Ruining my neighbours' sexual escapade

A male and female lizard were courting each other right at my window pane. Immediately I saw the back of the female arched in a semicircle and her tail raised, with the male lizard continuously going round her, I remembered what my biology teacher taught me, and knew they were about to mate.

Right at my window pane?

So this is what they do when I'm not around?

I instantly blamed my parent’s decision to use texcote to paint the walls, right there and then

I said to myself “no way, this is my territory. There will be no premarital sex going on here. Where is your wedding ring sef? Show me now because I cannot see any. Damn you lizards.”

"Something I am not doing, you people have the liver to do, right in my very presence. What audacity! You don't even know your mate."

I mean, it was like they were saying to me "I'm having sex, and you aren't. Deal with it." So I decided to rain on their parade.

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I immediately brought out a leg of my trainers and threw it at the window to startle them. The male lizard immediately ran away, but the female one didn't. She looked really startled and moved a bit, hanging on the wall but was still there.

Na wa o, this female lizard must really be in the mood. So I kept using my shoe to hit the window. Believe me, it still hung on, and was looking straight at me (or should I say, diagonal since its eye is at the side of its head). I couldn't see whether it's tail was still raise because it was hanging vertically and I was inside my room.

Can you see how in times of pressure, men just run away, and women stay no matter whose ox is gored. I even slid my net open and shut it forcefully about three times but this lizard did not shake from its hanging position

I wasn't sure whether it was hanging for its dear life or it was determined not to give up on the sexual escapade I was bent on ruining.

When after 20 minutes, it was still there, I concluded that they were having sex, but since I was inside, I could only see the head of the female lizard, and the male lizard was beneath, doing the deed.

I concluded that since these lizards did not fear God, and had decided to be unchristian in their ways by having unwedded sex in open space, how would they even fear me?

And you won’t believe it. I am not lying or exaggerating. I was rushing to church the next morning. I was about to close my windows when I saw these same two lizards. The male was courting the female by circling her, and the female had her back arched in a semicircle and her tail raised.

Ewoooo, they were at it again.

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Apparently, they don't give a hoot about my ‘no premarital sex in my territory’ law or even the anointing oil I sprinkled overnight to drive spirit husbands that might want to have sex with me away.

I just slid the glass window shut, stepped out of my room, and locked the door, pretending I didn’t notice them.

Damn my horny reptile neighbours! All these lizards of nowadays. Ko si respect mo.

The real meaning of CHANGE!

So on my way from church yesterday, four young adults decided to hitch a ride with me. The sun was really out in full force, and the guy on the right hand side of the back seat wound down the window. As soon as I noticed, I told him to wind it back up because he wasn’t allowing the AC to circulate well. Because of this, I locked all the windows from my side, and later dropped the guy off at his nearest stop.

Later in the right, the lady sitting on my right wanted to wind down, but noticed it wasn’t winding down. She then asked me to wind down, and I asked her why. She said she wanted to throw a sweet wrapper out. The next thing that came out of my mouth was...

“Are you alright?”

 I was extremely surprised. I expected that she of all people would know better.

 “You want to throw something out of my car window on the street.”

Because of my scolding, she tried to defend herself. “It’s just a small sweet wrapper.”

 “Ehn ehn, so what? And you go to ABC church. You are supposed to know better.” I continued my scolding.

“You are a Christian, and are supposed to make a difference.”

She tried to say something else to defend herself.

I now said “Thank God you didn’t throw it out. If you throw anything out of my car window, I will stop the car, you will get down, and you will pick it up! How can you litter the road?”

At this point, she got the message.

“Anytime you have something like that, just put it in your bag, and when you get home, throw it in the bin.”

End of conversation.

I am actually surprised that in this day and age, with all the awareness and shouts of CHANGE up and down, enlightened people can still think throwing things out of cars and littering streets is normal. I just cannot wrap my head around it. And to think she actually asked me to allow her wind the glass down, when she knows I like things being done properly. She must have really thought that it was very normal.

