How to buy N60.00 Ewa Aganyin with just N40.00 – The Authentic Seven Step Manual by Atilola Moronfolu



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I have been suspecting something for the past few months. As the days go by, my suspicion grows stronger. I think the woman selling Ewa Aganyin in my area has jazzed me with her beans. I am beginning to suspect that all these ‘Iya Bashira-ish’ rumours are true o, so my pipuls, if you must patronise Bukas, shine your eyes well well. Or how can I explain how I always want to eat her Ewa Aganyin every single day.  It doesn’t matter whether there is food at home or not, I still crave for her beans. Even when we are having parties in my house, I still send someone to buy her beans with bread, despite all the plenty food at home. The overall irony of all is that I don’t even like beans, and cannot stand where they are cooking any type of beans. The only type of beans I now eat is Ewa Aganyin and preferably the one from this particular woman in my area. You see why I am suspecting the jazz thing?

After my many bowl-carrying trips to her place, to and from work, I realised that I will be spending an overall substantial part of my salary, which is not very much, with her. Because of the efficiency of the yet-to-be-proved-but-effective jazz, I always feel that the beans they sell to me is too small. So, with my newly acquired experience and expertise in buying Ewa Aganyin, I have now been able to develop a wise way of buying N40.00 beans and a substantial Ewa Aganyin pepper that would satisfy me.

This method works all the time with any Ewa Aganyin seller, I can beat my chest to it. This manual I am selling to you has a money-back guarantee backing it, so no worries. So here it goes

Step 1
Walk to the small girl selling the beans (usually, the owner of the shop is not the one selling, she usually puts a smaller girl she imported from Cotonou. This is one of the reasons why the beans is always smaller, as she doesn’t want to oversell and later receive a knock from her madam) from her Ikoko Irin.

Step 2
Ask the girl to sell N30.00 beans to you. Yes, I know its N40.00 beans you want to buy, but just follow my instruction. I am the Ewa Aganyin-buying expert here so do as I say you read. Ask her to sell N30.00 beans. In most cases, she will sell you three table spoons of beans. If you are like me, you will be internally fuming at the small size of beans, but externally keeping your calm and acting tush because you got down from your car to buy the beans. Also, you don’t want the onise owos (artisans) sitting on the wooden bench, eating, to see you lose your cool.

Step 3
Please, monitor the number of table spoons of beans she is selling, as she is going to sell only three and will be speedy about it, as you are not the only customer waiting to be attended to. When the girl is about to sell the third spoon, say this to her, “Abeg, sell am well well o.” This will make the small girl feel she did not sell the first two spoons well, so she will ensure that the last spoon gauges well, and this act will ensure that your beans is a little more than the usual three table spoons.

Step 4
Once Step 3 is completed, before she puts the Ewa Aganyin special pepper on top of the beans, say this to her “Won’t you put fisi?” This manual advises that you say this in Yoruba. She is an imported Egun girl from the Badagry borders, and would most likely understand Yoruba. If you don’t speak Yoruba, say it in Pidgin. If you don’t speak Yoruba and Pidgin, well, I wonder why you are reading this manual in the first place. Go and buy your Ewa Aganyin from Mr Biggs’ Village kitchen. The sad fact is that the N200.00 Ewa Aganyin you would be buying there is going to be equivalent to the N30.00 own we are pricing here. Sorry o, but after all, you are blessed. So please, walk on or flip over to the next page to read the next article.

So as I was saying to the people that can speak Yoruba or Pidgin. Ask the lady for fisi. Most Lagos sellers comply with the ‘fisi policy’. Don’t be surprised if the small girl has started frowning by now. Don’t worry, your own is to make sure you get the maximum benefit from your money by following this manual. After putting the fisi, your N30.00 beans should be slightly more that the N40.00 value for now. She will then sell the special pepper on top.

Step 5
After she has packed your food and given you back your bowl, put it in the carrier bag you brought with you. Hopefully, you didn’t just get down from your car with a bowl without a carrier bag, as you are not interested in announcing to the whole world that you just bought Ewa Aganyin. Hold your food and hesitate a bit. Ask for bread if you want one.

