Monday, July 27, 2015

How to fight dirty in the Information Age

Have you ever been cheated in a business transaction, by a business colleague? Has any business ever taken you for granted, and basically called your bluff because they felt you were a dog with a mere bark, and no bite? Do you have a strong social media presence, then let me teach you how to fight.
How do you like my pitch? Oya, straight down to business.

I am not ordinarily one for public shaming, especially since I know it is not cool to be a victim. However, I have now come to realise that sometimes, we must engage in public shaming, not because of any desire to humiliate or disgrace, but because sometimes, we must protect ourselves, warn other people, and send a message to people that they cannot just to things to others and think they would get away with it because their hands are tied. Now, I understand what Okechukwu Ofili must have felt when he called out Silverbird bookshop and other major bookshops in Nigeria who had been ripping off self-published authors because they had no one to stand up for them.

I started engaging a certain man, who we will call Mr C, when my herbs supplier in India introduced him to me as the man who could ship my herbs from India. She had gotten his contact online, through his website – another reason I think this medium is most appropriate since there are others like me who might make the mistake of trusting in his credibility after meeting him online.

After some calculations, and consulting with his colleagues in India, it was agreed that I would have to pay something close to 300 dollars to ship and clear my herbs. My supplier shipped the herbs to his Indian colleague. He asked me to pay 200 dollars, which I did in a matter of hours.

I was really eager to collect my herbs last year October, as I knew I would be travelling soon. He kept promising me my products. Let’s just say that between then and now, I have travelled to 5 different countries, yet he never brought my products to me.

It started with the story of the fact that some airlines were rejecting the herbs because powders required more scrutiny in Nigeria, which I completely understood, though my frustration knew no bounds.

Then the lies started. “The powders have been shipped. No, they were not shipped, NAHCO strike is affecting it. The warehouse has been locked for days. Christmas problems. New Year problems. Election problems.”

Through it all, I stayed calm. Mostly because I had no choice. The goods were with them, and my money was with them.

Some weeks after election, I got frustrated, and decided to call his Indian colleague. I found out this colleague was in Nigeria, and had been here for quite a while. He had dumped my package with another colleague of his there. That one had hustled to ship the herbs, and it had been here – since January!!!

I couldn’t believe my ears. This was a transaction I started since last year September, that was supposed to take few days. And this was now April.

To cut the long story short, the Indian counterparts asked Mr C to bring 510 dollars to clear the products. Mr C seemed to be fuming because we felt that was just too outrageous to clear products worth about N40,000.00. He said he would keep pricing it, and by this time I was getting impatient.

Anyway, two days later, Mr C said he doesn’t want to use his own personal issues to disturb me, that I should go and clear the herbs myself. He said he would return my 200 dollars. This was in April. I asked which personal issues. He said “I told you my father died. We are doing the funeral in the village.”

It was at this point my countenance towards him changed. He had told me about three weeks earlier that his mother died, and he went to bury her. Now, he was lying that it was his father.

Let’s just say between then and now, it has been a deluge of lies, avoidance, and more lies. He later begged to return N40,000.00 instead of 200 dollars, to which I agreed. The most painful part was that if Mr C didn’t pay the money, how would I take 510 dollars to clear those herbs? It would amount to me using 710 dollars to clear the herbs, and my loss would be massive.

After waiting and waiting and waiting, with more tons of promises, lies, and lies, and lies, I finally decided to clear the herbs myself, without informing Mr C. I did this because I didn’t know the reputation of the agent they had given my herbs to, if they would just dump them somewhere once they don’t see me. And most importantly, the herbs had been there since January. I had bought them since last year September, and they had expiry dates. I couldn’t let Mr C’s fraudulent character kill my own business demands.

On the day I cleared the herbs, Mr C paid me N10,000. Maybe in his mind, he felt he has paid me my money because since then, he has gone from lies and pleas to even raking for me. He just keeps saying “I will pay this week. I will pay next week.” I think because he believes it might not be a lot of money, I will get tired and leave it for him. But the truth is that it means, the loss I am already incurring would even be more.

And he was right in his thought. I got tired. This whole affair had gone on for too long – almost a year! Trust me, what I wrote here is a serious understatement of the real story. The full story will just be too long.

So what did I do? I decided to call Mr C out online, since the internet it where he gets his customers. So I wrote a full blog post like the one you read above, but I included his name, company, website, picture, etc.

I ended with this… “Don’t ever patronise Mr C. He is a liar, cheat, and a fraud! He takes advantage of the fact that people have no way of lashing and fighting back. Many times, he likes to play smart, but he is not that smart. Everyone who imports should stay far away from this man. I have decided to add his picture, in case his current company runs down, and he decides to set up another company.”

And then I sent the blog post to his email, telling him that the only reason he tried this nonsense with me is because he doesn’t know me and my reputation on social media. I told him he had till Monday morning 11.00 am to pay me my money, or the blog post would automatically appear. I would never take it down, unless the money was paid. Anyone who searches for his company would see the blog post. I then scheduled the post to appear at the promised time.

Of course, he knew I wasn’t kidding because I had already done the blog post. If I had gone to that length, then I couldn’t be bluffing.

As usual, he started agitating, and making promises. I didn’t even say anything, and never called him or made a request. Let’s just say that two days later, I received my money.

And that, my friends, is how to fight a battle in this age, without lifting a finger.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Ere's Secret by Firi Kamson




Finally  Ere's Secret is available for pre order on all platforms, from Barnes and Noble to amazon uk, us and canada. and yes our very reliable smashwords.

Yippee Finally…. Ere’s secret by Firi Kamson is available for pre-order on all the platforms from AMAZON to Barnes and Noble.

The book blurb

"I have a secret.
In three days, i'll be turning 40 and i'm in love for the first time. decades ago, i sacrificed my life for the good of my family. but tragedy struck too close to home, reminding me of the brevity of life. Noe i have a choice to make: continue living in the shadows of allow my true self to emerge'.

Ere's Secret promises to be an interesting and easy read, and yes it takes us a while before we discover what the secret it.

About the author:

 Firi kamson was born in Nigeria, where she grew up. Becoming a lawyer, a writer and a pilot was her childhood dream. She dropped the lawyer part and got a B.A. in foreign languages and literature specializing in french. Worked as a freelance translator and a photographer for a couple of years before she decided to explore the creative world of writing. She writes a column for www.sabinews.com, as Tee, an online Nigerian based magazine, where she journals her experiences in South East Asia. The dream of becoming a pilot is still there and who known one day it would be fulfilled. she lives in South East Asia with her nerdy husband and very active daughter and son. Ere's Secret is her first book.

Free copies available. to get a free copy share this blog post on your Facebook wall, twitter page, leave your email address and we would get back to you. hurry up while offer last. winners would be chosen randomly.

