Vain Body Journal: The Booty Enhancer and Her Clueless Instructor - Atilola Moronfolu

 

At the gym this week, I was minding my business with my weights when I saw an “unseeable” sight.

It was a lady in her 30s into 40s who had obviously surgically enhanced her body, and was using a standing inclined squat machine, with wobbly knees, tilted forward, squatting straight on her toes, and her rear enhancements pushed backwards.

She had no stamina and you could see she was struggling while her supposed “instructor” stood by watching her, asking her to go.

I knew there and then that somebody’s knees were about to be shattered. If that lady did 50 of that, her knees were going to be toast. After contemplating whether I should “put mouth” in this matter, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I whispered to Mr Instuctor… she is going to ruin her knees and he was like “she will ruin it, shey”

It was then I knew that this guy was no instructor, but had the unfortunate advantage of having an athletic build. He didn’t know what he was doing and was a disaster in motion. It was so sad that Miss booty enhancer chose to look on the outside and decided this guy was going to be the one to make her body enhancement stand the test of time.

The thing about shattering your knees during workout is that your life will never remain the same. The workouts you will be able to do will be limited and life won’t be as sweet. You won’t be able to do some Dance steps, whether you are komole-ing in church or twerking it like it’s hot in the club. You won’t be able to climb the stairs without pain. You won’t be able to run, jog, squat or lunge. Even after surgery, you will never get back your knees again. To put it in summary, weak knees are any agile person’s nightmare.

Anyway, Mr instructor took the machine from her and tried to show her how to do it correctly. I was more pissed because he was doing it wrong. He was doing it exactly how she was doing it, and his knees were also tilting forward. I was hurt to my very chest but I kept quiet and faced my workout while they kept at the eyesore

While working out, I kept thinking about how numerous guys in the gym had helped me in the past when I was doing something wrong. How one saved me from hurting my back when I was doing deadlifts the wrong way, how one showed be the ropes when I was doing diagonal core twist the wrong way, etc. The truth is some of the good results I have achieved in my workout journey is because some people took the liberty to point me in the right direction when I was obviously missing it, even when I didn’t ask for their opinions

The issue here was that no one would want to tell the guy and the girl they were messing up because he was supposed to be her instructor and it might be touchy to point him out as a quack who didn’t know what he was doing.

Anyway, I finally succumbed to the voice in my head telling me to save this woman from the lifetime of regrets she would face with shattered knees if she carried on with this foolery for the next 30 minutes. I walked up to the guy and told him they were doing it wrong and showed them know to incline their bodies and their knees. He thanked me and they whispered one or two things to each other and left the machine for good.

At least, I’m happy I had done my duty to her knees. Hopefully he doesn’t end up damaging it with a more complicated one in another section of the gym

So tell me… should I have minded my business

I'm giving away Free Hand Sanitizers

African Naturalistas Hand Sanitizers

I have decided to contribute my quota to clamp the COVID19 global epidemic, by giving African Naturalistas customers free hand sanitizers. Here's how I got the idea.

Two weeks ago, I was at O'Naturals salon, and the owner was sharing hand sanitizers to some of her hair stylists. I noticed how the stylists were glad to have these sanitizers, which had then become like gold, as I inwardly rolled my eyes and scoffed,. "sanitizers! Ordinary sanitizer, something I can make in less than one hour... abi what did I go to cosmetic science school to learn if I can't make such a simple product like hand sanitizer?"

Thank God I immediately caught myself. It was then I realized that the precious stones the whole world was dying to have, I could basically offer it to them... for a fee or for FREE. I instantly called the owner of O'Naturals Beauty and said, "this thing you are buying and giving out, you know I can give all of you, and you won't pay anything. In fact, I am going to give all my customers Hand Sanitizers for FREE." Yes, I know my colleagues in the industry are currently selling them for an arm and a leg, but until I get the release in my spirit to do the same...all our customers will keep getting free Hand Sanitizers with their orders, as long as the Corona Virus, COVID19 is still with us.

You don't need to do anything special, join any contest or anything similar. As long as we receive your order, and we ship to you, the free Hand Sanitizer comes with your order.

We are in the era of fear mongering, and people are cashing in on the fear to make a quick buck, such as selling unsafe, uncertified sanitizers. In Ojota, people are making sanitizers by the thousands, under sheds, beside dumping grounds, so let's be guided. Like every other product of ours, our Hand sanitizer is manufactured in a NAFDAC approved factory, and by a certified Advance cosmetic scientist.

Most importantly, let's always remember to frequently wash our hands with soap and water. Stay away from crowded places, and do not attend events if they are not necessary.

You can get your own FREE Hand Sanitizer by placing an order for African Naturalistas Product(s) with us by

1. Calling 07061141501
2. Sending a whatsapp message to 08091377699
3. Clicking here, place your order, and add a free Hand sanitizer to the cart

HOW TO ELIMINATE SEASONING CUBES FROM YOUR DIET

Hi guys,

It is interesting how since I stopped bloggong as frequently as I used to, the blog post with the most views is "HOW TO ELIMINATE SEASONING CUBES FROM YOUR DIET". If someone had told me this when I was writing that post, I wouldn't have believed. I have people asking me left, right and centre, how this can be done.

