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| Picture from Chantle White |
Two weeks to your eleventh birthday, it is summer time. You are not allowed to play or travel because your results are not very good. Your brothers have gone to the boys scout summer camp. Mummy is in a conference in Brazil and the nanny stays with you before your private lesson teacher comes to teach you. You haven’t taken your bath and still in your nightwear. Daddy comes home from work by 11am. He says he is too tired to go to work, he tells the nanny to go home. You are happy, daddy has come home to play with you. He sits down and you jump on his lap, you pull his ears and nose and laugh at how big they are. He touches you small breasts, you think it is a mistake so you ignore. Then he starts groping you all over, you are in shock, this is daddy, your lovely daddy, not Uncle Peter or Cousin Kola. He removes your cloth and forces himself inside you. You are screaming as he is on you, he covers your mouth and slaps you. He gets up, he tells you never to mention a word to mummy because she will never believe you. You run into your room, you cry all day. Mummy is coming back from Brazil tomorrow. You don’t believe daddy so you decide that you will tell mummy, because you know she will do something about it. You don’t sleep all night, anxiety takes over your being.
Tomorrow comes! It is 1pm, and mummy arrives. She is happy to see you, she sees your eyes, she takes you to your room and asks what is wrong. She hardly gets the question out before the events of last night all comes spilling out of your lips. You are done talking, you see the emotions, the change in mummy’s face and before you know what is happening, a hard smack lands on your cheeks. Same cheeks daddy smacked last night, second time in a row. She says ‘How dare you? How dare you concoct such lies against my husband? I know! I know you have been trying to seduce my husband and take his affections from me. When your plan did not work, you now decided to tell lies against him. I am very sure my baby was switched at the hospital, because you can never be my daughter.’ She hits you harder all over your body and sends you to your room. Life between mummy and daddy remain the same as usual, they are all smiles but mummy now hates you and makes you do all the house chores and calls you small devil.
Cut
The end goes this way
You are 38, a bank manager, used and abused by all sorts of men in the past, domineering in the present. You haven’t seen your family in eighteen years, and you have no intentions of doing that. You are wealthy and lack nothing but you are searching… searching for love, the love you have never found, but everyone seems to have. You are looking in the wrong places, searching for love…
This is all I can share out of the story. The rest is inside the book, lol. Please, share your comments and criticisms. They are much needed
P.S: For those not following my natural hair blog, please, read the Most Popular Natural Hair Myth on it. I posted it some weeks back. I believe it will clear some misinformation about natural hair and how difficult it is to maintain. Thanks so much
First off, sorry about your phone though I have no idea how to retrieve docs.
ReplyDeleteOn the story, this is second person, not first. You have a good story, even if it is a bit too mechanical, unless you're keeping away some details? Show more about the girl's feelings, etc. And are we to assume she had been abused by her uncle and cousin too?
oh! blogger had done it again!
ReplyDeletewrote a long comment,,then....
ha! it worked...as i said.. i got angrier as her mum slapped her...was she related to her father by blood?..becox her mum's comment makes me believe they are not related.... this is tell you, i was immersed in it...more inspiration to your pen.
ReplyDeleteLike the straight approach without the melodramatic.....weldone..
I loved the story line... but is this an excerpt from the book or you are just giving us a little summary? I don't know much about writing but I think this looks sketchy. Can't wait to read more cos child abuse is a topic close to my heart.
ReplyDeleteDis is a serious case of "if u ask me, na who I go ask o" Good story. There are so many pple who'v gone thru dis bt d society is very tight-lipped about it. Pls give it some kinda twists & turns dat we don't see coming. I kinda culd tell where u were going with it.
ReplyDeleteAlso like Myne said, show more feelings & describe more. Feels like ur giving us d bone without much flesh...d siblings nko, wen dey got back?...or u wana make us buy d book to get all d juicy details.. Nice work & sorry abt ur fone
I can imagine how you feel with your lost docs. pele o. If it's not the battery then i'm not too sure of what may be wrong.
ReplyDeleteYour story line is good and relevant as it is something that people experience even though it's not talked about. Like Myne said, this is second person and not first. Although you mentioned you prefer to write this way, I think you should consider picking a character to make it more real even though you'll still write in second person narrative cos the narration here is more vague and usually more suited for thrillers/suspense IMHO. But all in all it's a good story line. All the best with your book and I hope we get to read excerpts.*wink*
the mum is living in denial for sure. i dnt get why a mum wont believe her child when sumthing like this happens..it's so sad!
ReplyDelete@ myne: I am so grateful for your comment. I intended to write second person, not first person, I guess I didn't write what I was thinking, lol
ReplyDeleteYes, I am keeping some details, but I will take your advice and depict her feelings more.
