Journey to Marriage 9 - The end of the beginning

Hi people. Thanks for following me through this journey. I have now decided that I will be taking down the posts in this series once they are two weeks old. That will help me create a balance between making sure the people interested are reading and not putting my life out there for everyone to dissect for eternity.

Before the one month period was over, I kind of already knew I was going to marry him (like I said in the previous edition), also because he had already fallen in love with me, though there was still some degree of holding back. Remember we had just seen twice (the first day we met, and our first date)

Still I was nervous as to how the one month review would play out. During that one month period, we had asked each other questions, me being the one with the most (he said he already knew most of what he wanted to know about me. I know he'd been snooping me out on social media, lol)

I want to recall one time. He had asked about my age, which he already knew from one of my newspaper interviews. Then he asked when I want to get married. It was really awkward for me.

Please let's calculate this together. A guy who you like and likes you but you are not sure about his intentions on marriage asks for your age, and then asks when I wanted to get married.

Everyone who has been following this series knows the answer to that question. I had been telling the whole world I was getting married this year. It was on my vision board, staring right at me, from my wall. The answer was everywhere, but I didn't want to seem desperate to him or that everything we were doing was just a ticket out of singleness for me.

So I lied

I said "I don't know, I'm not sure. Maybe sometime next year."

It was a big fat lie!

His reply was "okay, that's fair enough."

Anyway, moving on, the one month review was supposed to end on a Sunday, and our date was supposed to be Monday.

BH sends a message on Thursday to bring it backwards to Sunday cos Monday would be stressful. On Friday night, I was at vigil, and went straight to our annual women's conference in church on Saturday, which was all day (my church is not really far from BH's house)

Towards the last segment of the conference, BH calls me and says he's coming to my church. He's moving the date, which is no longer a date one day backwards again because he has to be at a study group almost all day on Sunday and he won't want our date to be late into the night. In my mind, I was like "Hmm, this guy really can't wait to see me, that's why he's so much in a hurry." Lol.

Let's just say I wasn't prepared at all. I had hardly slept after vigil, and if I was going to be getting into a relationship, I should at least be ready for it. Yellow Sisi, who was with me at this time quickly gave me her perfume to spray, told me to wear light makeup and assured me that the Ankara jacket and denim I had on was good. Thank God my hair had just been made four days earlier.

At the conference, the last segment was the breakout session. There were 5 groups, parenting, singles, finance, and two more I can't remember, maybe career and wives, I'm not sure. Naturally, I chose the singles focus group. Immediately I stepped into the singles group to sit (which was supposed to be my first gathering with singles as a single person for the year), I had hardly sat down for 10 seconds when BH arrived and asked me to come to the basement.

To me, this was a prophetic sign. I just had no business being single this year.

When we met, he started asking if I had made up my mind about him, and if I see him as a husband material. I kept dodging his questions and ceding the responsibility to him since the one month thing was his idea. I can't gaan be jumping into conclusions, and then he would now say he has prayed, and we are not meant for each other. God forbid baadddttt thing. Talk your own first.

Even though the signs were all there, one can never be too careful in things like this.

He basically said he's made up his mind, and if things keep going the way they are going, he's most likely going to get married sooner than he expected.

I quickly did a mental chicken dance.

But let's just say that's the most definitive response he gave throughout that day.

At first, I was pissed. I mean it was like we were already in a relationship but he didn't want to define of right there. He said we would meet the next week and do things the proper way. He also joked about needing one more week to mourn the death of his singleness.

After a while, I just let it go, and we spent three hours in the car, basically doing nothing serious but chitchat here and there. He took our first selfie as an unofficial couple. The attraction was so strong and concrete, you could hit the atmosphere with a stone and hear the thud.

We stayed in church till late at night, and then called it a night. I don't care what he called it but in my mind, I was in a relationship, lol.

The one week that followed was so intense, we could hardly stay away from each other via phone calls and chats.

Three days into the week, he said "I love you." I was so shocked that I could hardly respond. I was like "did you just say what I think you said? What did you just say?"

Source

He responded with "what did you think I said?" I pushed for like 5 seconds, and he repeated it.  I just said thank you. I didn't want to say I love him because it would sound like a mechanical response to what he said.

