My Baffling Instagram Relationship

So I've been on Instagram for about a month, and I'm not sure how to describe my feeling about it. My refusal to join for a very long time was as a result of so many things including the fact that I hardly take pictures and its promotion and encouragement of narcissism.

Sometime last month, I just had this inexplicably urge to open an Instagram account even though I had absolutely no idea of what I would post on it. I informed Berry about the urge, and she basically asked me to just go ahead and open it.

So I opened the account and posted a flyer of one of my speaking engagements at oriental hotel. I followed some friends on Facebook and before I could say jack, got some decades of followers.

Right from them, I have observed some things about Instagram, and this is what I plan to share.

Instagram is too expensive to maintain, like a greedy mistress. It embezzles all my data without a care in the world. So after a week of being on it, I began to blame myself for getting on it in the first place.

Selfies and posies get the best likes. For every like you get on a quote picture, you can get 20 likes for selfie, posie picture or pouting pictures. So if you are more concerned about likes, go the route of narcissism. This was an issue for me because of course, I don't take pictures. So I have decided to accept that I won't have many likes. It is fine.

The only pictures I actually go out of my way to take are pictures of my food. I am a bit adventurous with food, but I'm not a foodie, if you get what I mean. I am an extreme healthy food enthusiast, and I like to make cheap food with whatever is readily available, yet not be boring. I therefore take pictures to keep records. I have loads and loads of pictures of my food. So once in a while, I post pictures of these on Instagram, letting people know they can have cheap healthy food right in their houses. These pictures also get more likes than the quotes.

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When it occurred to me that I will have to find something worthwhile to do with my Instagram account since I'm not a posie, and not exactly a foodie, I decided that it was best to put out my own intellectual property, in form of pictures. So I started making my pictures right from the scratch, using excerpts of my spoken word performance. This for me is the most genius thing I have ever done with the IG account, because I believe they are actually spoken word lines that jump at the reader and they have a strong message. Unfortunately, these get the least likes.

I was baffled at first. I thought it was something I was doing wrong. It was later I realised it was just the way it was. People would rather like a selfie than a quote. Most people don't go on Instagram to read, they just want to see another picture of a pretty face. Anyway I have decided to just be myself and keep posting my excerpts. If I do anything else, I'm sure I will shut the account down in less than 24 hours.

As for me, what kind of pictures do I like on Instagram? Since, I am more about content, I like pictures that have a clear message. Be it a quote, food, selfie, posie, once it has a clear message, I'm game. So I'm the kind of person who will like a picture with someone dancing with one leg over his head than with him just posing for the camera, because he is sending me a clear message that he is crazy and carefree.

Basically, if it speaks to me, I like it. If it's just another picture in the world of pictures, I will pass.

So here's what I learnt from Instagram. I will rather be myself than gun for likes. Narcissism is like greed. It can never be fed full. The more you get, the more you will want. It is best not to even go down that road. It's not cool to be that person who would take a million selfies just to gain approval on Instagram, but if it’s your cup of tea, be my guest.

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In the meantime, I will keep doing what suits me, whether I get likes or not, and that is to picturise my excerpts.

So after all said and done, please follow me on Instagram by clicking here or searching hattylolla001, and you will see pictures like the one below. Please let me know what you think about my pictures below.

Have you visited my Hair Clinic?

Okay, so you didn’t know?

... that I have a hair clinic... Or did you?

Did you know I am a certified and board-accredited trichology practitioner? Did you know that I have a hair clinic called African Naturalistas Hair Consult?

I am glad to inform you that help is finally here in Nigeria for all your hair and scalp diseases and disorders.

Aren’t you tired of asking people for solution to your disorders, but they cluelessly recommend a mixture of castor and coconut oil without even any adequate assessment or diagnosis as to determine whether the disorder is fungal, hormonal, mechanical or more?

Over the years, we realised that some men, women and children are too embarrassed to seek help for their hair and scalp disorders, and would rather hide it under a wig because they feel too ashamed or that no one would understand. You need to understand that whatever problem you are having, your case is not an isolated one.

At African Naturalistas Hair Consult, we diagnose and treat or manage over 50 hair and scalp disorders including

• all forms of alopecia
• chronic dandruff
• scalp psoriasis
• diffuse thinning
• telogen effluvium
• seborrhea and seborrheic dermatitis
• trichotillomania
• and so much more than we can name.

With our expertise in trichology, we work closely with our clients, putting their needs and comfort first, ensuring that your goal to having a healthy hair and scalp is a reality.