I have been working on some things this year, and one of them was creating a short e-book about

MSG replacement recipe for healthy meals. And here is why

Do you know???
That eliminating seasoning cubes from your meals can make you live longer, healthier, reduce inflammations, several diseases and disorders?

This is because seasoning cubes contain MonoSodium Glutamate (MSG), which is an artificial flavor enhancer that has been linked to many diseases, even though the processed food industry will want you to believe otherwise

The problem now is… how can you eliminate seasoning cubes and powders from your meals, and still get them to be tasty and delicious, you know, make sure your spouse and kids don’t begin to ask your what nut went loose in your head that you are serving them this bland meal in the name of eating healthy?

Well, you don’t have to fear. For years, I have been cooking delicious meals with using seasoning cubes, and you won’t even have a clue that the food wasn’t seasoned artificially. I have shared my recipes with close family and friends over time, and due to popular demand, I have decided it is now time to share it with you, and help you live a healthier life

I am now revealing to the whole world my secret mixes of natural herbs and spices, all in the form of an e-book. I teach how to prepare natural seasonings for regular meals such as soups, stews, jollof rice, fried rice, etc

Healthy food doesn’t have to mean bland food

You can preorder your copy by clicking here. It is just N5,000 if you take action now

Feb 29 to Mar 3 – N5,000.00

Mar 4 to Mar 7 – N7,000.00

From Mar 8 – N10,000.00

The Vain Body Journal: Sixteen types of women you find in the gym

A year ago, I gave up on home workouts, and signed up at the gym. Even though I am not much of a gym buddy, I am very observant, and I am writing this funny fitness post from what the few things I observed. Read, enjoy, and share.

1. The oppressors
These ones have a banging body, and they know they have a banging body. They walk into the gym with confidence, with shoulders up, aware of both male and female eyes on them, and they love it. They came to oppress, and the more eyes that ogle them, the more accomplished they feel.

2.The snap back gang
These ones just had a baby, and are desperate to get their pre pregnancy shape and weight back. It doesn’t matter how their health is affected. Whenever they remember their days of past glory, it inspires them the more. Who cares about breast milk supply or a crying baby? They are the ones who will come to the gym with a new born baby. And if they have more than one child, they hire one nanny for every additional child they have. They will come to the gym with their whole entourage if that’s what it takes.

3. The club bangers
We know Nigerians love to party but these ones take dancing to the next level. They constantly have headphones on, dance while walking round the gym, dance on the treadmill. And when the class instructor is dishing out steps, they turn it to dance. Instead of them to do a side step, they do salsa. Instead of squatting, they twerk. Na so so dance full their head

4. The husband searchers
These ones come to the gym, claiming to lose weight but you never find them in the cardio section. They always loiter around the strength section where they believe the strong eligible bachelors are, yet they don’t lay a finger on the machines. They are always smiling and shining teeth with the men there, praying someone takes their phone number.

5. The gold diggers
They are similar to the husband searchers but they are always shaking bum bum up and down, and are more intentional with their search. They only want the big boiz who can fund their lifestyle, and not some broke yahoo boy wannabe who doesn’t mind spending the entire day at the gym

6. The "I too knows"
These ones get to class first, and are always in front. Their goal is to nail every single move of the instructor to the tooth. Mistakes send them to depression. If this were school, they would be called efiko

7. The single-minded ones
These ones came to the gym for just one thing... to be fit. All other things are distractions. They don’t mingle with people, they don’t joke, and definitely don’t shake bum bum up and down. They are focused on their goal, come into the gym at a particular time, workout, attend class, and get out.

8. The baffers
They have the most beautiful gym wear and trainers. They match it up with interesting accessories like the sport hat, head band, ankle braces, knee braces, hand bands, water bottles, etc. Their sports wear game is tight because they have invested heavily in it, and they are peppering everyone with it by showing off

9. The networkers 
These are more interested in striking profitable relationships than keeping fit. The come ready with their business cards, marketing pitch and product catalog. They talk with people but are strategic about it. If your portfolio seems attractive to them, they position themselves next to you in the weights section and stylishly strike a conversation with you.

10. The gossips
These ones know the stories of everyone in the gym. They know the car everyone drives, where everyone lives, who is eyeing who in the strength section, who does more cardio than strength, who hasn’t dropped 1kg after 7.5 months at the gym, etc. No matter how much of “the single-minded ones” you think you are, they got something on you, and they will share this juicy information amongst themselves

11. The self deceivers
These ones will spend 5 hours at the gym, burning 1000 calories, and head straight into to mega chicken afterwards to down 2500 calories in form of two loaves of milk bread and 3 bottles of chilled coke

12. The envy of the class
These are by far the best students in class. The instructor always uses them as example and motivation. They are the instructors’ best friends because they are evidence that he’s doing a good job. They partner with the instructor for doubles and everyone just wished they could be like them in class

13. The last resort
These ones are desperate to lose weight, either as a result of health complications, constant complaints from their husbands, or a sudden awakening to the fact that if they don’t change their unhealthy habits, it would lead to an unpleasant end. They always ask questions and are very attentive. They might not be “the envy of the class” or “the I too knows”, but they always make an effort

14. The class monitor
They are always on correction mode, pointing out everyone’s flaws in class during routines. They let you know how you are not bending well, how your back is not straight, your knee is not touching your chin, etc. Instead of them to concentrate on their own routines, they are bent on cherrypicking the flaws of others

