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A completely honest post: The downside of marriage and motherhood

I interviewed some very smart young ladies over the phone this past weekend. I asked them for feedback over the shortcomings they have noticed on my business page. While their answers were very revealing to me, what struck me was the fact that majority of the trends in my life that I am currently not satisfied with was largely due to my fault.

I have been complaining of less productivity, declining results, etc. But as I traced the timeline in my head, I realised that this negative trend started when I got married, and later started growing my family. It is not that I became lazier or laid back, but I completely ditched some important aspects of my business, and outsourced what I couldn't ditch to people. Outsourcing is not bad, but I didn't occasionally supervise the outsourced areas. And I also realised that the parts I ditched should never have been ditched in the first place, at least, not for so long. This is because this is actually the engine that ran the entire business, something I was completely oblivious of.

Ever since I got married and started building a family, my creativity has been on the decline. Sometimes, I look at old articles and quotes, and ask "was I really the one who wrote these things? Where is my former brain?" It's like since I left my parents' house, my brain has shut down. After I had my son in 2017, I have been under constant pressure (self-imposed), I hardly smile, I can't remember when last I genuinely laughed, my level of productivity has declined, taking my income along with it. I like to think that I've been able to balance motherhood, marriage, and business, but if I am not producing as much result as I used to, then the balance is just an illusion. The truth is I haven't yet found a rhythm that works for me, like I had in my single days. It's like the world is moving forward, while I am receding

Please, if anyone reading this has gone through, or is going through what I am currently going through, let me know in the comment section. If you are already out of it, how were you able to free your mind from being held back.

P.S: I am talking about lack of, or decline in productivity and results, as a result of change in marital status or motherhood, not marital pressure in itself

Death gives no hoot about your plans!

On Friday Morning, as I was just about stepping out of the our for my daily business, I got a call from my brother that my maternal grandmother had just passed. Honestly, I was shocked, and this caused me to scream and then start crying loudly. She was my last surviving relative, and she raised me for the first two years of my existence on earth.

I was quite close to her, but I recently started withdrawing from her, because I just couldn't handle her deteriorating state well. At the age of 81 going on 82, we had to forcefully move her from her house to my house (the one I lived with my original nuclear family) so she could be well looked after.

She died at 84 going on 85, with her mind very intact, but her body getting weaker by the day. I didn't go to the house this year to see her. The last time I went to the house was December 30th, for our annual party. I went to her room, greeted her, hugged her, and left after about 5 minutes. I promised to see her again before leaving, but I didn't. This is not a note of regret, but a statement of the facts. Before this, I have never dealt with gradual loss. Every other close loss I've suffered were sudden. If you have been following this blog for a while, you will know my dad was shot and killed by armed robbers at 47, and my cousin was hit by a driver who was texting while driving, while cousin was changing his tire.

Dear Pastor's Wife, It takes both parties to make marriage work



Last week, I saw a flyer on Instagram, where a pastor's wife was calling for women to pray and fast for their husbands for 31 days (all through the month of March). I did not like the feeling the flyer generated in me.

I wanted to like the idea and the thought for calling for a prayer watch, but I did not, and I didn't like that I didn't like the idea... at all. Imagine if everyone is good, and you want to be good also, but you keep being bad, and you don't like the fact that you are bad. You know you should be good, but there's something about this 'good' that doesn't sit well with you... that's exactly how I felt.

I feel every woman should pray for her husband, because under normal circumstances, if it is well for your husband, it would be well for you too. They should also pray for their children. It is normal for most religious women to pray for their entire households, because there's something about a woman's heart that is always drawn towards her home, and its well-being. And for Christian women who are not very prayerful, but desire to be, or ones just struggling with their prayer lives, which is quite common, this special call for 'prayers for husbands' would most likely encourage them to catch the prayer train.

However, the question is... where are the men? Are they praying for their wives?

Elections 2019: My voting experience - The Good, The Sad, and The Lessons

My marked thumb to indicate I had voted


Hello everyone, how was your weekend? How did the elections go in your area? Did you vote?

My area was very peaceful. Yes, there were loads of people, but that was the only unpleasant part. As we proceeded to our polling unit, it struck me how people were having different experiences trying to cas their votes at their polling units. At mine, we had tents, chairs, people taking and calling numbers and names with megaphones, all in an orderly manner. The estate's management and resident volunteers went through great lengths to make sure that the whole thing was conducted well. A former classmate of mine said this was also the case in his estate, only that their estate shared packs of rice and smoothies to all voters. All INEC officials were just doing in my estate was accreditation, and handling of ballot papers. They arrived late though (around 10.30am when some voters had been there since 6.00am).