He said and still says "I love you" in such a way that I've never heard before. There's nothing mushy and emotional about it. It sounds like "I love you and you must never ever forget that I love you." Lol.

And that was the beginning of the I love you I have come to hear from him every single day, from that day.

In the meantime, We still had the date to look forward to. Towards the end of the week, he was like "here's how Sunday will go. I will officially ask you to be my girlfriend, and you will say yes. Even if you say no, you will be my girlfriend."

On the other end of the phone, I was just grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

Source

Three days later, we went on a proper date, our second date ever and fourth time we were seeing each other. We talked and talked. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.

We walked hand in hand out of the venue, as a couple, and my life has never been the same again.

Question: Who was the first to say "I love you" in your relationship? Does it even matter who the first is? Is it important to continuously say it in the relationship?

P.S: This is not the end of the story o. See you all next week.

Journey to Marriage 8 - Traumas and Roller Coasters

Firstly, I'm excited. I entered for the BBN Wonderland competition for 30 lucky brides, and I made it! Yaayyy! It was a writing competition about how your special friend(s) have been influential on your special day. Y'all know I'm a writer na, and I have a special story with a special friend, lol. All I did was just pick the first two editions of this series, and sent them. Of course, the story revolved around the one and only Berry Dakara. And I wonnnnnnnnnn! For that, I get to be treated like a princess. It's going to be my mini vacation before my vacation, cos immediately I get back from the wonderland this Sunday, I leave the country for my last vacation as a single woman that same day, and for that, I'm mega excited.

Back to the series...

The next one month of my life was not funny. That’s all I can say. A and K felt it was a very good sign. They said a guy does not make such a statement to a girl is not seriously considering. In K’s mind, I had already married, I should just go and claim my husband, lol.

Cakes, being the closest to him, said it was very good, and basically echoed what A and K said about his seriousness. All these while, this guy never said anything to Berry and Cakes about the date. Berry was shocked that he could have said such a thing to me, cos he was being mute to them.

As for me, a day later, I became pissed… yes, pissed. My mind had started playing tricks on me.

How dare he say I should go and pray for a month? Yes, I know we were hooked up, but who does he think he is self? Me, I should be praying about a man? He should be the one on his knees, praying, and asking God to give him direction. If he wants, let him come. If he doesn’t want, let him go!


Thing is whenever I like or I'm considering someone, I always pray concerning the issue. I don't need any special period dedicated to praying about many things in life, except in special cases. So definitely, I had been praying concerning this issue from the first day

Two days after this, I was extremely troubled in my spirit. I had a very expository dream, which revealed some things to me, concerning delays in marriage, and how I had gained my victory.

When I woke up, I knew what exactly I had to do. I went to my sister, and talked to her. We decided on a 21 days prayer and fasting concerning this. We did this, not fight demons or enemies, but purely to enforce the victory God had already wrought.

And that was how I started praying and fasting, even though I had earlier wondered about praying about him. Let’s call him BH (Better Half). My prayer was about enforcing victory, asking God to direct me concerning decisions about marriage. I put all sentiments of emotions aside, and was very sincere. I said things like “I like BH, I really do, but take him away if he’s not yours for me.” It was a spiritually intensive period for me, but I knew I had to pay that sacrifice to change the course of my life forever.

Apart from being spiritually intensive, it was also an emotional roller coaster period . First of all, I didn’t know how to start asking questions, without appearing desperate. I didn’t want it to seem I was the one doing all the one-month assignment. We were building friendship, learning about each other, but I felt he wasn’t there yet, where I wanted him to be.

I used to tell D during the fast period, I have sense strongly in my spirit that this guy is my husband o, but anyway let God’s will be done. I told her also that if eventually I decide to marry this guy, the final confirmation from God will be that we would have no single issue with parental approval, concerning tribal differences. That will be the real miracle.

A lot of times, I wanted to cut BH out of my life. I felt I wasn’t getting anywhere with him, and everything was just a waste of my time. Hot today, cold tomorrow, and I was just tired.

About half way through the fast, I said to God sincerely “I like this guy, and I need direction concerning him. He’s still holding back a bit, and unsure. If he’s your will for me, I want him to like me much more than I like him, and it will be evident for all to see. He’s your son, deal with him yourself.”