15. The lazy ones
They have this constant mindset that they are too heavy to lift their feet off the ground, hence they don’t push themselves. If the instructor tells them to bend and raise hands, they will stand and throw hand. They can’t touch their toes, can’t raise their hands, can’t jump, can’t bend, can’t do anything. The only reason you know they are not paralyzed is that as soon as the instructor gives 2 minutes break, they join the club bangers gang and start doing zanku. It makes you wonder why they even bother coming to the gym in the first place

16. The groupies
They don’t do anything on their own. They are always in groups, skipping in groups, doing jumping jacks in group, doing HIIT in groups, etc. They find encouragement to continue with their fitness journey only when they team up with people of like minds. You never find these ones doing things like treadmills or ellipticals because those are solo exercises. And of course, they never attend classes since it will mean having to listen to the instructor, along with everyone else, and putting their groupie goals on a hold

Do you go to the gym? Is there any type of women that I haven't mentioned? Please, let's know in the comment section

The Vain Body Journal: There's a new Celeb in town!

My days at the Gym have been going on well. I strive to make a minimum of 4 days in a week, though I almost did 5 days last week, but laziness got the best of me, lol. Have I lost weight since I started? I don't know but I think so. The thing is I didn't weigh myself before I started gyming so there's really nothing to compare with. One thing I can say is that I feel better internally, and my body is a bit more toned. If I keep at it, all my muscles will be popping in a few years time, lol.

Now guess who the most popular member of the gym is?
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The Vain Body Journal: I'm in love with the Shape of You

As you all know, I’ve been going to the gym for about two weeks, and I’m loving it so far. I am now more physically active than I was, I know have to deal with the guilt that used to plague me daily about me not working out.

I found out that the gym is a good place for networking, though I haven’t started doing that because I just have one hour to spend at the gym in the morning before I resume work, so right now, “ain’t nobody gat time for that…”

Anyway, one morning, as I was dressing up to leave, a lady came in to the dressing room. First thing I noticed was that she really had a great figure but her stomach was protruding. She was slim, but not very slim, slim with the right amount of hips, butts, and breast. If not for her stomach, she would have been a perfect hour glass. I automatically assumed that she’s just someone with a great figure, but just had a baby. She changed to her gym shoes, brought out a workout waist belt, which is the rave on social media, and wore it.

I them asked her if she just had a baby. She smiled with a surprised look on her face, and said “Me? No o. I am not even married.” I wondered who sent me message, but quickly improvised the situation, and said “Oh, sorry. I was asking because of the belt you are using. Please tell me, does it work?” She said it works a bit. She can even wear the belt all day, only that it will make your shoulders look abnormally bigger than your body. I thanked her, and told her it was important for me to know because I just had a baby (even though I really wasn’t interested in the belt. I was just making conversation because I really liked her figure, and wanted to let her know without being weird).

She went on to say she doesn’t have any child. The only issue is that she adds weight in her stomach region when she’s growing bigger, so she wants to work on her stomach so she can add weight in other regions while keeping her stomach flat.

All the bells in my head immediately rang at the same time, and my mind went

BLASPHEMY!

I screamed “Nooooooo, please don’t add weight. Your figure is perfect. Why would you want to do this? Just work on your stomach. People are killing themselves in the gym to have a body like yours.”
This lady wasn’t fat, wasn’t thin. The closest person I can compare her with is Ciara so you can understand better. I was just so surprised that someone who looked like that wasn’t happy with her body, so I just told her that “Well, I understand. We ladies are never 100% happy with our bodies, no matter how good it is. There’s always something we think can be better about it.”

She went on to say that it is not that she isn’t happy with her body, but she realized that people don’t respect her because of her body structure. They take her for granted because she doesn’t have the body mass to go along with whatever respect she wanted to command. To summarize the whole story, her figure was sabotaging her!

In my mind, I was like “what is this woman saying? So what does she want someone like me to say? I am short, petite, and not fat. Should I jump inside the river? Lol.”

In my own opinion, and according to my own experience, people might take you for granted when they first see you, but if you are good at your craft, know your onions, and are confident in the way you speak and carry yourself, once you open you open your mouth, everyone will take a seat. This is my opinion and I stand by it.

I made my opinion known, and she agreed. Her major worry though was the lack of respect given to her before she even opens her mouth to speak. However, I begged her not to add weight because people were dying to have her body. I told her how she would love this body in her mid-forties and fifties, when she doesn’t really age fast. We laughed over it, she kept thanking me for the compliments, and she said she won’t add it again.

As for me, I pondered on the irony. When it comes to body goals, many of us are not satisfied. We want what others have. Fat people want to be slim, slim people want to be fat. We want to be taller, we feel our legs are too long. We want bigger hips, while some are paying for hip reduction surgery. We wear coloured contacts, while some hate their naturally-coloured eyes. It goes on and on and on. We are always in love with other people’s body. We might as well be looking at other women out there singing “I’m in love with the shape of you.”

So at what point do we say “look at my body. I am 100% happy with it, and I wouldn’t change a single thing in it for the world.” I will be honest enough to admit that I haven’t gotten to that point yet. Please, let me know if you have or haven’t.