Monday, July 13, 2015

One more Blog Post

In the middle of the pain
We will act like nothing is wrong
We will smile when we get to church
Not the regular smile
We will find a way to fake a duchenne one
We will pull our pastor into a corner
Cry on his shoulders
Telling him of how lonely and hollow we feel
How he beat us again
After collecting our money again
How we are miserable again
Because no man looked our way or complimented us again
We would come out of the corner with smiles plastered on our face
After our pastor has dried our tears with his expensive suit
He doesn’t mind that we ruined it with our tears
It sure looks like the one we bought him from Selfridges on our last vacation
Similar to the one we would buy him from harrods on our next vacation
We run home, flip open our laptops
We will write one more blog post

But for now, we would hold our head high
We would tweet
We would act like our lives are perfect
We will not give in to the depression
We will write one more blog post

… A blog post about depression
How it is a cancerous disease that affects other people
Especially pretentiously happy celebrities
Robbin’ Williams of his last comic act
But would never touch ordinary people like us with a bargepole

We would post joyful-sounding status on facebook
Our best friend will ‘like’ our status
We would smile a knowing smile
Knowing she was the one who stayed awake all night to counsel us after he broke our heart once again
Her ‘likes’ really meaning “I know your secret, but I’ll just pretend with you on social media
And if that’s what you want
I will even comment when you write…
One more blog post”

We would go on Instagram
We would check out pictures
We would like pictures
We would post pictures
Pictures of us standing side by side with the source of our pain, swollen faces and bleeding hearts
People will check out our pictures
They would like our pictures
Each click of like generating a smile
Like a directly proportional equation
Till our smiles previously fake are forced into being real
We would lie on our beds once again
Heads on pillow, edges of our lips gradually curving concavely
Smiles turned to frowns turned to tears turned to regrets
Till our eyes close, and our hearts pray they never open again

The blessings of God disappoint us and the morning sunshine wakes us up
We have come to hate our lives
The cycles of pretence eroding the sanity of our moral uprightness
But for now
We must facebook, we must tweet, we must post pictures on Instagram.
We must open our laptops
We must write one more blog post

Monday, July 6, 2015

Inner Court of Relationships

Don’t be deceived by the first two paragraphs, this is not a religious post. Just stay with me, I am going somewhere.

Remember in the Old Testament, the temple had the outer court, inner court and holy of holies. Your level with God basically determined the areas you had access to. Almost everyone was limited to the outer court, which is where people offered sacrifices, and most of the general activities happened.

Some of the people who served at the temple were in the inner court, and they were all Levites, the tribe God specifically chose to serve Him. Then only one person was allowed into the holy of holies, and that was the high priest. Before he can enter, he must be clean and have made some atonement. He must be deemed blameless and sinless in the sight of God. Anything short of this, and he will be struck dead if he enters the presence of God. That is why they always tie a rope to the leg of the high priest so that if he is struck down, the Levites in the outer court can pull him out since they cannot enter the holy of holies.

As human beings, we also have different levels of access in our lives. We have our outer court, inner court, and holy of holies. When we meet people, it is just natural that they be in our outer court for a while, and depending on the level of the friendship that evolves, they graduate to the inner court, and very few people get to the holy of holies. Some people will forever remain in the outer court, and some will graduate to the inner court faster than others.

Pains and betrayals that occur in our lives basically happen when people in our lives have access to courts they have no business having access to. Imagine someone who is supposed to be in our outer court being in our holy of holies. It is madness for someone to meet us yesterday and call him our best friend tomorrow.

We are most guilty of this in relationships. We meet a guy today, start tripping and even when the guy hasn't worked hard to gain our trust, we give our whole heart to the guy. When the guy walks out of our lives, or doesn't give us what we expect, and we become so heartbroken. This happened because we let people into spaces in our hearts they have no business being. And I am not even talking about sex here. I am talking about our vulnerabilities, our care, our passion, love, deep-seated feelings, etc. We need to reserve them for guys and ladies that have at least made it to the inner court. At least, we can hold them accountable in case of any mess ups.

We need to let people prove themselves. Failure to guard our hearts will lead to continual disappointment and eventually, bitterness.

Source
This does not give us the license to be cold to people. We need to be warm and friendly, but be wise to watch how we let people into intimate areas of our lives. Don't just hand the keys to every tom, dick and harry you see in the outer court.

I once heard of a woman who went to her fiance’s house, and got talking to his parents. She came from a very dysfunctional family. She started telling them negative realities about her family, parents, siblings, etc. Basically, she downloaded her family history for them. The intended in-laws were just looking and smiling. Immediately she left, they told their son “you cannot marry her!”

Did she lie? No! What did she do wrong? She gave information meant for people in the holy of holies to people in the outer court. And the in-laws, either out of disgust for the dysfunction or fear that she would be divulging their own family secrets to outer court people when she marries into their family, gave her the boot.

Let us assess our relationships today, and properly determine what court each of them belong to, and then give away information accordingly. Only by this would we be able to save ourselves from serious trouble in relationships.

So what do you guys think?

Monday, June 29, 2015

My Baffling Instagram Relationship

So I've been on Instagram for about a month, and I'm not sure how to describe my feeling about it. My refusal to join for a very long time was as a result of so many things including the fact that I hardly take pictures and its promotion and encouragement of narcissism.

Sometime last month, I just had this inexplicably urge to open an Instagram account even though I had absolutely no idea of what I would post on it. I informed Berry about the urge, and she basically asked me to just go ahead and open it.

So I opened the account and posted a flyer of one of my speaking engagements at oriental hotel. I followed some friends on Facebook and before I could say jack, got some decades of followers.

Right from them, I have observed some things about Instagram, and this is what I plan to share.

Instagram is too expensive to maintain, like a greedy mistress. It embezzles all my data without a care in the world. So after a week of being on it, I began to blame myself for getting on it in the first place.

Selfies and posies get the best likes. For every like you get on a quote picture, you can get 20 likes for selfie, posie picture or pouting pictures. So if you are more concerned about likes, go the route of narcissism. This was an issue for me because of course, I don't take pictures. So I have decided to accept that I won't have many likes. It is fine.

The only pictures I actually go out of my way to take are pictures of my food. I am a bit adventurous with food, but I'm not a foodie, if you get what I mean. I am an extreme healthy food enthusiast, and I like to make cheap food with whatever is readily available, yet not be boring. I therefore take pictures to keep records. I have loads and loads of pictures of my food. So once in a while, I post pictures of these on Instagram, letting people know they can have cheap healthy food right in their houses. These pictures also get more likes than the quotes.

Source
When it occurred to me that I will have to find something worthwhile to do with my Instagram account since I'm not a posie, and not exactly a foodie, I decided that it was best to put out my own intellectual property, in form of pictures. So I started making my pictures right from the scratch, using excerpts of my spoken word performance. This for me is the most genius thing I have ever done with the IG account, because I believe they are actually spoken word lines that jump at the reader and they have a strong message. Unfortunately, these get the least likes.

I was baffled at first. I thought it was something I was doing wrong. It was later I realised it was just the way it was. People would rather like a selfie than a quote. Most people don't go on Instagram to read, they just want to see another picture of a pretty face. Anyway I have decided to just be myself and keep posting my excerpts. If I do anything else, I'm sure I will shut the account down in less than 24 hours.

As for me, what kind of pictures do I like on Instagram? Since, I am more about content, I like pictures that have a clear message. Be it a quote, food, selfie, posie, once it has a clear message, I'm game. So I'm the kind of person who will like a picture with someone dancing with one leg over his head than with him just posing for the camera, because he is sending me a clear message that he is crazy and carefree.

Basically, if it speaks to me, I like it. If it's just another picture in the world of pictures, I will pass.

So here's what I learnt from Instagram. I will rather be myself than gun for likes. Narcissism is like greed. It can never be fed full. The more you get, the more you will want. It is best not to even go down that road. It's not cool to be that person who would take a million selfies just to gain approval on Instagram, but if it’s your cup of tea, be my guest.

Source
In the meantime, I will keep doing what suits me, whether I get likes or not, and that is to picturise my excerpts.

So after all said and done, please follow me on Instagram by clicking here or searching hattylolla001, and you will see pictures like the one below. Please let me know what you think about my pictures below.







Monday, June 22, 2015

Have you visited my Hair Clinic?

Okay, so you didn’t know?

... that I have a hair clinic... Or did you?

Did you know I am a certified and board-accredited trichology practitioner? Did you know that I have a hair clinic called African Naturalistas Hair Consult?

I am glad to inform you that help is finally here in Nigeria for all your hair and scalp diseases and disorders.

Aren’t you tired of asking people for solution to your disorders, but they cluelessly recommend a mixture of castor and coconut oil without even any adequate assessment or diagnosis as to determine whether the disorder is fungal, hormonal, mechanical or more?

