How my destination wedding almost got ruined

Hey guys, how's everything? Merry Christmas, and happy new year in advance. It feels so good to be back, even though I have just been gone for a week. It feels like I abandoned the blog forever. I really tried to blog last week, but the Internet where I was is a mess on all levels. My husband told me to just chill for that week, cos everyone would 'understand' why I missed the post.

So our destination wedding was a success in every aspect... except one. I have decided to do a series of posts about our destination wedding, destination weddings in general, and share a few tips on how to pull one off.

It was a celebration of love in Banjul, and we started in style. Yes, I had a destination wedding. Flooding your timelines pretty soon. #tilogey2016 #destinationwedding #bbnwonderland #bbnwonderlandbride #nigerianwedding #banjul #gambia #Repost @emekaogey with @repostapp ・・・ #Banjul. We are here #tilogey2016 #xoxoGambia #wedding #destination

A photo posted by WordsByAtilola.com (@hattylolla_) on Dec 20, 2016 at 7:49am PST

Firstly, I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who sent their wishes. Thank you very much for all your comments and kind words. I really appreciate them, from the bottom of my heart.

As for the wedding, we are back from the trip. If I could do it again, I would have had us stay longer... maybe till few days before new year.

The pictures did not tell lies at my Traditional Wedding

Hi guys, how are we all doing? Hope your holiday is going on strong. We are preparing for the final phase of the event happening this weekend.

The traditional wedding pictures are finally out. It was a great event. God came through for us in so many ways. Shout out to Major Works for capturing every single moment of the event. We got over 1200 pictures. Enjoy few of them.

Oh ma gosh... surprise surprise!

Hello everyone, how are we gearing up for the festive season, and rounding up 2017. I'm yet to put up a post about the traditional wedding, which was a great success, thank God. But for now, I don't have enough pictures to make a post out of it, so I want to wait a bit.

Yesterday, I planned to go out with BH, so we could clear out things on our to-do list. I was driving behind him, wondering where he was leading me to. We got to a restaurant, he led me to a private sitting. We opened the door, and right there, my date with BH came to an end before it even had the opportunity to statr.

Surprise surprise, it was my bridal shower.

To say I was shocked was an understatement.

I always think there's no way someone like me would have a bridal shower because my friends and not cohesive. So for them to find each other in different circles, and pull one for me... It seems so unbelievable. I'm still very shocked.

The theme of the event was afro, lol... to which some didn't adhere to.

Natural hair afro cake

This cake was made by Cakes (Berry's husband) factory, to think I was with Cakes the previous night, and he had this up his sleeves...

The enormous blessing of being single

Hello people, hope you are all doing well? I'm traditionally married now, and it was a success. We thank God. This post below is the final post I wrote as a single lady, and it's gaining massive read and shares all over the internet (I just heard it's even on Linda Ikeji, lol). Please read and share your opinions about it in the comment section.


I’m getting married tomorrow!

But that is not what this article is about because in as much as marriage is a good thing, and I am looking forward to what that phase holds in store for me, I am not under the illusion that my life would suddenly transform from that of dystopia to a life of utopia.

You see, almost all my friends are married, and I have asked most of them few months or years after marriage, that “Which is better, being single or being married?”

It is interesting to note that not a single one of them has been able to tell me conclusively that being married is better than being single. They all respond with the familiar lines of “It’s different. Marriage is good but it comes with its responsibilities. They all have their pros and cons.”

I’ve been single for all my life. Yes, it might not be a lengthy period of time in some people’s eyes, but it is far longer time than I intended to be single, especially considering the fact that I graduated at the age of 21, and have been financially independent since then.

And I would like to say something that an average young girl might never get to hear.

Oh gosh, I was forced to kiss a man + When does married sex become legitimate?

Hello people, what’s happening to everyone? Hope we are all good? So part 1 of the climax of journey to marriage happened last week. I’m still so excited, but it’s all surreal for me. I don’t think reality has dawned on me yet, lol.

We had to do a registry wedding because we are not doing a church wedding, since we opted for a destination wedding, though we have 2 officiating ministers following us outside Nigeria for the blessing.

Our experience at the registry was somewhat mixed. Getting married at the registry is not stressfull at all, though it is a mad cash cow out there, with everyone looking for ways to milk money out of you. At the end of the day, it was a success, and we thank God for that

Here are a few pictures from the event

I think soft colours look good on me.

The church and its lack of appreciation for Talents

When it comes to talent and its expressions, we all know that there’s a thin line between work and ministry. There has also always been the age old argument of whether people should charge for ministry work, or even be paid for it. One now begins to wonder why this argument comes up when it has to do with the church parting with money, cos it never comes up in the cooperate organisations.

Something happened to me, which made me think long and hard about this topic.

When it comes to my spoken word career, it is both ministry and work for me. Spoken word is the work I do, by which I use to minister directly to people. Unlike people like Janette…ikz and Ezekiel, I am not a Christian spoken word artist. I am a Christian who is a spoken word artist, and they are entirely different.

Just like a Christian who is an accountant, he is first a Christian before he is an accountant. Even when he stops being an accountant, he will keep being a Christian. He is expected to shine the light of Christ in his accountancy profession.

So even though I am not a Christian spoken word artist, it is always evident in my message that I am a Christian, because naturally, my values will be reflected in my message. Also, I organise spoken word and rap concerts that are Christian and kingdom driven, because that is my mandate for now. I also teach spoken word in church. I don’t train my students to become Christian spoken word artists, I simply train them to be spoken word artists. Whether they want to use their skill for evangelism, entertainment or social transformation, it is for them to determine. My own job ends at skills transference.

Because of my kind of message, I get invited to perform at all kinds of event… all kinds. The only kind I haven’t performed at yet is a funeral, and I am up for the challenge whenever it comes.
When I get invited, I state my fees, they pay, I rehearse and rehearse and rehearse. I perform and it ends… mostly in that cycle. If I don’t like the fees, I negotiate upwards or recommend someone else. On very few occasions, I perform for free.

So last week, based on the recommendation of a pastor, a lady invited me to perform at a church departmental end of the year party. I stated my fees, and we reached an agreement.

In the course of the next week, she ran into some personal issues, and some other woman took over. This person didn’t reach out to me on time, so I cancelled out the program from my schedule. Two days to the event, she called, and I made an allusion to the fact that I had almost changed my mind since I didn’t hear from her. We talked a bit more, and I agreed to come even though I’ll be under too much rehearsal pressure. I asked how far with the agreement for my fees, and she was like "what fees?"

She asked for the amount, and then I shouldn’t worry because she was under the impression that I was just coming to ‘bless them’. To say I was shocked was an understatement?

What if I had started working on their piece, which ideally, I should have cos she called 2 days to the event?

She didn’t even try to negotiate me down, or use the usual ‘please come down for us, it is the work of God, church has too many expenses’ line. She just expected me to come and do it for free.

She expected me to invest my time, my sweat, my brain, my saliva, and energy, fuel… for free.

Can you see something wrong with this thinking? And here is my reply for her and other church people who think this way. If you are one of them, please make sure you read well and well enough.

“First of all, I am not coming to bless you. I am coming to work, to do a job. In the process of my work, you will become blessed. If I am coming to sow, I know that's what I'm doing. If I'm coming to work, I know that's what I'm doing. You are not the one that will tell me to sow. I choose to sow when I want.”

When church ministries act this way, and don't want to pay, I don't take them seriously, and I don't go. It is not because I'm mean, greedy or I can't afford to do it for free. It is because in most cases, those people don’t really appreciate you, your art, the work you do, and the time you invest into churning out excellence. The value they place on you can be equated to how hairdressers treat hair lice.

I mean, they paid the caterer, decorator and other service providers, so why shouldn't I get paid? Is my work less important than theirs? Do you know how much intellectual work goes into creating an average piece, talk less of a good one?

Did they ask the caterer to bless them with their food? Of course not. They paid her because they understood the value of good food. No wonder the church loses its talent every day because the secular world never treats talents like this.

