Monday, April 14, 2014

Launching my Spoken Word brand on Blogsville



As most of you know by now, I am perform Spoken Word on a professional level. I am therefore wondering why none of you in blogsville has invited me to perform at any of your events.

I am offering a different kind of entertainment, guaranteed to BLOW YOUR MIND! Don't hesitate to call me to perform at your wedding, events, conferences, concerts, funeral grandparent's funeral, etc.

I recently launched my Spoken Word Website. Please, click here to check it out, and let me know what you think about it. You will find many things about my Spoken word life there, including pictures, videos, and all.

You can also like my facebook page here.

Abeg, make una spread this love o. As a means of appreciation, you can watch the spoken word video below. It is a funny one about the love poem I will write to my future husband. You have the liberty to believe what I said in the video. It is your choice.

Thank you, beautiful people of Blogsville. Odi kwa too much. *Blows kisses at you*. How do you like my badge below? Don't let it blind you o, cos you still need your eyes intact to watch the video below it.






Monday, April 7, 2014

If you want to be a thief...

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I noticed one evening that I had not seen the house help my mum brought into the house just a week earlier. I really don't understand why she brought a house help, cos we were doing just fine without one. Anyway, I digress. So I asked my sister if the girl was no more around. My sister told me she was no more around. I was confused as to why, since she had just spent a week. 

Upon probing further, I learnt that it was because her brother, who was serving as a help to my grandmother, "ran away with some of my grandmother's things." I was alarmed. I was like "What kind of people are these?" Just less than a week, he stole from an old woman, and ran away.

So my mum asked the girl for her phone, to seize it, with the intent of returning the phone to the girl when their parents come to Lagos to see my mum. My mum told the girl that she wants the phone in case the guy calls her or they are conniving for something. The girl refused to give my mum the phone, and my mum sent her packing. This was the way my sister and cousin narrated the gist to me.

I was like na wa o. So what did the guy steal and run away with?

I asked "What did he steal?"

"La casera and..." My cousin started.

"Wait, wait. What?" I was trying to hold myself from laughter. As I type this now, I am losing it.

"Lacasera and Viju milk."

"Lacasera and Viju milk?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Yes."

"He ran away with Lacasera and Viju milk? That is all?"

"And some of Maami's meat."

When I heard meat, I couldn't hold myself again. I just released it. My sister and my cousin started laughing along with me.

"How many Lacasera?" I asked. At least, it would make sense if it was like 10 cartons he ran away with, so he could go and sell them and start a business.

"Like 4 Lacasera and Viju milk." My cousin said.

To be honest, I think they are following the guy from the village they came from. They sent you to come to Lagos to work. Four days later, you steal and run away. And you didn't even steal TV, gold, money, diamond, or even phone sef. You stole Lacasera, Viju milk, and meat, and ran away. And you feel like you are a baddo. I want to believe this guy is nothing less than 23  years old, from what I saw what I met him. And he can't even steal sensibly. Kpschewww

In order news, I want to quickly do one blogsville gbeborun. Recently, this realisation just hit me. As you guys know, I have met many bloggers in person, and I have found out one thing. Do you know that a lot of these blogsville people come from rich families?

Don't say it is me that said it o, cos you did not hear it from my mouth sha.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Check out Sisi Yemmie's reviews of African Naturalistas Hair Products

Hi Everyone,

So our own blogsville grown celeb, Sisi Yemmie, did a review of African Naturalistas Hair products. As you might already know, I run the African Naturalistas runs a hair care blog, along seven other fabulously fabulous ladies. Kai, my team members are just the bomb, Boko Haram aint got nothing on them. Aside the blog, we also manufacture hair products, and run a sort of consultancy where we receive calls from people who have questions about natural hair, and attend to tons and tons of mails about natural hair, all for free.

So Sisi Yemmie did a review on some of our products. If you are not familiar with our products, or know have just heard about them, and want to find out more, you should definitely watch this video below.



To check out our online store and purchase your products, or just feed your eyes and purchase later, click here.

To read our hair care blog, click here. Trust me, that blog is a repository for healthy hair care practices, whether you are natural or relaxed.

You don't want to click? Okay, just pick up your phone and call 07061141501 to place your order, or ask questions about natural hair care.

Oya what are you waiting for? Get your fingers clicking.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Why your attitude towards Books and Reading is the way it is

Are you someone who hates reading, are you someone who cannot seem to finish any book you pick up, are you someone who loves reading only a certain genre of books, are you someone who can read any book you see, or are you someone who would not rest until you finish that book you’ve picked up?

I’m sure you know what category you fall into, by now. Knowing what drives you will help you understand why your attitude towards reading is the way it is.

1. Some people read for enjoyment. For these people, reading a book is like buying a drink and popcorn, and watching a movie at the cinema. They want to get lost in the book, and enjoy it. So if the book is too boring for them, or too disturbing for their liking, they drop it like it’s hot, and move on to the next prospect.

2. Some people read for relaxation. Maybe they have a stressful life, and the little time they have to rest, they just want to read a book to calm their nerves. If the book is too mentally tasking with its plots and twists that one has to go back to page 90 to understand what page 360 means, or if the book is full of complex English words and sentences that one has to check the dictionary every single second, they will not finish the book. Let's just say if the movie, Inception, was a book, they would never finish it. It is just too much for them. This is because the book is causing them to work, which is what they have been doing all day, and are trying to avoid by picking up a book in the first place.
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3. Some people read to escape reality. These people believe that life sucks, is bitter, too hard, etc. These kind of people don’t like to read books that portray reality, they won’t read a horror novel, novel about child abuse or human trafficking, etc. because they have the real world to remind them of these tragic events. They love fantasy books, happily ever after romance, mills and boons, and anything that can provide the succour the real word cannot. They detest books with sad endings, and the ones who fall under the category of readers who read the last three pages of a book first to find out the end, even before starting the book.