Also, yes she has been abused my a neighbour and her cousin before. This is just an excerpt of the story, not the full thing
@ Ibhade: thanks and yes her mum slapped her and the guy is her real father. It is based on true stories of several girls. What happens is that their mothers go into denial mode. Thanks for the compliment
@ Okeghene: thanks. As I said, this is an excerpt from one of the short stories in the book. Then I skipped some paragraphs and went to the last paragraph. I agree that it is sketchy, and its because it is not the whole short story
@ Toinlicious: thanks. Twists and turns advice accepted, lol. But you don't know where I was coming from naa, and what happened in the parts that I skipped before the end. Still, I will go back to the drawing board.
I just don't think it will be nice to give you the whole story, when the original story itself is short, you get, Thanks so much
@ Anonymous - Brinka 2011: na wa o, we are not fighting naa, how did I paint a picture I know nothing about? Its a story I wrote, so I know all about it. I just decided to give sketchy details so that I could get constructive criticisms about the style of writing, I am still in the process of writing. I didn't know that I am popular by 'publishing this blog' as you put it. Is it bad to put pictures? And no, I don't think I can get away by giving you crap accompanied with a picture.
ReplyDeleteDid you, by chance, skip the part where I said it is an excerpt from a short story? It means its not the whole thing. Thanks for dropping by and commenting. Just found out that you deleted your comment
@ stelzz: its not battery o, thanks sha. I made a mistake typing 'first' instead of 'second'. For this story, I chose to write it this way cos I want any reader to feel like I am talking to him/her cos this child abuse issue is so real and happens much more than its talked about. I will take your advice in a whole and see how I can make it better. Thanks for all
@ kitkat: yes o, serious denial. She chose the husband's mess above the child's welfare. Unfortunately, some children go through this sad situation
This is one topic that breaks my heart, how can people be so heartless as to destroy the innocence of a child that trusts you. Would really love the read the full story, this one is just the skeleton...lol, cant wait to see it when the flesh is added on.
ReplyDeleteOn a "gbegborun" level (covers eyes in small shame), I really wish Anonymous did not delete his/her comment, would have loved to understand where the anger was coming from.
This is deep! However, you seem to have spared us the deep details. You somewhat rushed the whole thing and makes it look mechanical, like Myne said. Your style of writing is good but I just don't seem to personally like it...
ReplyDeleteSorry about ur phone. Have you charged it again?
My 2cents.
- LDP
its not just that the dad raped her that breaks my heart...........how can the mum do that?....ah well..
ReplyDeletenice story
Nice one sis, eagerly looking forward to the book oh. I hope it will be easily accessible when it is out, it will make a good read.
ReplyDeleteThe story is a bit pathetic, I am not a professional so I can criticise too much, except that I think the suspense in the story line was not tight enough.....I already knew what would become of her in future.....
I can understand the mother's fears but how on earth could she have reacted like that at the expense of her own daughter's future and happiness??? Infact, she should take more blame than the father jare---God help me be a good mother who will be there for my daughter(s) in the trying moments.
more ink to your pen, sis!!!
So much for being a mum and it's funny cos these things really happen... This looks promising. Hoping the book would have more depth.
ReplyDeleteDoes your phone have a memory card? You could try putting the card in another phone...
The story is deep and really touching. It saddens my heart when mothers also help contribute the sufferings of their children.
ReplyDeleteWell, can't say much unless i read the whole story. its a deep topic which you don't do just by cutting short.
ReplyDeleteSorry about your phone. Gone to computer village yet?
Sorry about your phone dear, hope you sort it out soon and hope the documents will still be intact.
ReplyDeleteThe excerpt from your book is touching. It's really terrible that the mother chose to be in denial. It's kind of predictable too how the daughter will turn out in the future. Like other people already said, suspense will add to the thrill. Well done babe.
I'm sorry about your phone.
ReplyDeleteIf this is an excerpt then its a good one...All the best in your writing.
We are new in blogsville, please take time to check our blog on www.fly4cheaperblog.blogspot.com
I'm sorry about your phone.
ReplyDeleteand this is deep...cant wait to see your book
This was quite engaging and I liked the turn of events, i.e she actually told her mummy what happened, but her mother's reaction was the same as if someone had told the mother her husband was having an affair with her sister or something. I really felt sad for the little girl. Sexual abuse is no joke and it is so prevalent, it is not even funny.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it seems like a summary or like a raw sketch of the way the events are supposed to go. I think this is a good storyline and I want to read more. It isn't quite done yet.