When the woman dropped, I didn’t feel bad. I was only sad because she was referred by someone I respect, and if that pastor should ever ask me, I will just show him this blog post.

Merit list into the school of death

I lost a friend two months ago. Well, a former friend and colleague… we used to be close, but not at the time of his death. We lived close to each other, and he took me to work and back home everyday before I got my own car. Eventually, I resigned, and one way or the other, we were no more close the way we used to be.

When I got the news of his death, the first thing I asked was what everyone always asked. “How did he die?”

My friend slumped while jogging.

Well, life sucks, and some things are not unusual

It is not unusual for young people to die
It is not unusual for a friend to die
It is not even ususual for people to slump while jogging.

What hit me the most was “Why kelechi?”

I mean he was one of the most jovial, fun-loving, life-living people I ever met. The only time you see him with a straight face was when he was very sucked into his laptop, working. He was tall, light, always bouncing, smiling, and laughing. When it came to radiance, this guy could compete with sunshine itself.

So I thought to myself, it is not fair.

Why didn’t death take someone else, someone that didn’t love or appreciate life, couldn’t live life to the maximum, maybe someone who is always gloomy… who couldn’t appreciate that health he had, perhaps someone that even wanted to commit suicide?

This should be the merit list death should use if it want to admit people into its school

All I am saying is that if death is roaming around, trying to rip people’s lives off, there are some people it has no business touching, and Kelechi Umelo is one of them.

Life sucks many times
But death sucks so much more.

How to use the Vision Board to get whatever you want in life... including marriage

On my ‘Journey to Marriage’ series, one thing that was recurrent in my posts and many commenters kept talking about was the vision board and how it helped me. This post is my attempt at delving into how it works and how you can utilize it effectively

A typical vision board: Source

The vision board is a very powerful tool. Creating one is simpler than ABC. First of all, a vision board is just a picture of what you want to see manifest in reality. If you want a big pink house, your vision board will have a picture of a big pink house, or its representation.

What makes the vision board so powerful is that the more you look at it, the more it spurs you into action. Therefore the vision board won't really be effective if you are not regularly looking at it, and seeing yourself achieving all that you have documented on it.

As a Christian, you can go further by attaching scriptures to each vision or picture. Read these scriptures aloud and meditate on them whenever you look at your vision board. This would continue to reiterate God’s will for you concerning that vision and the more your confidence and faith builds up in that area. This can apply to whatever your heart desires

If you need children, attach pictures of children, along with scriptures on fruitfulness
If you need money, attach pictures of whatever represents money in your life (graphs, fake notes, cheque, written figures, etc) along with scriptures if you desire
I'm sure you get the idea by now

You can attach pictures of anything, write figures , etc. just put images of whatever represents what you desire.

For my marriage vision board, I put the image of

• My desired proposal ring, 
• A man and a woman dancing together (cos I wanted to be best friends with my husband, not just spouses), 
• A man and a woman laughing together (cos I wanted true happiness in my marriage), 
• Denzel Washington in suit (cos I wanted a confident, handsome, focused, visionary man who knew where he was going ... and just cos I love Denzel too, lol). 

So whatever it is you want in life, you can use the vision board to implement it.... as long as it can be envisioned.

Please note.
The vision board is not an automatic ticket to achieving what you want i.e. Just because you wrote it down doesn't guarantee success. What the vision board does is reminds you of what you are supposed to be working towards and the steps you should be taking towards your goals. It boosts your faith and moves you to work cos faith without works is dead.

A practical example
When I was in 500 level engineering, I made a first class GPA in my first semester, which I really needed to boost my GP. So I said to myself, I should be able to make all As for once in my life before leaving school. Anyone who studied engineering should know how difficult this feat is. Normally, As become harder to get as you move up in grade. Your early years are the time to cement your GP, not the final years. But here was I, thinking. Not only did I was 1 A , not even 2 or 3.  I was looking for about 8 As. I didn't think about how wicked or sadistic the lecturers were, or how hard the course was, or that I was in my final year. The truth was that I didn't really need all As that semester cos my CGPA was already decided but I wanted it. I wanted to know how it felt to have it as it wasn't common place, I wanted it just for the thrill and excitement of it. So I wrote it down on a paper... all the courses I was taking, with A beside each. I pasted it on my bed head. First thing in the morning, it was all I saw. When I got back to my room and stepped to my bed, it was the first thing I saw.

And guess what? I got it!

That was the first time I worked with it a vision board.... and I didn't even know it was what people call a vision board. Only that now, I use pictures, attach scriptures to each goal, and steps to take

Did I achieve everything on my vision board this year? No

And it was my fault... because after sometime, I stopped looking at it and letting it spur me on, especially because that particular board was not placed in a strategic position in my room. I got carried away by life’s stress, activities, rhyme and reason, courtship wahala, and the fact that I had achieved almost everything on the board. And this is where we need to be careful… never ever let anything distract you from achieving the goals on your board. Life will try, but remain focused. This is where I will improve next year.
The practical tips below are very important in making your vision board effective

1. Make your vision board exciting with things like pictures, numbers, etc so you feel good just by seeing them each day.
2. It doesn't have to be a board. It can be a cardboard with several pictures stuck on it or even small paper like my 500 level all As vision. 
3. Don't overload your vision board with hundreds of visions, such that it becomes a fantasy. If you have lots of them, keep updating the board by deleting and adding more as you meet previous set goals
4. Put your vision board in a place where you can see it every morning and night or else it won't be effective
5. Don't let your vision board be another decor in your room. Consciously walk up to it daily, look at it, picture yourself achieving the things there, and how you'll celebrate when it comes to pass, meditate on the things written there, and walk in that notion. 
6. Most importantly. If you don't believe that thing is possible, please don't put it on your vision board. If you don't believe God is capable of giving you a million dollars, don't put it there. If you don't believe you can get married in a year even though you are single now, don't put it there. In summary you have to believe it is possible, even though you don't know how it will happen. You have to work on your belief system. If you want it, if you believe you deserve it, and you know God desires for you to have it, and you believe it is possible, then put it there. It is not a fantasy board, it is a vision board. BELIEF PRECEDES EVERYTHING. 

Two scriptures that helped me work on my belief was psalm 37:4, Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. This means whatever in the world I desired, I would get, as long as delighted myself in God. It is God giving me, not me achieving it by myself.

The second one was John 16:24, Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full. Can you catch the rev here? Even God wants me to be happy. He’s very willing to give me whatever I want just so that I can be happy. All I need to do is ask.

This is the kind of confidence to implement your vision board. I need to stop now, cos I don’t want this post to be too long. I might do a part 2.

One of my boards: with scriptures attached.
The confdidence part was alluding to the fact
that mine lies in God, so I will get what I want

I hope I have been able to help you out with this vision board thing even though I couldn't fully exhaust it in one post.

Please lemme know if you have questions in the comment section. I will reply

My Experience at the BBNWonderland by Bella Naija and Baileys Nigeria

Wow. So we are back to regular blogging.

My last vacation as a single woman is coming to an end today… so so sad. No more impromptu vacations, jetting off and leaving last minute. It is now the phase of checking in with your spouse’s schedule, traveling with kids and colourful bags, something I've never been used to.

Another phase of my life officially begins today because as soon as I step into town, I begin wedding preparations. Speaking of stepping into town, I'm going to be going home to meet all the freebies I got from bbnwonderland. Basically, I left bbnwonderland and went straight home, where I dumped all my things and headed straight to the airport so I've not really had time to bask in the euphoria.
Speaking about the event itself, I have mixed feelings about it. From what I have gathered so far, It was different from last year’s own in many aspects. It was bigger, more hyped and not just about the brides.

I was very glad to have been one of the 30 brides to get in, especially because the month of September wore me out physically, and I needed to wind down.

Pros
There was so much food
We got to make new friends with other brides.
Even if you don't get one of the major prizes, you go home with a lot of freebies
Baileysnigeria spent mad money on that event. It was an ‘appearance’ of excellence. Note the inverted comma.