Books: expectation vs reality
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4. Some people read to improve their knowledge of English. These kinds love to read literary fiction most. If the book is too simple and basic,  and its an adult book but seems kids book, or if it is not intellectually stimulating, and there's nothing for them to read or challenge their current knowledge of English, they will drop it.

5. Some people read for curiosity, and to learn something new. These are the kinds that will read every book in the world if they had life long enough to do that. If your book is boring, they will endure it. If it’s mentally tasking, they will sigh and put in the work to keep reading. 99% of the time, these kinds of people will make sure they finish any book they pick up. They just want to learn something… anything. It’s the satisfaction of knowing they have conquered yet one more book that drives them.

What category do you belong to? I belong to the last, unfortunately for me. Knowing the one you belong to will help you understand why your attitude towards reading is the way it is. And if you are not satisfied with your attitude, at least, now you know why, so you can always change it to another. Since you are now aware, the knowledge can even help you in selecting the books you choose to start reading.

P.S: I am looking to partner with Events Planners on a business idea we have. If you are an Events Planner and interested, or you know anyone that might be interested, please let the person contact me on 07061141501 or hattylolla@yahoo.com. Thanks


Monday, March 17, 2014

How I hustled to graduate from University

I recently came across some documents that inspired this post.

If there is someone who was plagued with a curse of missing or miscalculated results, it was me. I was in a department that was full of hustle, but at the same time, understanding. If you did not know how to be proactive, you will be kicked by the wayside.

Right from the day I became an official student of that department, my hustle began. I was a good student, but due to faults that were not mine, my results were not so good until my fifth year.

In my first year, all my GST results were not released. Later, two out of three were released after I got my hustle on. In my third year, the last one was found, but suddenly went missing in my fifth year again. I was so pissed, and started another round of hustle. They had to take the matter to the GST department, where they realized that all these while, my records were in Surveying and Geoinformatics department. For Six whole years. Please, does Surveying and Geoinformatics sound anything like Electrical?

Another one was in my year 5. One of my results was published, and I saw a C there. By year 5, I had sharpened up, and knew that me and C had no business. When I saw C, I wrote another letter, which was forwarded to the lecturer who was very understanding. She looked at it, and saw her error, and upgraded it to B. It was me who still went back to see the reply, and took the reply to my course adviser. I waited till my course adviser corrected it in my front. Yes, I was that persistent.

There was another inter-departmental course I got upgraded from D to B. Imagine D in a four unit course. Awon alakoba.

By the time I was in year 5, my G.Ps which had gone from 2-1 to 2-2, jumped back to 2-1, after  several corrections here and there. I had to hustle from lecturer to HOD to course adviser, scrolling through piles of letters, carrying my letters from place to place, and making sure no one spoilt my hard work. I am sure if I even looked into many more courses, more errors would have been found, but it’s all good. By the time I was in my final semester, I made almost a 5.0 GPA, but years of damage had been done, and I went with my 2-1 (which was partly my fault too).

Below are two documents I found. You can enlarge, and follow through my hustle by starting from number 1, if you are interested, and can survive the interesting handwriting.
By this time, I had almost graduated.
Yet, I was still writing letter for results

Story of how I used almost 5 years
to search for one result.
You will pray to read, pray to pass, pray for papers to be marked accurately, and pray for results not to go missing. I know some people who had to rewrite year 2 or year 3 inter-departmental courses while in year 5, just because the missing results were never found, and they did not want to wait any more, and have extra year.

I am glad I was in a department that actually followed through with complaints of students. I am glad I was in a department that did not take advantage of people in trouble, telling them to drop money or sleep with lecturers. I am glad that I went to a school where handout sales are not the way to passing a course (Handouts are not allowed UNILAG), but still I didn’t have to have a miserable result life in school. My friends never did, it was just me. But Maybe God was using those obstacles to develop other characters in me.

Yes, I learnt hard work, persistence and tenacity, while I was in school, but it didn’t have to be that way at all. Anytime I thought about my pending cases in various departments, my heart leapt. And when 5 years later, I cleared every single problem, I gave a serious testimony.

It is even now sad that the education system is now worse than in my days.

Still, I miss my Electrical days in UNILAG sha. How Odd?

And now that I have hustled to obtain my engineering degree, all I want to be is a 1920s gangster, and blow away people's heads. The pictures below say it all.




Monday, March 10, 2014

"I have decided to stop attending church!"

“All these pastors of nowadays sef, all of they are hypocrites, liars. They only want to collect our money. Last week my pastor bought another car, after he just completed his third house, yet many of the church members are homeless. His children are schooling abroad, yet many of the church members cannot afford school fees. The assistant pastor was just uninstalled after he impregnated the worship leader. I wanted to port to my brother’s church, but a soft-sell magazine published a picture of him in Okija shrine last week. I am fed up. All these pastors are just there to make their own lives better by deceiving members of the church. Even the church members nko? That’s a story for another day. These are the end times, and they are all false prophets. In fact, I am no more attending church. After all, I don’t have to attend church to make heaven… bla bla bla, and some more boring blaaa.”


Source

*Yawns*

Firstly, you agree that you are a Christian, which is why you made these statements above. Who is your God, the pastor or God? Your being a Christian means you are a part of the Kingdom of Christ, right? No matter how you put it, you have a stake in the kingdom.