The Vain Body Journal: The Decision

Last Sunday, I came out of the blues, and decided that it was time, I have finally decided that enough is enough. I can’t take this anymore.

I would start going to the gym!

No, I am not big or fat or anything of that sort...

But still, I didn’t like my body. In my own estimation, my hips were flabby, bigger than they were before childbirth, I had “church mothers” arms, and my stomach hasn’t gone down totally (I’m not as bothered about this as I should be because if I’m going to be having another child, then why go to the stress to flatten something that would most likely protrude shortly after?). Anyway, I wasn’t just feeling myself, and I was unhappy about it, so I decided to take the bull by the horn.

I would like to state some underlying factors that made me start going to the gym.

Firstly, I believe every lady, no matter how modest they are, has something she is either vain, obsessed or near-obsessed about. It can be looks, fashion, shoes, fit-fam, cosmetics, hair, power, control, children, books (for the nerds), etc. For me, it is MY BODY. I won’t even lie or hide under the docks about it. I love to look at my body, and be okay and confident with it. If I am not okay with it, I won’t be 100% happy, and I will keep working and ranting till I get to the point when I am okay with it. A lot of things contributed to this vainness though, but there’s no need to mention them here.
When I told my husband that I was going to start gyming, I told him it’s because of some things, including not liking the way I look and feel. He said he likes me this way. But as far as I was concerned, if I don’t like it, that is what matters, since it is MY body, and I am the one stuck in it for life.

Secondly, I have always been team healthy-eating, healthy-living. Everyone who knows me or reads this blog knows that. For some years, I have been that lady who works out daily. I stopped in my first trimester because of nausea and vomiting, and resumed in my third trimester. I stopped again after delivery, and resumed 2 weeks later (just running at first). I kept trying to tailor the workouts to my new life demands, switching from mornings to night, styles to styles, etc. After a while, I just fell off the bandwagon because of time constraints. And for about three month, it had been hard to get back there. I had previously decided to be leaving my nanny at home with my son instead of us all going to work together, so I could trek to work and trek back home, which will take me about 1 hour 30 minutes per trip, but when my nanny disappeared, I ditched this plan because I need to get super-used to this new one before I leave her alone with my son. I then decided that maybe this home workout programs isn’t okay for this phase of my life… at least, till I get my grind back.

Lastly, I am a money manager, and I like to get the value out of every penny spent. I’m not a fan of paying for gym memberships when I can do the workouts at home. However, I know that at this point in my life, accountability is what I mostly need. If I can’t be accountable to myself, I will be accountable to my money, lol. If I bring my hard-earned cash, and pay for gym membership, lord knows I will squeeze everything out of that money, thereby making me get my desired results.

So yes, many changes are happening in my life, and going to the gym is one of them. What about you? Do you work out? Do you do it at home or at the gym? Which is the most effective for you, and why? Let’s know in the comment section.

P.S: I realize that I’ve been getting a lot of writing inspiration whenever I’m at the gym, so I will be doing a gym/workout/health/fit-fam series, from time to time, the first of which is this post. The name is of course, the Vanity Body Journal. I hope you all like it. Have a great week

Unbelievable Nanny Woes (2)

Hello people, hope you had a great week. I just want to update you on how my nanny woes continued, and eventually ended. I you haven't read the first post where I documented my nanny woes, you can read it here.

As at the time I wrote last week's post, I was waiting for three candidates to come to my house to be interviewed. I eventually interviewed them, and two of them stood out for me. I was quite impressed with them, their willigness, exposure, and other things, even though I was not okay with distance of their houses from mine, since it is a live-out job.

I decided to go for the lesser evil. She resumed the next day, did some cleaning in the kitchen, and prepped her food. On our way to work, we took a detour for nanny medical test. Her bloodwork was done, and we waited for the result.

When the attendant came out, she was like "Madam, carry your child." I instantly knew something was wrong, and I was like "Oh no, not again."

She had Hep - B, and was therefore not qualified to work as a nanny or in a restaurant. I was devastated, the girl was devasted. She kept begging me not to tell the agent (she was more concerned about the agent knowing than about the status of her health). She said she didn't want any of f her family members to know, but I told her she needed to get to the doctor to treat herself, and test her 3-year old daughter to know if she's infected. I doubt she listened to me though. On my own part, I had to disclose the truth to the agent so that he wouldn't send her to another family, who might be too carefree to carry out the appropriate tests. I also needed to get an immediate replacement, as the development threw a spanner in my wheel for that day.

I immediately called the second choice to resume the next day, even though she wanted to live-in. I had to increase her salary a bit because her house was much farther than the first choice. We did her medicals, and everything was fine. She's quite smart and literate. My only issue with her is that she said she is going back to her town in December, and might not come back because the stress in Lagos is too much for her. I was quite pissed cos if she had told me before, I probably wouldn't have employed her and done the medicals for her. I've informed the agent to start loooking for other options for me for that time.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

I went on a Postnatal weight maintainance (diet), and here’s what happened

Hi guys. Hope we are all doing well? A month ago, I wrote about going on my first ever intentional diet and my reasons for doing so. I then followed it up with the reason why I chose to adopt a healthy lifestyle. You can read about that here.