Cons
Firstly, information dissemination was poor and conflicting. Gosh. One minute, someone is telling you to pack your bags cos you need to go home that night, the next minute, another person is asking you why you are packing your bags. We were particularly pissed when they interrupted our makeup sessions just so we could quickly check out by 12 noon. Meanwhile, they didn't inform us of having to do this before so it wasn't our fault. See some brides running around with half made up face only to find out that we had been locked out of our rooms and had to revalidate for extra 30 minutes.

So many teams worked on making that event a success, but the different teams were speaking

Secondly, it was all about the social media hype, such that the comfort of the brides was sacrificed at the expense of perfect poses and pictures. No jokes, we were on our feet from about 12 noon till past 7. No food or water, taking pictures all around, shooting videos, etc. brides were complaining about their feet and hunger (though I wasn't hungry cos I filled my stomach well during breakfast). When we got to the evening event, they didn't consider that we had been on our feet all day. We still stood out for like 2 more hours, taking pictures and networking. At least, this time we had water and canapés.

After a while, brides were squeezing their faces, they probably couldn't take it anymore. It was supposed to be a relaxing experience. But the thing is I didn't feel pampered. I felt stressed, and I think that defeated the whole purpose.

Finally they let us in, and the main event started. From then on, there was food and even more food for the after party than the whole party could finish, that you begin to wonder why the food galore wasn't spread throughout the day.

Anyway, I didn't stay for the after party cos it was almost 12 midnight and I wasn't planning to sleep there.

In all, I'm glad for the experience even though some people have commented that they don't see someone like me fitting into such setting. I'm glad I went.

I'm glad I saw the extent to which Bella Naija and baileysnigeria went to pull this through. It was really classy... with the likes of basket mouth, Toolz, Omotola and her husband, Banke Meshida, Noble Igwe, Klala Photography, etc anchoring the main event.

I'm also glad that they brought Betty Irabor and Aunty K to talk to us about marriage, and not just wedding celebrations, on the first night of the event.

If not for the poor communication and the sacrifice of brides comfort for social media hype, the event would have been perfect.

So will I advise anyone to go? Absolutely! I believe the next one will even be bigger, and the organizers would have seen the things that went wrong in this one, and improve on it next edition... hopefully.

Journey to Marriage 15 - This is not the end

Through all the fairy tale journey to marriage I've had this year, it hasn't been all lovey dovey and hushy cushy. Getting to bond with another fully formed human hasn't been without frictions. Maybe it would have been easier if we were younger, like in our early twenties.

One major thing about BH and I is that both strong willed, though in different ways.

In my moments of doubts, I have said to myself that I'm not doing again and imagined marriage to BH cramping my style. Gosh, I have had gazillions of negative thoughts and fears that I've allowed myself to dwell on... Thoughts I have no business entertaining. But all in all, I'm very confident about the journey I'm about to embark upon.

I admit, BH is more stable than I am and less easily moved.

The laughable irony is that in all our good and bad times, the issue of tribal differences has never come up. In fact, it doesn't exist in our problems.

BH and I are similar in many areas, and different in many areas, a few of which are

• I don't roll in cliques. I ride solo while He's a friend friend person. 
• I'm have a more serious to life, while he takes life very easy. 
• We are both entrepreneurial. He's more on the strategy while I'm more on the action (I don't have time to be talking when I have too much doing, lol).
• He listens to secular music while I don't. This is actually a potential source of conflict in our marriage, not because it is secular but because I’m very sensitive to words, and I don’t like noise. Wisdom is needed here
• He sees conflict as normal and embraces it. I hate conflict , run away from it, and see it as a sign of trouble in my relationship. This is another source of conflict as I tend to worry a lot while he carries on with life as normal when all is not well between us. 

All in all, we've learnt a lot from each other and still have so much more to learn. We have a wonderful support system... Something I lacked in my previous relationship, so many friends, families and mentors standing by us.

I thank God for everyone who stood by us through this journey. I thank God for our counsellors, friends, especially K, D and A.

I thank all of you for joining this series. I’m glad it has inspired and encouraged some of you, even though one spirit kept whispering to me to delete all the posts and stop the series, lol.

I especially thank God for Berry and cakes. Berry has been so helpful to me, you can't even imagine... Not just by introducing me to BH but by giving honest advice, making sure I get all my wedding materials on time, etc. By December, I won't be able to write my life's story without Berry Dakara constantly featuring in it, and because of that, she would forever drum it into our ears, lol.

In the end, I'm very grateful that God brought BH into my life. He's definitely worth every second of the wait. Now, let’s make this wedding a reality. Here's a gift from me to you - my favourite pre wedding picture.

This is the end of this series, and it had been one of my longest running. I will resume regular blogging from next week. A lot will be changing. Still working on somethings.

Journey to Marriage 14 - My own kinda wedding

Thank you all for coming on this journey to marriage with me. We are gradually coming to the end of this series… while for me, the journey is forever.

I’ve never really liked attending big Nigerian weddings, and do my best to avoid them. I only attend people’s wedding if I am performing there, or the person is extremely close to me. So it was not a surprise that I wasn't over the top about wedding BH though I wanted a marriage with him.

When we visited the pastor we are accountable to as a couple, on his own side, his wife mentioned the idea of a destination wedding so I quickly chipped in that I've always wanted a destination wedding but many Nigerian parents won't give it a chance, and we also have to consider the kind of family we are marrying into.

BH then added that his mum won't mind. I knew my mum won't mind as long as she has her own wedding in Nigeria. And that was how the idea of a destination wedding started forming. We both informed our families, and they agreed.

So as it stands, we are having a big traditional wedding in Nigeria, and a very small and intimate destination wedding.

We considered and researched countries like Jamaica, Barbados, UAE, Zanzibar but we finally made our decision and settled for a country I will reveal later on the blog. Our major consideration especially in this time of recession was cost and visa stress to our guests. We are having 50 guests and cutting costs on so many things that would have cost an arm and a leg had we done it in Nigeria. It would be looking like something similar to this

Source

Because of this, I'm in no way stressed about my wedding. In fact, I don't feel like I'm getting married cos I'm not really doing anything or running around. My mum is doing organising the Nigerian one, all I'm doing is appearing at the venue to follow protocol (it has always been my dream not to have a hand in my wedding). And for the one outside Nigeria, the hotel is sorting everything out. All I'm doing is sorting out guest list and collecting flight money.

I'm therefore having 3 weddings- registry, traditional and white. Two would be in November and one in December. By the time 2016 is over, I will be fully and totally married like I had predicted in January. A lot can really happen in a year.

Right now, I need money, money and more money, even for the small wedding we're planning. My life is changing rapidly before my eyes, and I pray for the grace to stand through it all.

Question: What do you think about destination weddings? Is it something you would like to do for your wedding? Would your parents be open to having a destination wedding, considering the fact that most of their friends and family won’t be around?

Journey to Marriage 13 - A very surprise party?

We had earlier slated our introduction for the last week in August. Due to the potential unavailability of a major stakeholder from BH’s side of the family, under short notice, we moved the introduction to mid-July.

By the grace of God, the introduction was a success… slightly bigger and more dramatic than I envisaged, in my father’s living room.

At this time, anytime I remembered my proposalless and ringless life, I would vex small, though I tried as much as possible to not be bothered about it. I even blamed the unusual circumstance of how I met BH and how our relationship evolved into courtship.

The thing that pained me most was that I knew BH had a ring he could easily exchange to get me my heart’s desire, lol. He had also measured my ring size three weeks after our relationship, so he wasn't confused.

Also we needed to do our pre wedding shoot, so we could start working on soft copy newsletters and other stationaries, but BH kept giving excuses like the photographer shifted the date, the date is not convenient, etc., and this was also paining me, lol.

BH’s birthday was three days after our introduction. I had considered the possibility of his proposing to me on that day, but I felt it wouldn’t happen because

1. It would be too obvious
2. His previous birthday didn’t hold good memories
3. He wasn’t planning anything big.

So I decided to help him out, by presenting him options. I decided that I was going to take him out, just him and I… so if he had been considering a proposal, it would be a nice time for him to ‘surprise’ me, after all, I was the one who was taking him out. Don't laugh, I could be scheming at times. I need a saviour.