You have to apply skill in what you are about to do now. No one must suspect that you have thought of this before. All of a sudden, bring out the bowl of beans you initially bought in an instant, and say to the small girl, “You know what, I don’t think this N30.00 beans will be enough, make it N40.00.” Yes, if the small girl is wise, which she might most likely not be, she would glance at you, knowing you just scammed her. But she would have no choice to collect the bowl from you and add another table spoon. Whatever is in your bowl by now, though it cost N40.00, would not have been as much as this if you had told the girl to sell you N40.00 beans right from the start. You see why I said I am the expert and you must follow the instructions of this manual?

Step 6
Just like one of the numerical methods in Pure Mathematics (I cannot let my GEG 402 Engineering Mathematics course go to waste), this is called an Iterative step, or what we call Iteration. Repeat Step 3, and tell her, “Abeg, sell well well o.” For the second time, she would be forced to gauge the spoon well again. By now, your N40.00 beans should be reaching like N60.00 value.

Step 7 (optional)
Just in case you are feeling lucky, you can press the Google’s ‘I-am-feeling-lucky-button’, and repeat Step 4 by telling the small girl to add fisi again. You take this particular step at your own risk. I would not take responsibility for what would happen to you if you do not take this particular step wisely. You must be able to be sensitive to the atmosphere in the environment. This step is for the extremely wise and cautious. It is really not compulsory, as your N40.00 Ewa Aganyin should be voluminous by now. So don’t do overkill because of greed.

So yes these are the steps to buying beans worth of N60.00 with just N40.00. As I said before, this manual is being sold to you with a money-back guarantee. It means, if it doesn’t work for you, I would return your money, provided you show me the beans your Ewa Aganyin vendor normally sells for N40.00 and the one she sells for N60.00. You must also show the one you actually bought for you to have known the manual did not work, so we can compare and confirm that these claims you make are real and true.

73 comments

  1. Too funny
    I must advice caution sha
    If the sun is too hot or the mood is sour....these tactics might result in insult LOL
    I no fit shout

    Great post

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    1. Looollll. Thanks. The manual requires a great deal of wisdom

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  2. LOL @ilola ewa goyin fraudster..no dey embarras me oh, u are an international author..:)

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  3. Loool. I must remember this one. Gone are the days when they'll scam me in the name of "bad mood and plenty customers".

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    1. Yes o. Now you have the tips, so you shouldn't fail o.

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  5. loool... at first I thought you were teaching us how to cook! I miss ewa agoyin sha and those road side roasted yam and stew

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    1. Ahhhh, roasted yam and delicious stew. Me love that too. What would we do without this roadside Mama Put(s).

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    2. @ Abi Tobi: Looool. This is a writing blog, not a cooking blog.

      @ Che: Really? Actually, I don't eat out. Well, apart from Ewa Aganyin sha... lol

      Delete
  6. Lol...this is just too funny. But by the time one goes back to the seller on another day she‘d probably have wisened up and won‘t let such happen to her again.

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    1. Funny enough, it works all the time. They are not that smart naa.

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  7. Ah! This juju strong o. I've not been in Nigeria in a couple of years hence I have not seen/smelled this beans in a couple of years but as soon as I opened this blog post the scent just overwhelmed me... oya this kain juju wey dey transcend time and internet, I wonder if it can magically appear before me (I've not read the article gan sef, lemme go back and read now lol)

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    1. Aaaah.... this is pure genius I tell you!

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    2. Looool. The jazz is really strong, cutting through the technological barriers of the internet, Lol.

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  8. Lol. Good tactics. Lol @ 'ewa agonyin fraudster'.

    There was this Mamaput in Ibadan. She sold rice and other foods. Her rice is always sold out by 7am in the morning! On a bad day for us customers, everything is gone by 8am including the okeles. I kid you not. Come see queues and food flasks. She was that good. I hear she dey USA now.

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    1. Really? Looooooolll. I guess her jazz is not bound by location. Serious something o.

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  9. Lmaooooo. Atilola o! This is hilarious. If I get as addicted as you, then I'll need several ewa agayin sellers niyen b4 they tag me as "aunty to ma lo agbari yen"

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    1. Loooollll. You will be tactical about it naa. Besides, you shouldn't go and overkill it.

