How to use the Vision Board to get whatever you want in life... including marriage

On my ‘Journey to Marriage’ series, one thing that was recurrent in my posts and many commenters kept talking about was the vision board and how it helped me. This post is my attempt at delving into how it works and how you can utilize it effectively

A typical vision board: Source

The vision board is a very powerful tool. Creating one is simpler than ABC. First of all, a vision board is just a picture of what you want to see manifest in reality. If you want a big pink house, your vision board will have a picture of a big pink house, or its representation.

What makes the vision board so powerful is that the more you look at it, the more it spurs you into action. Therefore the vision board won't really be effective if you are not regularly looking at it, and seeing yourself achieving all that you have documented on it.

As a Christian, you can go further by attaching scriptures to each vision or picture. Read these scriptures aloud and meditate on them whenever you look at your vision board. This would continue to reiterate God’s will for you concerning that vision and the more your confidence and faith builds up in that area. This can apply to whatever your heart desires

If you need children, attach pictures of children, along with scriptures on fruitfulness
If you need money, attach pictures of whatever represents money in your life (graphs, fake notes, cheque, written figures, etc) along with scriptures if you desire
I'm sure you get the idea by now

You can attach pictures of anything, write figures , etc. just put images of whatever represents what you desire.

For my marriage vision board, I put the image of

• My desired proposal ring, 
• A man and a woman dancing together (cos I wanted to be best friends with my husband, not just spouses), 
• A man and a woman laughing together (cos I wanted true happiness in my marriage), 
• Denzel Washington in suit (cos I wanted a confident, handsome, focused, visionary man who knew where he was going ... and just cos I love Denzel too, lol). 

So whatever it is you want in life, you can use the vision board to implement it.... as long as it can be envisioned.

Please note.
The vision board is not an automatic ticket to achieving what you want i.e. Just because you wrote it down doesn't guarantee success. What the vision board does is reminds you of what you are supposed to be working towards and the steps you should be taking towards your goals. It boosts your faith and moves you to work cos faith without works is dead.

A practical example
When I was in 500 level engineering, I made a first class GPA in my first semester, which I really needed to boost my GP. So I said to myself, I should be able to make all As for once in my life before leaving school. Anyone who studied engineering should know how difficult this feat is. Normally, As become harder to get as you move up in grade. Your early years are the time to cement your GP, not the final years. But here was I, thinking. Not only did I was 1 A , not even 2 or 3.  I was looking for about 8 As. I didn't think about how wicked or sadistic the lecturers were, or how hard the course was, or that I was in my final year. The truth was that I didn't really need all As that semester cos my CGPA was already decided but I wanted it. I wanted to know how it felt to have it as it wasn't common place, I wanted it just for the thrill and excitement of it. So I wrote it down on a paper... all the courses I was taking, with A beside each. I pasted it on my bed head. First thing in the morning, it was all I saw. When I got back to my room and stepped to my bed, it was the first thing I saw.

And guess what? I got it!

That was the first time I worked with it a vision board.... and I didn't even know it was what people call a vision board. Only that now, I use pictures, attach scriptures to each goal, and steps to take

Did I achieve everything on my vision board this year? No

And it was my fault... because after sometime, I stopped looking at it and letting it spur me on, especially because that particular board was not placed in a strategic position in my room. I got carried away by life’s stress, activities, rhyme and reason, courtship wahala, and the fact that I had achieved almost everything on the board. And this is where we need to be careful… never ever let anything distract you from achieving the goals on your board. Life will try, but remain focused. This is where I will improve next year.
The practical tips below are very important in making your vision board effective

1. Make your vision board exciting with things like pictures, numbers, etc so you feel good just by seeing them each day.
2. It doesn't have to be a board. It can be a cardboard with several pictures stuck on it or even small paper like my 500 level all As vision. 
3. Don't overload your vision board with hundreds of visions, such that it becomes a fantasy. If you have lots of them, keep updating the board by deleting and adding more as you meet previous set goals
4. Put your vision board in a place where you can see it every morning and night or else it won't be effective
5. Don't let your vision board be another decor in your room. Consciously walk up to it daily, look at it, picture yourself achieving the things there, and how you'll celebrate when it comes to pass, meditate on the things written there, and walk in that notion. 
6. Most importantly. If you don't believe that thing is possible, please don't put it on your vision board. If you don't believe God is capable of giving you a million dollars, don't put it there. If you don't believe you can get married in a year even though you are single now, don't put it there. In summary you have to believe it is possible, even though you don't know how it will happen. You have to work on your belief system. If you want it, if you believe you deserve it, and you know God desires for you to have it, and you believe it is possible, then put it there. It is not a fantasy board, it is a vision board. BELIEF PRECEDES EVERYTHING. 