A week to his birthday, I was on the phone with BH one morning, when his business partner called me. I later returned his call, and he said he wanted us to plan a surprise party for BH on his birthday, but I wasn’t required to do much. I told him I was already planning to take BH out, so it means we would have to go out earlier.

Even though I wasn’t happy that my own plans had to be overridden, I was determined not to wave it aside. His business partner told me I didn’t have to do much, and I could just bring the cake I had ordered from Cakes to the party, instead of sending it to BH’s house. He had invited my sister, and told me since we were in on it together, I could invite my friends.

I called cakes to change the plans, and on the main day, I took BH out on a date. We got to the venue around some minutes to 5pm, because I had been told that the party could start anytime from 7.30pm, and I wanted to have enough time with BH.

I told BH that I would need to give Berry’s African Naturalistas products to cakes, and pick his cake from him, so we would need to get to his friend’s house on my way back to drop him. I kept using style to check my phone from messages from his business partner. The signal came much later than I expected because it took time for people to get to the venue.

Finally, we got to the venue, and I was praying that he won’t suspect. We finally opened the door to his friend’s house, which was dark, everyone came out of different corners, and shouted SURPRISE.
Wow, we were successful at surprising BH, and the party started. The cake showed up, juice, chicken, finger foods, water, etc. The party was in full swing.

Birthday cake by Cakesiena

I asked him if he was surprised, and he said to a large extent, he was, but started suspecting when his friend’s house was totally quiet. I then told him about how his business partner called me, and planned all these.

About one hour into the party, we were dancing and having fun. I was matching dance steps with his friend when I suddenly turned my head left, and saw BH on his knees.

I was so shocked and speechless, and guess what I did…

I ran away!!!

I didn’t know where I was running to, but I was just walking away, cos I couldn’t absorb the shock.
Why was BH on his knees… at the surprise party I planned for him? Where did he get a ring from? After all, we came in my own car, and he was empty handed.

In the meantime, his business partner had run after me, brought me back to the place where BH was waiting for me… still on his knees.

He was like “can we make it official?”

I couldn’t say yes, I was too weak and shocked to open my mouth. I couldn’t keep looking at him on his knees, so I knelt down to meet him where he was, and hugged him. All these while, a musician he had hired had been serenading us with “Money can’t buy me love.” The atmosphere was very emotionally charged, and some people had tears in their eyes.

After he slipped the ring in my finger and hugged me, I just went to sit down, while another phase of the party started, after they brought a second cake out, where they wrote "She said Yes", the exact words written on my vision board for 2016. Please read the post here if you missed it.

Second cake of the day

It was then people unravelled things to me. The surprise birthday party I thought I was planning for BH was actually my own surprise proposal party BH was planning for me. Everyone there except me knew, which is why I had been asked to invite my friend, an instruction I had ignored. My sister knew, even my mum knew. All the time I was telling his business partner we were on our way, he was also telling them the same thing. Berry, all the way from Atlanta, was in on the plan, and Cakes and BH were the master planner.

I also later found out that my lack of ring was the reason BH had been postponing our pre wedding shoot, cos he didn’t want me with bare fingers in the pictures… and to think I believed this guy didn’t send me.

Anytime I remember that day, I still smile, especially at the point when I turned left and saw BH on his knees.

Goofing around after the party was almost over

Question- For the married: Were you proposed to? If yes, how? Was it your dream proposal?
For the single: How would you like to be proposed to?

Journey to Marriage 12 - Highs and Lows of courtship

Hi guys, how’s everything? Thanks for continuing this journey with me. Just in case you haven’t noticed, some of your comments made me repent, so I reactivated all the old editions, and won’t be taking them down… at least, for now.

Before I start today’s edition, I think it is important to mention something I omitted in that one month prayer saga, to make things more lucid. Like so many of you, I had mixed feelings about it. I really didn’t like it because of the emotional trauma and uncertainty that came with it. When we met a month later for the review, and he was talking about us meeting a week later to make it official, I actually accused him.

I asked why he didn’t just allow us to be friends like normal people who liked each other, and develop a relationship from there. Why put me through all these one month stress? I basically accused him of being insensitive and giving what he could not take.

His response was

“I am not looking for another female friend to add to the ones I already have. I have enough female friends already. I was looking for something more. We could have easily done the usual thing of just talking and gisting as friends, but I guarantee that we would not be where we are today if we did it that way. Now, we both know what exactly we are doing and working towards (something like this).”
At that point, all my resentment towards him concerning the one month drama vapourised.
A couple of weeks after we made it official, he asked if I still think the one month prayer request was a bad idea, and I said “NO”.

………………………………..

For most part of the midyear, BH was high on euphoria about us… dismissing other expectant ladies, and basically getting high on Atilola juice. During this period, we kept getting to know each other, working through conflicts, learning how to walk and work with each other, and basically doing what people are supposed to do in courtship – bonding through constant communication.

One day, we had our annual church retreat at a hotel. He came to the hotel by midnight, and refused to go home, so we were in the car, talking and sleeping till morning, after which he drove home with his last fuel (it was the period of fuel scarcity).

He shouted me out to the whole world.

We then started preparing for premarital counselling, and dynamics changed again.

Firstly, I was afraid they would turn us back because it was a short courtship. K and my pastor said they wouldn’t because they are looking for much more than length of courtship.

I also wanted a ring and a proper proposal before the counselling began. I didn’t want to be the only proposalless and ringless person in my class. In fact, I wanted a ring before I introduced him to my mum.

I did not get any of my wishes. He said he wouldn’t give me a ring before meeting my mum. The only thing I got before counselling was HIV test result, which I also insisted on (I can't come and let marriage kill me with disease). All these requests caused serious fights.

I liked to have my way, and he doesn’t like feeling like he’s being controlled, or that something is not his idea.

The ring thing pained me ehn, but I decided to disdain the ring, so I won’t be too expectant.

BH said whether they pass us or not for premarital counselling, we would still marry, cos no one can tell him with 100% conviction that we weren’t mean for each other, so he’s not scared, although I didn’t think it was a good idea. Those people at premarital counselling panel are experts, and trained to see things many people would not ordinarily see, and if they recommend that you shouldn’t marry, or you should wait a bit, you better not take their advice with a pinch of salt. Others who have pushed their advice aside have regretted it.

And the form for the premarital counselling? It was something else. Questions like, how many spouses your parents have had, your position in the family, finances, what you are doing for the kingdom, rating of weaknesses like greed, arrogance, selfishness, what you would add to your spouse’s life, length of courtship, of you go on dates regularly, etc.

And you better not lie.

So if a first born lady is marrying a last born guy, they would flag it, and counsel you through handling it, cos that would be a source of conflict in your marriage.

When we went for premarital counselling interview, they flagged our courtship length, but didn’t really see it as a big deal cos they sensed sincerity and maturity in us both, and also let it slide cos we weren’t going to get married till year end. A major issue for them was that I had stayed about 14 years in my church and had been a dedicated worker for very long, while BH was 2 years in his church, and had been working for less than 3 months, and I would have to follow him to his even though I was more grounded church-wise.

And then we waited for the result for about 10 days. In all these, I noticed a little anxiety in BH before and after the interview. He would ask. “Haven’t you heard from these people? When will they call us? When are we starting?”

It was obvious that he really wanted us to pass premarital counselling, and learn all he could. In the end, we made it to the class. It went on for six weeks (14 classes), and we learnt a whole lot. We were the couples with the shortest courtship, though I wasn’t the only proposalless and ringless lady there.

There were about 2 more.

By the time the class was over, we already had our introduction date, traditional wedding date, and wedding date, but I was still wearing no ring, and had no proposal story to share.

Question: Do you think formal proposals and engagement rings are important/necessary, especially when you are already making plans to marry? What level of importance do you place on premarital counselling, especially church ones?

Journey to Marriage 11 - Much ado about tribe

I had decided that I was going to tell my mum about BH during the last week in March, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.