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So people, when next you see Nigerians doing or trying to do funny things like littering the streets, jumping queues, urinating in gutters, etc. and you have the power to do something about, please do something about it. Speak out, and the ripple effect of this action will pay off in future. And that people, is how we really CHANGE the country, not by shouting CHANGE.

Irresponsible Memes, Insults and Manipulations

Hi people. I realised it has been a long while since I put of a random post of different topics. I will just let you in on some things that have been going on in my mind

After the presidential elections, when the votes were being counted, even with the average percentage of turnout in the north, there were so many votes counted there. This is because the north is very large, and there’s a high population there, though low population density due to very large landmass. Anyway, someone thought it wise to create a picture meme stating that “with all the votes counted in the north, what exactly had boko haram been killing?” Unfortunately, many Nigerians thought it wise to broadcast this by putting it up on their DP, and laughing at it.

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I think this is highly disrespectful to Nigeria and the families of people who lost their lives to the insurgents in the north. It is sad that not enough is being done, and the families have not been compensated. People have lost lives, businesses, homes, and many people have been displaced. Yet some Nigerians are joking “What (not who) has boko haram been killing? As if people in the north are chickens.” What if any of us were the victims. The person who created that meme, and everyone who shared it on their status should cover their eyes in shame! Shame on you all!

Secondly, concerning the woman whose three sons were kidnapped by her new maid. Most people came out condemning her for hiring a maid in OLX. Someone even went on facebook, called her stupid, foolish, and unfit to be a mother. Let me not lie, that comment brought out unhappiness from me. We humans are quick to judge and condemn when unfortunate things happen to people (case of Job). Now, I am not here to debate the woman’s actions, or the rightness of hiring maids or au pairs on the internet. But why would we just come out and ignore people’s history (which we know nothing about), and then insult them because of their misfortune. If a woman loses her marriage, it’s her fault. If a man loses his job, it’s his fault. A child dies of illness, it’s the parents fault. People just find ways to blame the victims for their misfortune. Even though it seems risky, people have hired maids on OLX. Did we insult them? Just because this woman’s story went awry doesn’t give us the right to run our mouth and calling her names. Mind you, she is a mother of four boys (is it easy?). So many children have been kidnapped even with all the carefulness of parents, and so many children have been safe even with the carelessness of the parents. God’s grace comes to play a lot in these situations. Please, let’s dedicate our time to pray for this woman and her family, so they can go through this period with enough support till they get their kids back, and let’s pause on the insult. God forbid, if anything unfortunate happens to us, and people start blaming us in our misfortune.

Lastly, about underage voting. During the presidential election, there was a picture about a young guy doing accreditation that went viral. Some people also thought it wise to gather pictures of children queuing for immunization in the north, cropped the beginning and end of the picture out, and say it was underage voting. Also during the governorship election, there was a picture of a young girl in hijab doing her accreditation, going round too.

I am not partisan, and trust me, this is not a political opinion. But going by the pictures, I am not yet convinced that there were SERIES of underage voting. Maybe later, but not yet, and place emphasis on the word, series. Here is why. When I was 20 years old, I looked younger than two individuals in those 2 pictures who were accrediting. Basically, my face remained the same between 13 and 24. And since then, I would say I have only aged very slightly. If I take away my makeup and extensions (if I wear any), I look far younger than my age once I don’t open my mouth to speak. When I was about 15, a friend of my mother saw me and said “This is your daughter? This one won’t grow old o.” I teach teens in church. I regularly get comments like "we don't see any difference between you and your students. You look just like them." So what I am saying is you can’t say a guy is underage just because he looks young, if you have not seen his birth certificate. I am not saying there was no underage voting, I am only saying I have not yet seen pictorial evidences of series of the,. If we later see a lot of childlike-looking people coming out to vote in pictures (not the immunisation one), we will now raise complaint. But as for now, the only picture is of an individual (during governorship) and another (during presidential). I also think those people who doctored pictures of children on queue for immunisation did a very mischievous thing, and don’t have the interest of Nigeria at heart. Shame!

Anyway, that concludes my rant for now. Feel free to bash my head over or love me up in the comment session.