Meanwhile, pele o, as per your phone acting up. That's a bummer! I really hope you get to retrieve your data soon.
@ Jhazmyn: ok oo, I will repost it when I add flesh, no worries
ReplyDeleteLol at small shame. I wondered about the deleted comment too. Unfortunately, the comment was already in my mailbox
@ LDP: eeyah, you don't like my style of writing? (Sad face). Don't worry, I'l give you details soon
@ Luciano: thanks, sad but true
@ omoba-adeteju: thanks, by the grace of God, it will be easily accessible. I will repost the story and I hope you get the suspense you seek then. As for the mother, I will share a shocking story with you in my next post
@ Mstizzle: yes o, they do happen. Yes, the book will have more depth. Unfortunately, d documents are in the notes folder and not on d memory card
ReplyDelete@ 'Lara: Abi o, sometimes, family aint family in our lives
@ Ginger: lol, sorry for cutting it short. I will do it justice soon
@ Che: Thanks so much, I will add the suspense and repost
You got a pretty good imagination, interesting story to read, it would read better if you slowed down though, like giving less information at a time... i like how the story started, and details like the brothers going to summer camp and all, you could keep that up all through the story
ReplyDeleteOkay, since you asked for criticisms.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion,second-person is the least-used form in novels, mainly because it usually reads more awkwardly and that's what others mean when they say 'mechanical'. I think it will read better with a different narrative style.
I was going to ask you not to rush into the story and to slow down to explore feelings and events better because the molestation scene happened in less than 5 lines, but since its an excerpt I guess u must have skipped some lines.
Good work :)
Sorry about the phone,
ReplyDeleteThe storyline is one of those topics that stirs up anger in me....... Can't wait to read the rest of the story
I think the story will be full of suspense, cause its already building up. But we need to know her age as at the time she was abused by her dad. also, where can we get a copy of the book if its finally out? About the phone, I think a very good phone repair shop can help.
ReplyDelete@tilola hmm missed you, had to stop by Blogsville today. Sorry about your phone.... Hope you good?
ReplyDeleteNice story,read through all the comments and I don't really want to say anything others have said,cos I'm not an expert here but the style of writing is very tactical and must be narrated in a way people would understand and look forward to more.
Btw,its not easy to take constructive criticism so I "gbadun" your courage right now- it helps anyway!
Will look out for more on this story okay and congrats on this book you're writing(Thumbs up)
Sorry about your phone even though I cannot be of any help. As already mentioned by some, I also share the view the storyline looks good but just needs developing.
ReplyDeleteI personally will lose interest if I'm not engaged from the beginnning of a book. But since it's an excerpt, I wouldn't be too hard on you, well done!
@ fly4cheaper: thanks
ReplyDelete@ relentless builder: yes o, it aint funny.I will do more work on it
@ sugarcoated: funny enough, that isn't the beginning of the story, niways thanks for appreciating. Will put it up later
@ Ms 'dufa: thanks so much for shedding this light, now I understand better. I will do much more work
@ koinonia: I feel your frustration, it stirs up so much anger
ReplyDelete@ priscy: lol, her age was stated in the previous paragraph, she was actually 11. Don't know if I'll stick with dat age
@ enybees: how's prep goin o? Shey its all fine. Thanks for d advice and encouragement
@ naija4life: pweeze, don't be hard on me (sulky face) lol. Don't worry, it'll be berra
Ha!!! and her mum didn't believe her, seriously who sits down to fabricate such lies against their father, mothers/women in general need to wise up oh.
ReplyDeleteVery nice story, I can't wait to read more 'double thumbs up'
Most of my intended comments have already been stated. Just to add to Ms dufa's comment; the second person sounds awkward and defeats ur purpose of personalising the story. When I read "u" I think of "u". But when I read "I", I tend to think of myself - putting myself in the person's shoes.
ReplyDeleteAlso the criticism of mechanical, lack of emotion & suspense is a consequence of the style u chose. Second person doesn't give u too much control over the intrigues of a story. I think u should consider reviewing either as 1st or 3rd person.
On a lighter (and perhaps raw/african) note: why the girl no report the cousin, neighbour etc wey don dey "handle am" since? Maybe her mum is right on the account that she is a small devil.
@ Coy Intovert: Dom't mind the woman, she's in serious denial
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous: Thanks so much for this also. I am still trying to settle for either 1st or 3rd person.
It is because I did not post the previous parts of the story that you don't know why she did not report the previous people. She aint a devil o
serious something!
ReplyDeletequite intense. God forbid sha lol God forbid is becoming what I comment the most these days - nawa
I pray our generation will handle things like this a lot better and in the right way