Imagine you are a part of a company, and some of the managers and even low-level staff have been misbehaving recently, they have been going against company policies. Some have been caught and disgraced, while some have been hiding their acts, but there are snide comments going on about them. On Monday morning, you are still on your bed by 9.00am, then your colleague calls you to ask where you are ‘cause the boss has been fuming about your lateness. Then you tell your colleague you don’t think you will be working anymore because some people have been going against company policies. You are not quitting because of the work, salary or boss’s attitude, but because of your colleagues who are going against the company policies.

Well, that look on your face as you consider the foolish reasons of the worker in question is the same way you should look at yourself if you decide to stop going to church because some pastors and church members are hypocrites, and don’t truly represent the Christ they preach.

YOU are the light of the world. YOU are the salt of the earth. If some people have decided to become rotten eggs, and pollute the work of God, why don’t you be the light you have been called to be, and stand out of the pack. In the body of Christ, everyone should serve in expanding the kingdom one way or the other (not necessarily by being a church worker). If you decide to switch your own light off because someone else is displaying faulty light, you have also contributed to the darkness all around. Why should another person’s light affect your own light?

This indicates the fact that you are going to church to be served, and the moment you found out the people serving you are not really what they portrayed themselves to be, you decide it is time to shift base. If one goes to church to actually serve, then you know that the thought of severing yourself from the body because of the stupidity of other servers will not occur to you, because your own serving has nothing to do with their own serving.

If these are the end times as you say, trust me, a reputable church is where you want to be taking refuge at the moment. As the day goes by, it is getting harder by the day, for Christians to take a stand, so you need to take cover.

The agenda of the devil is to destroy the church (the body, not the building). One of the ways he is trying to do that is to make the church turn against itself. The question is, are you going to help the devil meet this agenda by deserting the church because of what a pastor you trusted did? We all know that when the devil wants to destroy someone, he doesn’t make it very obvious, the first thing he does is to play the isolation card. He isolates you from church, friends, family, etc. and makes you think you can be fine by yourself. By the time problem shows up, you see that you have no covering at all.

If you tell me that you are no more going to church because you are now a Muslim, a Buddhist, atheist, etc. that is a reason that actually makes sense. But to say you will be a Christian, but will dissociate yourself from the church (the body of the one who you claim you serve), because of what some pastors did actually makes no sense at all.

Contrary to what you might think, this is not a post about religion or Christianity. It is more about reasons that make sense or not. And also, I know the truth is that many pastors actually do all sorts, and let power get into their heads. I experienced one of such, and I wrote about it here.

"The reason you have not found any fake thirteen naira note is because there are no originals. No one counterfeits what does not exist. You will find fake hundred naira notes, fake one thousand naira notes, but never a fake three hundred naira note. Any counterfeit you see is evidence that the original exists, even in larger quantities than the fake." (Original quote by Atilola Moronfolu).

The reason there are fake men of God is because there are real men of God. The same way the fake men of God are making you consider leaving the church, let that be the same way the real men of God pull you back to being a strong part of the church.

Instead of us to focus on the fake minority, we can choose to be encouraged by the real men of God out there, and there are still a lot of them.

Drop that attitude about going to church to be served. Go to church, and BE THE LIGHT!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Let's have a frank talk about our haters. Shall we?

One of the things you get to learn in those courses where they teach you how to win people over to your side is that, that for every single person, 30% of everyone who knows you will hate you. No matter what you do, whether good or bad, they will hate you. 30% of everyone who knows you will like you. No matter what you do, whether good or bad, they will always like you. 40% of the people who know you will not have any definite feeling about you for some time, and it is this 40% you are supposed to concentrate all your efforts on, in influencing how they feel about you.

If there is anything I hate to hear, it is the term ‘my haters.’ I don’t think anyone should be concerned one bit about people who hate them, so far those people are not trying to kill them. For some people, once someone doesn't like them, then the person is transferred to the 'my haters' category.

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There is no need tweeting, creating DPs, subbing, writing posts, making videos, waxing albums, etc to send a message to your haters, unless you are an attention-seeking rap artist. There is no need spending so much energy trying to think of how to diss your perceived haters. I’m sure they don’t spend so much energy thinking about you. Contrary to what you might think, many times, you are not as important to people as much as you think, especially if you agree that these people don’t like you in the first place.

Someone offends you, you get pissed, and then start ranting up and down about your haters, in which I don’t understand how someone offending another person turns the offender into a hater. You let them dictate your feelings, and live your head rent-free. You give the person the right to determine how you live, talk, or act meanwhile, that person has moved on with his/her life, and has no inkling whatsoever that you are writing, blogging and vlogging about him or her. No one should have that much power over you. No one.

Some people even go as far as fulfilling an ambition such as becoming an engineer instead of being the fashion designer they love to be, or getting married to someone they don’t love, just to shut haters up, and shame them. And when they achieve these goals, and the haters take no notice, then they hate the hater, lol.

The truth is that as a person, everyone cannot like you, it is life. And if you are honest with yourself, it is not everyone you like too, so let’s not make a fuss about this hater thing, and keep ranting on and on about haters.

But seriously, won’t the world be boring if everyone was on your side, everyone likes you, you have no human obstacles or challenges? What kind of world would that be? Haters are a part of life, and they make it more interesting.

So how do you deal with haters, assuming the people you call haters are really haters? Ignore them. Don’t sub them, don't write about them, don’t upload videos about them, don’t even act like they exist. As long as the person is not trying to physically hurt you, leave them alone. Don’t in turn, hate the hater, that makes you a bigger hater. Life is too short for all these hater iranu*. One day, you will die, the hater will die, e don finish. Lobatan, abi. 

Haters come, haters go. Haters will always exist. If you are wise and have work to do, you will suck it up, take it as a part of life, and concentrate on achieving what God has sent you to achieve in this world.

