Atilola in Hollywood...

Thank you guys for your feedback in the last post. I will now try to perform the miracle of compressing the details in one post. This would be quite challenging, as I believe I got about 1500 pictures from my trip, and I would like to post nothing more than 30-50 here. So I would try to do just 1 or 2 posts per event. Let’s dive right in before this post gets too long.

I started the whole trip with my 3 day visit with my former trichology tutor at California. On the first night, I went to the Poets In Autumn (PIA) tour, when my spoken word people Ezekiel, Janette…Ikz, Jackie Hill, and Preston Perry of P4CM were doing their last show on the tour. The show was a great blessing, and mind-blowing.

After three days with my tutor, I had one last day to flex, so I decided to go for a tour, which I later judged to be a waste of my money because we hardly had enough time to get a feel of one place before we had to jump to the next. To be honest, I am supposed to do a separate post on my LA tour, but mehn, no time to pick beans. The world has moved on.

Hand and footprints of several celebs

Because I love Hugh Jackman

He's one of my favourite actors

Struggling to take a selfie. I was so shy, gosh.
I hate taking pictures of myseld

 I finally swallowed my pride, and asked someone to take a picture of me. But since Harrison Ford was the nearest star, I settled for him. Didn't have the guts to ask my picture taker to let us search for Denzel, lol.

Hollywood, through the lens of my phone.

A lineup of the best oscar movies for those years,
There were several pillars of them

Dolby Theatre, where the oscars hold.

There are somethings in life that cannot be explained, no matter how hard we try. They can only be experienced first hand. And one of those things is Walt Disney Concert Hall. You just have to see it to understand. Here is a picture below.

Then we moved to the Avila Adobe, the first house in LA, built in 1818, and now a museum. I watched the history of LA for few minutes on a video, how it became part of America, formerly being part of Mexico... So insightful. History is such a revealing thing.

People queueing to watch the live viewing of a TV show

 We then went to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA). We got there, and I saw these kids kissing and touching all over, so I decided to report them to their parents, using this picture as evidence, lol.

Can you spot me?

And then, straight to Beverly Hills...

Went to Rodeo Drive, used to be the most expensive shopping street in the world before, but has been overtaken by some street in Dubai, I think. Currently the most expensive in the US. All the shops were empty. This is because you can't just walk in, and shop there. You can only be invited by appointment. Na wa o. This is to tell you that there's money, and then there's MONEY.

Me on Rodeo Drive. I don't care what they say,
I'm more expensive than this street

Giorgio Armani signature.
This is the Hand and print version of Oscars

Streets of Beverly Hills.
I'm guessing this was Fashola's vision for Lagos.

Some celebrity (I've forgotten who) paid millions of dollars to make his house look like this (a village house in Africa). You can imagine. When he can have this for almost free in Echama village in Benue State. This is what happens when you don't know what to use money for.

At this point, I was already running late, as the tour was overrunning, and I didn't want to be late for my next appointment. Later that night, I went out with my friend, Ezekiel, and we basically gisted, and talked about many things, including the upcoming rhyme and reason concert. Are you guys ready for it? It’s gonna be the bomb

And that was it for California. I packed my load to Baltimore, and went to visit family for 5 days. It was basically just me and my cousin around all through. I had mad fun with him, which ended up with him thrashing me at the bowling alley at Dave and Busters. Everywhere we went, people kept assuming he was my boyfriend. At Dave and Busters, the waitress even called him my husband when he stepped away for a while and she dropped his change with me, which is very funny considering the fact that we both look young, and I am 5 years older than him.

My and my cousin/boyfriend/husband/whatever

About to do damage to the bowling alley, lol.

For the sake of my reputation, I have refused to put up the final scores, lol. While I didn't do so bad, my cousing thrashed my to the last, lol.

From Baltimore, I moved straight to Connecticut to stay another cousin, the sister of the one in Baltimore. I was there for 5 days, and basically stayed indoors all through, watching TV. I only saw sunlight the day I was leaving for New York, seriously. So the only picture I have from this trip was the interestingly served food I had at a Thai restaurant.

So off I went to New York, where my holiday just started for real (10 days). I don’t have family or friends in New York, and I had only been there once in the past, when I had to get a bus from port authority to Baltimore. This time, I knew I wanted to go there, so I asked my mum to get me a host. My hostess was really accommodating and not intrusive. Perfect for the kind of person I am. Since I had no friends, and no real home to stay, I was forced to go out every single day, which is unlike me. But I am really glad about the experience.

