Close Shaves Series – part 4 : The AUR Story

Warning! This episode of the series might be a bit gross or extreme for you. Don’t say I did not warn you.
This is one is about a complication that shouldn’t have arisen in the first place. It all started from regular constipation, which ended up as something else.

I think the constipation started during a weekend in 2006. After like 2 days or so, when I realised I had to do something, I started taking things like castor oil, paraffin oil, laxative, and anything to ease the constipation. It never occurred to me that this was not the usual kind of constipation, as the faeces blocking the whole stuff was like stone.

As the days progressed, the situation became worse. Urinating now became a chore, and eating was completely out of it. I increased the laxative, and what happened was that I had the increased pressure to use the toilet, but nothing ever came out. In fact, the paraffin oil was so effective that it kept pushing in my stomach, and found a way to seep out by itself, without doing anything. Let’s just say my underwear always found a way to be as oily as Dodo Ikire.

One morning, about 6 -8 days later or so (can’t be exact right now), my cup became full. I knew for certain that death was knocking at my doorstep. I couldn’t walk, everything in my body was full, and I was going to burst anytime from then. This was the period I was doing IT, and it was so bad that I couldn't go to work. I was the only one at home, so nobody was around to save me. I called my mum, and said if she didn’t find a way to get me to the hospital immediately…

Anyway, she called our mechanic family friend beside our house, and arranged for me to get to the hospital. They couldn’t find our family card, and I had to buy a personal one. By the time the doctor saw me, he shook his head. From my stomach downwards was as swollen like that of a pregnant woman. They said it was a case of Acute Urinary Retention.

Source

They immediately passed a tube inside me, and started extracting the urine, because the constipation had already shut down my urinary tract. I had never had sex before, I had never delivered a child before, but trust me, I was not ashamed to open my legs for that man. When you stare at death in the face, ehn, every ounce of shame flies out of the window. Not to exaggerate o, about 30 minutes, they were still extracting urine from me. It filled about three kidney bowls or more. The two doctors and the nurse that were there were just shaking their heads. They said that it was hard to believe that I had that much urine in me, and that if I had waited any moment later than I did, we might have been telling a different story.

By the time I was done, they gave me some drugs, and told me to use orange fibre. Then the doctor said something disgusting to me. He said...

It is at this point I would cut off the story, lest you never eat in your life again, as the procedure to solve the main constipation is just too gross.

I went back home that day, relieved my mum was not going to mourn just yet. Things happened, and a day later, my life returned to normal.

After then, I remembered the horror of the fact that the doctor passed a tube inside of me, and ran back to the hospital. I asked the doctor if I was still a virgin, because I plan to remain that way until my wedding night. I seriously believe the guy fought hard to keep a straight face, like see this ignorant child (I was in 400 level in Uni).

He then went on to lecture me about the difference between the vagina and the urinary tract (like I did not do biology), assuring me that all he touched was what needed to be touched, so I shouldn’t fear. Ehm, lemme just stop here.

Congrats if you read it all the way through. You deserve a model of the urinary tract as a gift.
 

Hovering Flies



(Image fron ClipartOf)

I was in church one day when OH (Other Half) pointed flies hovering around a girl’s hair. Sadly, she was oblivious to what was going on around her ‘glory cap’ so she couldn’t swat them. Also, no one would dare start send the flies away in order not to draw attention to the lady, which will end up embarrassing her. She had fixed a weave and it looked alright to the human eye. So why exactly were flies choosing to hover around just only her hair? Here is the reason.

According to OH, the hair hovering flies is something he sees a lot, especially when he was in secondary school. When ladies do not have the opportunity to lose their hair after a long time, they look for one way or the other to wash the hair, while it is still unloosed on their head. Then they apply a lot of pink oil on it so that it will shine and no one will know that it is old. Before you know it, the hair is already sticky and smelly. It then gives off this odour that is though unperceivable by the human nostrils, attracts flies.

Unfortunately, the flies betray them and let every one know their ‘dirty little secret’, even if they look clean on the outside. As I said earlier, the sad part they do not realize that everyone is already in on their ‘secret’.

Do you have a ‘dirty little secret’ that you have disguised to look clean on the outside? Whatever you do, just be sure the hovering flies are not betraying the ‘prim and proper’ look you have used to cover it up. Better still, find time to ‘loose out’ the secret and deal with it.

African... Western...

I got to the saloon, my hair loosed, uncombed and standing up straight. I greeted my hairdresser, he took a look at me and my hair and a frown crossed he face. To say that he was pissed would be an understatement. I did not need anyone to tell me that he was tired of my natural (virgin) hair. He always ‘begged’ me to relax it but I disagreed.

All the hair stylists were praying to God not to be assigned the task of weaving my hair. Number 1, it is too full, Number 2, it is unrelaxed. They say that it takes about three times the time you would take to weave a relaxed hair to weave a virgin hair because of its elastic texture.

Ever since I started keeping natural have, I have hardly received words of encouragement from people, especially haridressers, but truthfully, I have never been tempted to go back on my decision. It all started when I decided to cut off my dreadlocks (that my irresponsible hair) of two years. I just could not imagine myself going back to the whole relaxing thing. And since then, I haven’t had rest from hair stylists.

I just want to know, why are we so eager to fix the hair that the Asians and Brazilians cut off and can't wait to crucify those that have chosen to go the African way? Why are we so eager to pour relaxer on our kids’ hair, such that they do not really know what a true African hair looks like? If we would really take time to consider, we will realize that the Black African hair is really unique. When unrelaxed, it has lovely spring like curls that no other race can boast of. Many white people wished they could weave their hair, some even weave it and tie the ends so it won’t loose.

What about in physique, they want to be so curvy like Africans that they do breast and butt enlargement, some of them even wear padded pants. Yet we so badly want to be like them that we starve ourselves just to become that desired 'lepa' that the new age society has termed beautiful. What an irony? They try so hard to look like us and we try so hard to look like them

For the next few years at least, I have chosen to go the natural way. So please, From henceforth, let no man trouble me for I bear in my body the marks of a true African.