Two scriptures that helped me work on my belief was psalm 37:4, Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. This means whatever in the world I desired, I would get, as long as delighted myself in God. It is God giving me, not me achieving it by myself.

The second one was John 16:24, Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full. Can you catch the rev here? Even God wants me to be happy. He’s very willing to give me whatever I want just so that I can be happy. All I need to do is ask.

This is the kind of confidence to implement your vision board. I need to stop now, cos I don’t want this post to be too long. I might do a part 2.

One of my boards: with scriptures attached.
The confdidence part was alluding to the fact
that mine lies in God, so I will get what I want

I hope I have been able to help you out with this vision board thing even though I couldn't fully exhaust it in one post.

Please lemme know if you have questions in the comment section. I will reply

My Experience at the BBNWonderland by Bella Naija and Baileys Nigeria

Wow. So we are back to regular blogging.

My last vacation as a single woman is coming to an end today… so so sad. No more impromptu vacations, jetting off and leaving last minute. It is now the phase of checking in with your spouse’s schedule, traveling with kids and colourful bags, something I've never been used to.

Another phase of my life officially begins today because as soon as I step into town, I begin wedding preparations. Speaking of stepping into town, I'm going to be going home to meet all the freebies I got from bbnwonderland. Basically, I left bbnwonderland and went straight home, where I dumped all my things and headed straight to the airport so I've not really had time to bask in the euphoria.
Speaking about the event itself, I have mixed feelings about it. From what I have gathered so far, It was different from last year’s own in many aspects. It was bigger, more hyped and not just about the brides.

I was very glad to have been one of the 30 brides to get in, especially because the month of September wore me out physically, and I needed to wind down.

Pros
There was so much food
We got to make new friends with other brides.
Even if you don't get one of the major prizes, you go home with a lot of freebies
Baileysnigeria spent mad money on that event. It was an ‘appearance’ of excellence. Note the inverted comma.

Cons
Firstly, information dissemination was poor and conflicting. Gosh. One minute, someone is telling you to pack your bags cos you need to go home that night, the next minute, another person is asking you why you are packing your bags. We were particularly pissed when they interrupted our makeup sessions just so we could quickly check out by 12 noon. Meanwhile, they didn't inform us of having to do this before so it wasn't our fault. See some brides running around with half made up face only to find out that we had been locked out of our rooms and had to revalidate for extra 30 minutes.

So many teams worked on making that event a success, but the different teams were speaking

Secondly, it was all about the social media hype, such that the comfort of the brides was sacrificed at the expense of perfect poses and pictures. No jokes, we were on our feet from about 12 noon till past 7. No food or water, taking pictures all around, shooting videos, etc. brides were complaining about their feet and hunger (though I wasn't hungry cos I filled my stomach well during breakfast). When we got to the evening event, they didn't consider that we had been on our feet all day. We still stood out for like 2 more hours, taking pictures and networking. At least, this time we had water and canapés.

After a while, brides were squeezing their faces, they probably couldn't take it anymore. It was supposed to be a relaxing experience. But the thing is I didn't feel pampered. I felt stressed, and I think that defeated the whole purpose.

Finally they let us in, and the main event started. From then on, there was food and even more food for the after party than the whole party could finish, that you begin to wonder why the food galore wasn't spread throughout the day.

Anyway, I didn't stay for the after party cos it was almost 12 midnight and I wasn't planning to sleep there.

In all, I'm glad for the experience even though some people have commented that they don't see someone like me fitting into such setting. I'm glad I went.

I'm glad I saw the extent to which Bella Naija and baileysnigeria went to pull this through. It was really classy... with the likes of basket mouth, Toolz, Omotola and her husband, Banke Meshida, Noble Igwe, Klala Photography, etc anchoring the main event.

I'm also glad that they brought Betty Irabor and Aunty K to talk to us about marriage, and not just wedding celebrations, on the first night of the event.

