The Yuppy Sugar Daddy

Old yuppy: I like you very much, I want to marry you. Or do you think I'm an old man, I’m not old. I’m still a small boy, I am just 42 yrs old

This is just wonderful!

Old yuppy: I am not looking for a girlfriend, I’m looking for a wife, my wife died four years ago. I have one child only

Eeew! How do these old men always find me?

Old yuppy: As I saw you, I fell for you instantly because I really like your ‘combination’.

This was the persuasion the old man resorted to after an earlier session of boasting. I was smiling toothily throughout the encounter with the man which is not surprising since it was the same way I smiled throughout the time I spent with some people that carried me five years ago intending to use me for some ritual routine. I smiled till they dropped me. It is not that I like smiling but I get amused easily when a drama unfolds in front of me and I’m the main actor.

Let me rewind back to the beginning. For the first time, I got free pass to leave work early on a particular Monday and I decided to go to church. Almost getting there, a jeep conveying two men drove past me and I heard…

Old yuppy: Please come.

Thinking he wanted to ask for directions, I obliged.

Old yuppy: Are you a yoruba girl?

Ok @ilola, now is the time for you to keep on walking, but wait, this promises to be interesting. I have been bored for a while now. It won’t be a bad idea to engage this man a bit. It looks like a scene in a Nigerian home video. This is so cool, I can be a real life actor.

@ilola: yes

Old yuppy: What state are you from?

@ilola: ABC state

Old yuppy: I am from ABC state too, 123 town to be precise, I have a house there. Where in ABC are you from?

@ilola: XYZ

Old yuppy: Ah! I know XYZ very well, I have a house there.

Ok, why is this man trying to find common ground with me? Well, I wanted the drama, so let’s go theerrreee...

Old yuppy: (He continues) When there was trouble… (I got lost here as I am distracted by his appearance), that’s when I left my house in Lagos and built another one in XYZ.

Eeh eeh, who asked for story?

Old yuppy: I work with NNPC, I’m a big man in NNPC, Port Harcourt office. Any time I come home, XYZ is where I settle. I have houses all around. (My toothy smile is still there)

Oh, what a character?

Old yuppy: where are you going?

@ilola: Just there (I stretched my hand and pointed forward because I didn’t want him to offer me a ride).

I looked at the man whose appearance reminded me of the Oyo state governor except that he didn’t bleach his skin. He had gold hanging all over his body with splotches of grey hair. He looked more to me like the chairman of Nigerian Union of Road Transport Workers.

Old yuppy: Please, give me your number.

I couldn’t say I did not have a phone, he’d know I’m lying. I shook my head, laughed and for the first time in the conversation, I said a full sentence.

@ilola: I can’t give you my number

Old yuppy: Please

@ilola: Sir, I won’t give you my number. Don’t even bother asking me again.

I guess the old man sensed that it was a lost battle.

Old yuppy: Ok, let me give you mine then

@ilola: ok

Old yuppy: Bring your phone out. (Still trying to think of the best way to escape this, the man noticed my hesitation). Ok, do you have a pen?

@ilola: No

His friend brought out a pen and tore a piece of paper out of Old yuppy’s jotter, as he was putting the number down, that’s when he switched from the boasting mode to the persuasive mode I started this post with.

Old yuppy: (Collecting the number from his friend and scanning through) Since you didn’t give me your number, I know that when you take some steps forward, you will throw that paper away. But please, I beg you, don’t do that. Call me please. Will you call me tonight? Promise me you will call me (I smiled and nodded)

Old yuppy: Even if you can’t call me because you are shy, go to business center and call me. Let me tell you something, if you call me tonight, I promise you, I will send you recharge card immediately!

Yeeeehhh… Insult upon injury! Upon all my baffing up, with all my designer wear, He thinks I am as cheap as a recharge card.

Old yuppy: Please call me tonight (He handed me the paper, I am really surprised because it was written on a NNPC paper. I thought he was lying since he looked like an Agbero chief).

Old yuppy: What is your name?

Interesting, putting the cart before the horse. He must have been more interested in my 'combination' than my name

@ilola: @ilola

Old yuppy: I am also Ola, I am Engineer Ola-something so you see, we are both Olas. Where do you work?

Oh, so you can see I work and you wanted to entice me with common recharge card. Now I’m getting bored, this movie needs to come to an end.

@ilola: I can’t tell you sir

Friend: Come inside the car, let’s drop you. (I was beginning to shake my head)

Old yuppy: There is no need for that, she is already suspecting that we are kidnappers. What I just want is for her to call me tonight. (Turning back to me) Are you a muslim or a Christian?

@ilola: Christian

Old yuppy: I am also a Christian

I knew that was coming, after all you have been trying to tell me that we have everything in common.

I am really getting tired of this Nollywood production and getting late for church.

@ilola: I have to go, I am late

He was still talking, I started walking away and left him, he drove past me reciting more pleas for me to call him. I made sure I did not throw the paper away immediately because he might just be looking just to make sure his suspicions didn’t come to pass. I rushed to church, walked into the church hall, dropped my bag and stepped out to quickly blog this on my phone before the details get blurry.