On a fateful afternoon, 22 year old Peter died, and was instantly transported to the presence of the Lord to face judgement. Immediately he faced the Lord, he knew something was seriously wrong.
“Peter, to be very honest, I am not happy with the way you lived your life while you were on earth.”
“Ooh Jeez, Lol. I thought you and I were BFFs. How can you say you are not happy with me? IMHO, I did the best I could do. Jeez, you can’t be serious. In fact, I am LMHO. After all, when my friends were celebrating, I pinged them HBD, HWA, HML or GBU, depending on the occasion they were celebrating. I tried to be as nice as possible. What more could I have done?” Peter tried to defend himself.
“Excuse me Son, what is the meaning of what you are saying. I created humans, and all the languages in the world, but I can’t seem to understand this funny language you are speaking to me.”
At this point Peter, who had developed a short attention span due to his addiction to technology while he was on earth, started getting carried away by his new surroundings, and was looking round this new environment.
“OMG!!!! Is that my younger brother, Andrew, the one who died at the age of eight? Wow, it’s been long time I spoke with him. I must go and talk to him. BRB Jeez.”
The Lord immediately pulled him back with an invisible force. “I don’t think you know whose presence you are before. I don’t think it has dawned on you yet.”
“Ohhh Jeez, that’s true Lord. I meant no disrespect to you Lord. To be honest, I really don’t I can stand your presence, it is just too awesome. Your eyes are too holy to behold iniquity. Facing you at this time just reminds me of what a sinful man I am. Oh Lord, I really cannot do this. Let me just go to the next street, and call you from there on my phone. I will use the opportunity to walk the streets of gold for a while. And if by the time I am speaking to you, I cannot stand your voice, we will just do this whole ‘passing my judgment’ thing by SMS. Better still Lord, let’s chat over BBM or Whatsapp if you prefer that, since it seems people are migrating to Whatsapp these days. It won’t cost a dime since I just paid for my monthly subscription yesterday. That was before the car hit me. Jeez, I hope your subscription hasn’t expired.
“I am really shaking my head at your ignorance, son. If I paid the ultimate and most expensive price two thousand years ago, do you really think the price for a BBM subscription or whatever you call it will be a big deal for me?”
“Okay Lord, I am sorry. You see… that is what I am talking about right there. You do not think the way we humans think. You intimidate me Lord, I am not going to be able to stand in your presence much longer. Let me just go to the corner so we can PING each other. You can tell me what I did on earth to please you, so you can just pass my judgement over the phone. I am pretty sure I am coming to heaven anyway. After all, I was pretty cool on earth.”
“Oh no… not so fast. You have to stay in my presence. That’s how judgment is passed here. There’s no hiding from the shamelessness of your actions while you were on earth.”
“Wow jeez, if you acted this way on the internet in my world, you would have been referred to as a Cyber bully. Okay, okay, I accept Lord. After all, I really don’t have a choice.”
“Wrong dear, when it comes to me, you always have a choice. The earth is man’s domain; therefore, the choice of what to do was yours. This place is my domain, so the choice here is mine. So if I have decided that no BBM PINGing or Whatsapp-ing is allowed here, then take it as final.
“There goes that language I don’t understand again.” The Lord retorted. “I see that the influence of this technology on your life has affected the way you and a lot of people on earth interact with other human beings. Your social etiquette has actually being so much affected, because you spend a larger percentage of your waking hours hunched over one gadget or the other, rather than with human beings.”
“Anyway, let’s get on with your judgment. But before we even begin, I am the God of all, the whole heaven and earth. Yet you find it hard to stand straight before me, even though you claim to be in awe of my presence. Do you know the reason for this?”
“No jeez.” Peter replied.
“Well, it is because you have developed a bad posture of slouching, due to the fact that you are always walking with your head down, and shoulders hunched over a Smartphone. Your reliance on back-bending computers has caused you to ignore your mother’s advice to stand up straight. Therefore, your backbone therefore has been permanently bent.”
“So right now, even if I wanted you to stand straight in my presence, I could not achieve it without having to tamper with your freewill.”
“Looking at your activities on earth, to summarise the whole thing, you have been found guilty of misusing technology.”
“Guilty of misusing technology? With all due respect Lord, I really doubt that.”
“Oh really? Okay then, spell my name.”
“Well, according to internetslang.com, it is G-A-W-D. Simple!”