If not for the poor communication and the sacrifice of brides comfort for social media hype, the event would have been perfect.

So will I advise anyone to go? Absolutely! I believe the next one will even be bigger, and the organizers would have seen the things that went wrong in this one, and improve on it next edition... hopefully.

Journey to Marriage 15 - This is not the end

Through all the fairy tale journey to marriage I've had this year, it hasn't been all lovey dovey and hushy cushy. Getting to bond with another fully formed human hasn't been without frictions. Maybe it would have been easier if we were younger, like in our early twenties.

One major thing about BH and I is that both strong willed, though in different ways.

In my moments of doubts, I have said to myself that I'm not doing again and imagined marriage to BH cramping my style. Gosh, I have had gazillions of negative thoughts and fears that I've allowed myself to dwell on... Thoughts I have no business entertaining. But all in all, I'm very confident about the journey I'm about to embark upon.

I admit, BH is more stable than I am and less easily moved.

The laughable irony is that in all our good and bad times, the issue of tribal differences has never come up. In fact, it doesn't exist in our problems.

BH and I are similar in many areas, and different in many areas, a few of which are

• I don't roll in cliques. I ride solo while He's a friend friend person. 
• I'm have a more serious to life, while he takes life very easy. 
• We are both entrepreneurial. He's more on the strategy while I'm more on the action (I don't have time to be talking when I have too much doing, lol).
• He listens to secular music while I don't. This is actually a potential source of conflict in our marriage, not because it is secular but because I’m very sensitive to words, and I don’t like noise. Wisdom is needed here
• He sees conflict as normal and embraces it. I hate conflict , run away from it, and see it as a sign of trouble in my relationship. This is another source of conflict as I tend to worry a lot while he carries on with life as normal when all is not well between us. 

All in all, we've learnt a lot from each other and still have so much more to learn. We have a wonderful support system... Something I lacked in my previous relationship, so many friends, families and mentors standing by us.

I thank God for everyone who stood by us through this journey. I thank God for our counsellors, friends, especially K, D and A.

I thank all of you for joining this series. I’m glad it has inspired and encouraged some of you, even though one spirit kept whispering to me to delete all the posts and stop the series, lol.

I especially thank God for Berry and cakes. Berry has been so helpful to me, you can't even imagine... Not just by introducing me to BH but by giving honest advice, making sure I get all my wedding materials on time, etc. By December, I won't be able to write my life's story without Berry Dakara constantly featuring in it, and because of that, she would forever drum it into our ears, lol.

In the end, I'm very grateful that God brought BH into my life. He's definitely worth every second of the wait. Now, let’s make this wedding a reality. Here's a gift from me to you - my favourite pre wedding picture.

This is the end of this series, and it had been one of my longest running. I will resume regular blogging from next week. A lot will be changing. Still working on somethings.

Journey to Marriage 14 - My own kinda wedding

Thank you all for coming on this journey to marriage with me. We are gradually coming to the end of this series… while for me, the journey is forever.

I’ve never really liked attending big Nigerian weddings, and do my best to avoid them. I only attend people’s wedding if I am performing there, or the person is extremely close to me. So it was not a surprise that I wasn't over the top about wedding BH though I wanted a marriage with him.

When we visited the pastor we are accountable to as a couple, on his own side, his wife mentioned the idea of a destination wedding so I quickly chipped in that I've always wanted a destination wedding but many Nigerian parents won't give it a chance, and we also have to consider the kind of family we are marrying into.

BH then added that his mum won't mind. I knew my mum won't mind as long as she has her own wedding in Nigeria. And that was how the idea of a destination wedding started forming. We both informed our families, and they agreed.

So as it stands, we are having a big traditional wedding in Nigeria, and a very small and intimate destination wedding.

We considered and researched countries like Jamaica, Barbados, UAE, Zanzibar but we finally made our decision and settled for a country I will reveal later on the blog. Our major consideration especially in this time of recession was cost and visa stress to our guests. We are having 50 guests and cutting costs on so many things that would have cost an arm and a leg had we done it in Nigeria. It would be looking like something similar to this

Source

Because of this, I'm in no way stressed about my wedding. In fact, I don't feel like I'm getting married cos I'm not really doing anything or running around. My mum is doing organising the Nigerian one, all I'm doing is appearing at the venue to follow protocol (it has always been my dream not to have a hand in my wedding). And for the one outside Nigeria, the hotel is sorting everything out. All I'm doing is sorting out guest list and collecting flight money.