Well, thank God. The diet period is over. I made it through the 30 day program. Did I achieve what I set to achieve? Well, I will write about that at the end of this post.

So what I did was follow the Whole 30 program. You can read more about it here. The Whole 30 thing is not a weight loss program, but it was one of the reasons I chose it… because I wanted to drop some stubborn water weight. The other reason was because I wanted to correct some inexplicable cravings.

Was it easy?
For me, it was. I took care of my snacking challenge by making sure I had enough healthy fruits around me. I was snacking on orange, carrots, bananas, etc. I don’t believe in reducing portions because it would only make one hungry. I believe more in replacing with healthier options, hence my replacement with fruits as snacks.

The Whole 30 program is very friendly to Nigerian menu. Even though there’s a lot you cannot eat, there’s still a lot you can eat, as long as you know how to switch things up, and combine well. I ate loads of plantains, eggs, potatoes of all kinds, potato and plantain porridge, etc. If you love swallows, you will love this diet. I’m not a swallow person so I didn’t take that route. As for Nigerian soups, you can do anything you like, as long as you are not using MSG (Seasoning cubes).

The Challenge
Not being able to steal my husband’s suya, lol. On a serious note, this diet is not friendly to eating out. You basically have to prepare your meals, which wasn’t an issue for me, but there were one or two times when I absolutely had no time on my hands to cook. I depended on fruits in times like these.

Was I tempted?

The Disturbing trend of Baby Skin-Bleaching

There is a disturbing trend going on amongst new mothers in Nigeria, and it emanated from the glorification of light skin. It comes from the fact that many people elevate people will light skin over those with darker skin. It has always been an issue amongst black African adults, but many of us never guessed that it would be such a cancer that would permeate into the choices we make when we raise our children.

As a mother to a fairly light skinned baby, you get to hear comments like "Oh wow, he’s light. That's nice." To be honest, that is not an issue for me. The issue is when people start to compare their babies’ skins, with inference that the lighter the baby, the more beautiful.

This menace has gotten so bad that mothers are toning bleaching their babies’ skin. Oh yes. We now lie to ourselves saying things like “we are maintaining the colour of the baby’s skin. We don’t want the baby to lose the light skin, and be darker.” But who really are we kidding?

Firstly, if the baby is truly light, why does the skin colour need to be maintained? We know that to maintain the shine and true tone of a skin, what you need is to bathe the baby well, oil well, or moiturise well. A dash of Shea butter here, A teaspoon of Coconut oil there, and you will be maintaining the skin colour well. But when we begin to act like science students, using our innocent babies’ skins for experiment, mixing shea butter with Funbact-A, we are no more “maintaining” jack. Some mothers even mix the shea butter with other bleaching ingredients, while others outrightly use “toning” serums and bleaching creams. What is wrong with us?

My motivation for adopting a Healthy Lifestyle

Hello people. Like I mentioned in my last week's post, I will be talking about why I chose to intentionally adopt a healthy lifestyle, even though it is not the default mode. Long before the fit-fam thing became a craze, thanks to social media, I have always been mindful of my diet. You can read more about it here

For me, it was never about being skinny or losing weight. I have always been petite, and wasn't interested in losing further weight, lest my sexy hips disappeared, lol. In fact, it was the fear of losing weight that delayed me from starting to work out on time, till I gained more knowledge about how to have a healthy work out lifestyle and not lose weight, and started working out 4 years ago.

1. I eat healthy because of my digestive system

As at 2009, my body stopped being compatible with the regular Nigerian carb kind of life. So if I eat bread in the morning, rice in the afternoon or evening (I can't eat 3 square meals), and continue with this kind of life, I'm asking for trouble with my digestive system. My body started being on heavy demand for fibre. By 2010, I had learnt my lesson over and over again that I became a chronic vegetable soup consumer. It was basically small rice, plenty veggies for me. So even if I didn't want to be fit, my body required it from me

Later, my body rejected milk and dairy, cruciferous vegetables, and then some other stuff. The whole story is here.

2. The idea of being sick makes me sick

Intentional Post-Natal Weight Maintenance

It’s official. I am in another phase of my life, and I have admitted it. *covers face*

This is evidenced by the fact that for the first time in my life, I am intentionally going on a diet. I’ve always been a stickler for eating healthy, and have always maintained a good figure and body weight. My stomach was the only thing that grew big when I was pregnant, apart from the time I had water retention issues after the times I got back from the hospital. The saga forced me to increase my intake of fruits and water.

I wasn’t well informed about the things that could happen to a woman’s appetite while she’s breastfeeding. I began to surprise myself when I started craving for sweet and creamy things. I researched the possible reasons, and discovered that it is a pretty normal occurrence in breastfeeding women. I began to be more conscious from then on, and then my body started holding on to water weight. Apparently, I am supposed to wait till I completely wean my child from  breastfeeding until the last water weight drops.

Even though I am not fat, and my wardrobe didn’t change, I am not currently at my pre-pregnancy weight (51kg). I believe that will happen when I completely wean (I just stopped exclusive breastfeeding yesterday). I don't really take a lot of pictures but I was able to find a picture of me wearing my court wedding dress two months ago. And this is how childbirth and breastfeeding has affected me.

Don't Call me Mama (10) - Let me tell you something about E-PI-ZI-YO-TO-MEE

Happy new year to every single person reading this blog post. May the year 2018 bring you all your heart's desires and God's will for your life.