Source

*Iranu - Yoruba  for Nonsense.
e don finish - Pidgin English for It has finished
Lobatan - Yoruba for It has finished.

Monday, February 24, 2014

How Movie Adaptations defrauds its viewers

I am an avid book reader and a movie watcher.  After immersing myself into both worlds, I have come to understand that a movie adaptation has never ever done justice to the book it was adapted from. Not Harry Potter, not Curious Case of Benjamin Button, not Lord of The Rings or The Hobbit, not Silence of the lambs or Hannibal, not any Chronicles of Narnia, not Les Miserables, not any book.

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While reading Les Miserable, and for the first book in the first volume (it is divided into volumes, books and chapters), I was wondering if I had the wrong book, as I had done myself the injustice of watching the movie first, even though I got the book before I got the movie. A whole lot was cut off from the book when it was made into the movie. If you are curious and are interested in getting the complete story, not just 30% of what you think is the story, please, get the book and read. No matter how good the movie had been, it is just not it when compared to the book. All I can say is we were defrauded.

Les Miserables, using it as an example, is literary fiction, not commercial fiction. Commercial fictions are plot driven books, while literary fictions are character driven books. This means if you adapt literary fiction to movies, and you cut what makes the character out, you have cut off about 80% of the book. I understand the fact that Les Miserables is a very voluminous book, and they would not be able to adapt every single part into the movie, but the injustice done in this case was massive. Imagine a bishop who had a whole Book with several chapters dedicated to him in the book having just two scenes in the movie. Marius's grandfather and father nko? Nothing!

Now did the movie script writer do anything bad by cutting important parts out? No. Was the script interesting? Yes. Was it good? Yes.

But the question here is, does it give the viewers the whole picture, does it tell the whole story? The answer is a big No. If you think because you watched a movie adaptation, you know the whole story, you would only be kidding yourself.

Why does Severus Snape hate Harry Potter so much, what is his origin? Why exactly did the bishop cover up for Jean Valjean, what legacy did he leave? All these things are not what you can get from the movies. You have to read the book to know the whole story, eat the real cake and not just get fed on the icing sugar these movie adaptations tend to feed us.

This is not just about Les Miserables, I'm just using it as a case study. This is about all books that have been turned into movies. I haven't read or watched Hunger Games, but I heard it is one of the most poorly adapted movies ever.

So what am I saying here? If you watch or want to watch a movie adaptation, and you love the story line, and you really want to get the whole picture, then please, read the original book. The book is always far more interesting than the movie, anyway, since it always has the whole story.

Don't let yourself get robbed

In other news, when I watched video the stage performance of the Les Miserables cast at the 2013 Oscars, I got goose bumps, and almost cried because I couldn't sing. I am so sad that Gavroche wasn't in the performance. Did you know that Gavroche is Eponine's brother? So, you see why you have to read the books? Anyway, wacth the video

Monday, February 17, 2014

A new kind of scam in Nigeria

I was lying gently on my bed when what looked like recharge card numbers came as a text message on my phone. Since I wasn't expecting such gift from anyone, I decided to call the number that sent me the 'credit' to find out whom God laid on his heart to bless me this Holiday season. I then remembered that I had no credit on my phone, and decided to go out to get credit. As I was going downstairs, a call came on my phone. The caller said one Baba in Ife wanted to send credit to his son in school, and mistakenly sent it to my number. I felt relieved that I didn't have to stress myself to get credit again, and I told the guy I was also wondering why someone will send me credit. I told him I was just about to go and get credit to call the number, and that they should not worry, that I did not load it. They should use the credit.

The guy said he wanted me to text the credit back because the Baba threw the voucher away before he realised his mistake. I told him the message should be in the sent items. The guy said the Baba doesn't really know much about phones, that I should please send it back. Disappointed that I still had to get the credit after all, I proceeded to go and buy it.

About two minutes after I sent the credit, the guy called me back and said the Baba is really grateful, and wants to personally thank me. Then he passed the phone, and I heard one shrill voice that sounded forced.

Source

The guy started thanking me profusely and praying for me, my finances, future, family, husband, and everything you can imagine. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you would know by now that when strange or shocking things happen to me, my immediate reaction is to start smiling, with a sarcastic grin on my face. In the face of grave danger, I have been known to have this look. This was the same look on my face when the Baba was praying. He asked for my name, I told him. He said shebi I live in Lagos, I said yes. He asked where I work, I said I don't work. He kept on praying. It was all those very intense Yoruba prayers. After a while, the prayer was getting too long, and I was becoming tired and suspicious. He now said the reason why he's asking for where I work is so that he can pray for me to excel at work. I said I don't work. I expected him to end the call. He still kept on praying. So I just cut the call on him.

Two weeks later, I was chatting on my BB, which is not my primary phone. Emails and messages came in, but I couldn’t read them because I was still chatting with someone. Next thing, a call comes in and I pick. The guy goes, one Baba in Ife wanted to send credit to his son, but mistakenly… Immediately I heard Baba, Ife, and Credit, I just cut the line. I checked my text message, and behold it was a string of recharge card numbers that I am sure were fake. The guy called again, I cut it again.

About 5 minutes later, the guy called once more. I picked it and said "Look here, look here. Don’t come and be yarning dust for me. You called me two weeks ago, saying this same rubbish, and one Baba was saying fake prayers…”

This time, it was the guy that cut the line.

I just want to warn people out there. This is the new kind of scam going on. If they can call two different lines of mine in a space of two weeks, I wonder how many people they would have reached.

