Are all Men are Scum or you just attract Scum?

Ever since I have been a child, I have been hearing the same song of "all men are cheat, liars, dogs, etc. Every few years, the nomenclature changes, but the idea remains the same. This begs the question, is there some truth to this? Are all men really bad, leaving a few good ones that cannot go round? Are women really jezebels?

Why do some women enjoy their marriages and relationships while some others only meet the men who are scum?

In this insightful episode of Let's DO Life, I talk about how knowingly or unknowingly, we attract or repel certain kinds of people to ourselves, just by our expectations and standards. It is short, sharp, and straight to the point.

Please, watch, learn, enjoy, and drop your comments. Hit the subscribe button and the notification bell, so you can know when future episodes are released.

Is Marriage worth waiting for?

I always wanted to get married early in life (at age 24) but I didn't. My experience taught that people who get married earlier than others are not necessarily better in character, more beautiful or better placed. They are just more fortunate, that is if you count marriage as good fortune.

The truth is that people of all ages get married everyday but sometimes it can be painful when as a 30 year old, you get your third heart break in the year and your 23 year old gets engaged and asks you to buy her Aso Ebi. You begin to wonder why especially since you know her boyfriend of two years and you can attest to the fact that he's a really great guy.

What is worse than that though is when you hear about your 37 year old friend who is getting a divorce but she only married a year and half ago, and all you do is scream "after waiting for so long?"

Take these three examples

How to tell if He loves you

There's a quote formed by a friend of mine. It helped me in my single days and has continued to shed light on so many things that crop up in boy-girl relationships up till today
In as much as I have tried to argue with this quote in my mind, time and time again, it keeps proving itself true. This has made me realise the more that no matter how hard we try, the truth will always prove itself right.

The quote says

If he loves you, you will know, if he doesn't, you will be confused 

As indirectly proportional as this quote is, it gives a simple formulaic solution to many issues that keeps single ladies awake at night especially when they are in rendezvous with a guy whose intentions they aren't sure of

I have a friend, who we can call Titi. Titi is a matured single lady who in my opinion is an awesome gift to any man, but she doesn't have a rested mind at the moment and is really eager to meet a guy who really loves her and she loves in return. So whenever Titi meets a guy who shows the slightest bit of interest in being her friend and it seems he also fits into her ideals of a husband material, she starts calculating in her head, and works herself up so much that she reads meaning into everything the guy does. Titi will call me, and talk, talk, talk about this guy who may or may not be interested in her, and become even more confused.

And here's what I always tell her. If he has not come out to clearly express his interest in a relationship, don't let yourself be led on. I was particularly unhappy with the way she allowed a certain guy treat her for about 6 months, leading her on, doting on her one week and ignoring her the next, excusing it with trust issues he suffered from his past relationship. She became so emotionally attached to this guy that it was so pathetic. One minute, she's all giggly because he called to apologise for his actions and they are friends again, and the next, she's so devastated because he hasn't picked her calls for two weeks

Both of us will be gisting, and right in my presence, she'll be calling him, unaware of what she was even doing, and her calls will go unanswered. Whenever her interest wants to wane a bit, he'll be back

It was like he had a leash around her neck, and he was just jerking her in whatever direction he pleased. After a while, I never wanted to hear his name again. I mean, she was an emotional wreck the entire time wondering whether he loved her or not. She was desperate for him, and he knew it so he fed on it, even though nothing was going to come out of it eventually. It was a miracle when she got out of that cycle.

After that episode, she has gotten herself into one or two similar cycles.

And each time I tell her, this thing is not hard as you are making it seem. Guys are not that confused at all. If a guy really wants you, he will chase you with all he has until he gets you. You don't need to scheme, calculate or manipulate him into a relationship. If he's sure about you, he will come straight for you.  We are not talking about guys in their mid-twenties who are not ready to settle down yet. Guys in their mid-thirties upwards (not playboys) are generally direct in their approach and don't have time for long winding courtships that lead nowhere

I told her, you toil too much. When your husband comes, you won't need to toil at all.  Everything will fall into place

So here I am, encouraging any single lady out there (no matter your age) that if a guy is confusing you right now about whether he loves you or not, please don't invest yourself emotionally in that encounter. The best you can do is be friends, with absolutely no expectations of nothing more. Whatever later comes out of it, it’s most probably for the best.

If you are in a relationship that has not been defined (I.e. You don't know if you are friends or boyfriend/girlfriend but you both have feeling for each other), that one is a different case, and easy to solve. Just ask the "what are we" question.

I hope this post has been useful to someone out that. Just remember

If he loves you, you will know, if he doesn't, you will be confused

Oh gosh, I was forced to kiss a man + When does married sex become legitimate?

Hello people, what’s happening to everyone? Hope we are all good? So part 1 of the climax of journey to marriage happened last week. I’m still so excited, but it’s all surreal for me. I don’t think reality has dawned on me yet, lol.

We had to do a registry wedding because we are not doing a church wedding, since we opted for a destination wedding, though we have 2 officiating ministers following us outside Nigeria for the blessing.

Our experience at the registry was somewhat mixed. Getting married at the registry is not stressfull at all, though it is a mad cash cow out there, with everyone looking for ways to milk money out of you. At the end of the day, it was a success, and we thank God for that

Here are a few pictures from the event

I think soft colours look good on me.

Journey to Marriage 15 - This is not the end

Through all the fairy tale journey to marriage I've had this year, it hasn't been all lovey dovey and hushy cushy. Getting to bond with another fully formed human hasn't been without frictions. Maybe it would have been easier if we were younger, like in our early twenties.

One major thing about BH and I is that both strong willed, though in different ways.

In my moments of doubts, I have said to myself that I'm not doing again and imagined marriage to BH cramping my style. Gosh, I have had gazillions of negative thoughts and fears that I've allowed myself to dwell on... Thoughts I have no business entertaining. But all in all, I'm very confident about the journey I'm about to embark upon.

I admit, BH is more stable than I am and less easily moved.

The laughable irony is that in all our good and bad times, the issue of tribal differences has never come up. In fact, it doesn't exist in our problems.