And that’s exactly what happened. From then on, that he fell head over heels is an understatement. I had done my bit, but this one was completely God.

Two days to the end of the fast, I made a statement of conviction to myself, I was as sure as the back of my hand… I said “I am going to marry this guy.”

But for now, we must wait for the imposed one month to be over to know what direction to go.

Journey to Marriage: I'm very sorry

I was chatting with Toinlicious this evening when she asked why today's post was not yet up. To say I was shocked was an understatement cos I had scheduled the post since Sunday. I quickly went to by blogger backend, and saw that I had mistakenly scheduled it for next Monday, as is my default mode, instead of Thursday.

Unfortunately, it was almost 10pm, and we know that blog traffic for the week usually dies around Thursday evenings, and ressurects on Monday, so it was no use putting the post up so late at night.

I'm really sorry for the mix up. I am one who keeps to my word, as it is the only thing I have, so the lack of post really pained me, no be small.

I hope you all understand.

The series continues on Monday.

And thank you all for your comments

Journey to marriage 7 - What manner of Date is this?

Thanks to everyone who has been following my journey, and commenting. I love to read your comments because they encourage me to keep going on even when the greates thing I want to do know is go back to my shell.

Yes, the date took place a month after our first encounter, but it seemed more like 5 years because of the drama that had ensued, more like the drama I had put myself through.

The date had been fixed on a Thursday, and was to take place on a Sunday. The next three days passed without anxiety. We chatted lightly in between. I didn’t get the venue until the morning of the date. And no, it wasn’t a tacky place at allllll. It was where you took people you are seriously considering, lol.

Maybe if we had the date like a week after we had met, I would have been nervous, but a lot of drama that had gone down, and honestly, I was too busy to even be nervous (it was my rhyme and reason preparation season).

Of course, I wore a very fitted tight dress (of which he took no notice, lol), I changed my hairstyle a side woven frohawk, light make up (basically because I’m not a pro at makeup). I think I looked good, and I thought he noticed that I looked good. I would later come to find out that he actually saw me, but did not really see me.

The whole date lasted for a little over 5 hours, of which he talked for 80% of the time. He talked about his last break up, business, illness, etc. I talked about my last break up.

I basically enjoyed the fact that he did almost all the talking while I was only listening. It was a lazy date for me, but I enjoyed it. I could listen to him go on and on and on, talking. As of now, he says I like gist too much.

The only reason the date ended was because we really had to go home. No, I didn’t want to go anywhere. I just wanted to keep looking at his face, as he talked. All through the date, what kept going through my mind was “So a girl saw this one, and let him go. How stupid?”

In hindsight, I am now sorry for that ignorant thought because no one is perfect, not even my husband-to-be. The fact that we can walk and work together doesn’t mean he’s exactly an innocent or holy person, lol.

Let me quickly divert here, and say I wasn’t entirely innocent and leave-it-to-God in all these. By this time, I had already known I was interested in this guy, at least from what I knew about him so far. I was praying seriously, for me not to make a mistake. I didn’t want to want what God didn’t want for me. But I was also doing things on him, of which he had no idea. These things are what you do to basically get someone to start eating out of your palms, without them even realising you are doing anything to them.  I am not going to mention them on this blog for two reasons

1. I invested so much time learning those skills, and I am not going to just paste them on the face of public internet

2. He doesn’t know that I did some things to him, and I don’t know how he would feel if he reads this post. I know he will still read it, that's if he's not yet reading them. Some of his friends are already seeing it.

So basically, I had started wetting the ground. On the day of the date, I also used one of the skills I had gathered, and I will tell you this one. It is called the Epoxy eyes. To summarise it, throughout the date, I looked straight into his eyes… yes, for five hours nonstop. He was mostly talking, I was mostly quiet, and looking straight at him. It was all for a purpose.

Anyway, when the date was almost over, the tone changed a bit. He made a mention about how he was enjoying his single life, balling, doesn’t want to ask ladies to be patient with him when he’s not ready, and the timing for a relationship right (how sharply the tides would change in a matter of weeks).

His statement started getting me confused, so I was just looking at him. In my mind, I was thinking...

What nonsense is this one talking? The timing is not right? What exactly are you doing here, gisting for all these hours? These bonds we have been forging nko? 