Even if you don't have any scalp or hair shaft disorder, high chances are that you know one or two people who do. Tell them about us today

Our services include

In depth scientific consultation which is tailored to get the history of the client in relation to the hair and scalp disorders. We would assist in identifying the problems, cause and necessary corrections and recommendations. This in-depth trichology consultation is extremely important for clients experiencing hair loss, scalp discomfort, thinning, etc

High frequency treatment which is a treatment without side effects, and can be done for any length or period of time. We make use of the glass rake to emit light, heat, energy and ozone and apply to the scalp. High frequency machine is used in treating dandruff, hair thinning, and baldness.

For more information or booking enquiries, call 07061141501 or send an email to hairconsult@africanaturalistas.com or watch the short video from me, below.



So that’s the drill. You guys should patronise or tell people who need my services to patronise me o. If you don’t ehn, I will come cap I hands, asking you for financial contribution, in order to recoup all the money I spent going back to school at my old age to become a trichology practitioner.

I never thought I'd be one of them

Do you remember when you were younger, and you asked some people if you could offer them a particular food to eat, and they go “No, thank you. I don’t eat eggs.” And then you are trying to mask your irritation saying “You don’t eat egg? Who doesn’t eat eggs?”

Because they are not discerning enough, they go further to increase your annoyance by saying “Yes o. I am very picky with food. I don’t even eat yam, I don’t eat eba. I can only eat fish when it is fried. If I see onions swimming in any stew, I cannot eat it. I can’t eat chicken or turkey skin. I don’t eat okra or anything that draws. My bread must be sliced, and the crust must be removed. My rice must be green. A certain type of water must be used to cook my food. I’m picky about veggies. I don't eat tomatoes. I don't eat solids. I don't take liquids. I don't take pastes. In fact, a certain body part of mine must be used to cook the food or else, I cannot eat it…” bla bla bla, and some other boring blaaaa.

At this point you just want to stone your friend, and ask “So what do you eat then?”

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If you were one of these kinds of people, now is the time to say “Ouch!”

I could never understand them. They just seemed like spoilt people whose parents allowed to have their way. The amount of slaps my mum dished me would never allow me to say “mummy, I don’t like onions swimming in my stew.” By the time she is done with you, you will have a new definition for 'swimming', by the time stars start swimming in your eyes. In my house, any food that is cooked is what you eat. Whether you like it or not doesn’t fit into the equation.

And so, I learnt to eat everything given to me, i.e. except beans of course. I forced myself to eat beans until after I left boarding house after junior school, and I just gave up on the thing entirely. We could never be friends, except it came disguised as ewa aganyin. Now, I don’t even touch the thing at all.

Now, I am forced to cover my eyes in shame. And why?

I am now part of the league of the ‘spoilt children picky food eaters.’

My case is even worse. I actually don’t eat some food again, not because I don’t like them, but because I cannot afford to have them in my body. As I grow older, the number of food I can eat is gradually decreasing.

1. Dairy. Right from the time I started hearing the word lactose intolerant, I always suspected that I was a member of the elite but unfortunate group of people because I knew my digestive system was always messed up after I take milk. Also since I have rumination syndrome, ruminating milk was just a terrible ordeal. Another thing was that milk made me sleep because I always became whenever I drank milk as a teenager or young adult. It made me useless in university lectures, so I never took it on week days. Anyway, I kept taking milk till three years ago when I had to tell myself the truth that I was lactose intolerant. The major breaking was when I started becoming allergic to milk. It basically destroyed my face, upper arms and chest. It started spiking my sebum production and clogged every cloggable pore in those areas. I still have the scars to show for it till today. It was then I stopped it completely, and few years later, started with soya milk, which is absolutely nothing like milk. Let me quickly mention that I did not take breast milk as a baby. I always threw it up, and it made me terribly sick. I did not take baby food for a long time, and started feeding on very soft amala at about 3-5 months. That’s what my mummy told me o. No wonder I’m the only short member of my family.

2. Apples. Along with so many other food, apples make me bloat.  Nothing much to be said here. I basically go from a flat-bellied Halle berry to an aristo-bellied Alao Akala in a space of hours if I consume just one apple. The quote ‘an apple a day drives the doctor away’ is the opposite for me.

3. Cabbages. See the point for apple above.

4. Beans. See the point for apple above.

5.  Groundnut and Egusi: I actually stopped this as  teenager. I can always predict the effect of one groundnut seed on my face. There are some sins I can’t commit, because the consequence will be there for everyone to witness, and one of those sins is eating groundnut and any soup that has egusi in it. Acne and pimples don’t even waste time to let me know who the master is.

7. Mango. Yeah. I know this is hard to think about. But mango also gives me acne. I don’t know if it is the type of sugar in it that spikes my sebum, or the very unique oil contained in the juice, but what I know is this… mango gives me acne!!! It does the same to my maternal aunt too, and apparently some other people I discovered online.

