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A Tale of two Husbands

Sometime last year, I wrote about distorted feminism and its danger, all of which I still stand by. You can read the post here, if you missed it

I have noticed that some women get very angry and insulting when they hear strong successful married women say something like “I thank my husband for allowing me follow my dreams, achieving my purpose, etc...”. These women get very bitter and blame these successful married women for painting a picture that for you to be successful and married, you must be submissive and subservient to the point where your husband must “allow” you.

As a strong and strong-willed woman who has been on both sides of the divide myself, I understand both parties but I see the lack of understanding in the path of the people who are getting raving mad and bitter about these statements

First, let’s get something straight. Marriage is not compulsory. Your married or single status should your choice but if you get married, some realities will hit you wherever you are in the world, no matter your religious inclinations, whether you are a strong and ambitious woman, beautiful full time housewife, or a lazy couch potato with servants at your beck and call. Marriage will slap you with its own bittersweet realities, and let you understand that the union is not about one party

The person you marry can ruin your destiny for life to the extent where it would be hard for you to recover easily, or can build you up to the point of unimaginable success. Marriage is a yoke, and if you are yoked to a dead weight, it’s only a matter of time before you start decaying yourself and you will produce nothing but maggots.

In many cases, it is not like these husbands set out to pull their wives down or to build them up, but their lack of availability of support is major determinant here. It’s ultimately what will determine whether a married woman smoothly achieved her goal or not.

A practical case is that of two women, married for 8 years with 3 young children with the last child under two, at the height of their career or business. They are at a very demanding phase of their lives where they have to constantly move within and outside the country.

Now imagine woman A, with a husband who is stable, present and supportive. He understands that the phase woman A is currently is temporary, and is always filling in the gap for her. Even when her second child took ill in her absence, he bridged the gap and didn’t alarm her with the seriousness of the situation because she had to concentrate on a life changing presentation she was preparing for

Then imagine Woman B, same situation as Woman A but while her husband has not really determined in heart to ruin her or bring her down, he’s insecure and threatened by her rise so he doesn’t lift a finger to help or support. When she want to travel, she has to beg her mum (who is slowly getting tired of these requests) to take in her three energetic kids because her husband is no-go area, and that’s after she has made sure that his food for the next one week is well-arranged and properly-labelled in the freezer so he can just insert them into the microwave and eat. And when her own child took ill in her absence, she had to fly back home immediately to sort it out because her mother can’t handle the running around in addition to her arthritis and the other grandchildren. Because of this, she couldn’t prepare well for her life changing presentation, did a sloppy job lost an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

While woman A is soaring high, woman B is constantly wondering if all the hassle is worth it. She’s constantly choosing between her kids and her career, and failing at both, while her husband watches on, and carries on with his life as usual. After a while, woman B takes a less demanding career, not necessarily with lesser pay but with lesser demands and not really challenging or fuelling her ambition, but at least, now she’s more present at home with the kids.

Woman A continues to rise, while woman B declines. Now these two women are friends and follow each other’s stories. Twenty years later, woman A clearly sees the difference between their lives, understands that a major determinant for this difference was not lack of intelligence or opportunities, but the husbands they married. She publicly thanks her husband for his support and “allowing her be the woman she always wanted to be” and every distorted feminist goes raving mad. They don’t understand that it’s not like she’s telling you that for you to be successful, you need your husband’s permission, but the fact is that your husband’s actions or inactions makes a difference. All he needs to do is withdraw the hand of support, and everything comes tumbling down. That’s why it’s a YOKE.

We might argue that woman B should have left her husband since he wasn’t supporting her, but the truth is that it wouldn’t have made her situation better. She would still have been running around to have it all together.

So let’s not be quick to batter these women who are strong and successful, and “thanking their husbands”. There’s so much behind the scenes that we don’t understand. The truth is that a woman’s mind is always wired towards the home, so if her home isn’t right, her mind will not be settled in other areas, even if she appears successful on the outside

When these women say their best decision is that they married the right men, and they believe every young woman now should be very intentional in the decision of who they choose to marry, please take their words for it. Honestly, twitter activism is very far from reality.