BH and I are similar in many areas, and different in many areas, a few of which are

• I don't roll in cliques. I ride solo while He's a friend friend person. 
• I'm have a more serious to life, while he takes life very easy. 
• We are both entrepreneurial. He's more on the strategy while I'm more on the action (I don't have time to be talking when I have too much doing, lol).
• He listens to secular music while I don't. This is actually a potential source of conflict in our marriage, not because it is secular but because I’m very sensitive to words, and I don’t like noise. Wisdom is needed here
• He sees conflict as normal and embraces it. I hate conflict , run away from it, and see it as a sign of trouble in my relationship. This is another source of conflict as I tend to worry a lot while he carries on with life as normal when all is not well between us. 

All in all, we've learnt a lot from each other and still have so much more to learn. We have a wonderful support system... Something I lacked in my previous relationship, so many friends, families and mentors standing by us.

I thank God for everyone who stood by us through this journey. I thank God for our counsellors, friends, especially K, D and A.

I thank all of you for joining this series. I’m glad it has inspired and encouraged some of you, even though one spirit kept whispering to me to delete all the posts and stop the series, lol.

I especially thank God for Berry and cakes. Berry has been so helpful to me, you can't even imagine... Not just by introducing me to BH but by giving honest advice, making sure I get all my wedding materials on time, etc. By December, I won't be able to write my life's story without Berry Dakara constantly featuring in it, and because of that, she would forever drum it into our ears, lol.

In the end, I'm very grateful that God brought BH into my life. He's definitely worth every second of the wait. Now, let’s make this wedding a reality. Here's a gift from me to you - my favourite pre wedding picture.

This is the end of this series, and it had been one of my longest running. I will resume regular blogging from next week. A lot will be changing. Still working on somethings.

Journey to Marriage 14 - My own kinda wedding

Thank you all for coming on this journey to marriage with me. We are gradually coming to the end of this series… while for me, the journey is forever.

I’ve never really liked attending big Nigerian weddings, and do my best to avoid them. I only attend people’s wedding if I am performing there, or the person is extremely close to me. So it was not a surprise that I wasn't over the top about wedding BH though I wanted a marriage with him.

When we visited the pastor we are accountable to as a couple, on his own side, his wife mentioned the idea of a destination wedding so I quickly chipped in that I've always wanted a destination wedding but many Nigerian parents won't give it a chance, and we also have to consider the kind of family we are marrying into.

BH then added that his mum won't mind. I knew my mum won't mind as long as she has her own wedding in Nigeria. And that was how the idea of a destination wedding started forming. We both informed our families, and they agreed.

So as it stands, we are having a big traditional wedding in Nigeria, and a very small and intimate destination wedding.

We considered and researched countries like Jamaica, Barbados, UAE, Zanzibar but we finally made our decision and settled for a country I will reveal later on the blog. Our major consideration especially in this time of recession was cost and visa stress to our guests. We are having 50 guests and cutting costs on so many things that would have cost an arm and a leg had we done it in Nigeria. It would be looking like something similar to this

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Because of this, I'm in no way stressed about my wedding. In fact, I don't feel like I'm getting married cos I'm not really doing anything or running around. My mum is doing organising the Nigerian one, all I'm doing is appearing at the venue to follow protocol (it has always been my dream not to have a hand in my wedding). And for the one outside Nigeria, the hotel is sorting everything out. All I'm doing is sorting out guest list and collecting flight money.

I'm therefore having 3 weddings- registry, traditional and white. Two would be in November and one in December. By the time 2016 is over, I will be fully and totally married like I had predicted in January. A lot can really happen in a year.

Right now, I need money, money and more money, even for the small wedding we're planning. My life is changing rapidly before my eyes, and I pray for the grace to stand through it all.

Question: What do you think about destination weddings? Is it something you would like to do for your wedding? Would your parents be open to having a destination wedding, considering the fact that most of their friends and family won’t be around?

Journey to Marriage 13 - A very surprise party?

We had earlier slated our introduction for the last week in August. Due to the potential unavailability of a major stakeholder from BH’s side of the family, under short notice, we moved the introduction to mid-July.

By the grace of God, the introduction was a success… slightly bigger and more dramatic than I envisaged, in my father’s living room.

At this time, anytime I remembered my proposalless and ringless life, I would vex small, though I tried as much as possible to not be bothered about it. I even blamed the unusual circumstance of how I met BH and how our relationship evolved into courtship.

The thing that pained me most was that I knew BH had a ring he could easily exchange to get me my heart’s desire, lol. He had also measured my ring size three weeks after our relationship, so he wasn't confused.

Also we needed to do our pre wedding shoot, so we could start working on soft copy newsletters and other stationaries, but BH kept giving excuses like the photographer shifted the date, the date is not convenient, etc., and this was also paining me, lol.

BH’s birthday was three days after our introduction. I had considered the possibility of his proposing to me on that day, but I felt it wouldn’t happen because

1. It would be too obvious
2. His previous birthday didn’t hold good memories
3. He wasn’t planning anything big.

So I decided to help him out, by presenting him options. I decided that I was going to take him out, just him and I… so if he had been considering a proposal, it would be a nice time for him to ‘surprise’ me, after all, I was the one who was taking him out. Don't laugh, I could be scheming at times. I need a saviour.

A week to his birthday, I was on the phone with BH one morning, when his business partner called me. I later returned his call, and he said he wanted us to plan a surprise party for BH on his birthday, but I wasn’t required to do much. I told him I was already planning to take BH out, so it means we would have to go out earlier.

Even though I wasn’t happy that my own plans had to be overridden, I was determined not to wave it aside. His business partner told me I didn’t have to do much, and I could just bring the cake I had ordered from Cakes to the party, instead of sending it to BH’s house. He had invited my sister, and told me since we were in on it together, I could invite my friends.

I called cakes to change the plans, and on the main day, I took BH out on a date. We got to the venue around some minutes to 5pm, because I had been told that the party could start anytime from 7.30pm, and I wanted to have enough time with BH.

I told BH that I would need to give Berry’s African Naturalistas products to cakes, and pick his cake from him, so we would need to get to his friend’s house on my way back to drop him. I kept using style to check my phone from messages from his business partner. The signal came much later than I expected because it took time for people to get to the venue.