When I became pregnant, I read every single thing I could about pregnancy. I became a walking encyclopaedia. I read books, forums, apps, etc. As informed as I got myself to be, one thing I never paid much attention to was

EPISIOTOMY

I took it like one of those topics we skip in science subjects because we really don’t like them and hope they never show up in exam questions. And even when they show up, we find ways to avoid them because there are four other questions we can toy with, in the “answer three out of five” instruction we have been given. In our world, they don’t exist.

Because I did not take episiotomy seriously, it was not surprise that I never really prayed about it. To be honest, when I was informed that they would do an episiotomy on me because I was too small, I didn’t know the postpartum implications until they started taking place in my own body.

For those who don’t know, episiotomy is when the doctor tears you in your perineal region so they can bring the baby out easily. They usually perform this when the baby is too big to come through your vaginal area, and they don’t want the baby to tear you.

I consider episiotomy to be a caesarean section done on the vaginal area. Period!

After my labour, my epidural wore out, and a couple of hours later, I knew that there was something in the dictionary called PAIN. I was on heavy dose of pain medication every four hours. Urinating was hell, standing was hell, sitting was hell, I could not function without pain medication. I was literally looking at the clock to see when it was going to four hours from my last medication.

I got discharged almost two days from the day I walked into the hospital, and the degree of my suffering went to another level. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t use the other rest room, so I became constipated. Almost 48 hours after I walked out of the hospital, I went back to my doctors. I was in so much pain that I was crying as I explained my plight to the doctor. As far as I was concerned, my life was over.

Don't Call me Mama (9) - Labour is not that serious. Or is it?

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope we are all staying home, having a great time with family and friends. This fuel scarcity and traffic doesn’t have part 2, but we will still have a great time this holiday season because we choose to not let our spirit be down. I have a Christmas gift for you towards the end of this post

We are almost at the end of this series, and I’m very happy I went through with it. Without much talk, here goes my labour experience.

I always thought that when labour contractions start at home before you go to the hospital, the woman will be screaming and sweating and rolling on the floor, then she will stop and then start again. Or at least, if she doesn't scream, she will at least be moaning in pain

So continuing from last edition, when my labour started, I only knew because my contractions became more frequent. When the castor oil kicked in the contractions, I kept walking to and fro in a straight line in the living room for 2 hours and watching tv at the same. When the timing between contractions shortened, I knew I was definitely in labour. And when my mucus plug came out sometime later when I was on the phone, I knew there was no question about it. I casually said to the guy I was talking to on the phone

“I’m going into labour. You are the only one who knows now. Don’t tell the others yet. I will be a mother by this time tomorrow, and I will send you guys the picture of the baby.”

The guy was like “Oh wow, okay… congratulations.” I’m sure he must have been confused about what to say to me and how to respond because one minute we were discussing, and the next thing, I tell him I’m in labour, and then we keep discussing like nothing happened.  

After this time, I wanted to stay back home for one more hour just to be sure especially since I didn’t want to be charged for false labour at the hospital. I guess because I wasn’t screaming and rolling all over the floor, I didn’t want to take it too serious but my mum convinced me that it was time to go to the hospital. It was when I got into the car that I realised the reason I wasn’t feeling so much pain even though the contractions were very real.

I had gone through this process before but more severe and painful when I had the red degeneration of fibroid, so my pregnancy contractions were like child’s play compared to it.

Before I left for the hospital, I left a message for my husband about the development. My mother later said I shouldn’t have done that, so that I would just come out of nowhere and surprise him with a baby, lol. Apparently, she was just about to find out that my husband and I are gossip buddies number 1, and found it hard to keep things from each other. When I got to the hospital, the first nurse I met kept looking at me with suspicion like “girllll, you can’t be in labour right now.”

She kept asking questions “when is your due date, how severe is your pain, when was the last time you experienced contraction/pain?”

All I heard was “yeah right! Labour indeed. Madam, go home and don’t waste my time. You are not in labour.”

Anyway, she examined me. I expected that I was going to be about 1cm or 2cm dilated. My people, I was 5cm gone!

Don't Call me Mama (8) - How to manipulate your delivery date

I'll skip my journey to the US for delivery because there was nothing special about it except that they didn't know I was pregnant especially because of the kind of top I wore. I told the immigration officers though, and all I needed to provide was evidence that I had enough money to sort my bills out.

I moved from New York to Houston to have my baby and then to San Antonio one week after delivery to wait for six weeks before returning to Nigeria.

By week 38, I was so ready to pop but my baby wasn't ready to come out, I guess.

I'm on a regular cycle of 26 days so I had 2 estimates due dates, one for 28 day cycle and another for my own 26 day cycle, which was just 2 days before the 28 day cycle one.

When I was 39 weeks, I was still 1cm dilated which is what I had been for the previous 4 weeks so I was slightly worried cos I didn't want to be induced to labour. I kept hoping that I would go into labour somewhere between 39 and 40 weeks but it didn't happen.

I had been researching the use of castor oil to induce labour naturally and after many considerations, I decided to use it on my 26 day cycle EDD.

