Close Shaves Series – part 5: The ritualist story

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I remember on a particular Sunday in June 2005. I was on my way to my university campus, and had to stand at the bus stop closest to my home to wait for a bus. It was while waiting for a bus that a man came to strike a conversation with me. Before I knew it, a car pulled up in front of us, asking for directions to a certain place.

Due to the persuasions of the guy that had come to speak with me earlier, I acted out character, and got into the car that pulled up in front of us, after they offered to give us a ride, since I had helped them with their directions. I got into the car, and it took off.

While in the car, a man seated at the passenger’s side in front started saying that one of us (either me or the other guy) was planning to travel, and that the person should not travel, because he won't come back alive. The other guy said it is true, that it was him, and he started shaking, saying “how did you know?” and basically fidgeting and hailing the “prophet.”

So the prophet turned to me, and said he has something to say to me. He said that some people were trying to tamper with my destiny. The other guy was still fidgeting, and trying to interrupt, and the prophet shut him up. I looked at the prophet well, and the woman driving...

Rewine…. eniweR

Earlier that afternoon, I had gone to the salon to relax and set my hair, and the TV station was tuned to Nkan Nbe, by Kolawole Olawuyi. If you don’t know it, this is the time to go to google. Let’s just say Nkan Mbe stories, as surreal as they seem, are very real. If you did not believe them, cos you thought they were stranger than fiction, now is the time to start. Anyway, so they featured this woman, she was very restless, and jumping up and down like a mad woman. She said she met a man and a woman who asked her something, and when she answered, they started telling her many things about herself that nobody could know. They told her there was something that had been planted in her body, and would kill her soon, and they would help her remove it. So they took her somewhere, and she opened her legs, and they brought out several red strips of clothings and some other things out of her vagina. I saw all the items on the TV program, with my korokoro eyes. They asked her to describe the people, and she did, in vivid deatail. By the time the program was over, they had not yet found a way to solve her problem, but they warned viewers to be careful, as the ritualists were still on the prowl.

Back to present 

It was at this point I realized they all knew one another, and I had just been kidnapped by ritualists. Not just any ritualist, but the ones who carried the woman in Nkan Mbe, her description the people was etched in my brain. I matched every single face she described to the three people in the car with me. I was very scared, but my fear did not show on my face. I only smiled faintly as the man in front (the prophet), continued to talk to me, while I continued to keep silent.

The man looked at my hair and said I am feeling fly because of my hair. He said that where I made my hair earlier in the day, someone packed my hair strands from the floor in order to tamper with my destiny, but they can help me. He said I think people like me, but one day, someone put something under a doormat, and I stepped on the doormat, and they deposited something in my body. Of course, I already knew he was going to say this because that is what they told the Nkan Mbe woman. I kept on smiling. He now said they can help me remove the strange things in my body. He started asking me questions, when he saw I was not saying anything. The Holy spirit just kept telling me “don’t say a word. Whatever you do, don’t open your mouth.” so I kept on smiling, even though on the inside, I was scared, and had no way of escape. I knew there and then that if I spoke to that man, I was gone, cos he would use his fetish powers to find out things about me, that he would not ordinarily know.

He tried more tricks to get me to talk, but I did not budge.

By this time, the car was on very high speed on the express, so there was nothing I could do to escape. After a while, the man called me arrogant and puffed up, because after everything he had said to make me feel agitated, I did not look bothered, and I kept smiling. I knew the only way to get out of my situation was to keep silent, and that the moment I replied the man, things would not go well because he would diabolically use my statements against me. Till today, I am still amazed at the confidence I radiated on the outside, because on the inside, I was crying, and begging God to save me.

After a while, it was the man that started getting agitated. He was really accusing me. It was as if he knew that I knew what he was up to. Maybe he thought I was a witch, and he had carried bad market. As for me, I knew it was just the God in me. I could say he must have even been scared. He looked scared, and started insulting me, saying I was arrogant, and I think I know everything.

As we approached the place I was to alight, I faced the woman driving, and said

"Please, drop me here. This is where I am going." or something like that

By now, I was really praying they would oblige since I was at their mercy. Without hesitation, the lady pulled over, and I got down from the car, heaving a great sigh of relief. I had just been delivered from the claws of evil.

This story is very special to me because it was a close shave for me that day. I was saved, by no power of my own. I could have lost my life or mind, like the Nkan Mbe woman, and disappeared from the face of the earth, but I am alive to tell the story today. God saved me.

Close Shaves Series – part 4 : The AUR Story

Warning! This episode of the series might be a bit gross or extreme for you. Don’t say I did not warn you.
This is one is about a complication that shouldn’t have arisen in the first place. It all started from regular constipation, which ended up as something else.

I think the constipation started during a weekend in 2006. After like 2 days or so, when I realised I had to do something, I started taking things like castor oil, paraffin oil, laxative, and anything to ease the constipation. It never occurred to me that this was not the usual kind of constipation, as the faeces blocking the whole stuff was like stone.

As the days progressed, the situation became worse. Urinating now became a chore, and eating was completely out of it. I increased the laxative, and what happened was that I had the increased pressure to use the toilet, but nothing ever came out. In fact, the paraffin oil was so effective that it kept pushing in my stomach, and found a way to seep out by itself, without doing anything. Let’s just say my underwear always found a way to be as oily as Dodo Ikire.