Finally, we got to the venue, and I was praying that he won’t suspect. We finally opened the door to his friend’s house, which was dark, everyone came out of different corners, and shouted SURPRISE.
Wow, we were successful at surprising BH, and the party started. The cake showed up, juice, chicken, finger foods, water, etc. The party was in full swing.

Birthday cake by Cakesiena

I asked him if he was surprised, and he said to a large extent, he was, but started suspecting when his friend’s house was totally quiet. I then told him about how his business partner called me, and planned all these.

About one hour into the party, we were dancing and having fun. I was matching dance steps with his friend when I suddenly turned my head left, and saw BH on his knees.

I was so shocked and speechless, and guess what I did…

I ran away!!!

I didn’t know where I was running to, but I was just walking away, cos I couldn’t absorb the shock.
Why was BH on his knees… at the surprise party I planned for him? Where did he get a ring from? After all, we came in my own car, and he was empty handed.

In the meantime, his business partner had run after me, brought me back to the place where BH was waiting for me… still on his knees.

He was like “can we make it official?”

I couldn’t say yes, I was too weak and shocked to open my mouth. I couldn’t keep looking at him on his knees, so I knelt down to meet him where he was, and hugged him. All these while, a musician he had hired had been serenading us with “Money can’t buy me love.” The atmosphere was very emotionally charged, and some people had tears in their eyes.

After he slipped the ring in my finger and hugged me, I just went to sit down, while another phase of the party started, after they brought a second cake out, where they wrote "She said Yes", the exact words written on my vision board for 2016. Please read the post here if you missed it.

Second cake of the day

It was then people unravelled things to me. The surprise birthday party I thought I was planning for BH was actually my own surprise proposal party BH was planning for me. Everyone there except me knew, which is why I had been asked to invite my friend, an instruction I had ignored. My sister knew, even my mum knew. All the time I was telling his business partner we were on our way, he was also telling them the same thing. Berry, all the way from Atlanta, was in on the plan, and Cakes and BH were the master planner.

I also later found out that my lack of ring was the reason BH had been postponing our pre wedding shoot, cos he didn’t want me with bare fingers in the pictures… and to think I believed this guy didn’t send me.

Anytime I remember that day, I still smile, especially at the point when I turned left and saw BH on his knees.

Goofing around after the party was almost over

Question- For the married: Were you proposed to? If yes, how? Was it your dream proposal?
For the single: How would you like to be proposed to?

Journey to Marriage 12 - Highs and Lows of courtship

Hi guys, how’s everything? Thanks for continuing this journey with me. Just in case you haven’t noticed, some of your comments made me repent, so I reactivated all the old editions, and won’t be taking them down… at least, for now.

Before I start today’s edition, I think it is important to mention something I omitted in that one month prayer saga, to make things more lucid. Like so many of you, I had mixed feelings about it. I really didn’t like it because of the emotional trauma and uncertainty that came with it. When we met a month later for the review, and he was talking about us meeting a week later to make it official, I actually accused him.

I asked why he didn’t just allow us to be friends like normal people who liked each other, and develop a relationship from there. Why put me through all these one month stress? I basically accused him of being insensitive and giving what he could not take.

His response was

“I am not looking for another female friend to add to the ones I already have. I have enough female friends already. I was looking for something more. We could have easily done the usual thing of just talking and gisting as friends, but I guarantee that we would not be where we are today if we did it that way. Now, we both know what exactly we are doing and working towards (something like this).”
At that point, all my resentment towards him concerning the one month drama vapourised.
A couple of weeks after we made it official, he asked if I still think the one month prayer request was a bad idea, and I said “NO”.

………………………………..

For most part of the midyear, BH was high on euphoria about us… dismissing other expectant ladies, and basically getting high on Atilola juice. During this period, we kept getting to know each other, working through conflicts, learning how to walk and work with each other, and basically doing what people are supposed to do in courtship – bonding through constant communication.

One day, we had our annual church retreat at a hotel. He came to the hotel by midnight, and refused to go home, so we were in the car, talking and sleeping till morning, after which he drove home with his last fuel (it was the period of fuel scarcity).

He shouted me out to the whole world.

We then started preparing for premarital counselling, and dynamics changed again.

Firstly, I was afraid they would turn us back because it was a short courtship. K and my pastor said they wouldn’t because they are looking for much more than length of courtship.

I also wanted a ring and a proper proposal before the counselling began. I didn’t want to be the only proposalless and ringless person in my class. In fact, I wanted a ring before I introduced him to my mum.

I did not get any of my wishes. He said he wouldn’t give me a ring before meeting my mum. The only thing I got before counselling was HIV test result, which I also insisted on (I can't come and let marriage kill me with disease). All these requests caused serious fights.

I liked to have my way, and he doesn’t like feeling like he’s being controlled, or that something is not his idea.

The ring thing pained me ehn, but I decided to disdain the ring, so I won’t be too expectant.

BH said whether they pass us or not for premarital counselling, we would still marry, cos no one can tell him with 100% conviction that we weren’t mean for each other, so he’s not scared, although I didn’t think it was a good idea. Those people at premarital counselling panel are experts, and trained to see things many people would not ordinarily see, and if they recommend that you shouldn’t marry, or you should wait a bit, you better not take their advice with a pinch of salt. Others who have pushed their advice aside have regretted it.

And the form for the premarital counselling? It was something else. Questions like, how many spouses your parents have had, your position in the family, finances, what you are doing for the kingdom, rating of weaknesses like greed, arrogance, selfishness, what you would add to your spouse’s life, length of courtship, of you go on dates regularly, etc.

And you better not lie.

So if a first born lady is marrying a last born guy, they would flag it, and counsel you through handling it, cos that would be a source of conflict in your marriage.

When we went for premarital counselling interview, they flagged our courtship length, but didn’t really see it as a big deal cos they sensed sincerity and maturity in us both, and also let it slide cos we weren’t going to get married till year end. A major issue for them was that I had stayed about 14 years in my church and had been a dedicated worker for very long, while BH was 2 years in his church, and had been working for less than 3 months, and I would have to follow him to his even though I was more grounded church-wise.