These people are most likely identity thieves, and they use a technique call Social Engineering. All they need is very few basic details about you, and they will get all other information enough to clear you out. It is easy for them to get the vulnerable ones. Unfortunately for them, they met a like mind in me. I have been scheming from my mother’s womb, and I know that if not that God saved me a long time ago, I would most likely be a female fraudster. Where their own ends, that’s where my own starts. Rubbish people.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Four sure-fire ways to stay awake throughout church night vigils

It really breaks my heart to see people go for church vigils, and end up falling asleep. I mean, is it not better to sleep on your bed, than to go church, suffer yourself unnecessarily, and then sleep in church, while your bed remains empty? You don’t get to pray, yet you don’t get to sleep comfortably. Talk about losing both ways.

When you see someone geared up for vigil, and during praise and worship or the first one or two prayer points, that person is bouncing up and down round the hall, shouting on top of his voice, etc., know that this one no go last. In the next 20 minutes, his eyes will begin to expire.

Why is that? It is because there is a skill to staying awake all night during vigils. It has nothing to do with how holy or unholy you are, or how long you slept or didn’t sleep during day. During vigils, it is a different ball game. There always seems to be a demon of sleep prowling around, and I am going to give you strategies to conquer this demon. These strategies work. This is not an OR circuit, it is an AND circuit. It means you must implement all the strategies to get the benefit.

1. Kopiko or any other coffee sweet is your friend. This is very important. You must bring enough kopiko for yourself and the people sitting beside you. When you open the pack, ask your seat neighbours if they want. They will most likely say yes, as people don’t really are very open and down to earth during vigils. Whether they accept or not, at least, they will know you are ready for serious business, and don’t intend to sleep. And if they know what is good for them, they will not sleep too. If your eyes are threatening to close, just slip kopiko into your mouth. If your head or hands are going limp, slip in the kopiko. Any sign the demon is coming near you, slip in the kopiko. The idea is that by the time the vigil is coming to an end, you must be high on kopiko.

2. Come armed. Not with charms or guns to kill the sleep demon. In your bag, pack sweets, water, Fanta, and other sugary drinks. Don’t pack eba or pounded yam o. In any case, the goal is not to consume all these things you came armed with. It is actually the fact that the knowledge that you have something in your bag to keep you awake, will actually keep you awake. Don’t ask me how, but it works. I guess it’s a mind thing. If you feel your eyes getting closed sometimes, you can just take a gulp of water from your ammunition, every 30 minutes.

3. When praying, don’t stand on a spot. Standing on a spot when praying will make you feel relaxed, and let the tiredness descend on you. Before you know it, you will be sleeping and standing at the same time, and people will think you have entered the spiritual realm, not knowing you are in dreamland.

Source
When praying, the tactic is to map a straight line route for yourself, and walk to and fro along that path like a pendulum bob. Don’t rush the walk, or else you will wear yourself out, and don’t walk too slowly too, like you are counting your steps. You are there to pray, not to avoid sleeping. They are two different things.

4. Never sit down. If you didn’t do number 1, 2, and 3, you must do this. This singular point is why people succeed or fail when it comes to sleeping at vigils. The only time you should sit down during vigil is if the pastor is giving a sermon, and by that time, I expect that you are high on kopiko. If you are sitting and standing, you think you are saving your strength, but the truth is that you are giving your knees more work to do, and giving yourself a faster chanced to be tired. Don’t sit down when a scripture to back up a prayer point is being explained. Don’t sit down when a prayer point is being read. Don’t sit down when someone wants to pass in your front. I don’t care if the vigil lasts 3 hours or 6 hours. Whatever you do, never sit down. I know it sounds harsh, but the problems that chased you to vigil in the first place too are also harsh and not smiling, and remember you have your bed to embrace all day, so delay the gratification. If you sit down, you will be tempted to sit for 10 seconds more, and another 10 seconds, and another…. Before you know it, you will deceive yourself into believing you can pray effectively while sitting, and then what happens, BAM! the sleep demon wraps itself round you. What do we have here? Another one bites the dust.

So here are fail-safe ways to keep yourself awake during prayer vigils. That problem that gave you the idea that you should leave your comfortable bed, and go to church all night must die o. You cannot let sleep deny you your breakthrough, lol.

Try all these four pointe, and you will be an expert night vigil-kipper in church. If you are lucky, you will even receive an award for it, by becoming the head of your department in church.

Monday, February 3, 2014

A Stolen Kilishi and a Broken Heart

After ignoring the whole world one day, and spending my whole day making hair products (I shut the world out when I make products, cos it is such a physical and mental activity), I was finally able to settle a bit by 4pm. I saw my brother eating kilishi, so I begged him for small so I could drink garri with it since I had not eaten anything since the previous day.

Source
I carried my part of the kilishi to my room, and then remembered I had no sugar left. I ran out to buy 10 naira sugar, prepared my garri in the kitchen, and went to check the bed rest for my kilishi. Behold, my kilishi had disappeared. I immediately suspected the culprit, but I wanted to give it a benefit of doubt. I searched the whole room and even the kitchen. Behold, no kilishi. It was just my brother and I at home, and I was the only one on that floor, as my brother was in the pent house section. Besides, my brother couldn’t have stolen my kilishi. He was the one who gave me, and he still has his own left. So I knew for sure the rat that had been living with me for the past two months stole my kilishi. I looked at the part where I kept it again, and I saw a crumb of the kilishi there. My suspicions were therefore confirmed.

I had already put water in my garri, sugar and milk before I realized my kilishi had been stolen, so there was no going back. I had to drink my garri without anything. Besides even if the thief returned my kilishi, or I caught it, I could not collect it back from it naa. Abi how can I be dragging food with rat?