I'm therefore having 3 weddings- registry, traditional and white. Two would be in November and one in December. By the time 2016 is over, I will be fully and totally married like I had predicted in January. A lot can really happen in a year.

Right now, I need money, money and more money, even for the small wedding we're planning. My life is changing rapidly before my eyes, and I pray for the grace to stand through it all.

Question: What do you think about destination weddings? Is it something you would like to do for your wedding? Would your parents be open to having a destination wedding, considering the fact that most of their friends and family won’t be around?

Journey to Marriage 13 - A very surprise party?

We had earlier slated our introduction for the last week in August. Due to the potential unavailability of a major stakeholder from BH’s side of the family, under short notice, we moved the introduction to mid-July.

By the grace of God, the introduction was a success… slightly bigger and more dramatic than I envisaged, in my father’s living room.

At this time, anytime I remembered my proposalless and ringless life, I would vex small, though I tried as much as possible to not be bothered about it. I even blamed the unusual circumstance of how I met BH and how our relationship evolved into courtship.

The thing that pained me most was that I knew BH had a ring he could easily exchange to get me my heart’s desire, lol. He had also measured my ring size three weeks after our relationship, so he wasn't confused.

Also we needed to do our pre wedding shoot, so we could start working on soft copy newsletters and other stationaries, but BH kept giving excuses like the photographer shifted the date, the date is not convenient, etc., and this was also paining me, lol.

BH’s birthday was three days after our introduction. I had considered the possibility of his proposing to me on that day, but I felt it wouldn’t happen because

1. It would be too obvious
2. His previous birthday didn’t hold good memories
3. He wasn’t planning anything big.

So I decided to help him out, by presenting him options. I decided that I was going to take him out, just him and I… so if he had been considering a proposal, it would be a nice time for him to ‘surprise’ me, after all, I was the one who was taking him out. Don't laugh, I could be scheming at times. I need a saviour.

A week to his birthday, I was on the phone with BH one morning, when his business partner called me. I later returned his call, and he said he wanted us to plan a surprise party for BH on his birthday, but I wasn’t required to do much. I told him I was already planning to take BH out, so it means we would have to go out earlier.

Even though I wasn’t happy that my own plans had to be overridden, I was determined not to wave it aside. His business partner told me I didn’t have to do much, and I could just bring the cake I had ordered from Cakes to the party, instead of sending it to BH’s house. He had invited my sister, and told me since we were in on it together, I could invite my friends.

I called cakes to change the plans, and on the main day, I took BH out on a date. We got to the venue around some minutes to 5pm, because I had been told that the party could start anytime from 7.30pm, and I wanted to have enough time with BH.

I told BH that I would need to give Berry’s African Naturalistas products to cakes, and pick his cake from him, so we would need to get to his friend’s house on my way back to drop him. I kept using style to check my phone from messages from his business partner. The signal came much later than I expected because it took time for people to get to the venue.

Finally, we got to the venue, and I was praying that he won’t suspect. We finally opened the door to his friend’s house, which was dark, everyone came out of different corners, and shouted SURPRISE.
Wow, we were successful at surprising BH, and the party started. The cake showed up, juice, chicken, finger foods, water, etc. The party was in full swing.

Birthday cake by Cakesiena

I asked him if he was surprised, and he said to a large extent, he was, but started suspecting when his friend’s house was totally quiet. I then told him about how his business partner called me, and planned all these.

About one hour into the party, we were dancing and having fun. I was matching dance steps with his friend when I suddenly turned my head left, and saw BH on his knees.

I was so shocked and speechless, and guess what I did…

I ran away!!!

I didn’t know where I was running to, but I was just walking away, cos I couldn’t absorb the shock.
Why was BH on his knees… at the surprise party I planned for him? Where did he get a ring from? After all, we came in my own car, and he was empty handed.

In the meantime, his business partner had run after me, brought me back to the place where BH was waiting for me… still on his knees.

He was like “can we make it official?”

I couldn’t say yes, I was too weak and shocked to open my mouth. I couldn’t keep looking at him on his knees, so I knelt down to meet him where he was, and hugged him. All these while, a musician he had hired had been serenading us with “Money can’t buy me love.” The atmosphere was very emotionally charged, and some people had tears in their eyes.