And then we waited for the result for about 10 days. In all these, I noticed a little anxiety in BH before and after the interview. He would ask. “Haven’t you heard from these people? When will they call us? When are we starting?”

It was obvious that he really wanted us to pass premarital counselling, and learn all he could. In the end, we made it to the class. It went on for six weeks (14 classes), and we learnt a whole lot. We were the couples with the shortest courtship, though I wasn’t the only proposalless and ringless lady there.

There were about 2 more.

By the time the class was over, we already had our introduction date, traditional wedding date, and wedding date, but I was still wearing no ring, and had no proposal story to share.

Question: Do you think formal proposals and engagement rings are important/necessary, especially when you are already making plans to marry? What level of importance do you place on premarital counselling, especially church ones?

Journey to Marriage 10 - Scaling the hurdles

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My status as a girlfriend was short lived. No we didn't break up or anything like that. Before we made it official, BH had started painting pictures of the future of us... Home, career, children, etc. He had referred to his dad as my future father in law, and dropped several innuendos here and there.

So I didn't have the luxury of being a girlfriend for long.

That week we made it official, he asked me a second time. "When do you want to get married?"

This time, I didn't lie. I said I wanted to get married towards the end of the year. I asked him when he wanted to get married.

He said "yesterday." I mean BH was high on euphoria, he couldn't even hide it anymore. He said he wished we could get married immediately but it won't be possible because of stakeholders.

Long and short, I was no more a girlfriend, I was now a fiancé. We knew people would think we were crazy cos we hadn't known each other for very long.

I told Berry about it, how her friend was in love with me, and how we were already talking about marriage. Of course, she was shocked.

She was even more shocked a week later when I told her we had decided to attend the next premarital counseling class in my church.

And that was when we knew we had a whole lot of hurdles to cross. Unlike BH, I don't roll on cliques. But his friends will wonder when he even started seeing a girl, talk less of marriage. His business partner would eventually ask him over and over again if he was sure of what he was doing and advise him to take it slow. It was just hard for everyone, including me to wrap one's head around what was going on.

We set a date to see my pastor, his pastor, travel to see his mum and then my mum was last on the list of stakeholders that must agree for the marriage to go on.

I prayed for God's will to be done. In my past, I was rejected by the family of my ex fiancé for whatever reason best known to them, and I couldn't afford to go through that experience again, neither would I want to be the reason why someone would have that experience. It's a terrible thing.

He told his mum about me, and how we were already planning to marry and all. From his account, his mum seemed pretty okay with it.

In my mind, these were the major hurdles

1. My pastor - wasn't really an issue cos they were with me on the journey right from the very day I was going to set my eyes on BH for the first time and through the emotional ups and downs. They knew every single detail and were in support

2. His pastor- who's also his elder friend. I had no idea who he was and I was uncomfortable being introduced to him to scrutinize me.

3. His mum - I wasn't looking forward to meeting her because of my past experience. Affliction shall not rise a second time.

4. My mum - the major principality. We had been warned not to bring a non Yoruba home, and I was about to spring up information that I want to MARRY someone she's never heard of, who is not Yoruba. And she never even knew I was seeing anyone. Major disaster!

5. Premarital counseling interview- I felt they would turn us back because it was a really short courtship. And they'll also require the written consent of the above 4, which we might or might not get. The good thing was that the interview was two months later, which would give us time to build on our courtship portfolio.

All in all, number 4 was the major one, and here's where God would prove Himself to be the author of my relationship with BH.

How did He do it? Well, next edition will tell.

Journey to Marriage 9 - The end of the beginning

Hi people. Thanks for following me through this journey. I have now decided that I will be taking down the posts in this series once they are two weeks old. That will help me create a balance between making sure the people interested are reading and not putting my life out there for everyone to dissect for eternity.

Before the one month period was over, I kind of already knew I was going to marry him (like I said in the previous edition), also because he had already fallen in love with me, though there was still some degree of holding back. Remember we had just seen twice (the first day we met, and our first date)

Still I was nervous as to how the one month review would play out. During that one month period, we had asked each other questions, me being the one with the most (he said he already knew most of what he wanted to know about me. I know he'd been snooping me out on social media, lol)

I want to recall one time. He had asked about my age, which he already knew from one of my newspaper interviews. Then he asked when I want to get married. It was really awkward for me.

Please let's calculate this together. A guy who you like and likes you but you are not sure about his intentions on marriage asks for your age, and then asks when I wanted to get married.

Everyone who has been following this series knows the answer to that question. I had been telling the whole world I was getting married this year. It was on my vision board, staring right at me, from my wall. The answer was everywhere, but I didn't want to seem desperate to him or that everything we were doing was just a ticket out of singleness for me.

So I lied

I said "I don't know, I'm not sure. Maybe sometime next year."

It was a big fat lie!

His reply was "okay, that's fair enough."

Anyway, moving on, the one month review was supposed to end on a Sunday, and our date was supposed to be Monday.

BH sends a message on Thursday to bring it backwards to Sunday cos Monday would be stressful. On Friday night, I was at vigil, and went straight to our annual women's conference in church on Saturday, which was all day (my church is not really far from BH's house)

Towards the last segment of the conference, BH calls me and says he's coming to my church. He's moving the date, which is no longer a date one day backwards again because he has to be at a study group almost all day on Sunday and he won't want our date to be late into the night. In my mind, I was like "Hmm, this guy really can't wait to see me, that's why he's so much in a hurry." Lol.

Let's just say I wasn't prepared at all. I had hardly slept after vigil, and if I was going to be getting into a relationship, I should at least be ready for it. Yellow Sisi, who was with me at this time quickly gave me her perfume to spray, told me to wear light makeup and assured me that the Ankara jacket and denim I had on was good. Thank God my hair had just been made four days earlier.

At the conference, the last segment was the breakout session. There were 5 groups, parenting, singles, finance, and two more I can't remember, maybe career and wives, I'm not sure. Naturally, I chose the singles focus group. Immediately I stepped into the singles group to sit (which was supposed to be my first gathering with singles as a single person for the year), I had hardly sat down for 10 seconds when BH arrived and asked me to come to the basement.