Over the years, we realised that some men, women and children are too embarrassed to seek help for their hair and scalp disorders, and would rather hide it under a wig because they feel too ashamed or that no one would understand. You need to understand that whatever problem you are having, your case is not an isolated one.

At African Naturalistas Hair Consult, we diagnose and treat or manage over 50 hair and scalp disorders including
  • all forms of alopecia
  • chronic dandruff
  • scalp psoriasis
  • diffuse thinning
  • telogen effluvium
  • seborrhea and seborrheic dermatitis
  • trichotillomania
  • and so much more than we can name.

With our expertise in trichology, we work closely with our clients, putting their needs and comfort first, ensuring that your goal to having a healthy hair and scalp is a reality.

Even if you don't have any scalp or hair shaft disorder, high chances are that you know one or two people who do. Tell them about us today

Our services include

In depth scientific consultation which is tailored to get the history of the client in relation to the hair and scalp disorders. We would assist in identifying the problems, cause and necessary corrections and recommendations. This in-depth trichology consultation is extremely important for clients experiencing hair loss, scalp discomfort, thinning, etc

High frequency treatment which is a treatment without side effects, and can be done for any length or period of time. We make use of the glass rake to emit light, heat, energy and ozone and apply to the scalp. High frequency machine is used in treating dandruff, hair thinning, and baldness.

For more information or booking enquiries, call 07061141501 or send an email to hairconsult@africanaturalistas.com or watch the short video from me, below.



So that’s the drill. You guys should patronise or tell people who need my services to patronise me o. If you don’t ehn, I will come cap I hands, asking you for financial contribution, in order to recoup all the money I spent going back to school at my old age to become a trichology practitioner.

Monday, June 15, 2015

I never thought I'd be one of them

Do you remember when you were younger, and you asked some people if you could offer them a particular food to eat, and they go “No, thank you. I don’t eat eggs.” And then you are trying to mask your irritation saying “You don’t eat egg? Who doesn’t eat eggs?”

Because they are not discerning enough, they go further to increase your annoyance by saying “Yes o. I am very picky with food. I don’t even eat yam, I don’t eat eba. I can only eat fish when it is fried. If I see onions swimming in any stew, I cannot eat it. I can’t eat chicken or turkey skin. I don’t eat okra or anything that draws. My bread must be sliced, and the crust must be removed. My rice must be green. A certain type of water must be used to cook my food. I’m picky about veggies. I don't eat tomatoes. I don't eat solids. I don't take liquids. I don't take pastes. In fact, a certain body part of mine must be used to cook the food or else, I cannot eat it…” bla bla bla, and some other boring blaaaa.

At this point you just want to stone your friend, and ask “So what do you eat then?”

Source

If you were one of these kinds of people, now is the time to say “Ouch!”

I could never understand them. They just seemed like spoilt people whose parents allowed to have their way. The amount of slaps my mum dished me would never allow me to say “mummy, I don’t like onions swimming in my stew.” By the time she is done with you, you will have a new definition for 'swimming', by the time stars start swimming in your eyes. In my house, any food that is cooked is what you eat. Whether you like it or not doesn’t fit into the equation.

And so, I learnt to eat everything given to me, i.e. except beans of course. I forced myself to eat beans until after I left boarding house after junior school, and I just gave up on the thing entirely. We could never be friends, except it came disguised as ewa aganyin. Now, I don’t even touch the thing at all.

Now, I am forced to cover my eyes in shame. And why?

I am now part of the league of the ‘spoilt children picky food eaters.’

My case is even worse. I actually don’t eat some food again, not because I don’t like them, but because I cannot afford to have them in my body. As I grow older, the number of food I can eat is gradually decreasing.

1. Dairy. Right from the time I started hearing the word lactose intolerant, I always suspected that I was a member of the elite but unfortunate group of people because I knew my digestive system was always messed up after I take milk. Also since I have rumination syndrome, ruminating milk was just a terrible ordeal. Another thing was that milk made me sleep because I always became whenever I drank milk as a teenager or young adult. It made me useless in university lectures, so I never took it on week days. Anyway, I kept taking milk till three years ago when I had to tell myself the truth that I was lactose intolerant. The major breaking was when I started becoming allergic to milk. It basically destroyed my face, upper arms and chest. It started spiking my sebum production and clogged every cloggable pore in those areas. I still have the scars to show for it till today. It was then I stopped it completely, and few years later, started with soya milk, which is absolutely nothing like milk. Let me quickly mention that I did not take breast milk as a baby. I always threw it up, and it made me terribly sick. I did not take baby food for a long time, and started feeding on very soft amala at about 3-5 months. That’s what my mummy told me o. No wonder I’m the only short member of my family.

2. Apples. Along with so many other food, apples make me bloat.  Nothing much to be said here. I basically go from a flat-bellied Halle berry to an aristo-bellied Alao Akala in a space of hours if I consume just one apple. The quote ‘an apple a day drives the doctor away’ is the opposite for me.

3. Cabbages. See the point for apple above.

4. Beans. See the point for apple above.

5.  Groundnut and Egusi: I actually stopped this as  teenager. I can always predict the effect of one groundnut seed on my face. There are some sins I can’t commit, because the consequence will be there for everyone to witness, and one of those sins is eating groundnut and any soup that has egusi in it. Acne and pimples don’t even waste time to let me know who the master is.

7. Mango. Yeah. I know this is hard to think about. But mango also gives me acne. I don’t know if it is the type of sugar in it that spikes my sebum, or the very unique oil contained in the juice, but what I know is this… mango gives me acne!!! It does the same to my maternal aunt too, and apparently some other people I discovered online.

8. Fried plantain. This is actually a very painful one for me, because one of my best food is actually fried plantain. I had to sacrifice it for boiled plantain when I let go of fried food because of my very oily face. The irony of it was that the oil my face was producing was enough to fry another set of plantain under the sun. Till today, if I walk under the sun for 5 minutes, my face is not something you want to touch. Also, my digestion is not something I want to play with. Stopping fried plantain is one of the most painful breakups I have had to go through, but the God who mends broken hearts is still alive, so I am healing.

9. Fried foods, eating out, pizza, floury products, junk food, etc, etc. I guess this explains itself. I am a healthy food enthusiast.

In conclusion, I eat separately from my whole family. Because of my very unique digestive system, and small stomach which is getting smaller by the day, I eat a high-fibre diet. I can hardly eat two complete meals in a day, so I try to make sure my food is highly nutritious so I don't become malnourished. If I try to ignore my digestive needs, and go with the whole world, I end up in serious trouble.

A quick gist. A guy who knew about my digestive system, and the fact that I am allergic to dairy came to pick me on my birthday. In the middle of the journey, I asked where we were going, he said cold stone to have pizza and ice cream. I was pissed because I knew that he really loves cold stone, and I knew the trip was more about him than me. Let’s just say I hardly said a word to him throughout that day. I ended up roaming around Ikeja City Mall, looking for proper food that had vegetable in it, but never found. By the time he dropped my home at night, I was unhappy, hungry, and my stomach was swollen and filled up with gas, so I couldn’t even eat. Anytime I remember the whole thing, I always wished I could stone him with a stone that is really cold. There goes your cold stone.

Now, I eat the food listed above on rare occasions, but it is once in an extremely blue moon, as in the moon must be very blue.

I never knew I would be one of them, but now, if you ask me I will say “My name is Atilola. I don’t take dairy, I don’t eat fried food, junk food, apples, cabbages, mango, beans, groundnut, egusi, etc. bla bla bla and some other boring blaaaa.”