The thing about BH is that his tribe wasn’t straightforward, and I did not know what tribe to tell my mum he was.

I am Yoruba, and I have never been with a non-Yoruba person. I have never thought of being with a non-Yoruba person, or even conceptualised the idea. Ever since we were young, even before the age of 15, we knew we were supposed to marry Yorubas only. So there was no way my mum would start telling me at my age who to marry, cos we already knew.

Because of this, I wasn’t sure how my mum would react. If I were 24, I’m sure she would have spun her head around, and never agreed with the idea, but at this moment, I just didn’t know… not because I was older, but of past heartbreaks.

More importantly, I had told God, myself, and my friends that if truly God was involved in the relationship between BH and I, the most damning evidence would be total acceptance of us by every stakeholder, especially mum. Our least worry would be parental approval.

BH is a mix of delta and igbo. His roots are in delta, his father’s roots are in delta, but he’s of igbo lineage... just the Obama being from Kenya situation. Whenever anyone asks me, I just say he’s from delta, cos even though he has an igbo name and of that lineage, he’s never been raised as one.

So one day, I was lying on my bed, and I just felt a nudge to go and inform my mum even though it wasn’t yet the time I set for myself. I went upstairs to my sister’s room, and asked her to follow me to my mum’s room. The reason was that just in case my mum starts to object, my sister can join mouth in convincing her.

I said “Mum, I’m getting married o.”

It started with shock on her face, and I said “I met someone and we are getting married this year.”
Then it followed with excitement. And I was like

Oh, oh, I’m about to break this woman’s heart. 

Believe it or not, my mum was about to get on the floor, and kneel or roll.

My sister and I were like “No no mummy. Don’t be happy yet. Don’t get excited. There’s something we need to tell you. There’s something you need to know.”

Then she looked at us, and said “What is wrong?”

I said “Guess.”

She said “What is wrong? He’s not Yoruba?”

I said “Yes… but you will love him when you meet him.”

“Where’s he from?” I replied “Delta.”

And then the miracle happened.

She said “Who am I to stop you if that’s what you want?”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt? Adonbilivit.

This is my same mum who even gave us the configuration of Yoruba you could bring home, cos not all of them were acceptable for marriage.

“Where in Delta?” I told her.

I kept saying “Mummy, don’t worry, you will love him. He’s such a great guy. Once you see him, you will fall in love with him.” And that was the song I was singing into her ears all through cos to me, I felt it was important to elevate the person over the tribe, after all, people from all tribes have good character and bad character.

The next day she called me, and asked if I was sure I was doing the right thing, and not going with this guy because I was desperate. I told her that if it were desperation, I would have been with someone else cos he’s not the only person dancing around me.  That was the last time the issue of tribe came up.

A week later, I told my brother. He kept saying I’m not serious. I tried to play the same you-will-love-him-when-you-meet-him card, but it did not work.

He just kept saying “you are not serious”. I kept smiling and saying “I’m serious.”

He wasn’t happy about it at all… the tribal difference, short courtship and all. According to my brother, he was Igbo, no matter the explanation. When I told him that he’s a great guy, he said all guys are great to the women in their lives. No matter the defence, he wasn’t buying it. But he ended with the fact that I can do what I want since I’ve made up my mind, and not exactly seeking his approval.

BH and my brother are cool now, so I’m believing his first reaction was due to the shock that came with that kind of unexpected information.

After this, we set dates to physically meet all the powers that be.

First my pastor… who basically gave his approval cos BH is cool like that, lol.

Then his pastor… who believe I’m very good for BH, and we are good together

Then his mum: We travelled all the way to Asaba for this. She wasn’t happy about the fact that I was smallish (she’s not so tall herself). She’s so funny, and was really good to me. She made banga soup for me.

And lastly, my mum… whom BH was so eager to meet that he crashed my house just when we got back from Asaba, just to see her, before returning during the weekend for the official meeting.

Right now, everyone is family, and all hurdles have been scaled. The same friends who were sceptical cos they felt he rushed me, and rushed me to his mum are all very cool with us now. Cos even though we made the decision to get married very early, we intentionally pushed the date far. So it is not exactly a short courtship.

Now that we have all the required systemic support, we can now move into less important and juicier details of things like proposal.

Question: What do your parents think about intertribal marriage? Close or opened to it?

Journey to Marriage 10 - Scaling the hurdles

Source

My status as a girlfriend was short lived. No we didn't break up or anything like that. Before we made it official, BH had started painting pictures of the future of us... Home, career, children, etc. He had referred to his dad as my future father in law, and dropped several innuendos here and there.

So I didn't have the luxury of being a girlfriend for long.

That week we made it official, he asked me a second time. "When do you want to get married?"

This time, I didn't lie. I said I wanted to get married towards the end of the year. I asked him when he wanted to get married.

He said "yesterday." I mean BH was high on euphoria, he couldn't even hide it anymore. He said he wished we could get married immediately but it won't be possible because of stakeholders.

Long and short, I was no more a girlfriend, I was now a fiancé. We knew people would think we were crazy cos we hadn't known each other for very long.

I told Berry about it, how her friend was in love with me, and how we were already talking about marriage. Of course, she was shocked.

She was even more shocked a week later when I told her we had decided to attend the next premarital counseling class in my church.

And that was when we knew we had a whole lot of hurdles to cross. Unlike BH, I don't roll on cliques. But his friends will wonder when he even started seeing a girl, talk less of marriage. His business partner would eventually ask him over and over again if he was sure of what he was doing and advise him to take it slow. It was just hard for everyone, including me to wrap one's head around what was going on.

We set a date to see my pastor, his pastor, travel to see his mum and then my mum was last on the list of stakeholders that must agree for the marriage to go on.

I prayed for God's will to be done. In my past, I was rejected by the family of my ex fiancé for whatever reason best known to them, and I couldn't afford to go through that experience again, neither would I want to be the reason why someone would have that experience. It's a terrible thing.

He told his mum about me, and how we were already planning to marry and all. From his account, his mum seemed pretty okay with it.

In my mind, these were the major hurdles

1. My pastor - wasn't really an issue cos they were with me on the journey right from the very day I was going to set my eyes on BH for the first time and through the emotional ups and downs. They knew every single detail and were in support

2. His pastor- who's also his elder friend. I had no idea who he was and I was uncomfortable being introduced to him to scrutinize me.

3. His mum - I wasn't looking forward to meeting her because of my past experience. Affliction shall not rise a second time.

4. My mum - the major principality. We had been warned not to bring a non Yoruba home, and I was about to spring up information that I want to MARRY someone she's never heard of, who is not Yoruba. And she never even knew I was seeing anyone. Major disaster!

5. Premarital counseling interview- I felt they would turn us back because it was a really short courtship. And they'll also require the written consent of the above 4, which we might or might not get. The good thing was that the interview was two months later, which would give us time to build on our courtship portfolio.

All in all, number 4 was the major one, and here's where God would prove Himself to be the author of my relationship with BH.

How did He do it? Well, next edition will tell.

Journey to Marriage 9 - The end of the beginning

Hi people. Thanks for following me through this journey. I have now decided that I will be taking down the posts in this series once they are two weeks old. That will help me create a balance between making sure the people interested are reading and not putting my life out there for everyone to dissect for eternity.

Before the one month period was over, I kind of already knew I was going to marry him (like I said in the previous edition), also because he had already fallen in love with me, though there was still some degree of holding back. Remember we had just seen twice (the first day we met, and our first date)

Still I was nervous as to how the one month review would play out. During that one month period, we had asked each other questions, me being the one with the most (he said he already knew most of what he wanted to know about me. I know he'd been snooping me out on social media, lol)

I want to recall one time. He had asked about my age, which he already knew from one of my newspaper interviews. Then he asked when I want to get married. It was really awkward for me.

Please let's calculate this together. A guy who you like and likes you but you are not sure about his intentions on marriage asks for your age, and then asks when I wanted to get married.

Everyone who has been following this series knows the answer to that question. I had been telling the whole world I was getting married this year. It was on my vision board, staring right at me, from my wall. The answer was everywhere, but I didn't want to seem desperate to him or that everything we were doing was just a ticket out of singleness for me.