“Nice one Peter, thank you for clearing the last shred of doubt I had left. Now, I don’t want to hear one more word from you. Straight to the judgment…”
You have been found guilty of lying and intentional deceit. For every Friday night you tweeted ‘Clubbing trips’, even though in truth, you were just drooling saliva on your pillow, because you did not have real-life friends to hang out with, for every summer you spent in the Boy Scout boot camp, but you used Photoshop to create a picture of you in a false location, uploaded it on Facebook, and typed ‘Hawai sturves’, for all the times you were jobless, but were always fast to update your phone DPs to pictures of I hate Mondays, and Thank God it’s Friday(TGIF), so people will have the impression that you had a very busy time at work- for all those times, you have displeased me. You have therefore been found guilty of lying and deceit with the use of technology.
You always arrive late to every meeting you have because you were carried away by either playing game on your PS2 or your iPad. You then send a text message to the people fifteen minutes before the time of the meeting, saying, “Running late, will be there in an hour’s time. TTYL”, not caring whether the other attendees are already there or not. That my son, is the sin selfishness with the use of technology.
You have been found guilty of terrorism. I know you are not a member of Al-Qaeda, have never encouraged anyone to be a suicide bomber, and are not on the US no-fly list since they don’t see you as a threat, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are a terrorist anyway.
You are just an introverted 22 year old guy, who cannot even open your mouth to save your life when you are being bullied in school. You are nerdy, and have issues talking to people, thanks to your underdeveloped social skills. Yet, you sit behind the screen to assume a larger-than-life persona on social media. You therefore bully people, drive people to depression with your wicked comments on different forums. I am sure if these people knew just how insecure and powerless you were in real life, they would have paid no heed to you, but unfortunately, they did not. You have therefore been found guilty of terrorism with the use of technology.
You have been found guilty of disrespecting my name. Peter, I checked your recent tweets before you died. You joined the people doing the GodIsWatchingYou hash tag trend on twitter. If that were all, it would have been better. You tweeted things like “All dez girls dt wear 'Arse Pad' and deceive boys... #GodIsWatchingYou. Shout Out to all the Choir Masters on my TL who (f-word) their Choir-sisters after Choir Practice...#GodIsWatchingYou. I really don’t understand it Peter, I don’t know where you and your friends get the courage to do this. You dare disrespect my name by putting it in the same sentence with vulgar words. You have therefore been found guilty of committing the sin of disrespecting and taking my name in vain with the use of technology.
You are guilty of being wicked. You broke up with four girls by text message, not caring about their feelings. You did not have the courtesy to call and speak with them. You had to send them such insensitive messages.
You sent this to Clara, “Have I told you lately how much I am in love with you? No? Think about it, have a great life...”
And this to Janet, “I'd climb the highest mountain. I'd swim the ocean blue. I'd do anything at all my dear - just to get away from you.”
Then you pinged this to Alicia, “I get so emotional when you are not around. I think the emotion is called happiness.”
And this to Latisha, “The only thing worse than being alone, is being with you.”
You did all these over the phone. Now my dear, that is just the height of insensitivity.”
At this point, shock could not even begin to describe the look on Peter’s face. To say that he was dazed would be an understatement.
“Why are you looking at me with such a shocked face? Oh, you thought I won’t see everything? Well, let me tell you, Just like the devil’s eyes goes to and fro, looking for whom to devour, my eyes also goes to and fro the earth. Did you forget that I am the omnipresent one? Yes my dear, all your deeds are in this book for me to read. I am guessing you are no more thinking that you and I doing this ‘whole judgment thing’, as you put it, over BBM PINGs or Whatsapp is such a nice idea after all. In fact, I think if I had agreed to your request, you would have even switched off the phone on me by now, like you usually did to avoid confrontation while you were on earth.
You have been found guilty of murder. Now, wipe that surprised look of your face. I am the God of the whole earth, and I know you are thinking you did not kill anyone. But you see… you did. I understand the fact that you were texting and driving at the same time when you had this accident that sent you to my very presence. So you see… you are guilty of murder. You murdered yourself. You committed murder with the use of technology.”
Of course, by now, Peter was completely speechless.
“So my dear Peter, it breaks my heart to tell you this, but you leave me with no choice. There is therefore no place for people like you in my kingdom. While you were on earth, you were supposed to obey my commandments but you decided to do your own thing. For this reason, you will not be able to come into this place. You would have to go to hell, and be with the devil. I doubt that that will be an issue for you, as with your use of technology, you had been dining with him all through the period you were on earth, so you should be used to it by now.
Peter suddenly found courage to talk again, only this time, he was not so confident and cocky anymore. “OMG! Please Lord, give me one more chance. I promise I would turn over a new leaf.”
“My judgment is final, Peter.”
“Please Lord, just one more chance, I promise. I would forever be a good person.”
After over two hours of begging God with his chat lingo…
What happened to Peter at the end of the day? Find out this and more humour stories in a copy of my new book, For Laff's Sake.
You can purchase the kindle version and hard copy from amazon, or download the soft copy on your android device for just N200 if you are in Nigeria. The hard copy is also available on createspace.com