Monday, June 8, 2015

The Devil's Agenda for the Church

So I wrote this Spoken Word piece almost two years ago, and I felt it was really strong and powerful, but I didn't get the inner peace in my mind to go on performing this piece. I know that if one is going to assume the mouth piece of the devil, and go ahead to expose his plans on stage to the whole world, then one should be ready for some serious warfare. Because of some thing that happened to me in the period of two years before I wrote this, I wasn't sure I was ready to take on another vicious warfare. I also felt God asking me to "chill on this one." So I dumped the piece aside, and never rehearsed it. I saw it few days ago, and I felt at least if I can't present it on stage yet, I can publish it for the whole world to see. So here it is... in the devil's own words, not mine.

Source
I am gonna silence the church
Making the bible-thumping Christians go hush hush
Hush- there’s a hatred grenade flying over there
Hush- you risk losing your charisma if you spread the gospel over there

I am gonna empty
The church till it loses its majority
Due to the sins of minority
Till the once fatted calf becomes so emaciated and hungry that it begins to lose its voice
And if it dares utter a sound, it will be taken as nothing but loud noise
Then the unbelievers will go “hush hush…
You talk too much”
Yes, I am gonna silence the church

I am going to divide them, using trivial issues and frivolous arguments
Such as that of prosperity and private jets
Such that they will be too blind to notice
When I enter boldly into their presence with dexterity

I’ll forcefully twist their heads
Shift their focus
Make them forget about his miracles, yet concentrate on hocus pocus
Abracadabra- it is raining money in this church
Abracadabra- there’s a children’s factory on that pilgrim hill
Abracadabra – cars are being shared in that temple
Abracadabra- healing is the order of the day in that cathedra
Cos it’s not only in harry potter books I use my avada kedavra

No. my avada kedavra will shift their orientation
Change their disposition
Make them the focus of their own attention
And distract them so much that the dizziness
from the speed of which I’ll do it will be mistaken for busyness
and the fruit of it will be greeted with righteous jubilation
such that they would begin to neglect the soul’s salvation
the very essence
of the Christian’s existence
in this present dispensation
yes, I am going to silence the church

I am going to dispense…
offence
In the hearts of many, and the tool I will use is the pretence
Of the ones who were supposed to present
A shield of defence
And build a wall of fence
Around the vulnerable ones who came into the presence
Of God to bask in its holy ambience

Like osmosis, I won’t be loud or obvious
As I let the juiccccccceeeeeee
Of gossip and backbiting
Find its way into the nooks and crannies of the body

For the singular body
As the rejection of her church brethren
Messes up with her mind
Toils with the sermons and messages that had been planted in her heart
Becomes bitterness and hatred within her
And all these become a heavy load too weighty for her
To carry
till her…
Spine begins to curve as a result of the burden
She is carrying
And poof!
She is back to the very point
Where she came from
Another victory for me
If only they could see
How I used them to play the Pharisee

For the corporate body
As I begin to cause a crack here
A break there
As the osmotic juice
Of my offence does its work till it finds itself at the deepest root
Causing it to suddenly pop! And explode like a grenade
So loud that unbelievers outside begin to wonder the cause of this charade
Making the believers look like clowns similar to the ones at a carnival’s parade
Thereby rendering them powerless
Clueless
And useless
Till they become like salt so tasteless

Then when my osmosis has taken its full effect
I’m going to make use of diffusion
To disseminate the poisonous gas of lies and deceit
using the ones who became disjointed from the body
Due to the offence
They experienced
From the hands of the ones who were supposed to be their father’s physical evidence

Then I’m going to take their case
To the presence of their father
And ask ‘are these
The people for whom you died on the cross
See how they make a mockery of your blood
Cos they’ll rather feed themselves than care about souls lost

And then I’ll pray
Pray in my own name
That unlike the case of job,
This time, their father would just give up on them
So I can have the liberty to crush them

I’m going to Cause Chaos to Cruise the Coast of the Christians’ Cathedral
Such that they begin to incur the Curse that the Cross of Christ Crossed off over 2000 years ago

I’m going to make them concentrate on charisma rather than character
Such that the concentration of their anointing reminds me of excessively diluted tasty time juice in the hand of a broke boarding house student

By this time, I’d have bound their wrists
Clip their fingers
Shackled their feet
Sealed their lips
Gorged their eyes
Plugged their ears
That they’ll look so beautiful
Yet remain like powerless statues
Till they become mere tourist attractions like Egyptian mummies

They’ll be so lukewarm
And would have become as bland as an over-chewed gum
That even their father would have to spew them
Cos after all, even he if denies me, he can’t deny the words in his literary emblem
Since he had already warned them

So I am going to silence the church
And of my many plans, I have told you a bit much
The question is…
will you be defiant and continue trying to spread the gospel of your father’s salvation
Or assist me in my unrelenting mission

By Atilola Moronfolu

Monday, June 1, 2015

Parental Consent turns Deadly

First of all, let me say Happy New Month to you all. I pray June will be a far better month for you than May was. Can I hear an Amen?

Source
I once knew someone who like many people, was not allowed to get married to who he wanted to marry. Now, if you are a Nigerian, you basically know that this is not a new thing, as parental approval is a big deal here.

I asked him why, he said his mum said this girl is not God’s will for him, bla bla bla. His mum goes to CAC (Christ Apostolic Church), and according to him, after some of them prayed, their spirit just didn’t agree with the girl. That was the only reason he gave me.

About three years later, this guy’s sister in law told me that the full reason was that after ‘praying and checking’, it was revealed to them that this girl didn’t have long life in her destiny.

Now here is the thing, by the time the SIL gave me this aspect of the story, the girlfriend in question was already dead! 

She had died about two years earlier after falling ill for some time, and I remember that my friend was devastated, although he did not tell me his family has ‘seen’ that this girl didn’t have long life. I honestly don’t think they told my friend about the long life part until the girl died much later.

So my friend goes ahead with his life, started dating someone he had met a long time ago, proposed to her. The girl later broke the engagement and returned to her ex, in turn breaking my friend’s heart. He picks himself back up after some period of serious bitterness, and was ready to move on again.

And then, one day, my friend was on the road taking something from the back of his car, when an absent-minded driver who was looking at his phone while driving on high speed hits my friend against the boot of the car, killing my friend instantly. My friend was 30 when he died, and his dead girlfriend must have been about 26 when she died.

Now this is what gets me anytime I remember the whole story.

When they were ‘checking the destiny’ of another man’s daughter to see if she was suitable enough for their son, did they ‘check the destiny’ of their own son to see if he was good enough? How come they were spiritual enough to sense that the girl was going to die soon, yet not sensitive enough to know anything about the guy’s short life? If their son had gone ahead to marry his second girlfriend, assuming she had not called off the engagement, and he had died, how would his parents have felt, knowing that the grief they didn’t want their son to go through because of another girl’s impending death is the same grief another woman is now going through because of their son’s death?

This is one thing that has baffled me for long, and honestly, I have no answers, or don’t know why, so I won’t pretend to be wise, and start sharing insights.

But really, my main question is this? How come they saw the girl didn’t have long life, but they never saw it in their own son?

Please, I really want to know what you guys think. Even though you might not have a definite answer, just share your opinion. Gracias.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Public Disgrace of Singleness

So there’s this pastor I really like. He is actually my friend’s pastor, and leads a branch of one of those conservative churches - the non-trouser, non-earring wearing kind. I like him because he seems genuinely interested in my welfare, and he doesn’t use the “why are you wearing trouser, why are you wearing earring?” eye to look at me. He is married, with 3 kids, and really vibrant. He encourages me well in my down time.

Anyway, when I came back from Geneva, when I went to do the spoken word for the UN conference, my friend calls and says this man was asking after me, and I should call him. I called him, and told him why I wasn’t available to speak to him. So he said I should come and see him. Reluctantly – very very reluctantly, I dragged myself to his church on Sunday afternoon. I was still resting from my trip, and didn’t even go to my own church that morning.