I will really love to hear what you have to say about this. If you have your or other people’s experiences to share, please enlighten us. Also feel free to add to or disagree with any point in this post.

Help: My Child doesn't listen to me

Happy New Year beautiful people. How are we all doing? Yes, I am back... and better. I am actually excited to be back, because I know that my blog is taking a new shape, :). Not necessarily in outlook but in the spirit of it.

I have decided that it will be more open, honest, authentic, like you are gisting with your friend thing. All these formalities, commercialism, etc. happening in the blog world nowadays is just so tiring. I need some of the old breeze and need to laugh more. Speaking of which I can count how many times I actually laughed in 2018. Apart from the gists with my husband, everything was just so serious serious, and stressful. I need my life to be refreshed, gosh.

Anyway, if you have been following this blog, you can guess that my son is now well over one year old. He is currently my only child, and mehn, he has a mind of his own. I don't know if this is how all one year olds are (I strongly doubt), but he keeps on doing the things I tell him not to do, and going to the corners I tell him not to go. I don't know what to do about it again o. I have shouted, begged, scolded, spanked lightly, spanked strongly, yet no progress. He clearly understands that I don't want him doing those things, yet he does that very thing.

Sometimes, he monitors me as I watch him, and once my eyes are off him, off he zooms to the very thing I warned him against. Like how can this one year old have enough sense to be monitoring me?

Sometimes, he goes to pick what I warned him against picking, from where I warned him against reach. Once he sees me, he runs as fast as he can from me, with the 'treasure'. Other times, he just walks up to me, and offers the 'treasure' back, like "sorry I took your stuff, you can have it back."

So here are the areas I need help, especially from experienced African Mothers (I don't want any Oyinbo solution that will tell me things like "lovingly find a distraction for your son, offer an alternative, etc. Those things are not working for this level of headiness, abeg).

Number 1. Is it all one year olds that have these kind of behaviour, or are some gentle, calm, and obedient? I need to know so I can decide what attributes to start praying for in my next child.

Number 2. If you have ever handled a one year old with similar traits, please, let me know how you effectively dealt with this issue. I'm not asking for a dummy, quiet, or calm child. I just want an obedient one year old, who does what I tell him to do, and doesn't do what I tell him not to do. Abi is that too much to ask for?

Now waiting for your responses.

Hello and Goodbye!

Hello beautiful people. Sorry for disappearing for 7 weeks. I was ill, and when I got better, I could hardly get the motivation to write or blog. Thank you for asking about me, even though no one really asked about me, lol.

Anyway, I am back... to let you know that I am leaving this 2018... to come back in 2019. But if I decide to come back in 2018, don't scream, cos I am rebelling against culture, and I can choose to go back on my words anytime.

Next year, I will most likely be changing my voice/style on this blog to the more natural/gist style we were used to in the old days of blogging, cos right now, all the formality and blogging professionalism is just killing and boring. Please pray for me, that my 2019 will be better than 2018, and I won't lose my passion for blogging. Y'all also should be encouraging, and comment on posts jo, cos I know you read them.

Anyway, my laptop battery is almost dead. Happy new year in advance. See you in 2019

Chasing the next level, WIMBIZ conference, et al

Why do we like looking forward to the next phase of our lives, so much so that we don’t enjoy the current phase? Societal pressure hasn’t made this easier. As a single girl, people are looking forward to your marriage. As soon as the wedding is over, the womb watchers won’t get their eyes off your midsection until they spot a bulge. And once your first child started toddling around, they ask you why you are taking too much time, with stories of how gaps between siblings shouldn’t be too wide. It’s as if we are always chasing the next level, and hardly catching it before it slips away again. Personally, I am guilty of not enjoying the moment because I am always worrying about how to accomplish the next goal on my list. I wonder if I will ever get to the point when I will be at peace enough to rest, and say to myself “I have tried.”

