Six ways to become a modern day Marriage Counsellor/Relationship Expert by Atilola Moronfolu




Source
The days of having to spend money going to expensive counselling school in the US is over. Who says you have to waste precious time reading all those books and engaging in those time wasting psycho analysis, just because you want to be a respected marriage counsellor?

There are sure better and faster ways to becoming a marriage or relationship expert, especially in this age when the pressure to get married is so high, and the one to get divorced is even higher, your skills as a relationship expert is definitely going to be worth a lot, especially if you use avenues where people can assess this expertise of your, like the internet.

So here are six sure fast ways to become a marriage or relationship expert

1. Get married
What better way to become a marriage expert than living the experience yourself. Get married, and use your experience as a blanket method to advise everyone. It doesn’t matter if your relationship with your spouse is unique. It doesn’t matter if the person whose relationship problem you are trying to solve is in a courtship with someone who likes beans, while your spouse likes rice. Don’t care about differences in personalities. As long as you are married, whether the marriage is 1 minute old, 1 day old, or 100 years old, you are automatically a relationship expert.

Also, no one cares if you are happy in your marriage, sad, battered, have been keeping malice with your spouse for the past six months or six years. As long you got a ring on your finger, you are automatically are a relationship expert.

2. Get divorced
This is another fast way to be a relationship expert. You are more equipped in recognising the signs of a bad marriage, who not to marry, and who not to date. The more divorces you have on your hands, the more certificates of marriage counselling you are equipped with, the more people respect this expertise of yours. You sure will be getting a lot of sad married women as customers.

So yes go ahead and get divorced. Who says your pain has to be wasted? You can cash out it by becoming a relationship expert.

3. Be a prophet or seer
It doesn’t matter what your state is… rich, poor, tall, short, thin, fat, whatever. As long as you are a prophet, you will be seeing visions that God will reveal to only you. He won’t reveal to either of the parties in the relationship or marriage. After all, they are not blessed with the prophetic gift you have. As long as you are a prophet, God will tell you who kola should or shouldn’t marry, without informing kola. He will tell you how many kids Angela should have, and what she should be cooking for her husband every morning and night.

In fact when you are a prophet, you will become a relationship expert with the highest form of control, as we give great respect to our prophets on this side of the world. So yes, become a prophet/seer to be a counsellor, and if you can’t become one, lie that you are one. it’s really difficult to know the difference. Trust me.

4. Be a modern day pastor
This is another relationship expert that has almost as much control as the prophet. It doesn’t matter when you were ordained pastor, or what ministry you were called to. Whether your calling is warfare, deliverance, holiness preaching, prosperity preaching, motivational preaching, or any other specific one God calls pastors to concentrate on. As long as you are a pastor, you are a qualified marriage counsellor. Your congregation will not even be bothered about how you treat your wife, whether you love her like Christ loves the church, whether you beat her, or belt her, whether you give attention to your kids, or put the church before your family. No one cares.

It will also do you good not to address the issues when your sheep come running to you when there is a problem in their relationship or marriage. Just tell them that what God wants is for them to go back home, and close your eyes to the real issues. Once you are pastor-something, you are an automatic marriage counsellor and relationship expert. And the good thing is that the ladies will love you, especially the ones who have a problem in their marriage. The thing is, you must be careful lest you are tempted to fill the vacuum their husbands have refused to fill, so you won’t be relieved from your pastoral responsibilities, and lose that precious relationship expert certificate, and you will have to stop practising.

5. Be a musician or any other kind of celebrity
Once you are a musician, and have the ability to spew words, add beats to them, and get a dead club jamming, you are automatically a relationship expert. Go on twitter, Facebook, etc., and let the whole world know your opinion about relationships and marriages. Your ever-loyal twitter followers and Facebook fans will be sure to spread your sagacious words to the public. It doesn’t matter whether you are married, single, or divorced, holy or a saint, frat member or cultist, whether you lick tom-tom, or smoke weed publicly, sing meaningful songs or thrashy meaningless songs, or whatever. As long as you are a celebrity, the world will respect the fact that you could rise above many and become famous, however you were able to achieve that. You will automatically be respected as a relationship expert and marriage counsellor.