So I lied

I said "I don't know, I'm not sure. Maybe sometime next year."

It was a big fat lie!

His reply was "okay, that's fair enough."

Anyway, moving on, the one month review was supposed to end on a Sunday, and our date was supposed to be Monday.

BH sends a message on Thursday to bring it backwards to Sunday cos Monday would be stressful. On Friday night, I was at vigil, and went straight to our annual women's conference in church on Saturday, which was all day (my church is not really far from BH's house)

Towards the last segment of the conference, BH calls me and says he's coming to my church. He's moving the date, which is no longer a date one day backwards again because he has to be at a study group almost all day on Sunday and he won't want our date to be late into the night. In my mind, I was like "Hmm, this guy really can't wait to see me, that's why he's so much in a hurry." Lol.

Let's just say I wasn't prepared at all. I had hardly slept after vigil, and if I was going to be getting into a relationship, I should at least be ready for it. Yellow Sisi, who was with me at this time quickly gave me her perfume to spray, told me to wear light makeup and assured me that the Ankara jacket and denim I had on was good. Thank God my hair had just been made four days earlier.

At the conference, the last segment was the breakout session. There were 5 groups, parenting, singles, finance, and two more I can't remember, maybe career and wives, I'm not sure. Naturally, I chose the singles focus group. Immediately I stepped into the singles group to sit (which was supposed to be my first gathering with singles as a single person for the year), I had hardly sat down for 10 seconds when BH arrived and asked me to come to the basement.

To me, this was a prophetic sign. I just had no business being single this year.

When we met, he started asking if I had made up my mind about him, and if I see him as a husband material. I kept dodging his questions and ceding the responsibility to him since the one month thing was his idea. I can't gaan be jumping into conclusions, and then he would now say he has prayed, and we are not meant for each other. God forbid baadddttt thing. Talk your own first.

Even though the signs were all there, one can never be too careful in things like this.

He basically said he's made up his mind, and if things keep going the way they are going, he's most likely going to get married sooner than he expected.

I quickly did a mental chicken dance.

But let's just say that's the most definitive response he gave throughout that day.

At first, I was pissed. I mean it was like we were already in a relationship but he didn't want to define of right there. He said we would meet the next week and do things the proper way. He also joked about needing one more week to mourn the death of his singleness.

After a while, I just let it go, and we spent three hours in the car, basically doing nothing serious but chitchat here and there. He took our first selfie as an unofficial couple. The attraction was so strong and concrete, you could hit the atmosphere with a stone and hear the thud.

We stayed in church till late at night, and then called it a night. I don't care what he called it but in my mind, I was in a relationship, lol.

The one week that followed was so intense, we could hardly stay away from each other via phone calls and chats.

Three days into the week, he said "I love you." I was so shocked that I could hardly respond. I was like "did you just say what I think you said? What did you just say?"

Source

He responded with "what did you think I said?" I pushed for like 5 seconds, and he repeated it.  I just said thank you. I didn't want to say I love him because it would sound like a mechanical response to what he said.

He said and still says "I love you" in such a way that I've never heard before. There's nothing mushy and emotional about it. It sounds like "I love you and you must never ever forget that I love you." Lol.

And that was the beginning of the I love you I have come to hear from him every single day, from that day.

In the meantime, We still had the date to look forward to. Towards the end of the week, he was like "here's how Sunday will go. I will officially ask you to be my girlfriend, and you will say yes. Even if you say no, you will be my girlfriend."

On the other end of the phone, I was just grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

Source

Three days later, we went on a proper date, our second date ever and fourth time we were seeing each other. We talked and talked. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.

We walked hand in hand out of the venue, as a couple, and my life has never been the same again.

Question: Who was the first to say "I love you" in your relationship? Does it even matter who the first is? Is it important to continuously say it in the relationship?

P.S: This is not the end of the story o. See you all next week.

Journey to Marriage 8 - Traumas and Roller Coasters

Firstly, I'm excited. I entered for the BBN Wonderland competition for 30 lucky brides, and I made it! Yaayyy! It was a writing competition about how your special friend(s) have been influential on your special day. Y'all know I'm a writer na, and I have a special story with a special friend, lol. All I did was just pick the first two editions of this series, and sent them. Of course, the story revolved around the one and only Berry Dakara. And I wonnnnnnnnnn! For that, I get to be treated like a princess. It's going to be my mini vacation before my vacation, cos immediately I get back from the wonderland this Sunday, I leave the country for my last vacation as a single woman that same day, and for that, I'm mega excited.

Back to the series...

The next one month of my life was not funny. That’s all I can say. A and K felt it was a very good sign. They said a guy does not make such a statement to a girl is not seriously considering. In K’s mind, I had already married, I should just go and claim my husband, lol.

Cakes, being the closest to him, said it was very good, and basically echoed what A and K said about his seriousness. All these while, this guy never said anything to Berry and Cakes about the date. Berry was shocked that he could have said such a thing to me, cos he was being mute to them.

As for me, a day later, I became pissed… yes, pissed. My mind had started playing tricks on me.

How dare he say I should go and pray for a month? Yes, I know we were hooked up, but who does he think he is self? Me, I should be praying about a man? He should be the one on his knees, praying, and asking God to give him direction. If he wants, let him come. If he doesn’t want, let him go!


Thing is whenever I like or I'm considering someone, I always pray concerning the issue. I don't need any special period dedicated to praying about many things in life, except in special cases. So definitely, I had been praying concerning this issue from the first day

Two days after this, I was extremely troubled in my spirit. I had a very expository dream, which revealed some things to me, concerning delays in marriage, and how I had gained my victory.

When I woke up, I knew what exactly I had to do. I went to my sister, and talked to her. We decided on a 21 days prayer and fasting concerning this. We did this, not fight demons or enemies, but purely to enforce the victory God had already wrought.

And that was how I started praying and fasting, even though I had earlier wondered about praying about him. Let’s call him BH (Better Half). My prayer was about enforcing victory, asking God to direct me concerning decisions about marriage. I put all sentiments of emotions aside, and was very sincere. I said things like “I like BH, I really do, but take him away if he’s not yours for me.” It was a spiritually intensive period for me, but I knew I had to pay that sacrifice to change the course of my life forever.

Apart from being spiritually intensive, it was also an emotional roller coaster period . First of all, I didn’t know how to start asking questions, without appearing desperate. I didn’t want it to seem I was the one doing all the one-month assignment. We were building friendship, learning about each other, but I felt he wasn’t there yet, where I wanted him to be.

I used to tell D during the fast period, I have sense strongly in my spirit that this guy is my husband o, but anyway let God’s will be done. I told her also that if eventually I decide to marry this guy, the final confirmation from God will be that we would have no single issue with parental approval, concerning tribal differences. That will be the real miracle.

A lot of times, I wanted to cut BH out of my life. I felt I wasn’t getting anywhere with him, and everything was just a waste of my time. Hot today, cold tomorrow, and I was just tired.

About half way through the fast, I said to God sincerely “I like this guy, and I need direction concerning him. He’s still holding back a bit, and unsure. If he’s your will for me, I want him to like me much more than I like him, and it will be evident for all to see. He’s your son, deal with him yourself.”

And that’s exactly what happened. From then on, that he fell head over heels is an understatement. I had done my bit, but this one was completely God.

Two days to the end of the fast, I made a statement of conviction to myself, I was as sure as the back of my hand… I said “I am going to marry this guy.”

But for now, we must wait for the imposed one month to be over to know what direction to go.

Journey to Marriage: I'm very sorry

I was chatting with Toinlicious this evening when she asked why today's post was not yet up. To say I was shocked was an understatement cos I had scheduled the post since Sunday. I quickly went to by blogger backend, and saw that I had mistakenly scheduled it for next Monday, as is my default mode, instead of Thursday.

Unfortunately, it was almost 10pm, and we know that blog traffic for the week usually dies around Thursday evenings, and ressurects on Monday, so it was no use putting the post up so late at night.