After he slipped the ring in my finger and hugged me, I just went to sit down, while another phase of the party started, after they brought a second cake out, where they wrote "She said Yes", the exact words written on my vision board for 2016. Please read the post here if you missed it.

Second cake of the day

It was then people unravelled things to me. The surprise birthday party I thought I was planning for BH was actually my own surprise proposal party BH was planning for me. Everyone there except me knew, which is why I had been asked to invite my friend, an instruction I had ignored. My sister knew, even my mum knew. All the time I was telling his business partner we were on our way, he was also telling them the same thing. Berry, all the way from Atlanta, was in on the plan, and Cakes and BH were the master planner.

I also later found out that my lack of ring was the reason BH had been postponing our pre wedding shoot, cos he didn’t want me with bare fingers in the pictures… and to think I believed this guy didn’t send me.

Anytime I remember that day, I still smile, especially at the point when I turned left and saw BH on his knees.

Goofing around after the party was almost over

Question- For the married: Were you proposed to? If yes, how? Was it your dream proposal?
For the single: How would you like to be proposed to?

Journey to Marriage 12 - Highs and Lows of courtship

Hi guys, how’s everything? Thanks for continuing this journey with me. Just in case you haven’t noticed, some of your comments made me repent, so I reactivated all the old editions, and won’t be taking them down… at least, for now.

Before I start today’s edition, I think it is important to mention something I omitted in that one month prayer saga, to make things more lucid. Like so many of you, I had mixed feelings about it. I really didn’t like it because of the emotional trauma and uncertainty that came with it. When we met a month later for the review, and he was talking about us meeting a week later to make it official, I actually accused him.

I asked why he didn’t just allow us to be friends like normal people who liked each other, and develop a relationship from there. Why put me through all these one month stress? I basically accused him of being insensitive and giving what he could not take.

His response was

“I am not looking for another female friend to add to the ones I already have. I have enough female friends already. I was looking for something more. We could have easily done the usual thing of just talking and gisting as friends, but I guarantee that we would not be where we are today if we did it that way. Now, we both know what exactly we are doing and working towards (something like this).”
At that point, all my resentment towards him concerning the one month drama vapourised.
A couple of weeks after we made it official, he asked if I still think the one month prayer request was a bad idea, and I said “NO”.

………………………………..

For most part of the midyear, BH was high on euphoria about us… dismissing other expectant ladies, and basically getting high on Atilola juice. During this period, we kept getting to know each other, working through conflicts, learning how to walk and work with each other, and basically doing what people are supposed to do in courtship – bonding through constant communication.

One day, we had our annual church retreat at a hotel. He came to the hotel by midnight, and refused to go home, so we were in the car, talking and sleeping till morning, after which he drove home with his last fuel (it was the period of fuel scarcity).

He shouted me out to the whole world.

We then started preparing for premarital counselling, and dynamics changed again.

Firstly, I was afraid they would turn us back because it was a short courtship. K and my pastor said they wouldn’t because they are looking for much more than length of courtship.

I also wanted a ring and a proper proposal before the counselling began. I didn’t want to be the only proposalless and ringless person in my class. In fact, I wanted a ring before I introduced him to my mum.

I did not get any of my wishes. He said he wouldn’t give me a ring before meeting my mum. The only thing I got before counselling was HIV test result, which I also insisted on (I can't come and let marriage kill me with disease). All these requests caused serious fights.

I liked to have my way, and he doesn’t like feeling like he’s being controlled, or that something is not his idea.

The ring thing pained me ehn, but I decided to disdain the ring, so I won’t be too expectant.

BH said whether they pass us or not for premarital counselling, we would still marry, cos no one can tell him with 100% conviction that we weren’t mean for each other, so he’s not scared, although I didn’t think it was a good idea. Those people at premarital counselling panel are experts, and trained to see things many people would not ordinarily see, and if they recommend that you shouldn’t marry, or you should wait a bit, you better not take their advice with a pinch of salt. Others who have pushed their advice aside have regretted it.

And the form for the premarital counselling? It was something else. Questions like, how many spouses your parents have had, your position in the family, finances, what you are doing for the kingdom, rating of weaknesses like greed, arrogance, selfishness, what you would add to your spouse’s life, length of courtship, of you go on dates regularly, etc.