Now here's the deal about using castor oil to induce labour

Don't Call me Mama (7) - I solved the Mystery behind women eating their unborn children

“There’s a problem with your result.” The doctor said to my husband and me as he took an intense look at my medical report.

I was getting ready to leave the country to continue my pregnancy journey, and I had to take all necessary tests along with me even though the new doctor I was using said they would still take their own tests. I decided to take tests in Nigeria, so I would be armed and equipped with all my medical records.

“What could be the problem?” I thought. At least, I was sure I wasn’t HIV positive. I had read that much from the medical report.

“You said this is your first baby. Right?” The doctor continued.

“Yes sir.”

“And you have never been pregnant before.”

“Yes sir.” I said emphatically. “Even this pregnancy sef ehn, I was dashed by force.” I thought.

I think what I was hearing was, “If you have been pregnant before, now is the time to confess.”

“Your test says you are rhesus negative.”

"Okay, what is the implication of that?" I thought to myself'. I was silently wondering where this was leading.

Don't Call me Mama (6) - Nigerian Parent - American Baby! Why the Trend?

For me, the decision to have a baby within or outside Nigeria was determined by many factors, and the prestige of having an American citizen as a child had nothing to do with it. I would be taking one after the other.

Cost: This was one of the major factors of the decision. Over and over again, I would count the cost of travelling out, hospital visit, transportation, flight, etc., and I would ask myself if it was worth it. It was damn costly. I considered the pros and cons. What made my mind settled about all of these was that I considered the whole venture as an investment, rather than an expense. Let’s face it, as for now, a blue passport gets people so many opportunities than a green passport does, from education to business, etc. So I closed my eyes, spent the money, knowing I would drink gari for some time. I could have bought a plot of land, scratch that, three plots of land in Epe side, or brand new car, but I decided that this is a good thing to sacrifice for my child. The only way I could cushion the effect on my pocket was by cutting cost where I could. I found affordable hospitals, stayed with family, etc. All in all, I spent about $11,000.00. It’s still paining me till now, but it’s all good. At least, I didn’t borrow a dime, and I can boast that I owe no hospital or any American organization money, so I’m grateful.

Education: I was more convinced that I was doing the right thing for my child when ASUU went on strike in August. I was like “when will this ever end?” The same strike they’ve been striking since my Uni days? Just to drive it home, I finished secondary school 17 years ago. And they are still striking now? Are these the schools I would consider sending my child? Or will I have a child in this country and then spend tens of thousands of dollars sending my children to school abroad in future? Hell no. I would rather sacrifice now, and rest later than rest now and sacrifice later.

Don't Call me Mama (4) - Casting off the cloak Society places on pregnant women

How long does one keep the news of a pregnancy secret before telling it to close friends and family?

Well, I don’t know. I’m not even sure there’s a standard time, though I hear people say you can tell family after three months, i.e. the first trimester. I got pregnant in January, but found out about it in the second week of February. We decided we would tell our mothers in April. I chose that time, not because it was anything special, but because I would need to start making travel arrangements, which would require me informing my aunt, who I was considering as a possible host. Of course, I would never tell my aunt without telling my mum first. That was the major determining factor for me.

The funniest thing was that our mothers already knew I was pregnant before we told them, lol. How did they know?

My mother-in-law said she dreamt about it, and her dreams are always real. That woman is gangster. She also dreamt about the gender of my child, and she was accurate. On the day I had my baby, she told my husband I was going to have my baby that day because she had seen it, lol. Again, she was right.

As for my mother, she started suspecting I was pregnant after she called me on two occasions and I told her I wasn’t feeling fine. I, Atilola Moronfolu, am always feeling fine. Even when my body wants to give up on me, I talk sense into it, and tell it to get back to work, lol. So for me to have succumbed to the point that she could hear weakness in my voice, she put two and two together.

Our mothers were very happy, as expected of African parents, that their children didn’t have to ‘wait’, and that they would be having their first grandchild, on both sides.

Those were the only people I officially told. Every other person found out when they saw bulging stomach, which I successfully concealed for five months before giving up and crying to my husband that I have no more clothes to hide my stomach.

People were generally happy for us. Only one person openly voiced out the swiftness in which I got pregnant.

Like many other situations, such as marriage, society tries to define how you should be when you are pregnant. And for many of their expectations of me, I defied them.

I refused to buy or wear maternity clothes because I don’t like them. I had just one maternity top, which my sister bought for me. Apart from that, I continued to wear my regular clothes till the very day my baby dropped out of me. It wasn’t a struggle for me because thankfully, I didn’t put on weight and my tops were enough for my bulging stomach. I must say I am a very bad prospect for maternity businesses.

Secondly, I continued to wear my high heels. In fact, I wore heels till I left Nigeria at 34 weeks. It was a matter of if you don’t like it, carry your eyes elsewhere, lol. Anyone who knows me knows my heels are not the low type. I mean, if we call something high heels, then they should be high. Right?
I just refused to fit into the stereotype of the pregnant woman look. The one with swollen face, swollen feet, fat laps in her flat slippers or shoes, arms supporting her waist, with stomach protruding out of a very ugly maternity gown. Please, that wasn’t me, and I wasn’t going to let society put me in that mould with their constant side comments. I wanted to be the perfect stylish preggo, and that was what I was.