I was confused, and I decided that I wasn’t going to go home confused, so I asked him…

“You have said you don’t want to ask people to be patient with you. Concerning you and I, what exactly are we going to do about us? Should we go home and continue chatting, building friendship, or should we just forget and just say hi once in a while?”

He sat back, paused, looked into my eyes, and said

“This is what we would do. We will go home now. For the next one month, you are free to ask me any question in this world, I will answer. I will also ask you any question in this world. You will also pray, and I would pray too. Exactly a month from now, we would meet again, and we would decide whether we are going to move on with each other or go our separate ways.”

At this point, I basically fainted in my mind.

Did this guy just tell me that in exactly a month from now, there are possibilities that my life would never remain the same?

He then added “Do we have a deal?”

I was weak, even though it was the most shocking thing I have ever heard a guy propose to a lady, of course, I couldn’t have said No so I managed to mutter “Yes.”

And from then, I entered the most emotionally stressful one month of my life in 2016.

Question: What would you do if a guy you liked told you and him to pray about each other?

Journey to marriage 6 - The Pivot point

A felt I shouldn’t have deleted him, but leave him alone cos it’s wrong for him not to have kept to his words. K, whom I narrated the whole story to, cos she wasn’t in on it from the beginning, felt I shouldn’t have deleted him, and I should have sent a message to tease him, about not keeping to his words, cos he should even feel privileged that a girl like me is interested in talking to him. She said it’s how you see yourself that matters. D wasn’t in the picture at this point.

So that weekend, K composed a very light friendly message, sent it to me to send to him, about just checking up on his Sunday in the spirit of being a good Christian, and not hearing from him for a long time. I didn’t want to play the Christian card, so I changed it the word “Christian” to affability, and sent to him, with the greatest reluctance ever, after sacrificing my pride.

He read the message about 3 hours later, chatted me up with one or two lines… and then…

He called me! He really called me.

Source

We talked and talked and talked.

Okay, not exactly. We only talked for like 25 minutes… mostly about work, ministry, purpose, etc. No, I didn’t ask him about why he didn’t keep to his word. nWhen the call ended, I kept thinking about how sound and intelligent he was. I had now gone from the level of curiosity to “Hmm, this guy doesn’t seem bad o.”

Now, I am going to speed up this story, and ditch the melodrama.

From that day onward, we chatted regularly, like every one or two days. His responses were delayed a lot, even though he was checking his whatsapp. It was like he was blowing hot and cold at the same time. I get that he was very busy, but I was also busy too. And I feel if you are interested in knowing someone, then you are interested, busy or not.

THE TRUTH: He was just holding back, and didn’t really know what to do with me.

For the next three weeks, we went back and forth. I would pull back for days when I sensed any indifference from his side, while screaming in silence, with the intention of blanking “this guy” for real this time around. He would then be forced to seek me out after not hearing from me for a while.
And no, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the fact that he wasn’t all ants on sugar on me. I wanted the overwhelming wooing, but all I got was someone trying to taste alomo bitters and squeezing his face. A said the overwhelming love will come late, but it was hard to believe.

So back and forth we went, me trying to be friendly without appearing desperate, one or two calls here and there.

On the Monday of week of my birthday, he had just come back from a burial in his hometown, and I had tried to reach him at the airport. Bad network wouldn’t let us be great. He called me as soon as he got back to Lagos that night, and we talked for over 3 hours. I felt that because of how close and open to each other we were getting, he would sustain the communication by more calls.

No way. I didn’t hear from him for the next three days, not even by chat. But I knew that if he found it my birthday was that week, and I didn’t tell him, he wouldn’t be happy. So I told Berry all that had been happening, how we had gotten a bit close, and had been chatting. She was very surprised cos none of us had told her we were still in touch, especially after the deleting episode. She was also surprised that even though we had been talking, we hadn’t gone for an official date.

Anyway, on the evening my birthday, I got a call from him. I thought it was just an ordinaty call, because Berry said she wouldn’t tell him, and the number of people who know my birthday can be counted on two hands. It is nowhere on social media.

So he calls and says “Happy birthday. I heard im the sixth person in the world who knows your birthday.” Aww, my hear melted. So he kept talking randomly, asking why I wasn’t celebrating, why I didn’t tell him before, etc.

And then I said “Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?”