8. Fried plantain. This is actually a very painful one for me, because one of my best food is actually fried plantain. I had to sacrifice it for boiled plantain when I let go of fried food because of my very oily face. The irony of it was that the oil my face was producing was enough to fry another set of plantain under the sun. Till today, if I walk under the sun for 5 minutes, my face is not something you want to touch. Also, my digestion is not something I want to play with. Stopping fried plantain is one of the most painful breakups I have had to go through, but the God who mends broken hearts is still alive, so I am healing.

9. Fried foods, eating out, pizza, floury products, junk food, etc, etc. I guess this explains itself. I am a healthy food enthusiast.

In conclusion, I eat separately from my whole family. Because of my very unique digestive system, and small stomach which is getting smaller by the day, I eat a high-fibre diet. I can hardly eat two complete meals in a day, so I try to make sure my food is highly nutritious so I don't become malnourished. If I try to ignore my digestive needs, and go with the whole world, I end up in serious trouble.

A quick gist. A guy who knew about my digestive system, and the fact that I am allergic to dairy came to pick me on my birthday. In the middle of the journey, I asked where we were going, he said cold stone to have pizza and ice cream. I was pissed because I knew that he really loves cold stone, and I knew the trip was more about him than me. Let’s just say I hardly said a word to him throughout that day. I ended up roaming around Ikeja City Mall, looking for proper food that had vegetable in it, but never found. By the time he dropped my home at night, I was unhappy, hungry, and my stomach was swollen and filled up with gas, so I couldn’t even eat. Anytime I remember the whole thing, I always wished I could stone him with a stone that is really cold. There goes your cold stone.

Now, I eat the food listed above on rare occasions, but it is once in an extremely blue moon, as in the moon must be very blue.

I never knew I would be one of them, but now, if you ask me I will say “My name is Atilola. I don’t take dairy, I don’t eat fried food, junk food, apples, cabbages, mango, beans, groundnut, egusi, etc. bla bla bla and some other boring blaaaa.”

The Devil's Agenda for the Church

So I wrote this Spoken Word piece almost two years ago, and I felt it was really strong and powerful, but I didn't get the inner peace in my mind to go on performing this piece. I know that if one is going to assume the mouth piece of the devil, and go ahead to expose his plans on stage to the whole world, then one should be ready for some serious warfare. Because of some thing that happened to me in the period of two years before I wrote this, I wasn't sure I was ready to take on another vicious warfare. I also felt God asking me to "chill on this one." So I dumped the piece aside, and never rehearsed it. I saw it few days ago, and I felt at least if I can't present it on stage yet, I can publish it for the whole world to see. So here it is... in the devil's own words, not mine.

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I am gonna silence the church
Making the bible-thumping Christians go hush hush
Hush- there’s a hatred grenade flying over there
Hush- you risk losing your charisma if you spread the gospel over there

I am gonna empty
The church till it loses its majority
Due to the sins of minority
Till the once fatted calf becomes so emaciated and hungry that it begins to lose its voice
And if it dares utter a sound, it will be taken as nothing but loud noise
Then the unbelievers will go “hush hush…
You talk too much”
Yes, I am gonna silence the church

I am going to divide them, using trivial issues and frivolous arguments
Such as that of prosperity and private jets
Such that they will be too blind to notice
When I enter boldly into their presence with dexterity

I’ll forcefully twist their heads
Shift their focus
Make them forget about his miracles, yet concentrate on hocus pocus
Abracadabra- it is raining money in this church
Abracadabra- there’s a children’s factory on that pilgrim hill
Abracadabra – cars are being shared in that temple
Abracadabra- healing is the order of the day in that cathedra
Cos it’s not only in harry potter books I use my avada kedavra

No. my avada kedavra will shift their orientation
Change their disposition
Make them the focus of their own attention
And distract them so much that the dizziness
from the speed of which I’ll do it will be mistaken for busyness
and the fruit of it will be greeted with righteous jubilation
such that they would begin to neglect the soul’s salvation
the very essence
of the Christian’s existence
in this present dispensation
yes, I am going to silence the church

I am going to dispense…
offence
In the hearts of many, and the tool I will use is the pretence
Of the ones who were supposed to present
A shield of defence
And build a wall of fence
Around the vulnerable ones who came into the presence
Of God to bask in its holy ambience

Like osmosis, I won’t be loud or obvious
As I let the juiccccccceeeeeee
Of gossip and backbiting
Find its way into the nooks and crannies of the body

