Journey to Marriage 11 - Much ado about tribe

I had decided that I was going to tell my mum about BH during the last week in March, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.

The thing about BH is that his tribe wasn’t straightforward, and I did not know what tribe to tell my mum he was.

I am Yoruba, and I have never been with a non-Yoruba person. I have never thought of being with a non-Yoruba person, or even conceptualised the idea. Ever since we were young, even before the age of 15, we knew we were supposed to marry Yorubas only. So there was no way my mum would start telling me at my age who to marry, cos we already knew.

Because of this, I wasn’t sure how my mum would react. If I were 24, I’m sure she would have spun her head around, and never agreed with the idea, but at this moment, I just didn’t know… not because I was older, but of past heartbreaks.

More importantly, I had told God, myself, and my friends that if truly God was involved in the relationship between BH and I, the most damning evidence would be total acceptance of us by every stakeholder, especially mum. Our least worry would be parental approval.

BH is a mix of delta and igbo. His roots are in delta, his father’s roots are in delta, but he’s of igbo lineage... just the Obama being from Kenya situation. Whenever anyone asks me, I just say he’s from delta, cos even though he has an igbo name and of that lineage, he’s never been raised as one.

So one day, I was lying on my bed, and I just felt a nudge to go and inform my mum even though it wasn’t yet the time I set for myself. I went upstairs to my sister’s room, and asked her to follow me to my mum’s room. The reason was that just in case my mum starts to object, my sister can join mouth in convincing her.

I said “Mum, I’m getting married o.”

It started with shock on her face, and I said “I met someone and we are getting married this year.”
Then it followed with excitement. And I was like

Oh, oh, I’m about to break this woman’s heart. 

Believe it or not, my mum was about to get on the floor, and kneel or roll.

My sister and I were like “No no mummy. Don’t be happy yet. Don’t get excited. There’s something we need to tell you. There’s something you need to know.”

Then she looked at us, and said “What is wrong?”

I said “Guess.”

She said “What is wrong? He’s not Yoruba?”

I said “Yes… but you will love him when you meet him.”

“Where’s he from?” I replied “Delta.”

And then the miracle happened.

She said “Who am I to stop you if that’s what you want?”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt? Adonbilivit.

This is my same mum who even gave us the configuration of Yoruba you could bring home, cos not all of them were acceptable for marriage.

“Where in Delta?” I told her.

I kept saying “Mummy, don’t worry, you will love him. He’s such a great guy. Once you see him, you will fall in love with him.” And that was the song I was singing into her ears all through cos to me, I felt it was important to elevate the person over the tribe, after all, people from all tribes have good character and bad character.

The next day she called me, and asked if I was sure I was doing the right thing, and not going with this guy because I was desperate. I told her that if it were desperation, I would have been with someone else cos he’s not the only person dancing around me.  That was the last time the issue of tribe came up.

A week later, I told my brother. He kept saying I’m not serious. I tried to play the same you-will-love-him-when-you-meet-him card, but it did not work.

He just kept saying “you are not serious”. I kept smiling and saying “I’m serious.”

He wasn’t happy about it at all… the tribal difference, short courtship and all. According to my brother, he was Igbo, no matter the explanation. When I told him that he’s a great guy, he said all guys are great to the women in their lives. No matter the defence, he wasn’t buying it. But he ended with the fact that I can do what I want since I’ve made up my mind, and not exactly seeking his approval.

BH and my brother are cool now, so I’m believing his first reaction was due to the shock that came with that kind of unexpected information.

After this, we set dates to physically meet all the powers that be.

First my pastor… who basically gave his approval cos BH is cool like that, lol.

Then his pastor… who believe I’m very good for BH, and we are good together

Then his mum: We travelled all the way to Asaba for this. She wasn’t happy about the fact that I was smallish (she’s not so tall herself). She’s so funny, and was really good to me. She made banga soup for me.