I confess, this ingenuity was not mine. K was the one who told me to tell him about my birthday, and use this statement on him, so we could prompt it for a date if he had been thinking about it. But I said I couldn’t do it, cos I had become lily livered over the years. My scheming and manipulative life was basically dead. I didn’t call him, but I still got to use the statement.

So when I said “Now that you know, what are you going to do about it?” He paused a bit, and said let’s go out together on Sunday.

Wait, what??? Just like that. I am going on a date. I am going on a date. Woo hoooooo.

Source

And that... was how I landed the first date, exactly a month (28 days) after our first encounter.

Journey to Marriage 5 - Mind Tricks

You have spoken. I will be posting twice a week for now (Mondays and Thursdays). Depending on how slow or fast the story goes, I might increase the frequency. My major challenge is time.

A lot of people might be thinking “why did you have to delete him?” Couldn’t you just blank him without deleting him? The truth is people operate differently. For some people, it is easy for them to put someone away mentally, and move on to more important things. But for some others, especially people whose minds play tricks on them, and love control and manipulation, it is most times necessary to block all forms of access to such channels. That way, no matter how your mind does you, you will have to stay within your zone.

That was why I did what I did. I didn’t like all the whatsapp stalking, and mind games my mind was playing. I just wanted to gain control of my mind, and moved on.

Afterwards, I went back to Berry, and asked why she even introduced us in the first place. Did the guy ever ask to be introduced? I was trying to gauge whether he was even ready for anything, or if it was just for sport. She then mentioned differences that we had, and would complement each other, how he was getting serious with life, etc.

Anyway, I told her I deleted him, and she started screaming hell about how I was too serious with everything in life, how I overthink things, how I’m not fluid and dynamic, how I’m pressuring myself, how I could be so rash with someone I just met 4 days ago, etc.

She never defended me for once, or even mentioned that he didn’t keep to his word. It was all on me. At that point, I knew that no matter what happened between this guy and I, Berry would always take his side against mine. So Berry as my confidant was no more an option for me. But it didn’t matter, she had given up on us at that very moment.

Talking about confidants, there were three major people who helped me through intense period, without whom I would have lost my mind.

A – My pastor’s wife, who believed in us, and felt I should just let things run their course, start with friendship, and everything will fall into place, no matter how it ends

K – My very close friend, who felt the guy was already my husband from day 1, and was a fan of him, asking me to keep being friendly.

D – Opposite of K and A. She felt I should stay in my zone, and let him do every single pursuing. I should only be friendly when he has shown himself worthy.

Together, the three of them brought balance of perspectives. One thing they all had in common was they felt I take things too seriously, and you can’t put a formula to many things life.

Back to the story. Even though I had deleted him, it didn’t do anything to douse mu curiosity one bit. Closing loopholes has always worked for me in the past, but this time, it even fuelled the fire more.

Day 1 after deletion
I realised that even though I had deleted him from whatsapp and my contact, I hadn’t deleted his incoming call from my call log, so I went there, and deleted it. I was covering part of my eyes to delete it, cos I have a photographic memory when it comes to figures. I can just look at something, and it would stick there forever. So on deleting, my eyes accidentally caught a glimpse of the first five digits.

I already knew the last four digits from the time he gave me, after the day we met, cos they had lots of zeros.

Day 2 after deletion
I started wondering if he knew I had deleted him. Maybe there’s a way for whatsapp contacts to know they’ve been deleted. I even researched it, and didn’t find any conclusive evidence. Well, if that was the case, maybe he would realise I’ve deleted him, and see me as too serious and rash, and wonder what kind of weirdo Berry introduced him to.

Maybe I shouldn’t have deleted him. Oh my gosh, what did I do? This is how I have just lost a good person. Hmm… thinking about it let him be lost. It was his fault

 My mind started playing tricks again. But the reality was he’s been deleted, and forever gone… or so I thought

NO YOU CAN'T. Source

Later that day, I decided to guess the number and add him back since my curiosity hadn’t been cured. I knew the first five, and last four. If I could get the middle 2 right, then that would be it.

So I put the numbers together, added the middle two numbers I suspected, and that was it. I didn't have to try twice. It was his face staring back at me on whatsapp.

So yes, I added him back two days after deleting him, and life was beautiful again.