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  10. I can't stop laughing...Atilola oooo. You don't only write well you are also an ewa agonyin genius

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  11. Lmho. You have come again with your funny post. What trick will you use for the madams that hawk the ewa agoyin?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same trick naa. I guess it should work. It's just how you 'adapt' the manual.

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  12. LMAOOOOO...i'll keep this in mind.

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    Replies
    1. But I can't guarantee its effectiveness in the UK ooo, lol/

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  13. My addiction is 'iya Saheed' every morning before 10.00am. No iya Saheed....no work! That's my policy. This manual on maximizing ewa aganyin purchase is inspired and I think it can be used across the board ie with iya Saheed and her small rice and beans. No longer will I be taken as a mama put mugu!

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    1. Madam, I have met you personally, and I know for a fact that you are a tush woman. Why oh why, do you fall my hand like this? So has my manual now been the cause of highlighting the 'untushness' in you? Lol

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  14. ROTFLMAO @ilola has busted my belly o.Ewa agoyin buying manual?! I love your imagination.Nice post dear.

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    1. Thanks jare. Would the manual be useful for you in port harcourt? I hope so oo.

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  15. Rolling on my laptop with laughter.....@tilola...my ribs hurt oooo..yeh!

    ahahahaha...so it is not me that like that ewa agoyin...m-e-hn! that their pepper stew nah be the winchy shaaaaa!
    Dem plenty for my estate well well! They are the ones to wake someone up in the morning with that their special cry in Igun...e-w-a-g-o-y-i-n...e-w-a--de-yyy!..in high soprano! It is best when served HAWT!...put plenty stew oo, is my usual say..e no reach!...put another pepper. Oh yes! don't forget the ever present agege bread....oni, bread ti de ooo!....ahahahaha...oh 9ja! i love this country o jare...just see the way you have explained the expertise in buying e-w-a....ha! what about amala ati gbegridi soup and ewedu ehn @tilola?...ahahahahahaha.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ha ha Ibhade. Very down to earth as usual. I know you will like this kind of post. I am sure the women would even know you well by now.

      Actually, I don't eat out (Speaking with my fake British accent), lol. I just make exceptions for Ewa Aganyin. Loooooolllll

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  16. Lwkm!!! I laughed at this till my BB dropped.

    You just made my morning. Pls keep me posted when you post "How to Buy N20 Amala with Ewedu"

    Nice one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hope your BB did not break o. I can't afford to buy you a new one o.

      Unfortunately, my expertise doesn't cover Amala and Ewedu, as I am just tooo tush for such. Lol

      Delete
  17. i found the title very intriguing..but the blog post is pure genius and funny too..but i can't use it to buy my puffpuff/fried yam things..please write that manual too o..lol

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    1. Loool. Thanks.

      Unfortunately, you cannot use it to buy countable food. Its just for the uncountable ones. When I think of the countable ones, I would let you know. Lol

      Delete
  18. Lol. LWKMD. Atilola you definitely are something! Reading this just made me feel like eating the delicacy. Hilarious stuff!

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    Replies
    1. Then go and buy it. And make sure you follow the steps in this manual.

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  19. @ilola!!! But why oh why? Why do you want to put me in trouble? (Reading at work)

    Sadly I don't like ewa agoyin but I attest that this works in buying many other things...in Lagos, one must shine eyes wella!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol. I guess even if you don't use it for Ewa aganyin, you can use it for other stuffs naa. Abi?

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  20. very funny. thanks for the tips
    http://giftemezu.blogspot.it/

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    1. Thanks. And thanks for dropping by.

      Delete
  21. Hilarious. LWKMD!!!!!!!
    Tempted to try this out, hope i won't get addicted too.

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    1. You better try it out. I can tell you that the manual works fine.

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  22. ROFLMAO. This was definitely written by a pro. I agree with the packaging food part. I also patronise Mama Put and buy "Party Jollof Rice". If you see the beta carrier bag i dey use carry the bowl ehnnnn, you won't even guess that I'm off to buy food. :-D. In my case, it's the madam that sells the food, so fear no go gree me try this techniques.