And lastly, my mum… whom BH was so eager to meet that he crashed my house just when we got back from Asaba, just to see her, before returning during the weekend for the official meeting.

Right now, everyone is family, and all hurdles have been scaled. The same friends who were sceptical cos they felt he rushed me, and rushed me to his mum are all very cool with us now. Cos even though we made the decision to get married very early, we intentionally pushed the date far. So it is not exactly a short courtship.

Now that we have all the required systemic support, we can now move into less important and juicier details of things like proposal.

Question: What do your parents think about intertribal marriage? Close or opened to it?

The making of Yoruba Demon(ess)es

The pressure on young ladies to get married is real. It is like if a man doesn’t find you, then do yourself a favour and find a man. Many women therefore hustle to get this done, and once this is achieved, Hallelujah, we can now move to stage two.

This stage is where things get comical, where the ladies have to insert themselves into their boyfriend’s families, especially in Yoruba culture. I have seen demons turned to angels, stingy girls suddenly become Santa Claus, introverts turned extroverts, just to make sure they are accepted at first. The ploy to spoil the in-laws is very real.

In Yoruba community, the communal culture and respect is very important. In-laws seem to have so much power. They can make or mar the woman’s marriage if the man is not strong or mature enough to shield his family from external influences.

I therefore see the fake smiles plastered on young girl’s faces when they are with in-laws, the unwilling courtesies bestowed on every family member, the loads and loads of bribes disguised as gifts. The thing is the in-laws know these things too, in many cases. But what do they care? After all, they are the beneficiaries of these things.

Coming from a very small and private family, I have always wondered I would be able to fake my way through this process. Thankfully, my mother always told me to be myself, and not to start what I can’t finish. There’s no need going to a man’s house, and fawning over your mother in law if you are not a natural fawner.

You hear Yoruba ladies who sight their in-laws, and they go “Oh mummy, you are looking so young, your skin is glowing o, mummy. This your hair, where did you make it? Ha, you like fixing? Don’t worry, when next I’m coming, I will buy Peruvian for you, bla bla bla.” They say all these, knowing 90% of everything is a LIE. She isn’t glowing or looking younger. In fact, her hair isn’t properly made.

I have seen a situation where there was a lot of fake fawning. It was so bad that I just had to walk away in irritation.

The unfortunate thing is that such acts cannot be sustained. After a while, the real person comes out, and the in-laws feel cheated because they feel the initial actions were just a front to get into the family, and they start saying things like the woman is a pretender. They might even tag her a Yoruba Demon who is just showing her true colour.

One of my closest friends is from a family of 4, i.e. she has just one sibling, her brother. She got married into a royal family. When she was courting, she used to tell me of how they used to be at the family house every weekend, cos there was always one party or the other. She would enter a room, and there could be as much as 50 in-laws seated in a circle. The bad part was that you couldn’t stand in the middle of the circle, and greet them all at once. Each in-law would require his/her own greeting. Even though my friend was a natural fawner, it was just too much. It was at that point I knew I could never get married into a royal family.

My friend has been married for 6 years now, and they don’t go to the family house or buy aso ebi every weekend anymore. They don’t do all those greeting of 70 people. In fact, they stay away as much as they can. It just wasn’t sustainable.

My opinion is that if you are a naturally polite, friendly, respectful and well-raised person, there won’t be need for fake smiles or shady compliments whenever you have to meet in-laws. Even if you are quiet and reserved, your character will shine through and speak for you. You will naturally understand that there are some places you shouldn’t go empty handed the first time. It won’t be bribery or effort to win people to your side so you can get the man to propose, it would just be second nature.

The main thing is just to be yourself, and people would love you for you.

Inside Wole Soyinka's Forest and other fun events

So I had the privilege to be one of the 70 spoken word artists/poets to perform at the WS80 project, Wole Soyinka's 80th birthday celebration, which took place at Lagos and Abeokuta between July 11 and 18, 2014. It was a real fun and eye-opening event, which culminated in some real sturves that looked like a scene from an Abija Awara movie, lol.