There was still no difference though. He was still a rubbish guy who didn’t keep to his words, and I wasn't going to initiate contact. Berry was completely out of the picture, and I moved on with my life… back to my serene singleness in just one week.

Have you ever had your mind play tricks on you when it comes to the matters of the heart?

Journey to Marriage 4 - Good Riddance?

Guys, first of all, I want to say thank you all for your comments. I respond to every single one of them.  I'm thinking I should make this series twice a week. It is coming on so slowly. If I continue at this rate, I would still be writing the preliminary part when I am getting married later this year.


From the day after we met for the first time, and the tribal sentiments vapourised from my mind, something set into my mind. Even though I had no feelings whatsoever for him, there was something else present.

CURIOSITY

I have never been curious about anyone in my life as I became curious about this guy. I wanted to know who he was, what he does, etc. Maybe my curiosity was fuelled because Berry never told me anything. I was blind before the meetup, and after the meetup, I was still blind.

The next day, my pastor’s wife, who is very close to me, asked how the date went. I said it was just there. She began to ask questions about the guy, and I couldn’t answer a single one. All I knew was his first name and phone number. She then asked when I was going to call him, I said “Never!” I began to protest. I can’t call a guy o. abeg, I don’t want anyone to think I am desperate. She asked me to call him since he had called the previous night… at least, to show myself friendly.

After church, I begged Berry to give me details about him. She finally gave me his surname, age, occupation, and church. She said that was all she could give me, and I should go and relate with him myself to know him better. She was being mean strict, and wasn’t going to fuel my laziness. She also asked me to call. Once again, I protested.

I chatted my sister up, and asked the strangest question… even to me.

You see… from the chats, I was so convinced that I would get married this year, even though I did not know the person. I was telling every single person I met. I was so sure. You see how my sister looked when I said I would meet, court, and marry in a year? I don’t blame her. Two weeks before then, I would have done the same.

In the chat, I referred to him as igbo, but in reality, I wouldn’t find out his tribe or the complications around it until much later. I only deduced Igbo from the surname Berry gave me. And forget the age thing. I wasn't 35 yet, as pointed out. Heck, I wasn't even 30 yet. We just feel parents begin to relax their rules when their kids get older, and we didn't want that to be my case.

Anyway, when curiosity got the best of me, I told Berry I was going to send him a whatsapp message instead to ask how his Sunday went (Berry’s idea). I still felt a call would make me seem too desperate.

So I chatted this guy up on Sunday evening. There was nothing fantastic about it. A bit of random politeness here and there, with like 5 to 15 minutes break in between some lines. He obviously wasn’t glued to his phone like I was. If he was, he wasn’t showing it. (Problem number 1).

Late into the night, the chat was going well, he asked about my routine, and said we would continue the next day, since we needed to go to bed.

I was sad, but the next day was just going to be 7 hours away

…or so I thought.

The next day, I expected to wake up to his chat…

Nothing… (problem number 2)

All through the  morning… nothing

Afternoon… nothing

Night… nothing

By this time, my CURIOSITY had gone into overdrive. It was a mixture of annoyance and curiosity. I mean, how would someone say they would do something, and not even do it. Why say you would chat me up, and then act like I don’t exist? Am I supposed to be chasing him? God forbid. Do you know how many guys are on my case

Puhleaaasseee… don’t even tell me something might have wrong with him. This guy was very alright. At least, he was active on whatsapp most of the day.

Yes… I monitored him on whatsapp. Please, don’t look at me like that, you would do the same to, lol.

Day 2
Morning… nothing

Afternoon… nothing

By this time, my mind was playing tricks on me. Had I appeared too desperate? What did I say wrong? Was the spirit of rejection all over me?

Who does he even think he is? Doesn’t he know I am the daughter of a king? How can he not keep to his words? I better get rid of this guy from my mind. He reminds me of Yemi, who is just a heartbreaker.

Night… nothing

Day 3
Morning… nothing

Afternoon…

I didn’t even wait for afternoon

I went to my whatsapp, went to my call log…

DELETE DELETE DELETE

What nonsense. This guy is bad news. I need to protect my heart. I don’t deal with guys without integrity.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

What do you guys think? Was I too rash in my actions? What would you have done in my case? Initiated another chat, even though you were the one who initiated the previous chat?