On two occasions, I was face to face with this issue

After church, someone sent my husband a message reading “Your wife is pregnant. Right?” to which he answered in the affirmative. The next thing the sender sent was “but her legs don’t look pregnant.” Translation: You need to tell your wife to stop wearing heels. Even if your wife doesn’t know better, you should know better.

On another occasion, during my last bout with Red degeneration of fibroid, which got aggravated when I was in church, before we left for the hospital, a doctor tried to attend to me in church. She was only able to give me painkillers. She told me to make sure I hide my heels from the doctors when I get to the hospital so they won’t wrongfully diagnose my condition by looking at me and sending me back home because I was on heels. She said even though she knows the heels had nothing to do with my issue, some doctors would want to find the easiest thing to blame my pain on instead of carrying out a thorough check. Thankfully, I always have a pair of slippers in the car, so ‘hiding my heels’ was not a problem at all.

As regards wearing heels while pregnant, the jury is still out on that. I know it has a lot to do with posture and the change in centre of gravity as the body changes. I’ve never been one to wear flat shoes, so flat shoes might have even been more uncomfortable for me. If you ask for my advice, I would say do what is best for you, your body and your health.

And now that the baby is here and growing, many people expect that one will drop all these ‘Sisi’ ways, and get into the motherhood role. Things like your dressing, hairstyle options, and even tiny stature should change. I don’t buy all that crap. As long as one is a responsible person and mother, carrying oneself and living a life that one’s children won’t be ashamed of, that’s all that matters. If you like, keep wearing your skinny jeans, dye your hair purple and shave it by the sides, it’s your life.

As for me, I know I have the choice to write my own story the way I want it to be read, and that is exactly what I would do.

Please, let us know your opinion on this post in the comment session. What do rules do you think a pregnant woman should or should not adhere to?

Don't Call me Mama (3) - Six Things No One told me about Pregnancy

The pregnancy journey is indeed an interesting one. It is like a trip you take, and you encounter many strangers, both pleasant and unpleasant, along the way. The thing is whether you like it or not, you will have experiences that will be very surprising to you, and most of them, you will be shocking  because no one prepared you for the journey. Without more talking, here are some things I definitely wasn't prepared for when I found out I was pregnant.

That I will be a nine-month spitting machine

I started spitting some weeks after pregnancy. It started like a joke, till I had to start carrying a stainless cup everywhere I went. I tried everything under the planet. I tried bitter kola, ginger, ice cubes, minty sweets and gum, crackers, everything. Nothing worked. It just got worse. They said it would stop when I was like 5 or 6 months gone. It never did. Even when I had my baby, I kept spitting for about the next 6 hours. And just like that, there was no urge to spit.

The condition is called ptyalism, and it sometimes put me in some embarrassing situations. I remember going for a meeting, and I underestimated the length of the meeting so I didn’t have enough sweets with me. I was down to my last butter mint sweet, and the meeting wasn’t even half way. I told my pastor, mehn I’m in trouble. We asked the man we were meeting with for sweet. I basically said excuse me sir, there’s an emergency “I need sweet right now.” He was confused, but had to get me sweets from one of his subordinates, after which we explained my condition. After that day, I switched from using minty sweets in meeting to using strong minty gums. I used to sleep with tom tom in my mouth at night, in order not to spit on my husband’s chest where I had to lay my head on because of pain emanating from my left ribs. Later the tom tom stopped working, so I switched to minty gums, but they made my mouth feel somehow in the morning. We basically settled to laying tissue paper on part of his chest so that when I moved from unconsciousness to sub-consciousness, and the spits starts dripping out, the tissue will prevent his chest from taking the hit of my condition. The guy basically sacrificed his chest for me for months. He is the real MVP, lol.

That everyone’s journey is different

When I got pregnant, my eyes made the mistake of seeing Ciara dancing with her big baby bump, and moving mountains, while I could hardly lift my hands, even though my stomach was as flat as a drawing board.

Don't call me Mama (2) - The time I felt like ripping my baby apart

My first trimester was a very rough and challenging one. I became someone I didn't recognize.

I found out that I was pregnant on February 9. The first wave of weakness hit me on February 14 when I went to my parents’ house to pack some items from my old office room. Things I would normally lift sent me to a realm of tiredness I couldn't come out of hours later. The sweet and sour Chinese sauce my husband ordered to celebrate valentines didn't go down well in my mouth and stomach.

It was like a downward descent from that day. Morning sickness hit me like Anthony Joshua’s punches. I could hardly climb the stairs without almost passing out. Sometimes climbing the stairs to the fourth floor rendered me immobile for 3 hours. My tiredness and weakness made me very unproductive. And the unproductiveness sent me into depression because I was... well, unproductive. I felt I was producing nothing and had nothing to show for my existence on earth. During this period, I resented the whole pregnancy thing, and almost felt like slashing my stomach open and ripping out the baby.

Spices irritated me. Cooking my breakfast for was left to my husband. I threw up a lot in the mornings. I threw up till my eyes bulged out, veins showed on my temples, and specks of blood came out sometimes.

I was so convinced that my tiredness was peculiar to me. Surely, pregnant women can't be feeling this way. I see them all around going strong with their business and other affairs. I was a novice, my husband was a novice so I pressured him to call doctors and find a solution to my problem immediately because I just couldn't continue life this way.