Unfortunately, I must stop here, because it would really be unwise to continue the New York experience in this post. It is extremely packed, and this post is already packed as it is. See you guys next Monday, when I would conclude. Please, don't vex. I really tried.

I am sorry. Please, forgive me

Guys, I am extremely sorry about the past two weeks. Posting about Mama peace and Mrs Brown back to back was a pure coincidence. I didn't even realise until it was too late.

You see, what happened was that I knew I wasn't going to be around, and had scheduled some blog posts for the upcoming weeks. I had writers' block, so I took some articles from my comedy book, For Laff's Sake, and scheduled them. So when I got new inspiration, I started moving articles around, and before I knew that those two articles ended up side by side, it was too late. So please, forgive me. I am sorry.

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I promise I am still normal, and don't have weird neighbours. Besides, if you haven't read For Laff's Sake, what are you waiting for? Order your own copy on Amazon now. There are way more funny stories in that book, but I can't post them here because they are too long. Besides, there would be no need for you to purchase again if I do that. Oya, click here to purchase.

So I haven't been around o. I was touring the world, lol.

I went on a trip that sent my account straight to red, but at least, I enjoyed myself. I did a whole lot of things on vacation. I think I was forced to have fun this time because I didn't have the comfort of staying with family in two of the states I went, so I was forced to actually go out without having to depend on anyone. If you know me, you know I actually don't like going out of the house.

Trust me when I say I went to a whole lot of places, but the major highlights were Hollywood and Beverly Hills in California, bowling with my cousin in Dave and Busters in Baltimore, then watching the Veterans Day parade in New York City, and the height of it all for me was watching Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. At this point, I was almost crying at the money I had to spend, but my love for Phantom of the Opera was just too much for me to resist.

So here's the thing, I am supposed to give you guys highlights, right? Since the trip was overpacked, the most sensible thing to do is to break it down into series, like my Seven days in Brazil series. But I don't know if I want to be blogging about vacation for one month, since I blog just once a week. The alternative would be to have it in one single looooong post.

Anyway, let me know what you guys think. I will do what the majority says.

But in the meantime, I neeeeeeeeeeddddddddd Moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Mrs Brown’s Ministry

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Mrs Brown owned a very big house, which she inherited from her husband, after he died some years back. She believed that she and her husband had the very best marriage, and she decided to keep that memory alive by not remarrying, but instead ‘helping’ young couples have such enviable marriage, beginning with the ones ‘lucky’ enough to rent a flat in her house.

The problem was that the young couples did not want Mrs Brown’s ‘help’, as they felt she was just a nosy old landlady whose interference had a way of turning things from bad to worse. However, Mrs Brown would hear none of this. She always knew how to use her position as landlady to get into the houses of everyone whose marriage she wanted to ‘help’.

She never rented her flats to single people or older couples. She only rented to young couples that had marriages ranging from one day old to fifteen years old. She believed helping them was her divine calling. And since all her kids were grown, married, and out of the country, she had all the time to devote to this ‘ministry’ of hers.

Believe it or not, one of the terms in her customised rent contract is that polygamy is not allowed in her house, she must not find out about the presence of any third party on the matrimonial bed. Also, once you separate from your spouse, you will have to leave the house once your current rent expires.

These rules were appalling to people that intended to rent, but they still rented anyway because they were desperate for accommodation, and secondly, most of them were young couples who never actually intended to separate from their spouses, so it was all well and good for them.

She even always has extra keys to the flats of new tenants, and sneaks in to their house in their absence, until they eventually find her out, and change their locks. One tenant even told his neighbours that she had walked in on him, and found him naked, before he realised she had an extra key.

Talks of ‘“Who is that woman by your side?” “She is my sister ma.”, “Who is that man I see you hugging?”, “He is my uncle ma.”, “If he is your uncle, should you hug him? Why can’t you go on your knees to greet him?”’ were the norm in that compound.

As such, even though Mrs Brown had a very nice building, with spacious flats, tenants never lasted long in her house.

One particular tenant that could not wait to leave that house was Niyi, who had tried in vain to stand Mrs Brown’s ministry, but was unsuccessful. His marriage was two years old, and he was very handsome and tall. He also had a very friendly disposition towards everyone he met.

His friendliness and beauty was a thing of concern to Mrs Brown, as she considered this to be a sign of a womanising man, and a womanising man would eventually make his wife insecure and give her heartache, which would eventually lead to an unhappy marriage. And an unhappy marriage in Mrs Brown’s house would be a failure, and serve as a big blow to her ‘ministry’. Because of this, she decided that she would keep a special eye on Niyi.