On getting there, we talked a bit, prayed a bit, etc. He then drilled me about what the whole spoken word thing was about, and I explained the best I could. I showed him a video of one of my performances, and he seemed thrilled. Later, we ended the conversation, and I left.

A couple of weeks later, he called me, and said he wanted me to come and minister in his church because he has a special guest. You see why I like this man? Conservative pastor calling a trouser-wearing girl like me to come and minister.

I told him it would be inconvenient since it meant I had to leave the teens I’m supposed to teach in my own church. I told him I would do it but he had to slate me early, so I could leave to my own church.

I could swear that this was what I heard him say. “Please, can you come and do your spoken word in my church. I have a special guest coming to preach, and I want him to see your ministration.”

But he called me a week later, and started asking if I was ready for the ministration, to which I replied in the affirmative. He asked what my topic was, and I told him. He then suggested another topic which I can’t remember now. I told him it was too late because I couldn’t start writing something new and putting it together. I then asked him what topic the pastor was preaching on so I could see how I could manipulate his topic with my ministration during the introduction phase.

It was then the calabash broke.

“What pastor?” The pastor asked.

I was confused. “I thought you said you had a special guest coming to preach in your church, and that is why you are calling me.”

“No o. I mean there’s a guy coming to my church. He is one of our church members, but now works for an oil company in port harcourt. That is the guest I am talking about. He will be in church on Sunday. So I want you to come and do your spoken word, so he can see you. I will now ask him if he is interested in you.”

I’m guessing you are all speechless by now. At this point, I didn’t know what to say. So many things were running through my mind. Couldn’t this man just have called me to come and minister without revealing his true motive to me? After all, the guy also wasn't aware.

Source
“Ha, I didn’t know o. I actually thought it is a pastor.”

“No, it is not.”

Trust my straightforward talk. “Excuse me sir, you know I wear earring and trousers, and you want to introduce me to your church member.” I protested.

“No o, this guy is not like that o. He is the liberal kind.”

“Me, I don’t know o.” I continued.

My friend, who is the one who introduced me to my pastor friend, wasn’t around to witness the drama, cos she had gone to the states to put to bed. I reported the whole incident to her, and told her why it was a terrible idea. First, even though we were both Christians, our doctrines differed totally, and then I have a budding manufacturing business in Lagos. She disagreed with me, but that was her own opinion, and I wasn’t buying it.

I picture myself  married to the guy, always wearing wrapper and long skirt, never wearing earring, and always covering my head. It wasn’t a pretty imagination, lol. So I just determined to put all sentiments aside and do the ministration, forgetting the real story behind it.

In the meantime, I was praying hard that the guy will see me, and not like me. In fact, he should very disinterested in me, cos I don’t want any “Pastor said you are my wife” story in my life. I also don’t want anything that would cause me to reject the guy, and it will now be like “See this one that we are trying to help her case, she still has the guts to reject men.”

A day before the ministration, my pastor friend called me, and told me to make sure I don’t wear earring, and I cover my head, since I will be climbing the altar. I was glad he told me because I wouldn’t have thought of taking a hat.

Anyway, the day came, and I did the spoken word without mentioning anything about the drama to the pastor. All the while I knew that my maybe-potential-husband was in the crowd, watching me. I sha tried not to feel like a guinea pig on display, without earrings and a bowler hat. I wore a knee-length bodicon dress. At least, I met them half way on the earring issue, lol.

Till today, the pastor never mentioned the update to me. Maybe the Holy Spirit did not minister to the guy that I was his wife when I was performing, I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t like what he saw, then he must have been blinded by my prayers.

So that was how the story of my life was put up on public display, because someone was looking for husband for me, lol.

P.S: Please know that this happened two years ago, and as at today, I am still not even 30 yet, lol. This means people really care about my marital status.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Ellipsis

What do you do when after a long time of following a route, you realize that you have made a terrible mistake?

You really thought you were on the right path

You were so sure, you could bet your life's savings

Now, you have been dealt with the heavy dose of your wrongness

And then it dawns on you that you have to start all over again

But it is really painful because you really thought you were on the right track

What do you do?

Will you live in regret of your decisions for the rest of your life

While drowning yourself in tears

Wallowing in the miry clay

Saying "why me, why me? When will my story change?"

No!

You will...

Acknowledge your mistakes

Accept that the fault was yours

Cry a bit

Dust yourself up

Retrace your steps back to the beginning

And start all over again!

Monday, May 11, 2015

Drawing the line between Faith and Reality

I went to a gift and interior décor shop to get a table last week. The owner and I eventually got talking about business challenges and cash flow issues, especially for capital intensive businesses like interior décor stores.

Without any exaggeration, the worth of the items in her store couldn’t be less than 5 million naira because we all know how expensive a single glass decoration or table can be.

In the course of discussion, I realised how hardworking and dedicated this woman was, and I knew she was into a very risky venture. I asked myself “what if she loses all these?”

So I said to her “I hope this place is insured sha,” expecting to hear the usual “yes of course. Why won’t it be?”

The way she hesitated and looked at me confirmed my worst fear when she said “Not really. You know, there is SPIRITUAL INSURANCE!”

Someone please slap me now.

Here is this gigantic interior décor store that takes the expanse of a whole flat with massive investment, plus another warehouse of another flat where we went to carry the items I bought, completely uninsured. And she says spiritual insurance.

I didn’t enter the warehouse to carry my items because someone did that for me, but I knew for a fact that it was even worth more than the store I was standing in. So this is a minimum of 10 million we are talking about. I am absolutely sure it is more than that because she has so many items, much more than you can imagine.

I asked her how much insurance would cost her annually, and she said N200,000 (two hundred thousand naira). I spent a quarter of that in her shop, and I know that she makes far more than that in a day. I said “excuse me ma, go and do insurance please.” I said I don’t want an incident that would be causing her to say “had I known.” I said “I think you should transfer that risk now, as soon as possible. This is to big for it not to be insured. Just too big. I am not an insurance agent, and I am not gaining anything from this so just take it as an important piece of advice which you must implement on immediately.”

After mentioning some cash flow issues, she said she would do the insurance. To be honest, I don’t know if she would do it. Even if she does it, she didn’t sound like someone who would do it soon, as she doesn’t see the urgency in it.

I didn’t want to outrightly tell her that “what if your store burns down” so that she wouldn’t say I wish her evil. I could see that her pastor and church sticker was on her entrance door so I was sceptical to talk anyhow to people who use spiritual insurance.

Source
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am a Christian. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. I pray every day, read my bible every day, etc. Many times, I am engaged in church activities from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. So I don’t think I am really qualified to be called a sceptic or an atheist, though some people would rather label me that because I dare to speak against how some churches are bad neighbours by disturbing people with their loudspeakers at night, in the name of night vigil and stopping people from entering their houses by blocking their gates in residential areas - as if that is what Jesus died for. Anyway, that is another topic on its own because I am sure you can tell how pained I am by this menace.

So my question is this. Do people shun insurance cover because they are Christians? In simple words, should we or should we not insure heavily invested businesses because we have prayed, and covered our businesses with the ‘blood of Jesus’?  When fire outbreaks, flood, natural disasters or robberies occur, is it that the blood of Jesus or spiritual insurance is not at work in that business? Does using insurance cover for your business display a lack of faith?

I know comments here can get controversial because we live in a highly religious society, but let us carefully examine this matter, respecting those who have chosen to solely stick with spiritual insurance and those who have decided to walk by sight by paying the insurance companies.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Would name your child after a celebrity?

I want to know if any of you have friends that were named after famous celebrities. If yes, have you ever asked them why their parents named them after those celebrities?

When I was in boarding house, I had a classmate named Michael Jackson – no jokes. His surname is originally Jackson, but his father thought it wise to name him Michael. He also told us that his sister’s name is Janet, but I don’t know her since she wasn’t in our school. I doubt that it was a lie though. Any man who could name is son Michael Jackson in 1983 – 1984 could definitely name his daughter Janet Jackson.

