Bad Blogationships - Another Blogsville parody by Atilola Moronfolu

I know, I know. I promised myself to stay off blogsville gist, but I just couldn't resist this one. It’s a parody post of our relationships on blogsville. Some people might beef me for this, but trust me it’s not meant for mudslinging. It’s just for us to laugh, but it has a 100% truth in it. So here it goes

Parody terms

Blogationship- relationship
Bloygfriend- boyfriend
Have a blogationship with me – Follow me on blogger
Blicks and Blunches – Kicks and Punches
Die before your time - Leave blogsville while we still want you

When blogationships aren't working anymore, you can choose to do two things. Stay in it, be miserable and complain to every single soul in blogsville about your blogationship that has gone bad, or end that blogationship and move on. I am here to help you with examples of blogationships that are signalling whether to stay or move on

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1. Blogationships that drain you. They toast you all over the place. “Have a blogationship with me, you will never regret it.” They send twitter messages, facebook messages, drop comments, even appear at your home doorstep if you aren’t careful, just begging you for a blogationship. They send flowers, roses, chocolates, etc. “I love you, honey pie, sweetie pie, cookie crumble. Please, have a blogationship with me.” You finally decide they are nice and sweet because of the pleas and the gifts, and you decide to give them a chance. Voila that's the end you see of them. They ignore you like a vermin. No more comments on your blog, no more toasting, and they act like you don’t exist anymore. After all, they got what they want. You are the one now doing the commenting, toasting, gifting, etc. My dear, if you are mean like me, you would also drop them like its hot, and move on to better bloygfriends that truly love you.

2. Celebrity blogationships. They don't toast you. They are popular. You go to them, and you like what you see. They have all the gist happening in Nigeria, but they are addictive. They take your time, which really is money, they make you fight with their other bloygfriends all over their blog, maybe for their attention sef, and they don't even notice you, lol. Truth is anything addictive is bad. If you have work to do, please, move on from this blogationship. I remember following LIB. I unfollowed her after just 2 hrs. She was just all over the place on my dashboard, which is where I read my blogs from. And she almost made me miss the blog posts I really like. So I knew this celeb blogationship aint gonna work. Sorry I had to give a real life example for this one.

3. Blogationships that just aint working anymore. These bloygfriends also toast you. You visit their blogs, and you like what you see. You then decide to have a blogationship with them. Oh you are loving this blogationship and its going both ways. All of a sudden, they start changing. They don't blog about what they are known for anymore. They start swaying to the moves of the crowd, and they are getting attention for it, in form of traffic. You are wondering, “Where’s the sweet loving bloygfriend I used to have?” You miss your bloygfriend. So you talk to your bloygfriend and tell them your concerns, but in the end the choice is still theirs. They don't listen. You can do one of two things. Keep quiet, join the crowd and enjoy the new person your bloygfriend has turned out to be. Or if it’s bothering you too much, end the blogationship. There’s no right or wrong here. The choice is yours.

4. Vulgar blogationships. These are bloygfriends that toast you, you are not sure you like what you see but you still follow them anyway. You start a blogationship with them, and honestly they have nothing to talk about but how they slept with one married woman last week, a single woman this week, and a 19 year old next week. In fact they should have titled their blog, 'My Sexcapades'. After a year of this blogationship, you take stock and ask yourself what you've gained from this blogationship. Nada! Nothing! My dear, it’s time to move on. You are wasting valuable hours of your life that you could have used to make money, keeping that blogationship. But you can still keep the blogationship if reading about someone's sex life is your pastime.

5. Abusive blogationships. I think this speaks for itself. They toast you, you check out their blog, and you love what you see, so you start a blogationship with them. Suddenly, they start beating you or your friends up all over the place. They are best known in blogsville for their blicks and blunches. Whenever you see a post or comment from them, your heart starts beating fast before you read it because you are not sure if they'll throw e-grenades at you. They make your blood pressure rise, and cause you to land at the hospital. My dear, that blogationship aint doing you and your health no good. Do you want to die before your time? How would you take care of your blog-children if we lose you? End that blogationship right now!

