Six ways to become a modern day Marriage Counsellor/Relationship Expert by Atilola Moronfolu

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The days of having to spend money going to expensive counselling school in the US is over. Who says you have to waste precious time reading all those books and engaging in those time wasting psycho analysis, just because you want to be a respected marriage counsellor?

There are sure better and faster ways to becoming a marriage or relationship expert, especially in this age when the pressure to get married is so high, and the one to get divorced is even higher, your skills as a relationship expert is definitely going to be worth a lot, especially if you use avenues where people can assess this expertise of your, like the internet.

So here are six sure fast ways to become a marriage or relationship expert

1. Get married

What better way to become a marriage expert than living the experience yourself. Get married, and use your experience as a blanket method to advise everyone. It doesn’t matter if your relationship with your spouse is unique. It doesn’t matter if the person whose relationship problem you are trying to solve is in a courtship with someone who likes beans, while your spouse likes rice. Don’t care about differences in personalities. As long as you are married, whether the marriage is 1 minute old, 1 day old, or 100 years old, you are automatically a relationship expert.

Also, no one cares if you are happy in your marriage, sad, battered, have been keeping malice with your spouse for the past six months or six years. As long you got a ring on your finger, you are automatically are a relationship expert.

2. Get divorced

This is another fast way to be a relationship expert. You are more equipped in recognising the signs of a bad marriage, who not to marry, and who not to date. The more divorces you have on your hands, the more certificates of marriage counselling you are equipped with, the more people respect this expertise of yours. You sure will be getting a lot of sad married women as customers.

So yes go ahead and get divorced. Who says your pain has to be wasted? You can cash out it by becoming a relationship expert.

3. Be a prophet or seer

It doesn’t matter what your state is… rich, poor, tall, short, thin, fat, whatever. As long as you are a prophet, you will be seeing visions that God will reveal to only you. He won’t reveal to either of the parties in the relationship or marriage. After all, they are not blessed with the prophetic gift you have. As long as you are a prophet, God will tell you who kola should or shouldn’t marry, without informing kola. He will tell you how many kids Angela should have, and what she should be cooking for her husband every morning and night.

In fact when you are a prophet, you will become a relationship expert with the highest form of control, as we give great respect to our prophets on this side of the world. So yes, become a prophet/seer to be a counsellor, and if you can’t become one, lie that you are one. it’s really difficult to know the difference. Trust me.

4. Be a modern day pastor

This is another relationship expert that has almost as much control as the prophet. It doesn’t matter when you were ordained pastor, or what ministry you were called to. Whether your calling is warfare, deliverance, holiness preaching, prosperity preaching, motivational preaching, or any other specific one God calls pastors to concentrate on. As long as you are a pastor, you are a qualified marriage counsellor. Your congregation will not even be bothered about how you treat your wife, whether you love her like Christ loves the church, whether you beat her, or belt her, whether you give attention to your kids, or put the church before your family. No one cares.

It will also do you good not to address the issues when your sheep come running to you when there is a problem in their relationship or marriage. Just tell them that what God wants is for them to go back home, and close your eyes to the real issues. Once you are pastor-something, you are an automatic marriage counsellor and relationship expert. And the good thing is that the ladies will love you, especially the ones who have a problem in their marriage. The thing is, you must be careful lest you are tempted to fill the vacuum their husbands have refused to fill, so you won’t be relieved from your pastoral responsibilities, and lose that precious relationship expert certificate, and you will have to stop practising.

5. Be a musician or any other kind of celebrity

Once you are a musician, and have the ability to spew words, add beats to them, and get a dead club jamming, you are automatically a relationship expert. Go on twitter, Facebook, etc., and let the whole world know your opinion about relationships and marriages. Your ever-loyal twitter followers and Facebook fans will be sure to spread your sagacious words to the public. It doesn’t matter whether you are married, single, or divorced, holy or a saint, frat member or cultist, whether you lick tom-tom, or smoke weed publicly, sing meaningful songs or thrashy meaningless songs, or whatever. As long as you are a celebrity, the world will respect the fact that you could rise above many and become famous, however you were able to achieve that. You will automatically be respected as a relationship expert and marriage counsellor.

6. Be a blogger/commenter

If you can’t do any of the above for now, start a blog… any kind of blog, but romance blog or occasional romance articles will work best in your interest. You can either be a known face or anonymous. We don’t care. As long as you can drive traffic to your blog, we will see you as a relationship expert. Start a 'ask the blogger' series, advise us, tell us what you feel is right about sex and courtship, it would even do you good to be forceful about it. We really don’t care about your credentials or history. The fact that you are only accessible online will prevent people who don’t agree with your views from stoning you.

If you are too lazy to start a romance blog, just become a regular commenter on such blogs. As long as you are consistent in commenting on such blogs, you will be noticed, and recognised as a marriage counsellor and relationship expert.

So yes, these are six ways to drive the marriage counselling experts out of business. Pick the one most convenient for you and you are sure to be cashing in some bucks very soon.

Atilola’s words.

This article wasn’t written to diss any particular person, so if anyone feels am talking to them or anyone, you are wrongly mistaken, and I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

I wrote this post because I noticed that in recent times, everyone has become a relationship expert, which is ironic because, the more these so-called expert advices are flying around, the more relationships and marriage are failing.

My own opinion is that marriage is a good thing, and God is the author of marriage. If you have problem with your Honda car, you would most likely take it to 'The Honda Place' for repairs if you can afford it. So why is it that now that we are having problems with courtship and marriage, we are not turning to God, the manufacturer, for help? We would rather listen to the six personalities mentioned above, people who might even be in the same problem or worse than us.

Counselling is good and necessary at times, but choose your counsellors wisely.