This guy ended up going to Unilag with me. He wasn’t in my faculty so I never got the opportunity to ask him why his parents did that. I wonder if he even ever asked his father.

Source
In my 500 level, we were asked to register students for a CISCO conference. We gladly complied, and sat at the entrance. Then comes a student to register and collect his tag. We realised his name is HARRY PORTER.

Our mouths opened. We asked him what his real name was, the one his parents gave him, not the one he chose for himself. He said Harry Porter. We asked him if his parents like the series, and why they name him after the main protagonist. He said his surname is really Porter and his first name is Harry, and his parents have no idea about the series. He is a Yoruba boy.

We found it hard to believe, so he went ahead to prove his point.

Firstly, his surname is PORTER, not POTTER, as spelt in the Harry Potter Series.

We weren’t totally convinced as his parents could have used the fact that his surname is Porter to name him after the famous protagonist.

Then what silenced our doubt was when he brought out his ID card. He was born long before JK Rowlings conceived the idea of writing and publishing the Harry Porter Potter series.

Spooky coincidence. It seemed he had used his magic wand and witchcraft on us so we were finally believed. Dumbledore to the rescue.

So even though Harry Porter’s own was unintentional and just a mere coincidence, why do parents name their children after celebrities, making them adopt the name and surname?

My own sister’s name is Hilary. At first, it might not seem like a big deal, except when you consider some facts. First, she is the only one with an English name in my house. Secondly, it is her first name, and she was named after Hilary Clinton!

She was born in 1999, after all of us had become old, and I dare to say my father decided to have a child just because they could name him/her Hilary. Yes, he liked Hilary that much, and he always said whether the child is a boy or a girl, the child would have Hilary as a first name.

His reason? Because Hilary Clinton stood firmly by her husband during the Monica Lewinsky saga even though he was guilty. He was always raving about Hilary, and followed the case to the very end. Till his death, that was the person he admired most in the whole world. He admired her till the point that he went to have a child he didn’t need so he could name after her.

What do you guys think about this? Also if you were to name your child after a famous person, who would that be?

Monday, April 27, 2015

Ruining my neighbours' sexual escapade

A male and female lizard were courting each other right at my window pane. Immediately I saw the back of the female arched in a semicircle and her tail raised, with the male lizard continuously going round her, I remembered what my biology teacher taught me, and knew they were about to mate.

Right at my window pane?

So this is what they do when I'm not around?

I instantly blamed my parent’s decision to use texcote to paint the walls, right there and then

I said to myself “no way, this is my territory. There will be no premarital sex going on here. Where is your wedding ring sef? Show me now because I cannot see any. Damn you lizards.”

"Something I am not doing, you people have the liver to do, right in my very presence. What audacity! You don't even know your mate."

I mean, it was like they were saying to me "I'm having sex, and you aren't. Deal with it." So I decided to rain on their parade.

Source

I immediately brought out a leg of my trainers and threw it at the window to startle them. The male lizard immediately ran away, but the female one didn't. She looked really startled and moved a bit, hanging on the wall but was still there.

Na wa o, this female lizard must really be in the mood. So I kept using my shoe to hit the window. Believe me, it still hung on, and was looking straight at me (or should I say, diagonal since its eye is at the side of its head). I couldn't see whether it's tail was still raise because it was hanging vertically and I was inside my room.

Can you see how in times of pressure, men just run away, and women stay no matter whose ox is gored. I even slid my net open and shut it forcefully about three times but this lizard did not shake from its hanging position

I wasn't sure whether it was hanging for its dear life or it was determined not to give up on the sexual escapade I was bent on ruining.

When after 20 minutes, it was still there, I concluded that they were having sex, but since I was inside, I could only see the head of the female lizard, and the male lizard was beneath, doing the deed.

I concluded that since these lizards did not fear God, and had decided to be unchristian in their ways by having unwedded sex in open space, how would they even fear me?

And you won’t believe it. I am not lying or exaggerating. I was rushing to church the next morning. I was about to close my windows when I saw these same two lizards. The male was courting the female by circling her, and the female had her back arched in a semicircle and her tail raised.

Ewoooo, they were at it again.

Source
Apparently, they don't give a hoot about my ‘no premarital sex in my territory’ law or even the anointing oil I sprinkled overnight to drive spirit husbands that might want to have sex with me away.

I just slid the glass window shut, stepped out of my room, and locked the door, pretending I didn’t notice them.

Damn my horny reptile neighbours! All these lizards of nowadays. Ko si respect mo.

Monday, April 20, 2015

The real meaning of CHANGE!

So on my way from church yesterday, four young adults decided to hitch a ride with me. The sun was really out in full force, and the guy on the right hand side of the back seat wound down the window. As soon as I noticed, I told him to wind it back up because he wasn’t allowing the AC to circulate well. Because of this, I locked all the windows from my side, and later dropped the guy off at his nearest stop.

Later in the right, the lady sitting on my right wanted to wind down, but noticed it wasn’t winding down. She then asked me to wind down, and I asked her why. She said she wanted to throw a sweet wrapper out. The next thing that came out of my mouth was...

“Are you alright?”

 I was extremely surprised. I expected that she of all people would know better.

 “You want to throw something out of my car window on the street.”

Because of my scolding, she tried to defend herself. “It’s just a small sweet wrapper.”

 “Ehn ehn, so what? And you go to ABC church. You are supposed to know better.” I continued my scolding.

“You are a Christian, and are supposed to make a difference.”

She tried to say something else to defend herself.

I now said “Thank God you didn’t throw it out. If you throw anything out of my car window, I will stop the car, you will get down, and you will pick it up! How can you litter the road?”

At this point, she got the message.

“Anytime you have something like that, just put it in your bag, and when you get home, throw it in the bin.”

End of conversation.

I am actually surprised that in this day and age, with all the awareness and shouts of CHANGE up and down, enlightened people can still think throwing things out of cars and littering streets is normal. I just cannot wrap my head around it. And to think she actually asked me to allow her wind the glass down, when she knows I like things being done properly. She must have really thought that it was very normal.

Source
So people, when next you see Nigerians doing or trying to do funny things like littering the streets, jumping queues, urinating in gutters, etc. and you have the power to do something about, please do something about it. Speak out, and the ripple effect of this action will pay off in future. And that people, is how we really CHANGE the country, not by shouting CHANGE.


Monday, April 13, 2015

Irresponsible Memes, Insults and Manipulations

Hi people. I realised it has been a long while since I put of a random post of different topics. I will just let you in on some things that have been going on in my mind

After the presidential elections, when the votes were being counted, even with the average percentage of turnout in the north, there were so many votes counted there. This is because the north is very large, and there’s a high population there, though low population density due to very large landmass. Anyway, someone thought it wise to create a picture meme stating that “with all the votes counted in the north, what exactly had boko haram been killing?” Unfortunately, many Nigerians thought it wise to broadcast this by putting it up on their DP, and laughing at it.

Source
I think this is highly disrespectful to Nigeria and the families of people who lost their lives to the insurgents in the north. It is sad that not enough is being done, and the families have not been compensated. People have lost lives, businesses, homes, and many people have been displaced. Yet some Nigerians are joking “What (not who) has boko haram been killing? As if people in the north are chickens.” What if any of us were the victims. The person who created that meme, and everyone who shared it on their status should cover their eyes in shame! Shame on you all!