For the singular body
As the rejection of her church brethren
Messes up with her mind
Toils with the sermons and messages that had been planted in her heart
Becomes bitterness and hatred within her
And all these become a heavy load too weighty for her
To carry
till her…
Spine begins to curve as a result of the burden
She is carrying
And poof!
She is back to the very point
Where she came from
Another victory for me
If only they could see
How I used them to play the Pharisee

For the corporate body
As I begin to cause a crack here
A break there
As the osmotic juice
Of my offence does its work till it finds itself at the deepest root
Causing it to suddenly pop! And explode like a grenade
So loud that unbelievers outside begin to wonder the cause of this charade
Making the believers look like clowns similar to the ones at a carnival’s parade
Thereby rendering them powerless
Clueless
And useless
Till they become like salt so tasteless

Then when my osmosis has taken its full effect
I’m going to make use of diffusion
To disseminate the poisonous gas of lies and deceit
using the ones who became disjointed from the body
Due to the offence
They experienced
From the hands of the ones who were supposed to be their father’s physical evidence

Then I’m going to take their case
To the presence of their father
And ask ‘are these
The people for whom you died on the cross
See how they make a mockery of your blood
Cos they’ll rather feed themselves than care about souls lost

And then I’ll pray
Pray in my own name
That unlike the case of job,
This time, their father would just give up on them
So I can have the liberty to crush them

I’m going to Cause Chaos to Cruise the Coast of the Christians’ Cathedral
Such that they begin to incur the Curse that the Cross of Christ Crossed off over 2000 years ago

I’m going to make them concentrate on charisma rather than character
Such that the concentration of their anointing reminds me of excessively diluted tasty time juice in the hand of a broke boarding house student

By this time, I’d have bound their wrists
Clip their fingers
Shackled their feet
Sealed their lips
Gorged their eyes
Plugged their ears
That they’ll look so beautiful
Yet remain like powerless statues
Till they become mere tourist attractions like Egyptian mummies

They’ll be so lukewarm
And would have become as bland as an over-chewed gum
That even their father would have to spew them
Cos after all, even he if denies me, he can’t deny the words in his literary emblem
Since he had already warned them

So I am going to silence the church
And of my many plans, I have told you a bit much
The question is…
will you be defiant and continue trying to spread the gospel of your father’s salvation
Or assist me in my unrelenting mission

By Atilola Moronfolu

Parental Consent turns Deadly

First of all, let me say Happy New Month to you all. I pray June will be a far better month for you than May was. Can I hear an Amen?

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I once knew someone who like many people, was not allowed to get married to who he wanted to marry. Now, if you are a Nigerian, you basically know that this is not a new thing, as parental approval is a big deal here.

I asked him why, he said his mum said this girl is not God’s will for him, bla bla bla. His mum goes to CAC (Christ Apostolic Church), and according to him, after some of them prayed, their spirit just didn’t agree with the girl. That was the only reason he gave me.

About three years later, this guy’s sister in law told me that the full reason was that after ‘praying and checking’, it was revealed to them that this girl didn’t have long life in her destiny.

Now here is the thing, by the time the SIL gave me this aspect of the story, the girlfriend in question was already dead! 

She had died about two years earlier after falling ill for some time, and I remember that my friend was devastated, although he did not tell me his family has ‘seen’ that this girl didn’t have long life. I honestly don’t think they told my friend about the long life part until the girl died much later.

So my friend goes ahead with his life, started dating someone he had met a long time ago, proposed to her. The girl later broke the engagement and returned to her ex, in turn breaking my friend’s heart. He picks himself back up after some period of serious bitterness, and was ready to move on again.

And then, one day, my friend was on the road taking something from the back of his car, when an absent-minded driver who was looking at his phone while driving on high speed hits my friend against the boot of the car, killing my friend instantly. My friend was 30 when he died, and his dead girlfriend must have been about 26 when she died.

Now this is what gets me anytime I remember the whole story.

When they were ‘checking the destiny’ of another man’s daughter to see if she was suitable enough for their son, did they ‘check the destiny’ of their own son to see if he was good enough? How come they were spiritual enough to sense that the girl was going to die soon, yet not sensitive enough to know anything about the guy’s short life? If their son had gone ahead to marry his second girlfriend, assuming she had not called off the engagement, and he had died, how would his parents have felt, knowing that the grief they didn’t want their son to go through because of another girl’s impending death is the same grief another woman is now going through because of their son’s death?

This is one thing that has baffled me for long, and honestly, I have no answers, or don’t know why, so I won’t pretend to be wise, and start sharing insights.

But really, my main question is this? How come they saw the girl didn’t have long life, but they never saw it in their own son?

Please, I really want to know what you guys think. Even though you might not have a definite answer, just share your opinion. Gracias.