To me, this was a prophetic sign. I just had no business being single this year.

When we met, he started asking if I had made up my mind about him, and if I see him as a husband material. I kept dodging his questions and ceding the responsibility to him since the one month thing was his idea. I can't gaan be jumping into conclusions, and then he would now say he has prayed, and we are not meant for each other. God forbid baadddttt thing. Talk your own first.

Even though the signs were all there, one can never be too careful in things like this.

He basically said he's made up his mind, and if things keep going the way they are going, he's most likely going to get married sooner than he expected.

I quickly did a mental chicken dance.

But let's just say that's the most definitive response he gave throughout that day.

At first, I was pissed. I mean it was like we were already in a relationship but he didn't want to define of right there. He said we would meet the next week and do things the proper way. He also joked about needing one more week to mourn the death of his singleness.

After a while, I just let it go, and we spent three hours in the car, basically doing nothing serious but chitchat here and there. He took our first selfie as an unofficial couple. The attraction was so strong and concrete, you could hit the atmosphere with a stone and hear the thud.

We stayed in church till late at night, and then called it a night. I don't care what he called it but in my mind, I was in a relationship, lol.

The one week that followed was so intense, we could hardly stay away from each other via phone calls and chats.

Three days into the week, he said "I love you." I was so shocked that I could hardly respond. I was like "did you just say what I think you said? What did you just say?"

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He responded with "what did you think I said?" I pushed for like 5 seconds, and he repeated it.  I just said thank you. I didn't want to say I love him because it would sound like a mechanical response to what he said.

He said and still says "I love you" in such a way that I've never heard before. There's nothing mushy and emotional about it. It sounds like "I love you and you must never ever forget that I love you." Lol.

And that was the beginning of the I love you I have come to hear from him every single day, from that day.

In the meantime, We still had the date to look forward to. Towards the end of the week, he was like "here's how Sunday will go. I will officially ask you to be my girlfriend, and you will say yes. Even if you say no, you will be my girlfriend."

On the other end of the phone, I was just grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

Source

Three days later, we went on a proper date, our second date ever and fourth time we were seeing each other. We talked and talked. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.

We walked hand in hand out of the venue, as a couple, and my life has never been the same again.

Question: Who was the first to say "I love you" in your relationship? Does it even matter who the first is? Is it important to continuously say it in the relationship?

P.S: This is not the end of the story o. See you all next week.

Journey to Marriage: I'm very sorry

I was chatting with Toinlicious this evening when she asked why today's post was not yet up. To say I was shocked was an understatement cos I had scheduled the post since Sunday. I quickly went to by blogger backend, and saw that I had mistakenly scheduled it for next Monday, as is my default mode, instead of Thursday.

Unfortunately, it was almost 10pm, and we know that blog traffic for the week usually dies around Thursday evenings, and ressurects on Monday, so it was no use putting the post up so late at night.

I'm really sorry for the mix up. I am one who keeps to my word, as it is the only thing I have, so the lack of post really pained me, no be small.

I hope you all understand.

The series continues on Monday.

And thank you all for your comments

If you can stomach this love affair, you can help me

Hi dearies. How are you all doing? Hope you are keeping your heads above water, and steering of random and idle words.

That time has come again, when I would ask for your help, lol. I never cease to ask for help, right? Well, I am humble like that.

It's been a while since I talked about books, writing, etc, on this page. In fact, I have not talked about book publishing since 2013. It was very intentional. Even though I did a lot of marketing of my books in 2012 and 2013, it was very tiring, and I decided I wanted to take a break from the whole self-publishing thing, and go the way of traditional publishing if I had the opportunity. As we all know, traditional publishing is almost non-existent in Nigeria. But then, when has something or the lack of something ever stopped me.

All I am trying to say now is I think I want to self-publish another book. In fact, the book is ready. It has been ready since the year 2013. No, it is not a collection of poems, short stories or comic write ups. It is a proper novel.

And this is where you guys come in. I need 10 people to read this book of mine, and assess it, giving their honest opinions, no holds barred.

I don't think it is a boring book, I think it is a page-turner, but there's a comma in this book...

It might rub some people the wrong way.

It features an affair between a young man and a teenage girl.

You see why it might be too sensitive for some people. Read the first paragraph of the book below.

Some people say loving a child the way one should love an adult is either a sign of mental illness or just plain depravity, but I beg to differ. There was definitely nothing sick or depraved about the love I had for (...). One thing about my love for her is that it is real, which is more than I can say about the ones many adults have for one another.

Anyway, I need 10 people to volunteer to read my novel. and then I would decide what to do next about this book of mine. I need book lovers to help me finish this beta reading in 2 weeks. Don't be scared, it won't be boring, lol.

All you need to do is put your email address in the comment session if you want to read this novel, or send your email address to hattylolla@yahoo.com, so I can mail the soft copy to you.

Please help me o. I need to earn in dollars this year, abeg. I gotta publish this book. Help me read this book, so my market can sell.

Parental Consent turns Deadly

First of all, let me say Happy New Month to you all. I pray June will be a far better month for you than May was. Can I hear an Amen?

Source

I once knew someone who like many people, was not allowed to get married to who he wanted to marry. Now, if you are a Nigerian, you basically know that this is not a new thing, as parental approval is a big deal here.

I asked him why, he said his mum said this girl is not God’s will for him, bla bla bla. His mum goes to CAC (Christ Apostolic Church), and according to him, after some of them prayed, their spirit just didn’t agree with the girl. That was the only reason he gave me.

About three years later, this guy’s sister in law told me that the full reason was that after ‘praying and checking’, it was revealed to them that this girl didn’t have long life in her destiny.

Now here is the thing, by the time the SIL gave me this aspect of the story, the girlfriend in question was already dead! 

She had died about two years earlier after falling ill for some time, and I remember that my friend was devastated, although he did not tell me his family has ‘seen’ that this girl didn’t have long life. I honestly don’t think they told my friend about the long life part until the girl died much later.

