Close Shaves Series – part 4 : The AUR Story

Warning! This episode of the series might be a bit gross or extreme for you. Don’t say I did not warn you.
This is one is about a complication that shouldn’t have arisen in the first place. It all started from regular constipation, which ended up as something else.

I think the constipation started during a weekend in 2006. After like 2 days or so, when I realised I had to do something, I started taking things like castor oil, paraffin oil, laxative, and anything to ease the constipation. It never occurred to me that this was not the usual kind of constipation, as the faeces blocking the whole stuff was like stone.

As the days progressed, the situation became worse. Urinating now became a chore, and eating was completely out of it. I increased the laxative, and what happened was that I had the increased pressure to use the toilet, but nothing ever came out. In fact, the paraffin oil was so effective that it kept pushing in my stomach, and found a way to seep out by itself, without doing anything. Let’s just say my underwear always found a way to be as oily as Dodo Ikire.

One morning, about 6 -8 days later or so (can’t be exact right now), my cup became full. I knew for certain that death was knocking at my doorstep. I couldn’t walk, everything in my body was full, and I was going to burst anytime from then. This was the period I was doing IT, and it was so bad that I couldn't go to work. I was the only one at home, so nobody was around to save me. I called my mum, and said if she didn’t find a way to get me to the hospital immediately…

Anyway, she called our mechanic family friend beside our house, and arranged for me to get to the hospital. They couldn’t find our family card, and I had to buy a personal one. By the time the doctor saw me, he shook his head. From my stomach downwards was as swollen like that of a pregnant woman. They said it was a case of Acute Urinary Retention.

Source

They immediately passed a tube inside me, and started extracting the urine, because the constipation had already shut down my urinary tract. I had never had sex before, I had never delivered a child before, but trust me, I was not ashamed to open my legs for that man. When you stare at death in the face, ehn, every ounce of shame flies out of the window. Not to exaggerate o, about 30 minutes, they were still extracting urine from me. It filled about three kidney bowls or more. The two doctors and the nurse that were there were just shaking their heads. They said that it was hard to believe that I had that much urine in me, and that if I had waited any moment later than I did, we might have been telling a different story.

By the time I was done, they gave me some drugs, and told me to use orange fibre. Then the doctor said something disgusting to me. He said...

It is at this point I would cut off the story, lest you never eat in your life again, as the procedure to solve the main constipation is just too gross.

I went back home that day, relieved my mum was not going to mourn just yet. Things happened, and a day later, my life returned to normal.

After then, I remembered the horror of the fact that the doctor passed a tube inside of me, and ran back to the hospital. I asked the doctor if I was still a virgin, because I plan to remain that way until my wedding night. I seriously believe the guy fought hard to keep a straight face, like see this ignorant child (I was in 400 level in Uni).

He then went on to lecture me about the difference between the vagina and the urinary tract (like I did not do biology), assuring me that all he touched was what needed to be touched, so I shouldn’t fear. Ehm, lemme just stop here.

Congrats if you read it all the way through. You deserve a model of the urinary tract as a gift.