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    1. Yes o, its harder to use it on the madam, but I am sure it will still work. Just try it. Lol

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  23. LOOL
    see her, modern culprit..loool
    na ur kind we shd fear o, not all those ones ppl talk abt
    Nice packaging of manual..heheheh...on top ewa aganyin
    tot twas ewa goyin sef....wahtever it is sha, e ku ise

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    Replies
    1. Loooollll. Why should people fear me? Am I not innocent enough? lol.

      Delete
  24. Atilola: I gbadun this your manual sha! It is very comprehensive. I just have a couple of questions:

    1. What if the Ewa Agunyin girl or her madam happen to read your manual? Will you release a modified version? (Don't forget the internet is available to just about everyone now).

    2. Will it work for other similar food items like puff-puff, ofada rice, boli and epa (especially the boli), roasted corn, etc?

    3. Why can't we ask for jara agege bread?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, I need to be comprehensive. I put my all in everything I do. Now to your questions

      1. Believe me, they cannot read it. If they could, they won't be selling the food anymore. They's be busy getting educated.

      2. It works for uncountable food like rice, beans, etc. It doesn't work for countable food like boli, corn, puff puff.

      3. See number 2 answer. Loolll.

      Delete
  25. this is one of the most hilarous post i have read in a while. I cant stop laughing and smiling. In fact i dare not read this post outside the confines of my home, if not i will be stared at like some sick dude. I love the manuel will do as you have instructed.
    www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

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    1. Looooooollllll. I am so glad it could make you laugh joo. We all need some sunshine.

      Delete
  26. Heehehehehehehe, to think I took time to read this very slowly commiting each step to memory, me love ewa aganyin o, though I don't live where I can buy, this will definitely come in handy next time I'm in Lagos, it berra work o or I will cry :-)

    www.bukkyapampa.com

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Loool. Okay, try it when you come, and lemme know how it goes.

      Delete
  27. @ilola, you are not serious at all. Wait... actually you are very serious. I know this manual has a 200% efficacy. I need to go whisper to those ewa agoyin sellers to beware.
    Thumps Up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am serious joo.

      Even if you tell them, it will still work. Lol

      Delete
  28. lmao! do you do this to the same girl all the time? this is hilarious.. how did you even come up with this!

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    1. Loool. Yes na, same person, but it comes with skill. Lol.

      Just kidding, but it works

      Delete
  29. Hahaha
    It's 3am and I'm laughing myself silly and craving Ewa Aganyin thanks to you.
    Gosh! I miss Naija.
    How've you been? Been a minute...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Lool. Whenever you come to naija, remember to order for yourself

      Delete
  30. hahahahahaha lola OOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! ewa manual? i just can't stop lafin O!!!!! my colleagues are staring at me at the office like i've gone "gaga" O!!!!.....I'm trying to contain myself but i just can't O....hahahaha....u're definitely not from this part of the earth O!...lol

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    1. Take it easy o. I don't want to be the reason why you would be getting query at work. The bad thing is that I won't even be sharing my ewa aganyin with you, so please, face your work.

      Delete
  31. Rotfl!!! Hahahahahaha! Oh Lawd! I have so missed reading from you!

    Ewa Agayin expert, infact this is *brain tuu much* I dont like beans for anything but I'll be sure to pass this on to my sister, I think shez been jazzed too o :(

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    1. Loool, thanks. This is what I spend my time doing. Drafting manuals like this

      Delete
  32. Hahahahaha, ilola oh. Are you kidding me. Go to Mr Biggs to buy your ewa aganyin.
    This is so funny! Okay I think this is the first time I'm seeing this side of you.
    Lmao!! "your own is to ensure you get maximum benefit from your money"
    Too funny!!!!! Can't stop laughing!!

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    1. Lol at 'this side of me.' If only you could read my mind, you would know I am not as serious as you think o.

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  33. LMAO!!!!!!! this is hilarious...hehehehe!!! can't stop laffing. Gud one :D

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    1. Lol, thanks. Glad you found it funny

      Delete
  34. How you no go remember GEG 402 when Fash use Newton Raphson and others to bamboozle person brain...lol

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    1. Oh ma gosh, who is this? Reveal yourself to me, oh ye old classmate of mine!

      Delete

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