So my friend goes ahead with his life, started dating someone he had met a long time ago, proposed to her. The girl later broke the engagement and returned to her ex, in turn breaking my friend’s heart. He picks himself back up after some period of serious bitterness, and was ready to move on again.

And then, one day, my friend was on the road taking something from the back of his car, when an absent-minded driver who was looking at his phone while driving on high speed hits my friend against the boot of the car, killing my friend instantly. My friend was 30 when he died, and his dead girlfriend must have been about 26 when she died.

Now this is what gets me anytime I remember the whole story.

When they were ‘checking the destiny’ of another man’s daughter to see if she was suitable enough for their son, did they ‘check the destiny’ of their own son to see if he was good enough? How come they were spiritual enough to sense that the girl was going to die soon, yet not sensitive enough to know anything about the guy’s short life? If their son had gone ahead to marry his second girlfriend, assuming she had not called off the engagement, and he had died, how would his parents have felt, knowing that the grief they didn’t want their son to go through because of another girl’s impending death is the same grief another woman is now going through because of their son’s death?

This is one thing that has baffled me for long, and honestly, I have no answers, or don’t know why, so I won’t pretend to be wise, and start sharing insights.

But really, my main question is this? How come they saw the girl didn’t have long life, but they never saw it in their own son?

Please, I really want to know what you guys think. Even though you might not have a definite answer, just share your opinion. Gracias.

Five things I learnt from hanging out with Berry and Cakes

Before reading this post, if you haven't voted for me, please, take about 20 seconds to vote for African Naturalistas hair products for the youth entrepreneurship competition. It requires just one click. Pleeeaaaaasssee. Thank you in advance. Click here to vote now, and come back to continue reading the post after.

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Okay, as you guys know, I like Berry cos I feel she is down to earth, open, free, and fun to be with. I was not really sure about Cakes, even though he has sent me free cake in the past. I had only met him twice, when Berry brought him to one Natural Hair meet up, not long after they started dating (I just said hi, cos I didn’t know he was her BF then), and at their wedding. So, I had never really had the opportunity to talk to him.

I was supposed to meet up with Berry at Nike Art Gallery on May 24, after I was done with my teens. When she said she brought Cakes, I was fearing internally cos I pictured Berry being all happy and fun, while Cakes facial expression will be like “Lady, why are you here? Don’t you know three is a crowd?” But since my appointment was with Berry, I dragged myself to the venue.

Let me just say by the time I was done with Berry and Cakes, I was blown away. So what did I learn from this amazing couple?

Don’t be insecure

You know that thing where you are talking to your friend, either male or female, and their spouse comes, and you start changing the topic? There was nothing like that. Most of the time, the whole thing went like this. Berry introduces a controversial subject with Cakes, they argue, argue, argue, I look dumbfounded as each of them tries to convince me that he/she is the right person, Berry stands up, starts roaming about to God-knows-where, while Cakes gists with me for so long, in the line of the topic, Berry comes back, and tells me not to mind him, and then leaves again to roam about, Cakes continues… and I think this happened like thrice. I did not see any shred of insecurity in Berry, and Cakes did not have the three-is-a-crowd look I expected. It was the exact opposite. If I did not know better, I would have said he even planned for me to be there.

Be your spouse's best friend

The strong friendship between this couple is just so apparent. No one needs to tell you, and I think that’s what makes their whole union interesting. They laugh, argue, banter like kids, it’s just so great to watch them in their elements. There’s no such way anyone can put up that kind of front, no matter how good an actor you are. They told me they fight, though I did not see them fight, and gisted me about an occasion. They argue… mostly about relationships, lol. How both of them ended up at the venue is another story. Let’s just say they are full of drama.

Don't be fooled. Berry is not taller than me. I was wearing
the only pair of flat sandals I have, while she cheated.

It is cool to be down to earth

You think Berry is fun and down to earth? Then you should meet Cakes. He is very open, and obviously deals with people with an open mind. I mean, right in front of me, this guy told someone on the phone where he was without even knowing the person he was talking to at first. I learnt a lot about him, his past struggles, business, relationships, family, etc., all the time when Berry left me to babysit her husband, while she was roaming about exploring artwork. The kind of attitude they display obviously draws people towards them, and is an amazing combination.

You just need a good example

Many people complain about marriage, its burden and all. After hanging out with Berry and Cakes, I told them the truth, which is that ‘They are such an amazing couple, and hanging out with them just makes you want to get married.’ I told them I like them, and that is when they started talking about their ‘serious fights’. My prayer for them is that they just maintain whatever they are doing to make their marriage great, and they will surely see it through to the end. So whenever you are doubting the whole marriage institution, just get a good example to inspire you, whether younger couples like Berry and Cakes, or older ones that have weathered storms together.

I repeat. Berry is not taller than me. I was
wearing the same pair of sandals. She made
everyone wear flats, while she wore
something high 

Don’t overindulge

I was so intoxicated with the whole Berry and Cakes combination that when they said we should go from Lekki to coldstone at the palms, I should have said no, but they tempted me, and I couldn’t resist the temptation. I had a truckload of work waiting for me at home. In fact, Cakes insisted that I watch an 8.50pm movie with them, and I have to sit in-between them. I respectfully declined. I did not want couples holding hands behind my back, with me in the middle, or worse, arguing over my head, because that was bound to happen. Cakes rejected my refusal, but Berry saved me from his hands. In the end, we went to coldstone, and we had ice cream… just Cakes and I, while we left Berry to eat the breeze blowing, lol. I knew I shouldn’t have gone with them there, but I just couldn’t resist them. They are just such a great couple. I had a series of Spoken Word ministrations at a Redeemed church the next day. In fact, it was extremely important, because the whole church service was built around my Spoken Word ministrations. I got home that night, and I couldn’t rehearse one bit. Thankfully, I had rehearsed well before that day. If not, ehn, overindulging in Berry and Cakes would have just destroyed my ministry. All my work was therefore moved to Sunday also, and my whole week suffered just because of the enormous work load caused by that simple shift.

They were so great that the only thing left for me was to go and sleep in their house, which they actually suggested jokingly, lol, but the love for my bed was just too strong for me to betray it.