Secondly, concerning the woman whose three sons were kidnapped by her new maid. Most people came out condemning her for hiring a maid in OLX. Someone even went on facebook, called her stupid, foolish, and unfit to be a mother. Let me not lie, that comment brought out unhappiness from me. We humans are quick to judge and condemn when unfortunate things happen to people (case of Job). Now, I am not here to debate the woman’s actions, or the rightness of hiring maids or au pairs on the internet. But why would we just come out and ignore people’s history (which we know nothing about), and then insult them because of their misfortune. If a woman loses her marriage, it’s her fault. If a man loses his job, it’s his fault. A child dies of illness, it’s the parents fault. People just find ways to blame the victims for their misfortune. Even though it seems risky, people have hired maids on OLX. Did we insult them? Just because this woman’s story went awry doesn’t give us the right to run our mouth and calling her names. Mind you, she is a mother of four boys (is it easy?). So many children have been kidnapped even with all the carefulness of parents, and so many children have been safe even with the carelessness of the parents. God’s grace comes to play a lot in these situations. Please, let’s dedicate our time to pray for this woman and her family, so they can go through this period with enough support till they get their kids back, and let’s pause on the insult. God forbid, if anything unfortunate happens to us, and people start blaming us in our misfortune.

Lastly, about underage voting. During the presidential election, there was a picture about a young guy doing accreditation that went viral. Some people also thought it wise to gather pictures of children queuing for immunization in the north, cropped the beginning and end of the picture out, and say it was underage voting. Also during the governorship election, there was a picture of a young girl in hijab doing her accreditation, going round too.

I am not partisan, and trust me, this is not a political opinion. But going by the pictures, I am not yet convinced that there were SERIES of underage voting. Maybe later, but not yet, and place emphasis on the word, series. Here is why. When I was 20 years old, I looked younger than two individuals in those 2 pictures who were accrediting. Basically, my face remained the same between 13 and 24. And since then, I would say I have only aged very slightly. If I take away my makeup and extensions (if I wear any), I look far younger than my age once I don’t open my mouth to speak. When I was about 15, a friend of my mother saw me and said “This is your daughter? This one won’t grow old o.” I teach teens in church. I regularly get comments like "we don't see any difference between you and your students. You look just like them." So what I am saying is you can’t say a guy is underage just because he looks young, if you have not seen his birth certificate. I am not saying there was no underage voting, I am only saying I have not yet seen pictorial evidences of series of the,. If we later see a lot of childlike-looking people coming out to vote in pictures (not the immunisation one), we will now raise complaint. But as for now, the only picture is of an individual (during governorship) and another (during presidential). I also think those people who doctored pictures of children on queue for immunisation did a very mischievous thing, and don’t have the interest of Nigeria at heart. Shame!

Anyway, that concludes my rant for now. Feel free to bash my head over or love me up in the comment session.

Monday, April 6, 2015

This is exactly why you don’t want me at your event

I was invited to a game day event by my friend, Jumoke, of Artrubic ( (Everyone really needs to check out artrubic.com mehn. It is all things artsy, a website where people go to upload their writeups, paintings, poems, videos, and many other artworks, and they are currently running a giveaway). I had been looking forward to the event, and decided not to miss it for anything, because I am generally a boring person who likes to keep to herself. I recently decided to change this aspect of my life, and socialise more, so far I don’t have to be buying aso ebi and go to weddings. I am not a fan of that at all.

So on Saturday, jumoke hits me up on BBM, and the conversation goes this way…

Jumoke: Hi dear

Me: Hey Wasup?

Jumoke: So I need to confirm if you are coming on Monday and what you would be bringing and who you might bring with you, etc.

Me: I’m not bringing anyone. I might bring bananas, biscuits, or groundnut.

Jumoke: Ok. Biscuits please.

Me: Hmm. You k now I’m into healthy eating, so biscuits were actually my last option (devil smiley). Can’t I bring garden egg and broccoli?

Jumoke: ABEG OK. BIKO! EJO! NOOOOOOOOO!

Me: (ROTFL smiley) Ok. Cauliflower nko? We need to eat healthy.

Lamide: Atilola this is Lamide (boxing smiley)

Apparent, Jumoke had given the phone to Lamide, her sister, to talk sense into my head.

Me: You pipu want to be eating marshmallows? And be getting fat? Lamide

Lamide: No try am o

Me: I thought you said you want to lose weight

Lamide: Ehn not in one day

Me: I’m helping you achieve your dreams na. You should be thanking me.

Lamide: Monday is a day cheat o

Me: (devil smiley, mischief smiley)

Lamide: No try am
Me: Ok then, let me bring agbo jedi to balance out the sugar. As you don’t want to accept my fruits and vegetables

Long silence

Jumoke: Back to Jumoke. Erm see I don’t mind biscuits. I’m not even picky, even crackers are fine. But hob nobs are better, and chocolate chip cookies. (grinning smiley)

Me: No! Digestive biscuit. It is whole meal, so it is healthy (ROTFL smiley). No chocolate o (Tongue out smiley)

Jumoke: Digestive ke? You don’t plan on eating rice ba? Or chicken?

Me: I am eating rice o. I am not on a diet.

See, my issue with these two ladies is that they always talk about how they want to lose weight. Lamide is very slim, while Jumoke is slightly bigger. They both aren’t what you will call fat, though Jumoke is bigger.

As for me as a person, I’m not the kind of person that would buy cake and ice-cream or any other of those things for myself or to an event. I eat them once in a blue moon if I come across them, but I wouldn’t buy them. So why would I buy them to an event when they are

  • More expensive?
  • Less healthy?

I find ways to incorporate fruits and veggies into all my meals. I don’t joke with my fibre at all. The fact that I hardly eat out makes it easy for me. In fact as we speak, I am fully stock with banana, orange, potato, plantain, avocado, garden egg, carrot, etc. And trust me, I am not a diet. If I try dieting at all, I will just disappear in 5 minutes.

Source
Left to me, I wanted to take banana, orange, or garden egg to that event, but I knew they would give me a BBM slap, so I met them half way to say, banana, groundnut, and biscuit. Abi, I no try, even though I don’t eat groundnuts because of acne? I also don’t take dairy products because they spike my sebum.

You might say that the event is not about me or what I want, but what others would enjoy, but remember that others will most likely be bringing all the sweet unhealthy stuff, so I am allowed to tilt the balance a bit, abi. Plus all these ladies always talk about how they want to lose weight.

So here is my grouse. I strongly believe 80% of the ladies at that event, including Lamide and Jumoke, always talk about how they want to lose weight, but when I offer them the way to achieve this dream of theirs, they turn around and throw my offer back in my face.

Abi did I do wrong?

Anyway, I will be taking biscuit to the event, and it will be whole meal digestive. I am doing it out of love, lol. They will thank me when they are 70 years old, and still competing with Usain Bolt.

Monday, March 30, 2015

When your own blood hates you

Hey people, wasup? How was Saturday for you? I hope you all went out to vote your conscience, and stayed out of trouble? Anyway, I trust you guys. My readers are wise and intelligent, just like me, lol.

I was thinking about something recently. Remember in this post, when I mentioned that in Brazil, people were asked to order poems from poets, and we were supposed to ‘cook’ the poem on the spot for the customers?


Well, the story of my first customer really touched me. She wanted me to write a poem for her daughter. Through the translator, she told me that her daughter detests and hates her for no just cause. She believes she is suffering from karma, as a result from something she has done in her past life.

They have never been close, and she hasn’t liked her since she was a child. She said that since the girl was small, she has continually done things to intentionally hurt her.


She went ahead to say that her marriage with her husband didn’t work out, and her daughter blamed her the more for this. According to her, she and her daughter were both mean to each other in the past, but she doesn’t want that anymore.

She said her daughter is now in her early twenties or late teens (can’t remember which), but she wants to make peace with her. She wants me to write a poem to tell her daughter she loves her, and doesn’t want to fight anymore.

You could see on the woman’s face that she was really hurting. It was really moving. Since the daughter wasn’t there to tell her own part of the story, I had to rely on just the woman’s version to cook the poem. The poem was for the daughter. I really hope the daughter would like the poem sha because she sounds hard and mean, according to the mother’s story, and I had about 5 to 15 minutes to deliver. I am actually writing this post because a copy of the poem fell out of my laptop bag.

