A Tale of two Husbands



Sometime last year, I wrote about distorted feminism and its danger, all of which I still stand by. You can read the post here, if you missed it

I have noticed that some women get very angry and insulting when they hear strong successful married women say something like “I thank my husband for allowing me follow my dreams, achieving my purpose, etc...”. These women get very bitter and blame these successful married women for painting a picture that for you to be successful and married, you must be submissive and subservient to the point where your husband must “allow” you.

As a strong and strong-willed woman who has been on both sides of the divide myself, I understand both parties but I see the lack of understanding in the path of the people who are getting raving mad and bitter about these statements

First, let’s get something straight. Marriage is not compulsory. Your married or single status should your choice but if you get married, some realities will hit you wherever you are in the world, no matter your religious inclinations, whether you are a strong and ambitious woman, beautiful full time housewife, or a lazy couch potato with servants at your beck and call. Marriage will slap you with its own bittersweet realities, and let you understand that the union is not about one party

The person you marry can ruin your destiny for life to the extent where it would be hard for you to recover easily, or can build you up to the point of unimaginable success. Marriage is a yoke, and if you are yoked to a dead weight, it’s only a matter of time before you start decaying yourself and you will produce nothing but maggots.

In many cases, it is not like these husbands set out to pull their wives down or to build them up, but their lack of availability of support is major determinant here. It’s ultimately what will determine whether a married woman smoothly achieved her goal or not.

A practical case is that of two women, married for 8 years with 3 young children with the last child under two, at the height of their career or business. They are at a very demanding phase of their lives where they have to constantly move within and outside the country.

Now imagine woman A, with a husband who is stable, present and supportive. He understands that the phase woman A is currently is temporary, and is always filling in the gap for her. Even when her second child took ill in her absence, he bridged the gap and didn’t alarm her with the seriousness of the situation because she had to concentrate on a life changing presentation she was preparing for

Then imagine Woman B, same situation as Woman A but while her husband has not really determined in heart to ruin her or bring her down, he’s insecure and threatened by her rise so he doesn’t lift a finger to help or support. When she want to travel, she has to beg her mum (who is slowly getting tired of these requests) to take in her three energetic kids because her husband is no-go area, and that’s after she has made sure that his food for the next one week is well-arranged and properly-labelled in the freezer so he can just insert them into the microwave and eat. And when her own child took ill in her absence, she had to fly back home immediately to sort it out because her mother can’t handle the running around in addition to her arthritis and the other grandchildren. Because of this, she couldn’t prepare well for her life changing presentation, did a sloppy job lost an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

While woman A is soaring high, woman B is constantly wondering if all the hassle is worth it. She’s constantly choosing between her kids and her career, and failing at both, while her husband watches on, and carries on with his life as usual. After a while, woman B takes a less demanding career, not necessarily with lesser pay but with lesser demands and not really challenging or fuelling her ambition, but at least, now she’s more present at home with the kids.

Woman A continues to rise, while woman B declines. Now these two women are friends and follow each other’s stories. Twenty years later, woman A clearly sees the difference between their lives, understands that a major determinant for this difference was not lack of intelligence or opportunities, but the husbands they married. She publicly thanks her husband for his support and “allowing her be the woman she always wanted to be” and every distorted feminist goes raving mad. They don’t understand that it’s not like she’s telling you that for you to be successful, you need your husband’s permission, but the fact is that your husband’s actions or inactions makes a difference. All he needs to do is withdraw the hand of support, and everything comes tumbling down. That’s why it’s a YOKE.

We might argue that woman B should have left her husband since he wasn’t supporting her, but the truth is that it wouldn’t have made her situation better. She would still have been running around to have it all together.

So let’s not be quick to batter these women who are strong and successful, and “thanking their husbands”. There’s so much behind the scenes that we don’t understand. The truth is that a woman’s mind is always wired towards the home, so if her home isn’t right, her mind will not be settled in other areas, even if she appears successful on the outside

When these women say their best decision is that they married the right men, and they believe every young woman now should be very intentional in the decision of who they choose to marry, please take their words for it. Honestly, twitter activism is very far from reality.

I will really love to hear what you have to say about this. If you have your or other people’s experiences to share, please enlighten us. Also feel free to add to or disagree with any point in this post.

2 comments

  1. I don't think people realize marriage is a team effort. For so long it has been preached that women do A and men do B, with little to no overlap that its no wonder people can't read between the lines. So even though you may not necessarily mean "permission" when you say "i thank my husband for allowing me to do/be xyz", you are still thanking them for doing the needful in your partnership in order for you to be able to do/be xyz.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am not married yet but I can share my inexperienced views right here. Most people have this distorted idea that marriage serves as a form of a leash on women forgetting that these same women are beings not animals with dreams, aspirations, feelings and individual needs.
    We forget that marriage is a partnership and as one long one of the partner soars the other soars with him or her and vice versa.
    Selfishness is the main reason why we would keep having stories like the above, why would you want to impose limitations on your partner without taking into consideration his/her own needs.
    The things God will judge eh.
    I met a guy recently and he indirectly implied that his future wife must be a stay at home mom because he and his siblings turned out okay for the sacrifice his mom made by being a stay at home mom.
    Now this guy would go about thinking his mission is to convert career woman to a stay at home, do you see where the selfishness comes in? Why don't they look out for a woman who desires to be a stay at home (trust me they exist) than look for a career woman who is on a path. He ends up messing her life goals and expectations and later complains of insubordination.
    Let's learn to live and give others the freedom to live, at the end of the day we are the architect of our own happiness.

    ReplyDelete

What's your opinion on this? Let's learn from one another.