My experience was the complete opposite of some other people's. Some got to their polling units at 11am, and both INEC officials and residents were confused as to what to do to organise themselves. After sometime, it would occur to someone to take numbers, and eventually, they would find their way through the chaos, and eventually vote. I even saw a video where some ballot boxes and papers were scattered on thr ground, and burnt, but I cannot ascertain the authenticity of the video, when it comes to date, time, and location, though it was rumoured to be on Saturday at Okota.

Seeing these contrasts, I came to a conclusion that an environment is basically shaped by the kinds of people in that environment. It is no wonder some parents will pull an arm and a tooth to make sure their children are raised in specific types of neighbourhoods, even though it is not very convenient for them.

Your Passion is BULLCRAP if...


Hello beautiful people, how are we doing? If you are in Nigeria, I hope you have recovered from last week’s heartbreak. No, I am not talking about Valentine ’s Day, lol. I’m talking about the elections that were supposed to hold on Saturday, February 16th. My heart goes out especially everyone who made unimaginable sacrifices to make sure they could vote last Saturday, such as travelling across the country, shutting down businesses, sleeping in terrible environments, travelling in from outside Nigeria, etc. Please, don’t give up or get tired. We will prevail in the end.

I belong to a WhatsApp group of my former classmates in University. For some time now, nothing serious or life-changing happens on that group. The only thing worthy of note on that group is that one lady terrorises us with political broadcasts, mainly highlighting her anti-Buhari sentiments, and how bad the country is. It is really annoying because the group consists of all kinds of people with different political leanings, but this lady doesn’t display social media etiquette, so I guess it doesn’t matter to her.  Most of her broadcasts are ignored by everyone on this group, but I can guess people are always inwardly rolling their eyes when she posts. As for me, I just wished she would know better and stop. 99% of what she forwards can’t be verified, and are inflammatory.

This morning, this lady put up an online voting poll where people where voting for their preferred candidates, indicating that Buhari was going to lose, and Atiku would win overwhelmingly. A friend of mine replied her saying, social media polls can’t be taken with a pinch of salt because most people on social media don’t have PVCs, and many of the voting population are on the streets, not on social media.

Imagine my shock when she responded saying, even she doesn’t have a PVC.

Let's get real: Why you should or shouldn't keep your maiden name

In last week's blog post, I mentioned the controversy generated by my instastory about women having to take their husbands' surname upon marriage. What Chimamanda was saying was that a woman should have a choice to keep her maiden name or take her husband's surname.

What I mentioned in my instastory was that many people talking about why a woman must take her husband's surname do not even have an idea about where this tradition came from. Since this is a blog post, I will just write a comprehensive opinion here.

Firstly, anyone who knows me knows I didn't take my husband's surname after marriage. As of now, I still bear my maiden name. I don't know about tomorrow, things might change, but I strongly doubt that they would. When I got married, most people started asking for my new surname, so they could "properly" address me. And when I told them I don't have one, I got varied reactions from "Why???" "How could you?" "You just want to be a rebel." Not in those exact words, but along those lines. But one thing every single person who raised an eyebrow couldn't tell me was why I HAD to change my surname. They didn't even understand the culture behind it

Is it for religious reasons? Pardon my ignorance, but I am not currently aware of any religion that says a woman must take her husband's surname upon marriage.

Shoes that don't fit, the Miracles of Spinning, Wasting our Votes, et al

Hello beautiful people. How are we all doing? 2019 is going well, so far so good. We thank God. Been hitting our goals bit by bit.

I feel like doing one of those random thought interesting posts today.

Last weekend, I read Chimamanda's book, Dear Ijeawele. I agreed with most of the points raised in the book, and wrote my thoughts on some of them in my Instastory (yeah, I'm trying to up my game on IG. I hope I don't get tired of it again.) While most people agreed with me, some, namely two guys disagreed with me on the issue of women having to take their husbands' surnames after marriage. I'm sure more than two guys disagreed, but only two communicated their diagreement with me via DM. I will write more about this in my next blog post. Make sure to look out for it, as it will be a very interesting and enlightening one. And you can already tell that I won't be joining the bandwagon here. After all, we are Rebelling Against Culture. Have you read this Chimamanda's book?


What's with toddlers' obsession with adult shoes? My son has been wearing his dad's shoes of late, and he's so enthralled with it. It is interesting how we want to fit into bigger shoes, but we really cannot handle bigger responsibilities. If you have child(ren), please let us know in the comment section if they were ever obesessed with wearing adult shoes.