And you better not lie.

So if a first born lady is marrying a last born guy, they would flag it, and counsel you through handling it, cos that would be a source of conflict in your marriage.

When we went for premarital counselling interview, they flagged our courtship length, but didn’t really see it as a big deal cos they sensed sincerity and maturity in us both, and also let it slide cos we weren’t going to get married till year end. A major issue for them was that I had stayed about 14 years in my church and had been a dedicated worker for very long, while BH was 2 years in his church, and had been working for less than 3 months, and I would have to follow him to his even though I was more grounded church-wise.

And then we waited for the result for about 10 days. In all these, I noticed a little anxiety in BH before and after the interview. He would ask. “Haven’t you heard from these people? When will they call us? When are we starting?”

It was obvious that he really wanted us to pass premarital counselling, and learn all he could. In the end, we made it to the class. It went on for six weeks (14 classes), and we learnt a whole lot. We were the couples with the shortest courtship, though I wasn’t the only proposalless and ringless lady there.

There were about 2 more.

By the time the class was over, we already had our introduction date, traditional wedding date, and wedding date, but I was still wearing no ring, and had no proposal story to share.

Question: Do you think formal proposals and engagement rings are important/necessary, especially when you are already making plans to marry? What level of importance do you place on premarital counselling, especially church ones?

Journey to Marriage 11 - Much ado about tribe

I had decided that I was going to tell my mum about BH during the last week in March, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.

The thing about BH is that his tribe wasn’t straightforward, and I did not know what tribe to tell my mum he was.

I am Yoruba, and I have never been with a non-Yoruba person. I have never thought of being with a non-Yoruba person, or even conceptualised the idea. Ever since we were young, even before the age of 15, we knew we were supposed to marry Yorubas only. So there was no way my mum would start telling me at my age who to marry, cos we already knew.

Because of this, I wasn’t sure how my mum would react. If I were 24, I’m sure she would have spun her head around, and never agreed with the idea, but at this moment, I just didn’t know… not because I was older, but of past heartbreaks.

More importantly, I had told God, myself, and my friends that if truly God was involved in the relationship between BH and I, the most damning evidence would be total acceptance of us by every stakeholder, especially mum. Our least worry would be parental approval.

BH is a mix of delta and igbo. His roots are in delta, his father’s roots are in delta, but he’s of igbo lineage... just the Obama being from Kenya situation. Whenever anyone asks me, I just say he’s from delta, cos even though he has an igbo name and of that lineage, he’s never been raised as one.

So one day, I was lying on my bed, and I just felt a nudge to go and inform my mum even though it wasn’t yet the time I set for myself. I went upstairs to my sister’s room, and asked her to follow me to my mum’s room. The reason was that just in case my mum starts to object, my sister can join mouth in convincing her.

I said “Mum, I’m getting married o.”

It started with shock on her face, and I said “I met someone and we are getting married this year.”
Then it followed with excitement. And I was like

Oh, oh, I’m about to break this woman’s heart. 

Believe it or not, my mum was about to get on the floor, and kneel or roll.

My sister and I were like “No no mummy. Don’t be happy yet. Don’t get excited. There’s something we need to tell you. There’s something you need to know.”

Then she looked at us, and said “What is wrong?”

I said “Guess.”

She said “What is wrong? He’s not Yoruba?”

I said “Yes… but you will love him when you meet him.”

“Where’s he from?” I replied “Delta.”

And then the miracle happened.

She said “Who am I to stop you if that’s what you want?”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt? Adonbilivit.

This is my same mum who even gave us the configuration of Yoruba you could bring home, cos not all of them were acceptable for marriage.

“Where in Delta?” I told her.

I kept saying “Mummy, don’t worry, you will love him. He’s such a great guy. Once you see him, you will fall in love with him.” And that was the song I was singing into her ears all through cos to me, I felt it was important to elevate the person over the tribe, after all, people from all tribes have good character and bad character.

The next day she called me, and asked if I was sure I was doing the right thing, and not going with this guy because I was desperate. I told her that if it were desperation, I would have been with someone else cos he’s not the only person dancing around me.  That was the last time the issue of tribe came up.