I'm really sorry for the mix up. I am one who keeps to my word, as it is the only thing I have, so the lack of post really pained me, no be small.

I hope you all understand.

The series continues on Monday.

And thank you all for your comments

Journey to marriage 7 - What manner of Date is this?

Thanks to everyone who has been following my journey, and commenting. I love to read your comments because they encourage me to keep going on even when the greates thing I want to do know is go back to my shell.

Yes, the date took place a month after our first encounter, but it seemed more like 5 years because of the drama that had ensued, more like the drama I had put myself through.

The date had been fixed on a Thursday, and was to take place on a Sunday. The next three days passed without anxiety. We chatted lightly in between. I didn’t get the venue until the morning of the date. And no, it wasn’t a tacky place at allllll. It was where you took people you are seriously considering, lol.

Maybe if we had the date like a week after we had met, I would have been nervous, but a lot of drama that had gone down, and honestly, I was too busy to even be nervous (it was my rhyme and reason preparation season).

Of course, I wore a very fitted tight dress (of which he took no notice, lol), I changed my hairstyle a side woven frohawk, light make up (basically because I’m not a pro at makeup). I think I looked good, and I thought he noticed that I looked good. I would later come to find out that he actually saw me, but did not really see me.

The whole date lasted for a little over 5 hours, of which he talked for 80% of the time. He talked about his last break up, business, illness, etc. I talked about my last break up.

I basically enjoyed the fact that he did almost all the talking while I was only listening. It was a lazy date for me, but I enjoyed it. I could listen to him go on and on and on, talking. As of now, he says I like gist too much.

The only reason the date ended was because we really had to go home. No, I didn’t want to go anywhere. I just wanted to keep looking at his face, as he talked. All through the date, what kept going through my mind was “So a girl saw this one, and let him go. How stupid?”

In hindsight, I am now sorry for that ignorant thought because no one is perfect, not even my husband-to-be. The fact that we can walk and work together doesn’t mean he’s exactly an innocent or holy person, lol.

Let me quickly divert here, and say I wasn’t entirely innocent and leave-it-to-God in all these. By this time, I had already known I was interested in this guy, at least from what I knew about him so far. I was praying seriously, for me not to make a mistake. I didn’t want to want what God didn’t want for me. But I was also doing things on him, of which he had no idea. These things are what you do to basically get someone to start eating out of your palms, without them even realising you are doing anything to them.  I am not going to mention them on this blog for two reasons

1. I invested so much time learning those skills, and I am not going to just paste them on the face of public internet

2. He doesn’t know that I did some things to him, and I don’t know how he would feel if he reads this post. I know he will still read it, that's if he's not yet reading them. Some of his friends are already seeing it.

So basically, I had started wetting the ground. On the day of the date, I also used one of the skills I had gathered, and I will tell you this one. It is called the Epoxy eyes. To summarise it, throughout the date, I looked straight into his eyes… yes, for five hours nonstop. He was mostly talking, I was mostly quiet, and looking straight at him. It was all for a purpose.

Anyway, when the date was almost over, the tone changed a bit. He made a mention about how he was enjoying his single life, balling, doesn’t want to ask ladies to be patient with him when he’s not ready, and the timing for a relationship right (how sharply the tides would change in a matter of weeks).

His statement started getting me confused, so I was just looking at him. In my mind, I was thinking...

What nonsense is this one talking? The timing is not right? What exactly are you doing here, gisting for all these hours? These bonds we have been forging nko? 

I was confused, and I decided that I wasn’t going to go home confused, so I asked him…

“You have said you don’t want to ask people to be patient with you. Concerning you and I, what exactly are we going to do about us? Should we go home and continue chatting, building friendship, or should we just forget and just say hi once in a while?”

He sat back, paused, looked into my eyes, and said

“This is what we would do. We will go home now. For the next one month, you are free to ask me any question in this world, I will answer. I will also ask you any question in this world. You will also pray, and I would pray too. Exactly a month from now, we would meet again, and we would decide whether we are going to move on with each other or go our separate ways.”

At this point, I basically fainted in my mind.

Did this guy just tell me that in exactly a month from now, there are possibilities that my life would never remain the same?

He then added “Do we have a deal?”

I was weak, even though it was the most shocking thing I have ever heard a guy propose to a lady, of course, I couldn’t have said No so I managed to mutter “Yes.”

And from then, I entered the most emotionally stressful one month of my life in 2016.

Question: What would you do if a guy you liked told you and him to pray about each other?

Journey to marriage 6 - The Pivot point

A felt I shouldn’t have deleted him, but leave him alone cos it’s wrong for him not to have kept to his words. K, whom I narrated the whole story to, cos she wasn’t in on it from the beginning, felt I shouldn’t have deleted him, and I should have sent a message to tease him, about not keeping to his words, cos he should even feel privileged that a girl like me is interested in talking to him. She said it’s how you see yourself that matters. D wasn’t in the picture at this point.

So that weekend, K composed a very light friendly message, sent it to me to send to him, about just checking up on his Sunday in the spirit of being a good Christian, and not hearing from him for a long time. I didn’t want to play the Christian card, so I changed it the word “Christian” to affability, and sent to him, with the greatest reluctance ever, after sacrificing my pride.

He read the message about 3 hours later, chatted me up with one or two lines… and then…

He called me! He really called me.

Source

We talked and talked and talked.

Okay, not exactly. We only talked for like 25 minutes… mostly about work, ministry, purpose, etc. No, I didn’t ask him about why he didn’t keep to his word. nWhen the call ended, I kept thinking about how sound and intelligent he was. I had now gone from the level of curiosity to “Hmm, this guy doesn’t seem bad o.”

Now, I am going to speed up this story, and ditch the melodrama.

From that day onward, we chatted regularly, like every one or two days. His responses were delayed a lot, even though he was checking his whatsapp. It was like he was blowing hot and cold at the same time. I get that he was very busy, but I was also busy too. And I feel if you are interested in knowing someone, then you are interested, busy or not.

THE TRUTH: He was just holding back, and didn’t really know what to do with me.

For the next three weeks, we went back and forth. I would pull back for days when I sensed any indifference from his side, while screaming in silence, with the intention of blanking “this guy” for real this time around. He would then be forced to seek me out after not hearing from me for a while.
And no, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the fact that he wasn’t all ants on sugar on me. I wanted the overwhelming wooing, but all I got was someone trying to taste alomo bitters and squeezing his face. A said the overwhelming love will come late, but it was hard to believe.

So back and forth we went, me trying to be friendly without appearing desperate, one or two calls here and there.

On the Monday of week of my birthday, he had just come back from a burial in his hometown, and I had tried to reach him at the airport. Bad network wouldn’t let us be great. He called me as soon as he got back to Lagos that night, and we talked for over 3 hours. I felt that because of how close and open to each other we were getting, he would sustain the communication by more calls.

No way. I didn’t hear from him for the next three days, not even by chat. But I knew that if he found it my birthday was that week, and I didn’t tell him, he wouldn’t be happy. So I told Berry all that had been happening, how we had gotten a bit close, and had been chatting. She was very surprised cos none of us had told her we were still in touch, especially after the deleting episode. She was also surprised that even though we had been talking, we hadn’t gone for an official date.

Anyway, on the evening my birthday, I got a call from him. I thought it was just an ordinaty call, because Berry said she wouldn’t tell him, and the number of people who know my birthday can be counted on two hands. It is nowhere on social media.

So he calls and says “Happy birthday. I heard im the sixth person in the world who knows your birthday.” Aww, my hear melted. So he kept talking randomly, asking why I wasn’t celebrating, why I didn’t tell him before, etc.

And then I said “Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?”

I confess, this ingenuity was not mine. K was the one who told me to tell him about my birthday, and use this statement on him, so we could prompt it for a date if he had been thinking about it. But I said I couldn’t do it, cos I had become lily livered over the years. My scheming and manipulative life was basically dead. I didn’t call him, but I still got to use the statement.

So when I said “Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?” He paused a bit, and said let’s go out together on Sunday.