At the end of the day, by 9.00pm, I hugged the couple, left them to go and watch their movie, while I left, exhausted.

Just look at everyone's feet. You see I wasn't lying
when I said she made everyone wear flats? Who
does that on their wedding day?

Emotional Cheaters

I put up a post last year about crossing the line between fantasy and cheating. There has been a trend of emotional cheating in many marriages lately. This is rampant among both Christians and non-Christians marriages. We have people that we bond with in different ways and this is most common in the workplace. Some get into it intentionally and others just find themselves in such situations.


First case scenario

Healthy marriage, but there is this beautiful lady at work, they are ‘just friends’ and they do every single thing together. He now looks forward to being with her, weekends are now boring because they don’t have the excuse to do things together. He is not cheating on his wife sexually but he is no longer enthusiastic about her company.

Second case scenario

Unhappy, almost destroyed marriage. Wife is always pretending to be happy at work, but not enough to fool her close male colleague. She starts to confide in him, and they both develop a soft spot for each other. They bond on all levels and he becomes a way of escape out of her abusive marriage. Now she is happier and she has a reason to live again. She can now enjoy d sessions of love making with her husband so far she is picturing the face of her colleague at that time. She has not yet slept with him but she has been seriously fantasizing about the act, they are both waiting for the ‘right’ opportunity and they know that it is just a matter of time before it happens.

What we should ask is where exactly our marriage is right now and where we want it to be. Will emotional cheating on our spouse get us to that desired destination or take us far away from it? Ponder on this question.

My Best Friend’s Wedding(site)

Hey people, long time. Sorry there has been no post for a while, I’ve been doing some things that made me lose creativity and go blank. Plus where I am now is killing my inspiration. So therefore, this post might sound a bit watery to you. Beware!
A very close friend of mine is getting married soon but what is unusual is that this friend of mine is a very young guy and most guys don’t usually get married at his age.
Well, he sent me the link to his wedding site for me to check out sometime ago. On visiting, I saw something very interesting and shocking. On the how they met segment, he said his ‘wife to be’ was the first person to see his first employment letter (obviously to make the story sound very romantic). My eyebrows rose at this statement immediately because I was actually the first person that saw the so-called letter, I could even remember the salary structure and the excitement on his face.
Lesson: never believe anything you see on these wedding sites, everyone wants their story to sound very nice and they spice it up a bit.
The reason I actually saw the letter first was that he really liked me and was planning to ask me to be his girlfriend. He was trying to make up his mind between me and his fiancée (this, I found out from him about a year later). But he asked me a test question which revealed my lack of interest in a relationship with him and that’s how I got kicked out of his list of options. If it had happened otherwise, I’d have been getting married to my very young friend next week or I’d have broken his heart four years ago thereby losing our friendship. That is to say, I am satisfied with the way things went.
Well, trust me, after seeing the story, I got back to my friend ASAP and asked why he lied, he then said it was a mistake. This was my reply to him:

You have to do one of these

1. Go back to the site and tell the truth, say 'your fiancée is d second person that saw the letter, the first person was ‘@ilola’.

2. You can leave the statement but change the picture and the name to mine, just to preserve the truth. The implication of this is that you will have to marry me on that day.

3. You can leave it that way and let me come and disrupt your wedding day when it gets to the 'how they met' segment.

YOU CHOOSE!!

To say that my friend was scared after reading this would be an understatement. He has always had a knack for taking me serious when I am just joking. I had to calm him down and put his mind at rest. I hope when he sees my face on his wedding day, he won’t start urinating in his trousers!

Would you get a ticket if the Courtship cop pulled you over?

Joanna Purswell. She liked the sound of it. Joanna Marie Purswell. Yes, it definitely had a ring to it. Joanna Stockwell was dreamily playing the Last Name Game in her head. Hi, I’m Mrs. Purswell, she practiced. Hello, I’m Mrs. Joanna Purswell. This is my husband.
Shawn was driving her home after an enchanting evening together. They’d only begun their courtship a few weeks before, but she’d already decided that if Shawn proposed, she would definitely say yes. Shawn had so many wonderful qualities. He was cute, he drove a great car, and he was… well… so cute. He’d look so handsome in a black tuxedo standing next to her in her white satin wedding dress. What colour bridesmaid dresses did she want? Pink or emerald green?
Next to Joanna in the driver’s seat, Shawn was in his own dream world. he looked over at her and smiled. She smiled back. The sunroof was open, and the cool summer air was blowing through her hair. There was so much about Joanna he admired… her hair, her legs. He’d kissed her for the first time two nights before. He accelerated the car as he anticipated kissing her again when they said goodbye. If they got married, he wouldn’t have to say goodbye. What would the wedding night be like? Ahhh, the wedding night….Flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror jerked him back to reality. “Oh this is just great!” he said angrily as he eased his car to the side of the road.
“Were you speeding?” Joanna asked.
“No,” Shawn answered bitterly. “At least I don’t think so.”
He fumbled in his glove compartment for his insurance card, and then rolled down his window. A tall, meticulously dressed policeman was already walking briskly to the car.
“Uh, hi,” Shawn said, talking quickly. “Sir, I honestly don’t think I was going over limit back there and….”
“Not here to talk about the speed of your car, son,” the officer interrupted. “We need to talk about the speed of your relationship.”
“My what?” Shawn asked.
“You heard me,” the officer said, pulling off his dark glasses and hunching his body down so that he was eye level with the couple. “How long have you two been in a courtship?”
Shawn and Joanna looked at each other in open-mouthed shock.
“I’m a Courtship Cop,” the officer explained. “It’s my job to make sure couples like you don’t speed your way into bad marriages.” He whipped a flashlight off his belt and pointed it in their eyes. “Just as I suspected,” he said. “Bloodshot eyes. Young man, you’ve probably been thinking about sex. And you, young lady, have the glassy eyes of a Premature Wedding Planner.”
The color drained from both their faces
“When did you start your relationship?” the cop asked again.
“Um, about a month ago,” Shawn stammered. His mouth was dry
“And did I just see you pull out of the parking lot of Marquee Jewelers a few miles back? The cop asked.
“Uh… well, yeah,” Shawn said.
“Don’t tell me you’re already looking at engagement rings!”
“Well, um, we were just browsing,” Shawn said sheepishly.
“It was his idea,” Joanna interjected.
“Hey!” Shawn said defensively. “You wanted to look too!”
“I really don’t care whose idea it was,” the cop said dryly. “I pulled both your records, and neither looks good. You both have a history of quick emotional entanglements. You’ve only been courting three and a half weeks; and our reports show that most of your interaction so far has been superficial and based on fantasy. No real friendship. No spiritual relationship. And there’s been no serious discussion of values, goals, or expectations for marriage. Even worse: zero counsel from others!”
“Could you let us off with a warning?” Shawn asked meekly.
“I don’t think so,” the officer said sternly. “I’m writing you both up for ‘considering engagement while under the influence.’ Do you realize the danger you put yourselves in by speeding towards marriage while romantically intoxicated?”
At that, Joanna started wailing and tugging on Shawn’s arm.
“My mum is going to kill me!” she moaned. “She’s a member of MADE- Mothers Against Dumb Engagements! She’s going to freak out. This is all your fault!”
Shawn didn’t say anything. He was already beginning to sober up…