A week later, I told my brother. He kept saying I’m not serious. I tried to play the same you-will-love-him-when-you-meet-him card, but it did not work.

He just kept saying “you are not serious”. I kept smiling and saying “I’m serious.”

He wasn’t happy about it at all… the tribal difference, short courtship and all. According to my brother, he was Igbo, no matter the explanation. When I told him that he’s a great guy, he said all guys are great to the women in their lives. No matter the defence, he wasn’t buying it. But he ended with the fact that I can do what I want since I’ve made up my mind, and not exactly seeking his approval.

BH and my brother are cool now, so I’m believing his first reaction was due to the shock that came with that kind of unexpected information.

After this, we set dates to physically meet all the powers that be.

First my pastor… who basically gave his approval cos BH is cool like that, lol.

Then his pastor… who believe I’m very good for BH, and we are good together

Then his mum: We travelled all the way to Asaba for this. She wasn’t happy about the fact that I was smallish (she’s not so tall herself). She’s so funny, and was really good to me. She made banga soup for me.

And lastly, my mum… whom BH was so eager to meet that he crashed my house just when we got back from Asaba, just to see her, before returning during the weekend for the official meeting.

Right now, everyone is family, and all hurdles have been scaled. The same friends who were sceptical cos they felt he rushed me, and rushed me to his mum are all very cool with us now. Cos even though we made the decision to get married very early, we intentionally pushed the date far. So it is not exactly a short courtship.

Now that we have all the required systemic support, we can now move into less important and juicier details of things like proposal.

Question: What do your parents think about intertribal marriage? Close or opened to it?

Journey to Marriage 10 - Scaling the hurdles

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My status as a girlfriend was short lived. No we didn't break up or anything like that. Before we made it official, BH had started painting pictures of the future of us... Home, career, children, etc. He had referred to his dad as my future father in law, and dropped several innuendos here and there.

So I didn't have the luxury of being a girlfriend for long.

That week we made it official, he asked me a second time. "When do you want to get married?"

This time, I didn't lie. I said I wanted to get married towards the end of the year. I asked him when he wanted to get married.

He said "yesterday." I mean BH was high on euphoria, he couldn't even hide it anymore. He said he wished we could get married immediately but it won't be possible because of stakeholders.

Long and short, I was no more a girlfriend, I was now a fiancé. We knew people would think we were crazy cos we hadn't known each other for very long.

I told Berry about it, how her friend was in love with me, and how we were already talking about marriage. Of course, she was shocked.

She was even more shocked a week later when I told her we had decided to attend the next premarital counseling class in my church.

And that was when we knew we had a whole lot of hurdles to cross. Unlike BH, I don't roll on cliques. But his friends will wonder when he even started seeing a girl, talk less of marriage. His business partner would eventually ask him over and over again if he was sure of what he was doing and advise him to take it slow. It was just hard for everyone, including me to wrap one's head around what was going on.

We set a date to see my pastor, his pastor, travel to see his mum and then my mum was last on the list of stakeholders that must agree for the marriage to go on.

I prayed for God's will to be done. In my past, I was rejected by the family of my ex fiancé for whatever reason best known to them, and I couldn't afford to go through that experience again, neither would I want to be the reason why someone would have that experience. It's a terrible thing.

He told his mum about me, and how we were already planning to marry and all. From his account, his mum seemed pretty okay with it.

In my mind, these were the major hurdles

1. My pastor - wasn't really an issue cos they were with me on the journey right from the very day I was going to set my eyes on BH for the first time and through the emotional ups and downs. They knew every single detail and were in support

2. His pastor- who's also his elder friend. I had no idea who he was and I was uncomfortable being introduced to him to scrutinize me.

3. His mum - I wasn't looking forward to meeting her because of my past experience. Affliction shall not rise a second time.

4. My mum - the major principality. We had been warned not to bring a non Yoruba home, and I was about to spring up information that I want to MARRY someone she's never heard of, who is not Yoruba. And she never even knew I was seeing anyone. Major disaster!

5. Premarital counseling interview- I felt they would turn us back because it was a really short courtship. And they'll also require the written consent of the above 4, which we might or might not get. The good thing was that the interview was two months later, which would give us time to build on our courtship portfolio.

All in all, number 4 was the major one, and here's where God would prove Himself to be the author of my relationship with BH.

How did He do it? Well, next edition will tell.