Believe it or not, as I was drinking the garri, I was hearing the rat right behind my bed, eating the kilishi. I’m serious. I was drinking plain garri, and the rat was eating the kilishi, and making annoying noise while doing so. It was a heartbreaking situation.

What is the moral of the story, you might say? Actually, a lot. If you must have a roommate, have one you can accuse, beat, talk to, ask for a return, should they ever steal your stuff. The second lesson is that when you have a good thing, the pests around you will notice it, especially if the thing has a great aroma, and they will try to snatch is from you. It is your duty to guard your stuff well, especially when you have bad people (pests) around you, if not, they will steal your stuff, and even parade it in front of you, leaving you with emotional wounds to nurse.

Thirdly, never ever try to endure a parasitic relationship. If the relationship is destructive or draining you, you are the one who does the texting, calling, giving, every thing, the other party just eats and collects, end it before it even has a chance to start. I knew I should have killed that rat since, my mum even told me over and over again to poison the thing, but I chose to endure and hoped it would just go. See what it resulted to. A stolen kilishi and a broken heart.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Using art as a tool against Domestic violence

Thanks to Hem Matsi of Victim 2 Survivors, and some talented artists in Namibia, these artworks and some other ones not in this post have been touring some countries, in a bid to fight Gender-based violence, what we call domestic violence in Nigeria. It all started from the National Art Gallery of Namibia, and from there, people were seeing the pictures, and were requesting for it to be exhibited in their countries.

This exhibition had just been concluded, just before the conference I attended at Geneva, but these gigantic artwork was still hanging on the walls of the UNAIDS building, so I took pictures with my iPad. Trust me, they are more breath-taking in real life. The brain behind the initiative gave me the brochure, and permission to share pics of my choice. She should be in Washington now, exhibiting the artworks. Enjoy them below.

Stand Together Against GBV (1998/99)
by Tity Tshilumba

Young Bride (2013)
by Hem Matsi

Against Men (2013)
by Findano Shikonda

A Mother's Sorrow (2013)
by Findano Shikonda

Dialogue In, Violence Out (1998/99)
by Tity Tshilumba

Set Me Free and Let Me Be (2013)
by Sigi Kolbe

The Beating Goes On (2013)
by Sigi Kolbe

Not Free (2013)
by Hem Matsi

My Bruised Art (2013)
by Jaimee-Lee Eugene Diergaardt

Six spoken word artists in Nigeria, including me, gathered together to shoot a Spoken Word video, to mark the International Day of Violence against women last year. In fact this was the first video UNAIDS saw me in before they requested for my profile and more videos, and thereby culminating in my trip to Geneva, Switzerland. It is called Stop the Violence.

Monday, January 20, 2014

The Anatomy of Awoof (Free things)

"It is very annoying to see women who buy N50,000 Aso Ebi fighting for N100 souvenirs at parties." - Me
The Experience is the largest music concert in Africa, and the largest gospel concert in the world. Every year, they give out thick magazines. In these magazines, the profiles of the musicians are documented, along with pictures of the previous Experience concerts. During the distribution of these magazines, the way people struggle to get this magazine is just a sight to behold. You can imagine crowds in sections struggling for magazines. It is appalling. People push one another, trip over other people, and get into physical fights for this magazine.The irony is that the more people struggle, the more others think what they are giving out is worth more than gold, and the more intense the struggle gets. All for a magazine that would not satisfy for more than 30 minutes.

I went for a friend’s wedding in December 2012. I sat on the same table with the sister-in-law of the groom. During the party, we were talking well, and all. Towards the end of the party, she brought in her souvenirs, and she just pretended like she didn’t know me. she had sacks of plasteramic bowls, and sacks of umbrellas. This girl ignored me, and was giving people bowls and umbrellas, despite the fact that I was just by her side, and she was sharing this souvenirs right in my presence. I was pained. To be honest, I am not greedy. I don’t even go for parties, and really don’t care for souvenirs like that, but it felt pained to be treated like non-existent. After a while, she gave me and my cousin a bowl each, and did not bother giving us umbrella.

The irony of it all was that I had two umbrellas with me in the venue, like I always do. I always have one big umbrella in my car, and a portable umbrella in my bag. It doesn’t matter whether it is rainy season or dry season, or which country I am. I always have an umbrella. I had to ask myself why I felt bad despite the fact that I had two umbrellas, and uncountable number of umbrellas in my mum’s room. I had to tell myself over and over again not to be pissed cos I did not need the umbrella. I was definitely not suffering for poverty of umbrellas. So why had I being pained?

Why do we like free things? Why does everyone like free things? Why is it that hardly anyone is exempt from the love of free things? Do you know that most of the useless junks we have in our house are actually things we obtained for free?

So why do we like free things? Well, it is because it is free. “Duuuh,” you might say. “Of course, we know that is why people like it. Tell us something we don't know.”

You see when you see human beings fight over free things, it is not really the thing they are fighting for. They are fighting for the ‘free’. They are fighting for the fact that they will get something they did not work for, something they did not pay for, something that came so easy, something that came on a platter of gold. This here is the justification behind the statement I started this blog post with.

Many people work daily, buy stuffs to care for themselves, and have to hustle for most things that they want to get. So anything that can come free, they would grab at any opportunity, be it 40 naira indomie at a party, a pen, or even crayon. Even though they can conveniently buy hundreds of these things, they would rather struggle to have one for free.

Source
But you see, nothing is really free. This mentality that some things in life can be gotten for free is what many companies use to attract customers.  They coin you into believing they are giving you a ‘free’ gift, but if you do the analysis well, you are actually paying for it. You think that telecoms company is giving you free credit? Believe me, you have already paid for that free credit the moment you qualified for it.

