I won't tell you...

Mama Peace lost her palm wine-tapping husband when he fell down from the palm tree three years ago. After then, she decided that she would resign from her job as a full-time housewife, and take an employment as a full-time rumour monger. She has acquired several contours and scars on her body, to exhibit as medals she has received from doing this serious job of hers.

I am not going to tell you of the time she told people that she saw Yetunde kissing Tope’s husband, when Yetunde claimed to only be checking the colour of the wax coming out of his ears, or when she told us at the backyard that she saw Alpha snogging Lateefat. We asked Alpha about this, but he said he was only giving Lateefat mouth to mouth resuscitation, as she was about to faint, because of the fumes coming out of Mama Peace’s generator.

I won’t even mention the time she said Omon was stealing fish from Titilayo’s pot of soup, when Omon said he was only helping Titilayo remove the cockroach that flew into the soup. No, I won’t mention these tales.

I won’t mention the fact that we were not surprised when we heard that fifteen year old Susan was pregnant, because Mama Peace had already told people on the next street that she caught Tekena and Susan doing the deed, and when she confronted Tekena about why he should do such to a very young girl, he said she had come to seduce him when he was praying, and he had removed his belt, so he could use it to bind the adulterous demon inside of her. When he removed his belt, his trousers fell down, and that was the last thing he remembered.

I will keep mum about how she told some people in her family that she caught her brother-in-law staring at the backside of his step-daughter, and they were eyeing each other, but he claimed he was only looking at the unusual colour of the butterfly at the hem of her dress.

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What of the time she told the whole street that ever since the hummer-driving Mr Abimbola died, Mr Festus, who was Mr Abimbola’s best friend, has been leaving Mrs Abimbola’s house by 12 midnight, whenever her twins were away in the university, and Mrs Abimbola says he’s just coming by to see whether there are no cracks in the wall of the house, because he was the supervising engineer when the house was being built. No, I won’t tell you that story too.

I refuse to talk about when she raised an alarm after catching Mr Edoho stealing all the cloths off the cloth line at the back of the compound, and we all ran out, only for Mr Edoho to tell us that he had a vision that the house was going to burn that day, and he was helping us save our clothes in advance.

In fact, at this moment, my lips are sealed because I won’t mention when she told the Christian community in the estate that she caught Brother Amos putting Egg and Pap sacrifice at the T-Junction, and Brother Amos said he was only killing a white squirrel there, the one that appeared in his room while praying in the midnight, which he relentlessly chased, and eventually killed when he got to the T-Junction.

No, I won’t tell you all these tales. What I would only tell you is that mama Peace has a full-time job, which has caused her to have loads of enemies and no genuine friends, and this job sure gets her into troubles with a lot of people.

Ehhmm, one more thing… I won’t also tell you that my daughter’s name is Peace, and my husband was a palm wine tapper who died three years ago.