Niyi was already getting tired of her nosy interrogations and comments, and was always at the edge of blowing off his top, but his wife always tried to calm him down.

One day, he was talking to his sister about a family matter in his car. Seeing Mrs Brown walking towards him from a distance, he knew a problem was brewing around the corner. Immediately, he turned to face his sister directly, pretending not to notice her.

When she finally got to him, she started

Mrs Brown: Niyi

Niyi: (Muttering under his breath) Yes, Jezebel? (Turning around) Oh, I'm sorry, ma. You sounded like someone else I knew.

Mrs Brown: Who is this you are talking to, does your wife know you are downstairs in your car with a strange woman?

Niyi: Yes ma, she knows. This is not a strange woman, she is my sister.

Mrs Brown: How do I know you are telling the truth?

Niyi: If only you had changed the lens of your glasses, like I recommended, you would have seen the resemblance between us.

Mrs Brown: You don’t have to be so rude with your remarks. I am only trying to help you, and watch out for your wife.

Niyi: Thank you ma, we appreciate that.

On another occasion, Niyi was on leave from work, and his female cousin had come to visit him at home. Immediately she got into the apartment, Mrs Brown got on the prowl. She went to the front of his apartment, and strained her ears so she could decipher whatever it is that might be going on in his house.

After about one hour, she couldn’t stand the mystery anymore, so she just knocked. Niyi knew it was her, so he refused to open the door. He told her to go away, that he was sleeping.

Mrs Brown: I am here with the carpenter. Remember you made a request that your kitchen cabinet be fixed.

Niyi: That is very strange. I made that request 18 months ago when I just moved in, and nothing has been done about it since then. I wonder how come you remember, even when I have fixed it and forgotten about it.

Mrs Brown: Well, I decided to be a darling, and do something about it.

He finally opened the door, and before he knew it, Mrs Brown pushed it wide open with a power he never imagined she had in her, and went straight into the living room.

Niyi: I thought you said you brought the carpenter. Where is he?

Mrs Brown: (Looking at the woman in the living room) Seeing what I see here, the absence of the carpenter is hardly important now.

Niyi: And what are you seeing here?

Mrs Brown: Who is this in your living room?

Niyi: (Hardly believing his ears, irritated, but trying to be polite) She is my cousin ma.

Mrs Brown: (Eyeing Niyi and the lady) Are you sure, are you telling me that there is nothing going on between you two?

Niyi: Absolutely ma. There is nothing going on between us.

Looking suspiciously, Mrs Brown hissed and walked out

Later that afternoon, Niyi took his thrash out, and saw his cousin off to the car park.

On his way back to his apartment, he saw Mrs Brown doing something he had never imagined or thought possible. It was a sight of Mrs Brown going through his thrash.

Niyi: Excuse me ma, what is going on here?

Mrs Brown: Ooh, not to worry. You claim she is your cousin. I will prove to you that she is not, when I find the condoms you used for protection!!!

I won't tell you...

Mama Peace lost her palm wine-tapping husband when he fell down from the palm tree three years ago. After then, she decided that she would resign from her job as a full-time housewife, and take an employment as a full-time rumour monger. She has acquired several contours and scars on her body, to exhibit as medals she has received from doing this serious job of hers.

I am not going to tell you of the time she told people that she saw Yetunde kissing Tope’s husband, when Yetunde claimed to only be checking the colour of the wax coming out of his ears, or when she told us at the backyard that she saw Alpha snogging Lateefat. We asked Alpha about this, but he said he was only giving Lateefat mouth to mouth resuscitation, as she was about to faint, because of the fumes coming out of Mama Peace’s generator.

I won’t even mention the time she said Omon was stealing fish from Titilayo’s pot of soup, when Omon said he was only helping Titilayo remove the cockroach that flew into the soup. No, I won’t mention these tales.

I won’t mention the fact that we were not surprised when we heard that fifteen year old Susan was pregnant, because Mama Peace had already told people on the next street that she caught Tekena and Susan doing the deed, and when she confronted Tekena about why he should do such to a very young girl, he said she had come to seduce him when he was praying, and he had removed his belt, so he could use it to bind the adulterous demon inside of her. When he removed his belt, his trousers fell down, and that was the last thing he remembered.

I will keep mum about how she told some people in her family that she caught her brother-in-law staring at the backside of his step-daughter, and they were eyeing each other, but he claimed he was only looking at the unusual colour of the butterfly at the hem of her dress.