By the time the translator and I read it to her, she was just crying and hugging me. When it was all over, it was surprising to see that she was still hanging around. She came to meet me, and kept pecking me, speaking Portuguese, which I didn’t understand a word of, while I kept telling her ‘I don’t know what you are saying’, lol. She even went to search for me on facebook, added me, and sends me occasional messages which I have to use google translate to understand, lol.



So what do you think? How do you pursue a path of peace with someone who detests you, especially your own daughter – someone you brought to this world? I know there are so many people in this situation, and they constantly hurt from the fact that someone who they love so much hates them, like father hates son, son hates father, etc.

What do you do? That's all I am asking.

Monday, March 23, 2015

The freedom of Anonymous Bloggers

When I set up my blogger account, and started blogging, I never knew there was anything like anonymous blogging. It wasn’t until I became active in blogsville that I noticed some bloggers had no identity. By then, it was already too late for me.

Source
I feel like anonymous bloggers are so fortunate. I like ranting and letting out through my blog, but the fact that I am not anonymous means there is a limit to what I can say. Everyone knows my blog, so I can’t afford to give people undue access into my personal life, just by reading my blog, a mistake I made a couple of years ago. I mean, I can meet a distant relation I have not seen or talked to in over 10 years saying, “there was this personal article you wrote two years ago, it really touched me.” Haa, wahala.

Being an open identity blogger means you have automatic monitoring spirits on your case. So you might need to go to MFM prayer city for monthly spiritual check. Exes, stalkers, enemies, frenemies, families, friends, and even your parents will be using your blog to keep tab on you.

That is how last week, I was frying egg. My mum saw me, and said “you have started eating egg?”
I looked at her with a bewildered face, saying “why won’t I eat egg? Isn’t egg healthy? I never stopped eating egg.”

Then she goes “Didn’t you write about how eggs were affecting you on your blog some time ago?”
“That’s because I overdosed on eggs, aargh!”

You see what I mean by monitoring spirits? A post of over two years ago! You can read it here.

This is the reason why I am baffled at anonymous bloggers like Naija Bachelor who are eager to come out of the closet. It’s as if they just want to give up all that freedom I envy for nothing. All they get is a month or so of blogsville hailing, and when the mystery fades and dusts settles, they might wish again that they were anonymous.

Note please. If you are anonymous, that doesn’t mean you should say all the nonsense in this world. There are so many anonymouses whose covers have been blown. I personally know a couple of anonymous bloggers because they considered me worthy enough to reveal themselves to me, in person. So we don’t want to read your escapades about how you regularly cheat on your wife or husband, or colourful details of how many married men you have slept with. That kind of thing usually comes back to bite in the butt. You can read more about that here.

As for those who call themselves semi-anonymous like Toinlicious and Cherrywine, una jus dey deceive yaselves. You are either anonymous or not. *ducks blows*

And lastly, for anonymous commenters who hide their identities just to spew insulting and hate comments on people’s blogs, well, if you are not a coward, why don’t you comment using your real identity. Remember that you will sow what you reap, even if you repent in blogsville church and become born again!

Monday, March 16, 2015

Frank Talk about Mother’s Day craze

Warning: You are likely going to stone my blog page after reading this article, thereby damaging your screen, causing you to hate me for the loss you used your hands to incur. So beware before going ahead to read.

Firstly, let me burst your bubble by saying yesterday, 16th March, 2015, was not Mother's Day. I'm really sorry to break the news this way, but truth is sometimes bitter. Yesterday was Mothering Sunday, celebrated by Catholics in UK and Ireland, not Mother's Day. Anyway, moving on...

I got home from church yesterday, and proceeded to the kitchen to fix a meal for myself. While dicing the carrots, my mother came to the kitchen and said jokingly. “You did not even wish me happy mother’s day.”

I said “Ehen.” In my mind, I was like “you too?” lol. So I said “okay oooo, happy mother’s day.”
I was surprised because I have never said happy mother’s day to my mum. Please, don’t stone me, I promise you, I don’t hate my mum. It’s just that we were not raised with the mother’s day consciousness in my family, thereby causing my surprise.

I am therefore going ahead to blame the whole thing on social media. Lol. Yes, while some people blame Goodluck Jonathan for everything, including the fact that they accidentally cut their thumb in the kitchen, I blame social media for everything.

Ever since social media blew up, during every mother’s day, everyone puts up DP about how their mothers are the best in the world. Mother’s day is now more celebrated than in the past, such that my non-mothers-day-celebrating mother has now bitten the bug.

Back to the conversation. My mother now goes

“Or didn’t you celebrate mother’s day in your church?”

I said “I don’t know, I was with the teenagers all through.” This was not exactly true because I entered the main church briefly, and they asked all women to stand up in church, and sang ‘sweet mother’ for them. Also, in teens church, they asked every female to stand up, and we clapped for them.

“You are even supposed to buy me a gift to celebrate mother’s day.” she continued.

“Really? But you don’t buy me gifts on children’s day.” I said. “Am, I not a child to you? All these mother’s day and all other days are just holidays.” I said, making no sense, but wanting to cover my inadequacies as an inconsiderate daughter.

“But you used to get holidays every children’s day.” she said.

I just looked at her, and said to myself, “see, you don’t get the message. Were you the one giving me the holidays? And really, I meant you don’t give me gifts every children’s day, so why the guilt trip?”

There are just some people who can never be sent on a guilt trip, no matter how hard you try, and I am one of them.

Now, contrary to what you might be thinking, I love my mum. She is really cool, lol. She is so cool that she freezes the sun (no one should steal my punchline, abeg). So let’s get that out of the way. She buys me things, I buy her things – well sometimes. I was just so surprised that the whole social media mother’s day thing got to her.

My mum reads my blog posts. I hope I don’t get into trouble when she reads this one. She might just send me packing, lol. The woman has really tried sha. Having a frank-talk writer, poet and spoken word artist as a daughter is really a burden no mother should bear, lol.

Source
Now in Nigeria, we just like to follow trends blindly. Did you guys notice that last year, when mother’s day was celebrated twice, some people started getting confused, saying “didn’t we celebrate mother’s day few weeks ago?” Well, that is because different countries celebrate mother’s day on different days. Catholics and Protestants in Ireland, United Kingdom, and Nigeria celebrate it fourth Sunday in the lent seasons, and it is called Mothering Sunday. The real Mother’s day, is on 2nd Sunday in May, which more than 60% of the world’s countries, including United States. This is why most times, since we like do follow follow, we celebrate it twice in Nigeria. First we do it with the Catholics because of Social Media following, and then we later do it with the United States. (You can read more about Mothering Sunday and Mother's Day - Google is your friend). Readers are leaders of information and knowledge!

Fact: Do you know that the founder of mother’s day, Anna Jarvis, later in her life started protesting the celebration of mother’s day, becoming a major opponent because she felt it had been commercialised? In fact, she spent all her inheritance and the rest of her life fighting the celebration till she died.

Another thing, how come on mother’s day, everyone’s mother now becomes the best mother. Doesn’t that contradict the meaning of the word ‘best’, seeing that there can be only one ‘best’? Therefore, if everyone’s mother is best, it means no one’s mother is really the best.

Lastly I leave you with this meme I truly love, but did not create. Believe me, I didn’t write it. It goes something like

If everyone’s mother is the best, then who are the witches always flying at night, and doing bad things to other people?

I guess their kids are also out there telling us how their mum is the best mum in the world.

If you made it to the end of this post without breaking your screen, congratulations. But promise me you would not slap me when next you see me in person.

With that said, happy mother’s day Mothering Sunday to all the beautiful mothers and mothers to be out there. And that’s excluding the witches. *Ducks jazz*

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