Who trains the woman? Parents or Marriage?

A friend of mine told me something about how somebody she had to work with was very difficult to get along with. She said she always liked to have her way, etc. Seeing, I had no solution to offer, I said “don’t worry she will change. She has no choice. Once she gets married, she will learn.”

Some weeks later, I remembered what I said, and pointed guilty fingers at myself for making such a statement.

Why do people always wait for marriage to teach their female wards some lessons?

Let me explain better. You have a daughter/sister/friend who has a very bad character flaw, one so bad that you know that it might hinder her in some areas in future. Instead of you to correct that character flaw, you leave it to fester because “marriage will teach her. Marriage will mellow her. Her husband will teach her real sense… etc”

Source

We therefore bring up severely flawed ladies, unleash them to the claws of marriage to do what the parents couldn’t succeed in doing.

Yorubas even have a proverb for it “Ile oko, Ile eko.” Meaning “Husband’s house is training house.”

Sometimes, it is really bad, as the character flaw that wasn’t corrected makes the marriage unbearable for both parties, and things go south.

Someone told me a true story of this Igbo man...

His daughter brought a man home, saying they wanted to get married. The man refused to allow his daughter marry her suitor. She pleaded with him. He refused. She said they had both prayed. The suitor kept telling the man that the lady was God’s will for him. The man told the suitor that “my daughter is not your wife. Go and find your wife. This girl is not yours.” They called family members, friends, church members, etc. to plead with him, but he refused to budge.

The couple had no choice but to go their separate ways.

Two years later, the daughter brought another man home, who wanted to marry her. Without any stress, her father gave his blessing. Everyone was shocked, as they had started planning how they would have to beg the man to allow his daughter go.

The daughter later went to meet her father in confusion, stating how she didn’t understand her father. She said two years ago, she brought home a very good guy who was every girl’s dream, and he said no. And now, he didn’t even raise any objections. She asked why he didn’t like that other guy enough to allow them get married.

The man’s response…

He said he really liked the guy she brought home 2 years ago, that he was a great guy really in love with his daughter. But his daughter was not a great person, which is why he doubted the whole “God’s will for me is your daughter.” He said his daughter could not keep a home, maintain a kitchen, or raise a family. Her head was too out there, and had absolutely no home-making skills. He said their marriage would have been a disaster, and he didn’t want to do such an injustice to the man. He said he had watched her for the past two years, that ever since she was denied her first marriage, she had calmed down, and started learning basic home-training skills, and was much more better as a person. This is why he did not hesitate when she brought the second guy, because she was now ready for marriage.

His reaction had nothing to do with the men she brought, but his daughter as a person.

This is a true life story.

I really respected the father in this story. Many parents would have been eager to unleash their ill-mannered daughters on such an unsuspecting young man, so she could go and complete her home-training in marriage. But this man was wiser.

I think this is how it should be. Well-rounded girls, and well-brought up men coming together to become and raise a family. That way, marriages have a chance of lasting longer, and they wouldn’t be dysfunctional.