The Vain Body Journal: Sixteen types of women you find in the gym

A year ago, I gave up on home workouts, and signed up at the gym. Even though I am not much of a gym buddy, I am very observant, and I am writing this funny fitness post from what the few things I observed. Read, enjoy, and share.

1. The oppressors
These ones have a banging body, and they know they have a banging body. They walk into the gym with confidence, with shoulders up, aware of both male and female eyes on them, and they love it. They came to oppress, and the more eyes that ogle them, the more accomplished they feel.

2.The snap back gang
These ones just had a baby, and are desperate to get their pre pregnancy shape and weight back. It doesn’t matter how their health is affected. Whenever they remember their days of past glory, it inspires them the more. Who cares about breast milk supply or a crying baby? They are the ones who will come to the gym with a new born baby. And if they have more than one child, they hire one nanny for every additional child they have. They will come to the gym with their whole entourage if that’s what it takes.

3. The club bangers
We know Nigerians love to party but these ones take dancing to the next level. They constantly have headphones on, dance while walking round the gym, dance on the treadmill. And when the class instructor is dishing out steps, they turn it to dance. Instead of them to do a side step, they do salsa. Instead of squatting, they twerk. Na so so dance full their head

4. The husband searchers
These ones come to the gym, claiming to lose weight but you never find them in the cardio section. They always loiter around the strength section where they believe the strong eligible bachelors are, yet they don’t lay a finger on the machines. They are always smiling and shining teeth with the men there, praying someone takes their phone number.

5. The gold diggers
They are similar to the husband searchers but they are always shaking bum bum up and down, and are more intentional with their search. They only want the big boiz who can fund their lifestyle, and not some broke yahoo boy wannabe who doesn’t mind spending the entire day at the gym

6. The "I too knows"
These ones get to class first, and are always in front. Their goal is to nail every single move of the instructor to the tooth. Mistakes send them to depression. If this were school, they would be called efiko

7. The single-minded ones
These ones came to the gym for just one thing... to be fit. All other things are distractions. They don’t mingle with people, they don’t joke, and definitely don’t shake bum bum up and down. They are focused on their goal, come into the gym at a particular time, workout, attend class, and get out.

8. The baffers
They have the most beautiful gym wear and trainers. They match it up with interesting accessories like the sport hat, head band, ankle braces, knee braces, hand bands, water bottles, etc. Their sports wear game is tight because they have invested heavily in it, and they are peppering everyone with it by showing off

9. The networkers 
These are more interested in striking profitable relationships than keeping fit. The come ready with their business cards, marketing pitch and product catalog. They talk with people but are strategic about it. If your portfolio seems attractive to them, they position themselves next to you in the weights section and stylishly strike a conversation with you.

10. The gossips
These ones know the stories of everyone in the gym. They know the car everyone drives, where everyone lives, who is eyeing who in the strength section, who does more cardio than strength, who hasn’t dropped 1kg after 7.5 months at the gym, etc. No matter how much of “the single-minded ones” you think you are, they got something on you, and they will share this juicy information amongst themselves

11. The self deceivers
These ones will spend 5 hours at the gym, burning 1000 calories, and head straight into to mega chicken afterwards to down 2500 calories in form of two loaves of milk bread and 3 bottles of chilled coke

12. The envy of the class
These are by far the best students in class. The instructor always uses them as example and motivation. They are the instructors’ best friends because they are evidence that he’s doing a good job. They partner with the instructor for doubles and everyone just wished they could be like them in class

13. The last resort
These ones are desperate to lose weight, either as a result of health complications, constant complaints from their husbands, or a sudden awakening to the fact that if they don’t change their unhealthy habits, it would lead to an unpleasant end. They always ask questions and are very attentive. They might not be “the envy of the class” or “the I too knows”, but they always make an effort

14. The class monitor
They are always on correction mode, pointing out everyone’s flaws in class during routines. They let you know how you are not bending well, how your back is not straight, your knee is not touching your chin, etc. Instead of them to concentrate on their own routines, they are bent on cherrypicking the flaws of others

15. The lazy ones
They have this constant mindset that they are too heavy to lift their feet off the ground, hence they don’t push themselves. If the instructor tells them to bend and raise hands, they will stand and throw hand. They can’t touch their toes, can’t raise their hands, can’t jump, can’t bend, can’t do anything. The only reason you know they are not paralyzed is that as soon as the instructor gives 2 minutes break, they join the club bangers gang and start doing zanku. It makes you wonder why they even bother coming to the gym in the first place

16. The groupies
They don’t do anything on their own. They are always in groups, skipping in groups, doing jumping jacks in group, doing HIIT in groups, etc. They find encouragement to continue with their fitness journey only when they team up with people of like minds. You never find these ones doing things like treadmills or ellipticals because those are solo exercises. And of course, they never attend classes since it will mean having to listen to the instructor, along with everyone else, and putting their groupie goals on a hold

Do you go to the gym? Is there any type of women that I haven't mentioned? Please, let's know in the comment section