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What of the time she told the whole street that ever since the hummer-driving Mr Abimbola died, Mr Festus, who was Mr Abimbola’s best friend, has been leaving Mrs Abimbola’s house by 12 midnight, whenever her twins were away in the university, and Mrs Abimbola says he’s just coming by to see whether there are no cracks in the wall of the house, because he was the supervising engineer when the house was being built. No, I won’t tell you that story too.

I refuse to talk about when she raised an alarm after catching Mr Edoho stealing all the cloths off the cloth line at the back of the compound, and we all ran out, only for Mr Edoho to tell us that he had a vision that the house was going to burn that day, and he was helping us save our clothes in advance.

In fact, at this moment, my lips are sealed because I won’t mention when she told the Christian community in the estate that she caught Brother Amos putting Egg and Pap sacrifice at the T-Junction, and Brother Amos said he was only killing a white squirrel there, the one that appeared in his room while praying in the midnight, which he relentlessly chased, and eventually killed when he got to the T-Junction.

No, I won’t tell you all these tales. What I would only tell you is that mama Peace has a full-time job, which has caused her to have loads of enemies and no genuine friends, and this job sure gets her into troubles with a lot of people.

Ehhmm, one more thing… I won’t also tell you that my daughter’s name is Peace, and my husband was a palm wine tapper who died three years ago.

If I were an anonymous blogger...

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The fact that I am not an anonymous blogger has restricted me in some ways, in terms of blog content. There are some things I definitely cannot put up here. But that's where creativity comes in. When you are restricted, cannot affoed to use offensive language, yet you still own your space when it comes to good content.

As you might know, I have always said on the blog that I had known that one could blog anonymously, before I started blogging, I would have been an anonymous blogger. I have this feeling that my life is way fuller than I portray it to be, and this blog would have been far more interesting.

So I was thinking. If I were actually an anonymous blogger, what would have been different?

I would have blogged more about the Nigerian kind of religion Christianity, and talked a lot about hypocrisy. God knows I have my own work cut out for me in this Kingdom-building business, and the way I remain sane is by focusing on the specific work cut out for me.

I would have blogged more about my mum. I think she's such a case, and I think writing about our conversation will make for great comedy. No, she's not funny, she's just... well, a case.

I would have blogged more about my relationship life. In fact, there's a particular one which we'd have gone on the journey together on the blog. I used to be more open about relationships and all, but now, I am the most private person in existence, lol.

I would have liked to say that I would have blogged more about my past. Fortunately, I am one of those people who don't have any adventure or secrets or whatever in their past. For example, I spent six years in university without attending a club for once. I am not from a dysfunctional family, I didn't jump from place to place, men to men, relationship to relationships, and I don't believe in premarital sex. No, I don't have a perfect past, I just don't have a spicy past. So blogging about my past would make this space a really boring one, and I would have sent a lot of people into slumber. So let's move on.

I would have blogged more about my weaknesses. I know I currently blog about my imperfections, but I would have delved more into things I feel I could be better at. I would have said some things without the fear of anyone using it against me in future.

I would have blogged about other bloggers, lol. Something tells me I'd have been a troublemaker, rather than the peacemaker I normally am, lol. I am just joking o. There's this saying that short ladies have sharp tongue, and insult people easily, as a defence for their short stature. I think this cliche somehow passed me by when God was creating me. I can't insult to save my life. Maybe that's why God gave me a fast speech, assertive voice, and a skill in the art of spoken word to compensate me for my lack of height and lack of insultive prowess.

My stance has always been 'Being an anonymous blogger doesn't give you the freedom to just talk anyhow even though you have a lot of freedom. You can read more about my opinion on this when I chose to burst some bloggers' bubbles here. Anonymity only gives a degree of freedom, and not infinite, so let's still be careful'

Really imagine? If we had to pay money for everything we said, won't we watch our words better, and say only things that are important and edifying? I try as much to watch my words, as I have no time for idle words. Try it, the positive effect in every part of your life would amaze you. #poetryofinstagram #poetsofinstagram #writersofinstagram #wordsbyatilola #instaquote #instapoet #talkischeap #idlewords

A photo posted by WordsByAtilola.com (@hattylolla001) on Oct 22, 2015 at 6:12am PDT

I think I would stop for now, and ask you. Are you non-anonymous blogger? If you were an anonymous blogger, what would you blog about, which you are not currently blogging about? Let us know in the comment section.Id