This is exactly why you don’t want me at your event

I was invited to a game day event by my friend, Jumoke, of Artrubic ( (Everyone really needs to check out artrubic.com mehn. It is all things artsy, a website where people go to upload their writeups, paintings, poems, videos, and many other artworks, and they are currently running a giveaway). I had been looking forward to the event, and decided not to miss it for anything, because I am generally a boring person who likes to keep to herself. I recently decided to change this aspect of my life, and socialise more, so far I don’t have to be buying aso ebi and go to weddings. I am not a fan of that at all.

So on Saturday, jumoke hits me up on BBM, and the conversation goes this way…

Jumoke: Hi dear

Me: Hey Wasup?

Jumoke: So I need to confirm if you are coming on Monday and what you would be bringing and who you might bring with you, etc.

Me: I’m not bringing anyone. I might bring bananas, biscuits, or groundnut.

Jumoke: Ok. Biscuits please.

Me: Hmm. You k now I’m into healthy eating, so biscuits were actually my last option (devil smiley). Can’t I bring garden egg and broccoli?

Jumoke: ABEG OK. BIKO! EJO! NOOOOOOOOO!

Me: (ROTFL smiley) Ok. Cauliflower nko? We need to eat healthy.

Lamide: Atilola this is Lamide (boxing smiley)

Apparent, Jumoke had given the phone to Lamide, her sister, to talk sense into my head.

Me: You pipu want to be eating marshmallows? And be getting fat? Lamide

Lamide: No try am o

Me: I thought you said you want to lose weight

Lamide: Ehn not in one day

Me: I’m helping you achieve your dreams na. You should be thanking me.

Lamide: Monday is a day cheat o

Me: (devil smiley, mischief smiley)

Lamide: No try am
Me: Ok then, let me bring agbo jedi to balance out the sugar. As you don’t want to accept my fruits and vegetables

Long silence

Jumoke: Back to Jumoke. Erm see I don’t mind biscuits. I’m not even picky, even crackers are fine. But hob nobs are better, and chocolate chip cookies. (grinning smiley)

Me: No! Digestive biscuit. It is whole meal, so it is healthy (ROTFL smiley). No chocolate o (Tongue out smiley)

Jumoke: Digestive ke? You don’t plan on eating rice ba? Or chicken?

Me: I am eating rice o. I am not on a diet.

See, my issue with these two ladies is that they always talk about how they want to lose weight. Lamide is very slim, while Jumoke is slightly bigger. They both aren’t what you will call fat, though Jumoke is bigger.

As for me as a person, I’m not the kind of person that would buy cake and ice-cream or any other of those things for myself or to an event. I eat them once in a blue moon if I come across them, but I wouldn’t buy them. So why would I buy them to an event when they are

• More expensive?
• Less healthy?

I find ways to incorporate fruits and veggies into all my meals. I don’t joke with my fibre at all. The fact that I hardly eat out makes it easy for me. In fact as we speak, I am fully stock with banana, orange, potato, plantain, avocado, garden egg, carrot, etc. And trust me, I am not a diet. If I try dieting at all, I will just disappear in 5 minutes.

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Left to me, I wanted to take banana, orange, or garden egg to that event, but I knew they would give me a BBM slap, so I met them half way to say, banana, groundnut, and biscuit. Abi, I no try, even though I don’t eat groundnuts because of acne? I also don’t take dairy products because they spike my sebum.

You might say that the event is not about me or what I want, but what others would enjoy, but remember that others will most likely be bringing all the sweet unhealthy stuff, so I am allowed to tilt the balance a bit, abi. Plus all these ladies always talk about how they want to lose weight.

So here is my grouse. I strongly believe 80% of the ladies at that event, including Lamide and Jumoke, always talk about how they want to lose weight, but when I offer them the way to achieve this dream of theirs, they turn around and throw my offer back in my face.

Abi did I do wrong?

Anyway, I will be taking biscuit to the event, and it will be whole meal digestive. I am doing it out of love, lol. They will thank me when they are 70 years old, and still competing with Usain Bolt.