Wait, what??? Just like that. I am going on a date. I am going on a date. Woo hoooooo.

Source

And that... was how I landed the first date, exactly a month (28 days) after our first encounter.

Journey to Marriage 5 - Mind Tricks

You have spoken. I will be posting twice a week for now (Mondays and Thursdays). Depending on how slow or fast the story goes, I might increase the frequency. My major challenge is time.

A lot of people might be thinking “why did you have to delete him?” Couldn’t you just blank him without deleting him? The truth is people operate differently. For some people, it is easy for them to put someone away mentally, and move on to more important things. But for some others, especially people whose minds play tricks on them, and love control and manipulation, it is most times necessary to block all forms of access to such channels. That way, no matter how your mind does you, you will have to stay within your zone.

That was why I did what I did. I didn’t like all the whatsapp stalking, and mind games my mind was playing. I just wanted to gain control of my mind, and moved on.

Afterwards, I went back to Berry, and asked why she even introduced us in the first place. Did the guy ever ask to be introduced? I was trying to gauge whether he was even ready for anything, or if it was just for sport. She then mentioned differences that we had, and would complement each other, how he was getting serious with life, etc.

Anyway, I told her I deleted him, and she started screaming hell about how I was too serious with everything in life, how I overthink things, how I’m not fluid and dynamic, how I’m pressuring myself, how I could be so rash with someone I just met 4 days ago, etc.

She never defended me for once, or even mentioned that he didn’t keep to his word. It was all on me. At that point, I knew that no matter what happened between this guy and I, Berry would always take his side against mine. So Berry as my confidant was no more an option for me. But it didn’t matter, she had given up on us at that very moment.

Talking about confidants, there were three major people who helped me through intense period, without whom I would have lost my mind.

A – My pastor’s wife, who believed in us, and felt I should just let things run their course, start with friendship, and everything will fall into place, no matter how it ends

K – My very close friend, who felt the guy was already my husband from day 1, and was a fan of him, asking me to keep being friendly.

D – Opposite of K and A. She felt I should stay in my zone, and let him do every single pursuing. I should only be friendly when he has shown himself worthy.

Together, the three of them brought balance of perspectives. One thing they all had in common was they felt I take things too seriously, and you can’t put a formula to many things life.

Back to the story. Even though I had deleted him, it didn’t do anything to douse mu curiosity one bit. Closing loopholes has always worked for me in the past, but this time, it even fuelled the fire more.

Day 1 after deletion
I realised that even though I had deleted him from whatsapp and my contact, I hadn’t deleted his incoming call from my call log, so I went there, and deleted it. I was covering part of my eyes to delete it, cos I have a photographic memory when it comes to figures. I can just look at something, and it would stick there forever. So on deleting, my eyes accidentally caught a glimpse of the first five digits.

I already knew the last four digits from the time he gave me, after the day we met, cos they had lots of zeros.

Day 2 after deletion
I started wondering if he knew I had deleted him. Maybe there’s a way for whatsapp contacts to know they’ve been deleted. I even researched it, and didn’t find any conclusive evidence. Well, if that was the case, maybe he would realise I’ve deleted him, and see me as too serious and rash, and wonder what kind of weirdo Berry introduced him to.

Maybe I shouldn’t have deleted him. Oh my gosh, what did I do? This is how I have just lost a good person. Hmm… thinking about it let him be lost. It was his fault

 My mind started playing tricks again. But the reality was he’s been deleted, and forever gone… or so I thought

NO YOU CAN'T. Source

Later that day, I decided to guess the number and add him back since my curiosity hadn’t been cured. I knew the first five, and last four. If I could get the middle 2 right, then that would be it.

So I put the numbers together, added the middle two numbers I suspected, and that was it. I didn't have to try twice. It was his face staring back at me on whatsapp.

So yes, I added him back two days after deleting him, and life was beautiful again.

There was still no difference though. He was still a rubbish guy who didn’t keep to his words, and I wasn't going to initiate contact. Berry was completely out of the picture, and I moved on with my life… back to my serene singleness in just one week.

Have you ever had your mind play tricks on you when it comes to the matters of the heart?

Journey to Marriage 4 - Good Riddance?

Guys, first of all, I want to say thank you all for your comments. I respond to every single one of them.  I'm thinking I should make this series twice a week. It is coming on so slowly. If I continue at this rate, I would still be writing the preliminary part when I am getting married later this year.


From the day after we met for the first time, and the tribal sentiments vapourised from my mind, something set into my mind. Even though I had no feelings whatsoever for him, there was something else present.

CURIOSITY

I have never been curious about anyone in my life as I became curious about this guy. I wanted to know who he was, what he does, etc. Maybe my curiosity was fuelled because Berry never told me anything. I was blind before the meetup, and after the meetup, I was still blind.

The next day, my pastor’s wife, who is very close to me, asked how the date went. I said it was just there. She began to ask questions about the guy, and I couldn’t answer a single one. All I knew was his first name and phone number. She then asked when I was going to call him, I said “Never!” I began to protest. I can’t call a guy o. abeg, I don’t want anyone to think I am desperate. She asked me to call him since he had called the previous night… at least, to show myself friendly.

After church, I begged Berry to give me details about him. She finally gave me his surname, age, occupation, and church. She said that was all she could give me, and I should go and relate with him myself to know him better. She was being mean strict, and wasn’t going to fuel my laziness. She also asked me to call. Once again, I protested.

I chatted my sister up, and asked the strangest question… even to me.

You see… from the chats, I was so convinced that I would get married this year, even though I did not know the person. I was telling every single person I met. I was so sure. You see how my sister looked when I said I would meet, court, and marry in a year? I don’t blame her. Two weeks before then, I would have done the same.

In the chat, I referred to him as igbo, but in reality, I wouldn’t find out his tribe or the complications around it until much later. I only deduced Igbo from the surname Berry gave me. And forget the age thing. I wasn't 35 yet, as pointed out. Heck, I wasn't even 30 yet. We just feel parents begin to relax their rules when their kids get older, and we didn't want that to be my case.

Anyway, when curiosity got the best of me, I told Berry I was going to send him a whatsapp message instead to ask how his Sunday went (Berry’s idea). I still felt a call would make me seem too desperate.

So I chatted this guy up on Sunday evening. There was nothing fantastic about it. A bit of random politeness here and there, with like 5 to 15 minutes break in between some lines. He obviously wasn’t glued to his phone like I was. If he was, he wasn’t showing it. (Problem number 1).

Late into the night, the chat was going well, he asked about my routine, and said we would continue the next day, since we needed to go to bed.

I was sad, but the next day was just going to be 7 hours away

…or so I thought.

The next day, I expected to wake up to his chat…

Nothing… (problem number 2)

All through the  morning… nothing

Afternoon… nothing

Night… nothing

By this time, my CURIOSITY had gone into overdrive. It was a mixture of annoyance and curiosity. I mean, how would someone say they would do something, and not even do it. Why say you would chat me up, and then act like I don’t exist? Am I supposed to be chasing him? God forbid. Do you know how many guys are on my case

Puhleaaasseee… don’t even tell me something might have wrong with him. This guy was very alright. At least, he was active on whatsapp most of the day.

Yes… I monitored him on whatsapp. Please, don’t look at me like that, you would do the same to, lol.

Day 2
Morning… nothing

Afternoon… nothing

By this time, my mind was playing tricks on me. Had I appeared too desperate? What did I say wrong? Was the spirit of rejection all over me?

Who does he even think he is? Doesn’t he know I am the daughter of a king? How can he not keep to his words? I better get rid of this guy from my mind. He reminds me of Yemi, who is just a heartbreaker.

Night… nothing

Day 3
Morning… nothing

Afternoon…

I didn’t even wait for afternoon

I went to my whatsapp, went to my call log…

DELETE DELETE DELETE

What nonsense. This guy is bad news. I need to protect my heart. I don’t deal with guys without integrity.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

What do you guys think? Was I too rash in my actions? What would you have done in my case? Initiated another chat, even though you were the one who initiated the previous chat?