So there it is. I'm sorry, I really tried to resist posting this, as in reality, I aint a trouble maker. I know it’s hard to believe, but trust me on that. Lol

So people of blogsville, please, just read, laugh and don’t take it personal. One more thing, forgive me if this offended you.

The Puff puff maker

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I have become perfectly skilled in the art of making puff puff, thanks to Chill and relax, the program which I have to host every month. Not like I wasn’t good wth making puff puff before, but my puff puff making skills reminded me for my digital electronics days back in university, where we had to work with binary codes, 1 today 0 tomorrow. Translation: I served you a perfect party puff puff today and a ‘wharraheck is this thing’ tomorrow. 

I have graduated from making a giant mass of amoeba, or as the secondary school students will call it, HamoEba, to making a kind of puff puff that would give 9jafoodie and dobby a run for their money.

You might ask yourself why I have to make for puff puff for Chill and Relax, when I could just buy cupcakes. You might even wonder why I am stressing myself, wasting my time, my mummy’s ororo, and the family gas cooker. Well, the money I get from Chill and Relax donations is very interesting. I have stopped wondering why some pastors shamelessly employ innovative means for their congregation to drop fat offerings. I don’t blame them, and I think I would have take more lessons from them. So if 30 something people want to come to Chill and Relax and hurdle around six tiny cupcakes, be my guest. Else, I am confined to making puff puff.

As you might be suspecting by now, this article really has no point. It is just a useless article to let you know three things

• I am a good writer, and inspiration can come from the basest things, even as base making puff puff
• To do a shameless publicity for chill and relax
• I am now skilled in the art of making puff puff. And if you doubt me, come for Chill and Relax. You yourself will testify.

Yay. I am still alive.

"It’s all because of Jesus I'm alive

It’s all because the blood of Jesus Christ

It covers me and raises this dead man's life

It’s all because of Jesus I'm alive"

                                        - Casting crowns

Don’t fear, this blog is still a writing blog, not a religious one, but I would be the most ungrateful if I do not testify the goodness of God.

I was coming from vigil on 30th of March when my car’s electric system my battery started shutting down bit by bit. It started with the dashboard function, the window, and automatic light. I turned on the light manually, hoping that since the car had already started, it won’t stop until I turned the engine off. Later, the light started shutting down completely, the horn stopped working, locks stopped working, the whole electric system. I was driving in the dark, and my lights were out. I was like if you will die, die on the island o, not on 3rd mainland, but I am still thinking since I won’t turn it off, the engine won’t die. I got on 3rd mainland and was going, if the dashboard functions were working, I'm sure I'd have known that the car won’t get me home. Cos I must have been going at 120 but the car must have been moving at 60. You know what… the car shut down completely!... In the middle of 3rd mainland… at 5:25am. Immediately I noticed it slowing, I knew there was trouble. I moved to the slow lane and believe it or not, I kept on pressing accelerator that wasn’t responding, my foot was shaking, sweating. Panic! I thought is this where my short life will end? In the middle of 3^rd mainland bridge? Everyone jokes about being stranded on the bridge at night. Some comedians say if you are stranded on the bridge at night, you jump inside the river or lock yourself in your boot, cos it will be better than what your eyes will see. People my case was worse, it was 5.25 am. Everywhere dark, people were sleeping. Suddenly, the comedians’ jokes didn’t seem funny anymore.

In the dark, I saw smoke coming out of my car. I was like, there’s no way I am coming out of this car by this time, in the dark. The only thing that would make me come out of this car is if it goes up in flames, so I stayed put.

I called my rewire and told him wasup, and then my credit finished after like 8 seconds. The phone that had the main credit was off due to a weak battery.  I started panicking like a Christmas goat. I didn’t know who to call at that time. So I sent BBMs to like 3 church people cos I felt they would still be awake, since we left church around the same time. Only one person responded.