6. Be a blogger/commenter
If you can’t do any of the above for now, start a blog… any kind of blog, but romance blog or occasional romance articles will work best in your interest. You can either be a known face or anonymous. We don’t care. As long as you can drive traffic to your blog, we will see you as a relationship expert. Start a 'ask the blogger' series, advise us, tell us what you feel is right about sex and courtship, it would even do you good to be forceful about it. We really don’t care about your credentials or history. The fact that you are only accessible online will prevent people who don’t agree with your views from stoning you.

If you are too lazy to start a romance blog, just become a regular commenter on such blogs. As long as you are consistent in commenting on such blogs, you will be noticed, and recognised as a marriage counsellor and relationship expert.

So yes, these are six ways to drive the marriage counselling experts out of business. Pick the one most convenient for you and you are sure to be cashing in some bucks very soon.

Atilola’s words.

This article wasn’t written to diss any particular person, so if anyone feels am talking to them or anyone, you are wrongly mistaken, and I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

I wrote this post because I noticed that in recent times, everyone has become a relationship expert, which is ironic because, the more these so-called expert advices are flying around, the more relationships and marriage are failing.

My own opinion is that marriage is a good thing, and God is the author of marriage. If you have problem with your Honda car, you would most likely take it to 'The Honda Place' for repairs if you can afford it. So why is it that now that we are having problems with courtship and marriage, we are not turning to God, the manufacturer, for help? We would rather listen to the six personalities mentioned above, people who might even be in the same problem or worse than us.

Counselling is good and necessary at times, but choose your counsellors wisely. 

78 comments

  1. My comment disappeared......

    Well, I feel that the internet is a great place to share
    For those who are going through a rough patch - relationship wise, it might be comforting to hear other people's experiences so (a) one realises that his/her situation is abnormal/ normal and (b) one gets some comfort and impartial advice

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    1. In the same ship with 9jamum.

      Many people come out with issues they are having in their relationships in the media, IF they did not want help, WHY ASK THE PUBLIC IN THE FIRST PLACE?? and then turn about to complain?... THEY SHOULD KEEP IT TO THEMSELVES!

      Like you said, they should take it to our CREATOR just as a honda car is taken to the Honda's place for repairs...that is an ADVISE from you! BUT again,you said, IF THEY CAN AFFORD IT! How many people can afford to see a qualified marriage counselor whose marriage MIGHT be in trouble also? or Know GOD as our comforter? Not everybody is a believer, and not everybody knows how to bottle up their emotions or they would do something nasty, and there will be an outcry by the people..WHY DIDN'T THEY SEEK FOR HELP?

      Like 9jamum said, we learn from people's experience because EXPERIENCE IS THE BEST TEACHER...just as we learnt from our parents,siblings, friends, and stories of other people and relations who had have cause to advise us in one capacity or the other...Advise is freely given, but the CHOICE is in the hands of the advisee to accept it or not!
      Another great write-up from you.....

      I know you said you are not out to diss anybody, but why do i get this intuition in me that you were? *justasking* *no offence* :D

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    2. @ NIL: Sorry about your comment. You really make strong points. I pray we know how to sort these internet advices. So we can sift the godly counsels from other, so we don't end up in far worse problems than we currently were.

      @Ibhade: U know ma'am that you are one blogger i really like, off and on blog, and am sure u know.
      what you have is just a feeling. I had no one in mind o. I am not talking to anyone in particular. It just like my 'travelling out of Nigeria for the first time' post. I had no first time traveller in mind. Just take it as surface level

      I am all for counsel. I don't know how sane or insane I would have been without counsel. I have talked to one or two married blogger women about some things in the past before. You even remember that there was one time I wanted to talk to you. So I don't feel people should die in silence, or have to go to professional counsellors for advice.

      This post is not really about people seeking counsel. It is more about the fact that every single one of us are now experts.