I don’t know if it’s just me experiencing this, but doing business hasn’t been so palatable this year of 2018. There has been more misses than hits, and lord knows I worked my head off this year. I can’t really tell if it’s because I took some wrong steps, and didn’t calculate well, or if it’s just an economic thing affecting everyone. I will like to hear what you all think about this.

I left Instagram… again. I wasn’t as pissed with it as I was in the past, but I wasn’t just having it. I think I have found a way to maintain a social media presence without being there, just that it might cost me. Anyway, I’m still exploring my options. Let’s see.

I went for WIMBIZ conference last week. It was really fun, and eye-opening in some aspects. I don’t think I will be going again though, cos I think it’s too expensive for what I got from it. I used to wonder how they always get to fill the hall, despite the high cost. It was when I got there I found out that 80% of the attendees were sponsored by their companies i.e. big corporations in Nigeria. Very few people brought out their hard earned money to attend, like me.

Below is my look for the Wakanda-themed after party for WIMBIZ. I felt overdressed cos most people didn't follow the theme at all. They just wore Ankara blazers and trads. Such party-poopers, lol.

My new friend, Chibu, photobombing my selfie, lol.

The Dangerous wave of Distorted Feminism

There’s a dangerous wave of distorted feminism sweeping through social media now, so dangerous that ignoring it will only guarantee its rise.

I was particularly taken aback this past weekend when I came across rants bashing women who were interested in fighting for their marriages, honouring commitments, or even wanting to get married. I really don’t follow trending topics so I wasn’t aware it had gotten bad… women directly attacking marriages and calling for its extinction, unabashedly spewing vulgar words, throwing morality out of the window, and preaching the gospel of indiscriminate sex since you know “we are all adults.” And if you are happily married, you dare not show face on such forums to defend the sacred institution, lest you be torn to pieces.

I do not doubt that there are bad marriages out there, but is the solution to bad marriage “no marriage?” There are bad bosses and jobs out there, how come people are not clamouring for job extinction? There are bad political leaders all over, but no one says we should eliminate civic leadership. There are so many bad things out there, as a result of the perversion of the good, but we don’t see people piking up placards to protest their continuation.

The Vain Body Journal: There's a new Celeb in town!

My days at the Gym have been going on well. I strive to make a minimum of 4 days in a week, though I almost did 5 days last week, but laziness got the best of me, lol. Have I lost weight since I started? I don't know but I think so. The thing is I didn't weigh myself before I started gyming so there's really nothing to compare with. One thing I can say is that I feel better internally, and my body is a bit more toned. If I keep at it, all my muscles will be popping in a few years time, lol.

Now guess who the most popular member of the gym is?

A year since my life changed for the better

Hi beautiful people. I am so grateful to God for His faithfulness over me and my family. Can you believe it? My son is one year old today. Seems just like yesterday when he came into this world. The past one year has been a very interesting one. I have learnt and unlearnt. I can look back now, and just say Thank you Lord.

He has provided for us, and taken care of my son. We have never been to the hospital since he was discharged after birth. We have never had any accident, or domestic mishap. Everything has been smooth, and it's not because I am such a childcare expert.

I rarely put my son's on Internet but today is his birthday, and he has put this beautiful video together, for you to celebrate him. Watch and enjoy.

Let's talk about The F-WORD

Hello beautiful people. If you are a Nigerian, I wish you a Happy Independence Day in arrears. My prayer is that Nigeria will be the great nation it really deserves to be.

It's been a long time that I've been excited the way I am now. Last week, something good happened to me, and it set me aflame. It got people talking on Social Media, Instagram especially. I released my first Spoken Word Video titled The F-WORD.

There is an ongoing, albeit unnecessary battle between sexes in this age. The F - WORD has become a vulgar word that is forbidden to be uttered in many places, but unless we face, head-on, these battles that are threatening to tear us all apart, we'll all be headed downhill, and no side will come out as the winner.