I did not really take pictures of the Day 1, which took place in Lagos, as I was too busy thinking of my performance. We moved to Abeokuta two days later, and enjoy the pictures below. And yea Wole Soyinka really lives in a forest, probably for spiritual inspiration from the heavenlies. Ijegba forest, to be exact. And no, you cannot go and visit him there. You will soon find out why, from one of the pictures below.

Day 2

I'm small. I know. No need to rub it in, lol

Wole Soyinka's birthday cake

Professor Niyi Osundare

Important people cutting the cake... where is the celebrant?

 Day 3

Famzing with Muta Baruka, a world-renowned legendary poet

Kuto cultural centre, Abeokuta where most of
the events took place

As we got to the movie reception, the first thing that greeted us were the faces of many important people in Nigeria, actors, actresses, corporate bodies, etc, (excluding politicians. I don't think they like Wole Soyinka or vice versa, lol). Unfortunately, I was too shy to go around and ask for pictures. The only drink was palmwine, which you had to drink with calabash. Even water was absent. And the snacks were kokoro and Adun, made with Epo pupa. It was at this point we knew we were in for some serious different stuff,

See this traditional centre mat

Yemi Sodimu: If you are one of those Nigerians who
wear Oleku, and you don't know this man, please
return our cloth to Tunde Kelani,

Do you remember the man on the right from
 all the Mount Zion movies you watch

And this picture below was the first message that greeted us at Wole Soyinka's forest residence.

Of course, since we are not trespassers, we all snapped pictures, and proceeded with confidence. And then...

Efun Worshippers started greeting us, and kneeling down for us. A lot of people were scared, saying "Hee, what is this?" lol. I even heard there was a lady around me speaking in tongues. As for me, I wasn't scared. Since I understand yoruba, I know there were just saying "You will live long, you will not die young, you will grow old..." basically traditional greetings they pass on to people who come to celebrate with the old. I was greeting the back with my simple "Ekale ma."

The below picture looks like I was transported into a scene of a babalawo shrine in a 1985 yoruba movie on NTA channel 7, lol.

Traditional lanterns. Forgotten what they are called.

We finally got to where we were to be seated, after walking through the forest for a while. The stage theatre was set up right in the middle of the forest. It was built my Zmirage. You would know that millions went down in setting up the whole drama. Colourful stage, colourful costume, excellent actors. Who said gret things don't happen in Nigeria.

I kid you not, Wole Soyinka was seated two rows behind me, watching his own drama, but you don't need the Holy Spirit to tell you not to approach him in such a setting, so I just pretended to be gentle, and not even allow the thought cross my mind.

Enjoy pictures of the stage drama, Dance of the Forest, written by Wole Soyinka at the age of 26 (@ilola, see your life). I wonder how he felt watching the drama. The drama was staged in the forest, as you know by now, and ran for about three hours

The actors ran away when the car drove in.
Don't be scared, it was part of the act

Can you see the tree spirit? lol

I tried to get a shot of the whole cast. They
were 203 renowned stage actors

Fireworks after the event was over

Governor Ibikunle Amosun of Ogun State.
The only politician who would not be eaten up in the forest

The governor and the people that put the drama together

We all got this gift bag by the Ministry of Culture and Tourism when we were about to leave the hotel for Lagos the next day. Guess what it contained... A calabash to drink palmwine, a traditional wrist bead, and a clay bowl lantern, that you would light up with Epo Pupa (called Fitila in Yoruba). I passed them all to my mum, lol. I was thinking I would get an iPhone.

I stayed at Green Legacy, Obasanjo's hotel, and actually saw him and his entourage walking around the premises, inspecting some things. I'd have taken his picture if he weren't too far from me. Oh well...

It was really a great event, despite the whole Efun stuff, babalawo scenes and all. I am glad I was part of this, and exposed me more the yoruba culture.