Girls are psyched into believing they are getting free stuffs from magas, sugar daddies, and aristos, but they end up paying for it in other ways. In parties, you get souvenirs that people fight so much for, but trust me, it is not free. After all, you transported yourself to the event, you spent time sitting at the event. This means that you have spent time and money in being able to get that souvenir that might not even be worth more than 200 naira. Some people also use mentality this to create classes at parties i.e. only a certain class of people would get certain souvenirs, thereby ascribing more value to the souvenir than it is really worth.

The truth is that if we do not deliberately condition our minds, we will all fall for this love of free things that are not really free. If we do not want to join the wolf pack, whenever we find ourselves in such situations, we have to continually tell ourselves that we do not really need the souvenirs or whatever is being peddled for 'free'. If we get it, it is fine. If we don’t, life will go on, and in the next hour, it won’t matter again. The battle is in the mind, and that is where it must be won.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Let's give way for the Man of God

I was rushing to Aloted's super working mum program last Saturday. I was already running late, and I was one of the people selling there, only for me to get to one part of Harvey road, and realise the road could only take one car at at time, because people had double parked on the street.

The first time I got myself into the jam, I and the guy driving in front of me were asked to reverse, so the cars in front of us could pass. We did. After then, we kept driving forward only for us to reach a standstill,

I really did not know what was happening in front, but I suspected it was man-made, and I was so late. I decided to come down from the car, and check what was happening, and I realised it was another dead lock. This time, it was just one car in front of us. The annoying thing was that even if it was just one car, the man refused to reverse. He was expecting us to all reverse for just him. How wise? I looked at him, he was an elderly man, like in his sixties. His face was resolute, and it communicated the statement "I will rather die here than reverse for you guys." So I knew there was no use begging the man.

After thinking of a solution and not being able to come up with one, I talked to the guy in front of me, and asked that if we at the back reverse, would he reverse, and just let the man go? The guy reminded me that we had reversed for some set of people before, and we had to go all the way down. He said what is the probability that if we reverse again, we won't have to reverse a third time. I felt the guy made sense, and for heaven's sake, there was no car at this man's back.

Before I knew it, one lady came from one of the houses on the street, and was like we must reverse. At this point, about two or three people were walking by. I asked her why all of us must be the one to reverse for a single car. She said we must reverse because he is a pastor. Therefore all of us must reverse for him.

People, any time people succeed in shocking me like that, I end up bursting into laughter. The people walking by heard the woman's statement, and one of them looked at me, and we just laughed. I looked at the man again, and behold he has a Bishop's collar on. He was really a pastor. The lady that was talking was one of the church members, and she was just coming out of the church.

I said "So pastors don't reverse." At this point, I was so irritated by her statement, that I determined that we will all sleep here. I went to give my assistant the update. She was like the fact that he is a pastor should be the main reason why he should reverse. This my assistant is one of my teenage students in teens church in my church o. Even she knew that the mentality was not right at all.

Source
Please, am I missing something here. You blocked all oncoming vehicles with your car, and you refused to reverse despite the fact that there is no car at your back. You kept quiet all through, and couldn't be bothered. And your congregation came and said we must all reverse for you because you are a pastor.

If there is something I am missing, please, feel free to set me right. Abeg.


Monday, January 6, 2014

What Nigerian Bloggers should do in 2014

Happy new year to you all. I pray 2014 is a far better year for all of us, not matter how 2013 was. I read 34 books in 2013. If I stuck to my 1 hour reading per day rule, I would have done better. Sometimes, I was too busy, and many times, I was lazy. Hopefully, this year will be better

I am actually writing this post as a result of a comment I gave in the wrap up of the guess the blogger series a month ago, and MsJB's post.

I feel I sound like a broken record any time I say I love Blogsville. I really do. Nigerian Blogsville has turned my life around 360 degrees. My life would not be what it is now if not for it, and that is not an exxageration. Every single business I run now (4 of them) is actually as actally as a result of Blogsville, so it is not like I am just trying to be sentimental here. I am very grateful for everyone I have met here. I was with Cherrywine some nights ago, and she was like all these Blogsville people, even though one has never met them, they are sooo real, a real part of your world.

This is why sometime in the middle of this year, when about 80% of the bloggers were not blogging, I was really bothered. It was like a ripple effect. Some bloggers paused on blogging, and then some, and the some more, and before we knew it, Blogsville was so dry. At first, I just felt people were going through stuffs in their personal life, and blogging just had to take a back seat. What now pained me most was that, when some bloggers finally came after weeks or months to blog, they only blogged about how people were no more blogging, and how Blogsville was not fun, and now dry. And then, they disappeared again.

Let me just confess, I was pissed. How can somebody complain that people are no more blogging and blogsville is dry when they are the number 1 culprits of what they were complaining about. I remember I always commenting that 'if we don't make it fun, who will make it fun for us?' Some people said they were just not blogging cos of the blog trolls that were up and about then, but I said we have to take our community back from them. Abi, where are they now? Gone with the wind! Dem no dey last. 

I know I was blogging all through the season of blog drought, but the truth is that no matter how much I blog,  or how fun and refreshing my posts were, I was just a drop in the ocean. I alone could never make blogsville fun. Mehn, if blogs could haemorrhage, this blog would have bled to death then. So that is why when the Guess the Blogger series idea came to me, I was really excited. I felt it would make people come alive again, and if they come alive, then they can be more motivated to start blogging again. Well, I feel the series made people come alive sha.

Source
So what will we do? In my own opinion, I think let's just try to blog at least once a month in 2014. 12 times a year is not too tasking o, if we really think about it. Let's not leave blogging to the commercial bloggers alone. Abeg people of Blogsville, let's just try. We can do this. You can join MsJB's challenge to make it easier for you to achieve this. Let's make 2014 fun, and let's uplift one another. By God's grace, it will be a good year for us all.