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    3. hey! no biggie @tilola...you know me well both on and off blogsville....ahahahaha...and i want to find your trouble again...please this pink/red background do hurt my eyes...biko, can you change it? *asking nicely o* :D

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    4. Sorry, I will try to make it lighter now

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  2. When I saw the title of this post, I immediately responded with "by being a celebrity" and sure enough that was on here lol. But yes o... everyone is an expert these days

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    1. I think they even top the list sef, lol.

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  3. Welcome to the Internet age. Everyone is now an expert at everything. All you need is a wiliness to type out your thoughts and viola. I don't see the trend disappearing any time soon.

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  4. Ah yes, Nigerians are hot on relationship issues and there is no end to their willingness to advice. Relationship posts get the most comments as everyone suddenly turns adviser. lol.

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    1. Yes o. Whether they know what their talking about or not

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  5. LOL very true lady...I have to agree with you on everything..Funny enough this week I listened to a preaching that said the same thing in your last paragraph..If you have a problem with your car you go to the owners manual same with marriage and relationship, on no account should you enter into something without consulting the owner...This is coming from a pastor o...Thanks for sharing, awesome as always.

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    1. Yes. The manufacturers are always the best to run to first, then we can now ask people 'with useful experience'

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  6. I totally agree with you on this post. There are too many "experts" with even bigger problems. There's a bigger dimension to this topic though, but I wouldn't explore it at all.

    I'm just saying, it's not only at The Honda Place that people repair Honda cars; some other mechanics can fix them with knowledge gained from The Honda place perhaps. Find your way to The Honda Place and when The Boss there calls someone to attend to your issue, then you don't have a problem because The Boss said so.

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    1. I like your perspective. We have to find our way to the place first. Not just meeting any roadside quack mechanic that would end up putting a hyundai engine in your Honda car

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  7. lol. very true. Don't know why people think that getting married makes them automatic advisers..........its super annoying

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    1. Try not to let it annoy you, cos it won't be stopping anytime soon, lol.

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  8. This is actually true.However,the ubiquity of internet makes sharing of thoughts very easy and so many people give their two cents about situations.It's left for the person who needs it to analyze the information,take it,or simply leave it.

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    1. We can make our thoughts known, that is fine. But not taking the role of an expert

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  9. There's wisdom in a multiple of counselors. That being said, one should be careful and discerning in picking what advice to use. align advices with the bible and use the word as a yardstick to taking any action.

    The write up is true and quite funny sha! Every one wanting to be counselors.

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    1. Loooll. Too many multiple counsellors now, all leading to a chaotic mess, and even worse situations these days

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  10. Your post brings out the humour in the desperation of both the “seeker” and the “seekee” of counselling. Just as @simply mee pointed out some people are lost, some are trying to find God and they need to seek someone who will be their "God sent" or lead them on the right path to the manufacturer-God.

    “Advice is one thing that is freely given away, but watch that you only take what is worth having.”
    ― George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

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    1. If only they actually lead us back to the manufacturer, it would make more sense.

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  11. oh my word
    this made me laugh soo much
    thanks
    you are soo right

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    1. Actually, that was the point o. To add humour to the satire, but still get the message across

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  12. I knew this was a satire. I knew it! I knew it from the title. And I was so right! Oh...oh... Genius me.

    This post is right on, fellow blogger. There is this natural way of going against bad trends and satire is surely the best manner of doing that. However, you spoiled the post when you inserted the addendum disclaiming the opinion people might have about you doing the post. Really, you don't need that. It is when truth such as this is spoken that some people find themselves uncomfortable.

    Remove that part joor and let the humour and the truth of the post mix well. Bravo! Messages well passed.

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    1. Lol, Genius you.

      I had to insert the addendum o, cos I have romance blogger friends that I don't want to lose, and I didn't want to be misunderstood on blogger, cos I just love blogsville. However, if I put this article out on another platform, I would take it out. Thanks

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    2. Thank you for confirming my brilliance joor. Now I know I have one person who believes I have a very big brain. lol.