People I was confused. I started singing “I plead the blood the blood of Jesus.” Then I prayed a bit and spoke in tongues small, so I could build an atmosphere of worship and no attackers would come, all the while, trying to get one church person to pick my rewire and drive back to 3rd mainland. The BB battery had almost died. If it died, that was gonna be the end cos they won’t be able to reach me again. My laptop was in the boot, and I knew that whatever happens, I shouldn’t step out of the car cos I would expose myself to the attackers that might be watching. I had gone from sitting in a car to sitting in an ordinary metal box. I couldn’t put on hazard light cos the electric system was down, so all the cars that were passing would almost reach me before seeing that there’s a dead metal box on the road, since it was still dark. I am sure those cars were either coming from vigils of clubs, since it was Friday midnight into Saturday morning. It was by God’s grace that I didn’t get hit.

After a while I just stopped worshiping and kabashing. It was a panic prayer mixed with faith, but I couldn’t do panic prayer for long. It’s just not my thing. So I just asked God to take control and laid back. I knew only two things could happen, I could lose my life and/or my possessions. There was no way I could lose the car. Whatever thief wanted to steal the car would have to come to start it with his own battery first, lol. But something just kept telling me that it was not time for me to die. So that left the loss of the possessions. After I kept scolding myself for not backing up the latest piece of story I had been writing, I calmed a bit, and just kept waiting for help. It wasn’t until past 6.00 am that it occurred to me to start hiding my possessions under the car seat. I hid my wallet, kindle, the dead phone and charger, iPod. I even hid my Hollandia yoghurt. Why should the robbers get to drink the yoghurt I bought with my money? Lol

At the end, I had my mini umbrella, lip gloss, watch, pen and some pieces of papers left in my bag. If the robbers came, I will just give them the bag. The weight of the umbrella will make it seem like there’s something there. I called the Lagos state distress emergency number. An automated voice said someone would be on the line shortly, and then it cut off. This happened twice. The emergency thing is just rubbish!

I turned off Twitter and Facebook on the BB that was already almost dead. Some guy pinged me by past 6 am asking if that was my hair in the pic, saying its beautiful. I was pissed. Who pings people by 6.00 am to strike up conversation? Obviously, the lady on the BB flyer was a model. I told the guy not to ping me again cos I was stuck on the bridge, I needed the last one bar I had left I that time.

A tolling van came. I don’t know how he knew I was there. Probably the same way robbers always know too. When he realised I didn't have money, he left without a word. He didn’t even offer to take me to the end of the bridge, even though he was going that way, at least that way I would be safe from cars that couldn’t see me and robbers. He left me there alone, wickedly. His face was the only face I saw until the rewire and my friend came.

I was grateful because they must have either gone back all the way to the island to turn or passed Ikorodu road to come out of Adekunle. Either way, they took a big risk for me.

Without a word, my rewire changed the battery, drove me home and took the car to his shop. I got home, thanked God preserving my life and properties, and typed this testimony.

I thank God for everything, that I am alive. I didn’t end up as one of the 3^rd mainland bridge casualty statistics, and wicked men did not find me.

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Aww, Vacation is over :(

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Okay, so my blog vacation is over. Phew. I am not sure I was eager to come back because from my google reader, it seemed like Myne and Eya were blogging every minute, and then no one else one blogging at all. Where is everyone o? Did people just disappear because I did? Lol.

Anyway, I am back, and trust me, I am back with a breath of fresh air. Seriously, I am coming with something new. I saw all the fights and all from my google reader. And after all that, something new is what we need in blogsville. I will be starting this in June. Anyway, just start sniffing around, and you might know what I am talking about.

In summary, I am back from my blog vacation, and you would be feeling my presence on your blogs.

And for people who think over-seriousness is worrying me, I think they should ask Michael Onobote, one of the bloggers I meet on a regular basis. With my sweet-mongering gymnastics and my wahala, I am sure he might have a different testimony. This is just a jara picture for you guys, so it won't be like I did not blog anything today.