An excerpt from Boy meets Girl by Joshua Harris

When does it become 'Cheating'?

The topic of this post speaks for itself. When do we cross the line that we can actually say that we are cheating on a loved one? Is it

(1) when you double date

(2) when you have a fling or one-night stand

(3) when you have fantasies about someone else when you are in a relationship or

(4) when you act on those fantasies?

I, personally,  think it is very difficult for one to be with someone for quite a while without being attracted to another person. Even if you are the most holy angel in this world, you will always find someone better in one way or the other than who you are with. It’s the commitment made that matters. I call this other person a ‘passing fancy’ and sometimes ‘useful distraction’. I believe we cross the line when we start acting on the attraction.

It is even worse when sometimes we seek advice when we find ourselves in this situation and the so called ‘advisor’ tells us “follow your heart”. We then get ourselves caught in a web of lies and deceit. I wonder when our hearts became something we could trust? No wonder our hearts and mind are at war most times.

And for those who believe that cheating starts when we are attracted to someone else in any way, then I’ll tell you that I am a born cheater. In fact, I will say I have been cheating all my life and I am still cheating as we speak!

Please drop your comments on this, I need to know your opinions. Thanks

Tearing down my House

I have recently been talking to an old friend of mine who is in his early forties and considering a divorce. According to him, He can’t take any more of ‘what He is getting’. For most part of the marriage, they have not lived as husband and wife, only that they stay in the same house. No spousal form of communication at all and the reason why He tarried this long is because of the only thing that binds them together, His child. I am not so sure that I can do justice to the description of what He is facing but I will try.
What will you call a woman that does not give a hoot about her husband, what He eats, drinks or wears and also refuses physical intimacy with her husband? Yet, the husband still pays the bills and takes care of her responsibilities. I still find it very hard to believe that a woman will use her own hands to tear the house she built for years apart. According to him, nothing happened, she just changed. One thing I have wished for constantly since my friend has been talking to me about this issue is for an opportunity to speak to his wife (without letting her know what I am up to) to get her own side of the story, which I don’t think will ever happen. If everything my friend told me is true, then I must say that he has gone through hell and high water. After hearing phase one of his story, my heart went out to him and I was depressed for a whole day (I am still depressed on his behalf).
Before putting up this post, I sent it to the guy in question for review, just to ask if there was anything he’d like to add or delete. He agreed with everything I wrote, only that it was one-sided. According to him, his wife is very nice, caring and friendly but she is just not a ‘wife’. In order words, the qualities of a wife cannot be found in her. He said she is more of a ‘trophy wife’ than a wife material. Nice, after all these years of unusual treatment, he still loves her enough to put up a defense for her.
I was brought up with the indoctrinated mindset that wives are supposed to care for their husbands and vice versa (weren’t we all?). I will derive joy every time I look at my husband and see the effect of the value I was able to add to his life. I won’t go tearing down my house for any reason. From his story, I have learnt part of what not to do if I don’t want to lose my marriage and with God on my side, I am sure I will not.
I posted this with my friend’s permission so that we can all learn something from it.

The Honeymoon is over!

A friend of mine told me about a male friend of hers who, after the honeymoon period in his marriage, his wife asked him to do something for her and he replied my telling her, ‘look here lady, the honeymoon period is over!’ That single statement almost shattered the marriage and he had to spend four good years convincing the wife that nothing would change in their marriage.

A somewhat similar thing happened to me, I was chatting with a ‘friend’ online and I told him that I missed him, he then replied saying ‘but we talked yesterday’. I felt like cold water had been poured on me, I couldn’t express myself freely from then on. Incidentally, a male friend of mine was beside me when all this online drama took place. So after I logged off, I kept ‘raking’ for the friend beside me about the whole thing, guess what he said, ‘@ilola, the honeymoon is over’. He asked me if I expected my friend to treat me like we were just starting a relationship and is still trying to impress me. He went further to say that my friend’s statement proved that the relationship between my friend and I had moved to a more serious stage. Many of us will agree with him but I consider the whole theory to be jargons.

In most cases, the man sets out to get a wife or girlfriend, does all he can to impress her, he becomes the most loving guy on earth and then after the honeymoon period, he says to himself, ‘my work here is finally done’ and then he changes totally.

Some people say this is reality but it doesn’t have to be. If you can’t keep the fire that was burning in your courtship to still be burning in your marriage, then the whole marriage thing becomes another boring aspect of life that we have to face. This sometime leads to couples growing apart, separation or even divorce.

We know there are more commitments in marriage than courtship like the kids, career, etc but it is very ironic since your spouse is the main reason you took on these commitments in the first place. Consequentially, you end up losing the interest of that person or losing that person totally.

If your marriage is lacking fire, ignite the sparks by doing those things you did during courtship, it might seem strange at first but with time, you will get used to it again. For newly weds young marriages and people in courtship, never ever have that ‘ The Honeymoon is over’ mentality. Be creative, find new ways to make the marriage fun and most importantly, keep the fire burning.