      I will continue to like this post anytime.

      http://josephomotayo.blogspot.com/2012/10/7-books-21-days-back-to-school.html

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  13. Funny post, especially cos my blog falls under the category. I am one person that just hates giving advise but I so believe in sharing experiences and that is why I decided to publish the dear myne emails when I began to receive them. Some think a romance author is automatically a relationship expert. You should have added that one :)

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    1. Romance meets Life by Myne Whitman. I thought about you while writing this post, and prayed that you would understand, lol. Thank God you did.

      As for those who feel that a romance author makes a relationship expert, well maybe I will end up writing romance next time, lol.

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  14. Learn to separate opinions from advices, that's all you need regardless the source.

    Sure you could call on God. But to a whole lot of people the 'voice of God' says exactly what they want to hear.

    And you didn't mention Psychologists, well, maybe that's way makes us different...at least to those of us that live it.

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    1. I am not talking of people's opinions here, I am talking of those who actually consider themselves experts.

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  15. Lol. These are some six ways to become a modern day relationship expert

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    1. So which one will you pick? Abi you don't want to make money?

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    2. Hahahahahaha, I want to make money o. But I'll pass on this one.

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  16. Atilola I love you . That is all.

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    1. Eww, is that allowed in Nigeria? Just kidding, lol.

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  17. lol! this is funny. sometimes. it is good to share tho but sharing with the right person is important

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    1. Sharing is good o. It helps ease the burden

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  18. hahahhahahahahahahahah....jokes...

    i had to retype my comment...

    anyhoo, You are right and well summed up.

    God knows I like to dish out advise that I apply happily in my own life. I like marriage and I like reading different opinions..Some actually offer interesting thought provoking points,whilst some are just erm.?? I think I read and move on.... betterstill I sift through and see the angle of the advice and post..

    I dont think all the pple mentioned in the post regard themselves as experts but a mere messenger passing on their own little experience of some sort, having said that there are extremist in in everything..

    Either way, it is up to their individual, their motives, beliefs, trust, view, mentality and attitude...

    but yh so many things are overrated and unfortunately for some of us we are GULLIBLE and dont bother inquiring.

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    1. Some actually regard themselves as experts o. Giving out 4 laws, 25 rules, etc.

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  19. I see where this post stems from and I totally get it. I got to know a coupla days ago about a friend of mine being coined as a 'relationship expert' and I marvelled (also annoyed) because what obtains with this individual is way off from godly precepts and I dont care what anyone has to say but you cannot take God out of the equation when we talk about marriages and relationships. The origin, and bedrock is GOD!

    Fountain Flows is basically a blog that shares my thoughts and opinions on issues in relationships and this is informed by godly standards. Like other bloggers have commented, sharing on the internet is a GREAT way to learn and I strongly encourage this but nobody's word is yes and amen and I completely agree with you that the best person to meet with a problem/issue is God, but He also uses writers to minister :)

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    1. Yes o. Take God out of it, and all you end up with is the 'wisdom of men' which won't get us anywhere

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  20. Don't pour sand inside peoples garri now...and to think I was going to start my Marriage Monday series...RME @ you (lol)

    I get your point though, as much as I love hearing other peoples take on life issues, we need to realize that not every opinion is God's truth, and at the end of the day, that's what matters the most

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    1. Eeya, sorry o. I didn't know I was messing a potential business up. Please, tell me about your next initiative, before I unintentionally thrash it on this blog o, lol.

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    2. lol @jahazmyn...pls start your series jare..i for one look forward to it... :)

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  21. I have been married for 10 years now, and happily so, but I also know that I cannot push my experiences in marriage on another person, and neither will I offer unsolicited advise-except in my own space, lol. Each person has a unique experience. There's nothing wrong about dishing out much needed counsel where needed, but like you said, one must be careful who one turns to for advise. It is especially important because, if a public figure gives advise, whether it is right or wrong, some people take it to the bank. I have had a really close case where a family member had problems with his wife simply because her mother advise her wrongly and told her that there is no marriage in heaven-and the said mother is a pastor! She was right about there being no marriage in heaven, but in the context of what happened, it was an advice in poor taste and she succeeded in wrecking the young marriage. So, I agree that a multitude of counselors from all sectors abound, but one has to chose wisely who to listen to.