Monday, December 30, 2013

The day I stood before kings

...Continued from last week

Before I delve into how the D-Day went, let me just give you some facts about Geneva.

1. It is the third most expensive city in the world. So, it is definitely not the town to go shopping like you are on Oxford street.
2. Shops close by 6pm everyday, and don't open on Sundays. Apparently, they do this because it is a family-oriented town. I am still trying to correlate this with the fact that prostitution is legal, lol.

Anyway...\
I was presenting on Thursday, and it was just when I was about to sleep on Tuesday, that is got the idea to take my clothes off on stage. I wondered if I would be able to pull it off in such a short time, plus this was a very formal audience. I was happy about the fact that the taking cloths off concept came to me because

1. It distracted me from the fact that I was slower than usual
2. It distracted the listeners from the fact that I was fast for them (I hope so).
3. I just felt the extra efizzy would be good for my spoken word career, lol.
4. It was good for those people who did not speak English.

At the instant I was performing, the piece was being translated to different languages. So if you don't understand it, all you need us to fix your earphones, and switch to the channel of your language. I just felt they wouldn't enjoy the punch lines, alliterations, and word plays, and all those poetic jargon, after being translated. So the extra drama was a form of compensation for them.

These is the mic, earphones and channels they use to switch between languages. Nigeria, what's the way forward o?



As looked around the room that morning, many things dawned on me about the crowd

1. 99% of them were not the colour of my skin
2. They were far older than me, and the crowd I normally stood in front of
3. They did not belong to the class I belonged to, they were political.
they did not understand poetic jargon like alliterations, punchlines, imagery, word plays and those words
4. They did not speak the way I do
5. THEY WERE DIFFERENT

The thing is, it is very easy to woo a familiar crowd, tickle their ears and give them what they want to hear. But in this case, you cannot really tell what would impress this crowd, or what they want to hear, because they we well, different. So I prayed... I prayed hard. There was no need coming all the way from Nigeria, and crashing my career on a global scale. I could have easily done that in Nigeria.  God, please, help me.

And help me, God did. Let's just say I almost ran out of complimentary cards by the time I was done. This group of people that hardly clap were almost forced to stop clapping. The lady in charge who used me as experiment was impressed, and Michel Sidibe, the head of UNAIDS was tripped. What more could I ask for?


Empty seats waiting to be filled with listeners who
would later listen to me

My game face on. Lol

Michel Sidibe (the brain behind UNAID),
and a teenage girl born with HIV

Famzing with the people in high places

Beautiful Fatima. She was married off at the age of 14,
and infected by her husband









And the covering came off completely



The youth delegates who anchored the last session. If you take out the two people on the extreme left, the 4 people on the extreme right, and Michel Sidibe in the middle, 98% of the people in this picture are either HIV positive, openly gay, or both
All the performance pictures are courtesy of Olivier Borgognon of 320 studio, Geneva.

So who can tell how many pieces of clothings I had on the ground by the time I was done with the performance?

Out of all the youth delegates that were present, it was just me and one other girl that was quite neutral. It was either they were gay, HIV positive, or both. And let me quickly mention that I just found out that the new political word for gay men in MSM. Don't think too far, it means Men who have Sex with Men.

Ehm, Toinlicious and Sykik. That is my hair with 60% shrinkage o. i.e, you can only see 40% of the length.

If you want to know how the clothes began coming off, watch this video below. And please, pay attention to the message. Feedback highly needed. Thanks

Monday, December 23, 2013

My journey to Geneva, as a Spoken Word Artist

So I had the rare opportunity of sitting in the same room with the united nation delegates all over the world in Geneva. Small girl like me, lol. No be God? Not only did I sit in the same room with these power changers, they actually sat to listen to me. When I got the memo that I had been selected to perform in front of these people, I was in shock for one whole week. I didn't tell anyone, lest the opportunity got jinxed.

By the time I started the preparations for my trip, I was too bugged done with stress to remain in awe. By the time I got there, some people kept introducing me to different top officials as the person who would open the conference on the last day. Let's just say, by the time my day came, the momentum had already built up, and everyone was eagerly anticipating what I would do, but I refused to allow this pressure to overwhelm me.

It did not help matters that I was sort of an experiment. I was brought in to do something that had never ever been done before. So they kept telling me they were really counting on me to change the whole dynamics of the meeting. Still, I didn't let the pressure get me.

I met different people all over the world including, HIV positive people, openly gay people, the high and mighty, people that actually change and influence world policies, AKA the United Nations Delegates.

It was a 3-day conference. On the first two days, the UN delegates took the front seat, while my generation sat behind them. On the last day, the older delegates were seated at the back, while we took the forefront. Everyone expected the last day to be more interesting, and I was the person to do this.

Here are points that were constantly drummed into my ears

1. Try not be too fast. Slow down for them. You have to be cautious of your speed, so everyone would hear you.
2. We are counting on you to shock the audience, by doing something different
3. We are counting you to wake the sleeping audience.

So what happened on the D-Day? I will share that story next week. In the mean time, enjoy some of the pictures. I took loads, but I could just share few.


That place is a freaking freezer. Froze my smile



Did I mention that that place is a freaking freezer?
See how the fog descended

In front of the WHO Head Office in Geneva
A cross section of the conference room we used.
It is actually bigger than this, but I can only capture
one side at a time

My iPad did not do justice to the beautiful
view from the ceiling

Another view



We were prepping for our D-Day



I was being prepped for the dry run of my presentation
the night before

Dry run. As dressed as I am, I was the most scantily dressed.



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