I attended spinning classes in my gym last Friday, for the first time ever. Gosh, it was one of the hardest things I ever did. I mean, I look at my wrist watch, it is 9.55am, twenty minutes later, I look at it, it is still 9.55am.

A Tale of two Husbands



Sometime last year, I wrote about distorted feminism and its danger, all of which I still stand by. You can read the post here, if you missed it

I have noticed that some women get very angry and insulting when they hear strong successful married women say something like “I thank my husband for allowing me follow my dreams, achieving my purpose, etc...”. These women get very bitter and blame these successful married women for painting a picture that for you to be successful and married, you must be submissive and subservient to the point where your husband must “allow” you.

As a strong and strong-willed woman who has been on both sides of the divide myself, I understand both parties but I see the lack of understanding in the path of the people who are getting raving mad and bitter about these statements

First, let’s get something straight. Marriage is not compulsory. Your married or single status should your choice but if you get married, some realities will hit you wherever you are in the world, no matter your religious inclinations, whether you are a strong and ambitious woman, beautiful full time housewife, or a lazy couch potato with servants at your beck and call. Marriage will slap you with its own bittersweet realities, and let you understand that the union is not about one party

The person you marry can ruin your destiny for life to the extent where it would be hard for you to recover easily, or can build you up to the point of unimaginable success. Marriage is a yoke, and if you are yoked to a dead weight, it’s only a matter of time before you start decaying yourself and you will produce nothing but maggots.

In many cases, it is not like these husbands set out to pull their wives down or to build them up, but their lack of availability of support is major determinant here. It’s ultimately what will determine whether a married woman smoothly achieved her goal or not.

A practical case is that of two women, married for 8 years with 3 young children with the last child under two, at the height of their career or business. They are at a very demanding phase of their lives where they have to constantly move within and outside the country.

Now imagine woman A, with a husband who is stable, present and supportive. He understands that the phase woman A is currently is temporary, and is always filling in the gap for her. Even when her second child took ill in her absence, he bridged the gap and didn’t alarm her with the seriousness of the situation because she had to concentrate on a life changing presentation she was preparing for

Then imagine Woman B, same situation as Woman A but while her husband has not really determined in heart to ruin her or bring her down, he’s insecure and threatened by her rise so he doesn’t lift a finger to help or support. When she want to travel, she has to beg her mum (who is slowly getting tired of these requests) to take in her three energetic kids because her husband is no-go area, and that’s after she has made sure that his food for the next one week is well-arranged and properly-labelled in the freezer so he can just insert them into the microwave and eat. And when her own child took ill in her absence, she had to fly back home immediately to sort it out because her mother can’t handle the running around in addition to her arthritis and the other grandchildren. Because of this, she couldn’t prepare well for her life changing presentation, did a sloppy job lost an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

While woman A is soaring high, woman B is constantly wondering if all the hassle is worth it. She’s constantly choosing between her kids and her career, and failing at both, while her husband watches on, and carries on with his life as usual. After a while, woman B takes a less demanding career, not necessarily with lesser pay but with lesser demands and not really challenging or fuelling her ambition, but at least, now she’s more present at home with the kids.

Woman A continues to rise, while woman B declines. Now these two women are friends and follow each other’s stories. Twenty years later, woman A clearly sees the difference between their lives, understands that a major determinant for this difference was not lack of intelligence or opportunities, but the husbands they married. She publicly thanks her husband for his support and “allowing her be the woman she always wanted to be” and every distorted feminist goes raving mad. They don’t understand that it’s not like she’s telling you that for you to be successful, you need your husband’s permission, but the fact is that your husband’s actions or inactions makes a difference. All he needs to do is withdraw the hand of support, and everything comes tumbling down. That’s why it’s a YOKE.

We might argue that woman B should have left her husband since he wasn’t supporting her, but the truth is that it wouldn’t have made her situation better. She would still have been running around to have it all together.

So let’s not be quick to batter these women who are strong and successful, and “thanking their husbands”. There’s so much behind the scenes that we don’t understand. The truth is that a woman’s mind is always wired towards the home, so if her home isn’t right, her mind will not be settled in other areas, even if she appears successful on the outside

When these women say their best decision is that they married the right men, and they believe every young woman now should be very intentional in the decision of who they choose to marry, please take their words for it. Honestly, twitter activism is very far from reality.

I will really love to hear what you have to say about this. If you have your or other people’s experiences to share, please enlighten us. Also feel free to add to or disagree with any point in this post.