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    1. This is so so sad. So they did not make it at the end of the day?

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    2. No, they are still separated and mumsy is still counseling.

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    3. So so sad. Doesn't she want something good for her child?

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  22. your post make sense die... too many counselors lately... just too many of them, smh. thanks sha!

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    1. Lool, thanks. I guess I spoke your mind

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  23. Very on point o! lol...
    God is the ultimate solution to every problem. http://shallyashimi.blogspot.com/

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  24. Well, my over ten years of marriage has given me some experiences that can help a newly married couple who is interested. Sharing them is different from imposing them on people. Years of experience can be part of one's credentials.lol
    I enjoyed reading the posts, the meaning is deep and can be easily misunderstood by any one who just abides by surface meaning alone. I like reading articles that are deep and can make me think. Thanks.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed the post. I hope no one misunderstood it sha.

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  25. This made me laugh. Plus why do i think "Nigerian" was omitted somewhere in the title of the post?

    I'm for seeking for advise but at the same time, we should ask for directions for the maker to know the RIGHT place to seek them from.

    this internet business is now very serious, at the same time, what i would take seriously from "Dear myne" i wont take from "Dear Linda"(No offense)

    I think getting it Right is key!

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    1. Lool at Nigeria being ommited. But international celebs are experts naa. Many of them even have books to prove it.

      So you have officially endorsed Myne. Did she tell you she's an expert? She disclaims it oo. I will let her know that she has you on her side, lol.

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  26. pls visit the soul sistas blog- http://soulsistasheart.blogspot.com. we share on relationships issues..and while you are at it please vote for us in the Nigerian blog award for the best relationship category!

    muhahahahahaahaha

    sorry i just had to chip that in- i am in a cheeky mood...

    on a serious note, like we say on our blog we are no experts. We don't impose we just love to share share share...

    You share some valid points.

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    1. See free advert that you came to do o. You must pay.

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  27. Replies
    1. Lool. Me sef, I am an expert at drafting manuals.

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  28. So well said o! But like you also noted, the best solutions always lie with the manufacturer. God remains the best marriage counsellor! Nice one!g

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  29. I actually thought this was a 'tongue in cheek' blog but perhaps it is not?

    Anyway, the truth for me is this: if you truly believe God is your father and you have a one on one relationship with him, you should automatically go to him to discuss all your issues. Not just the ones about your relationships and marriage. In fact, you would go to him before you seek out human guidance. And even if you go to a trusted friend or counsellor first, you ought to weigh what they tell you and not just take it all in. They are humans too and don't know it all and the ones worth their salt will be quick to tell you so.

    I know God speak through others but if the only time you hear from your Heavenly Father is through your other brothers and sisters, then you need to check your parentage o. I am just saying......




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    1. Hmm, it is how ever you choose to see it. To laugh, yet get the lesson in it.

      I agree, we shouldn't make God the spare tyre. He should be the first person we run to

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  30. True on every count. I especially don't like reading the "Celebrity Marriage Experts". It just annoys me cos most of their marriages are not IT.

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    1. Abi naa. They should apply their tips to sort out their own first.

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  31. Try Peter's counsel, "Ye husbands likewise, dwell with them according to knowledge, as with a weaker, even the female, vessel, giving them honour, as also fellow-heirs of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered", chap 3: 7. That may not be all popular these days!

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    1. Gbam! You hit it straight on the head

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  32. I love this post and you are correct. I say turn to God first.. if you feel like you want advice from other people, then you oen yourself to a mixture of good and bad advice. It is now up to the individual to sift through them and pick the good advice. One who can't do this just lays themself open to disaster!

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    1. Yes o. We have to be wise enough to know what to take, and what to throw away.

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  33. LOL! Atilola. you re so in tune wit those topics that we only think of and vex about within. Me i don tire sef. I just do a lot of eye rolling nowadays.
    How are you my dear? I'm catching up as you can see!

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    1. Lol oo. Maybe we are in the spirit. We should even hook up one of these days, so you can spoil me.

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  34. How did I miss this?
    Spot on, Ilola!

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What's your opinion on this? Let's learn from one another.