One morning, about 6 -8 days later or so (can’t be exact right now), my cup became full. I knew for certain that death was knocking at my doorstep. I couldn’t walk, everything in my body was full, and I was going to burst anytime from then. This was the period I was doing IT, and it was so bad that I couldn't go to work. I was the only one at home, so nobody was around to save me. I called my mum, and said if she didn’t find a way to get me to the hospital immediately…

Anyway, she called our mechanic family friend beside our house, and arranged for me to get to the hospital. They couldn’t find our family card, and I had to buy a personal one. By the time the doctor saw me, he shook his head. From my stomach downwards was as swollen like that of a pregnant woman. They said it was a case of Acute Urinary Retention.

They immediately passed a tube inside me, and started extracting the urine, because the constipation had already shut down my urinary tract. I had never had sex before, I had never delivered a child before, but trust me, I was not ashamed to open my legs for that man. When you stare at death in the face, ehn, every ounce of shame flies out of the window. Not to exaggerate o, about 30 minutes, they were still extracting urine from me. It filled about three kidney bowls or more. The two doctors and the nurse that were there were just shaking their heads. They said that it was hard to believe that I had that much urine in me, and that if I had waited any moment later than I did, we might have been telling a different story.

By the time I was done, they gave me some drugs, and told me to use orange fibre. Then the doctor said something disgusting to me. He said...

It is at this point I would cut off the story, lest you never eat in your life again, as the procedure to solve the main constipation is just too gross.

I went back home that day, relieved my mum was not going to mourn just yet. Things happened, and a day later, my life returned to normal.

After then, I remembered the horror of the fact that the doctor passed a tube inside of me, and ran back to the hospital. I asked the doctor if I was still a virgin, because I plan to remain that way until my wedding night. I seriously believe the guy fought hard to keep a straight face, like see this ignorant child (I was in 400 level in Uni).

He then went on to lecture me about the difference between the vagina and the urinary tract (like I did not do biology), assuring me that all he touched was what needed to be touched, so I shouldn’t fear. Ehm, lemme just stop here.

Congrats if you read it all the way through. You deserve a model of the urinary tract as a gift.

Close Shaves Series – part 3: The sight story

... Continued from last week

I hope you guys are gearing up for more juicy stories of my Close shaves with death or being an invalid. Please, note that all stories are true, and I experienced them.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now, I’m found

Okay, just to let you know, I wasn’t just trying to wax lyrical, or be spiritual. I was actually blind for some time, when I was a child, lol.

I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t be giving too much details about this one. It is not that I want to be selfish with information, but I was too young to remember how it actually went down. I think I was about two or three years old. What I can remember exactly is that one day in the hospital, one of my family friend’s children, who I see as wicked, poured tea down my dress, and I was defenceless. The other thing I can remember is that when I got home, I could see, and they gave me plenty pepper to lick, lol.

It was actually a case of measles. It almost made me go permanently blind. According to my mum, it was about to enter my eyes, and my eyes closed. At the hospital, my eyes were always forced open, so they could put the drugs/eye drop in it, in order to prevent the blindness from being permanent.

I was blind for a total of FIVE DAYS! But now, I have the clearest vision ever.


I once was blind

But now, I see.

I’m really sorry about the sketchy details. Pardon me, I was just too young. Blame my mum, she is the one who cannot remember the whole story again.

More juicy and detailed stories from next week. I promise.

P.S: Guess who I spoke with last week? None other than Toinlicious. Hmm, this girl's secret has been exposed. She's not the razz local girl she portrays herself to be o. She is extremely tush, well-spoken, and omo butter. Basically, she has been deceiving us on blogsville. I coulda sworn I was speaking with a president or governor's child... you know those ones that have been washed in money...

Introducing the Close Shaves series + part 1 and 2

So I have been thinking of doing this series since, but due to one or two reasons, and mainly procrastination, I am just getting to it.

Sometime ago, it dawned on me that it’s been a long time that I should have died, or best case, become an invalid. But one way or the other, God keeps saving me. You would not believe the weirdest things I have survived, which is what convinces me that I am destined for something great in this world. I believe that there’s a problem I am created to solve, and I have not even begun to smell the great things in stock for me. This is also one reason I am not willing to leave Nigeria. I am here to make a difference, and not just be another statistic.

So back to the topic, I have had close shaves with death, but by the grace of God, I have survived them all, and I will be featuring the ones I can remember in the next couple of weeks. It won’t be as long as the Guess the Blogger series, as it is just about 5 weeks, if you include today.

I have featured two of them on this blog before, but feel free to read again if you are interested.

Part 1. This is when I was driving a car on fire, and I was not even aware. Any moment, the car could have exploded, with me still driving, but God saved me. My mum told me that at the time the stuff happened, she saw s vision (or dream, I can’t remember) of someone on fire, but she never knew it was me. Read the full story here.

Part 2 . This is when I was caught in a metal box (aka a dead car) on third mainland bridge, in the middle of the night, at the area where bad things happen to people who have the misfortune of being stuck. But somehow, God preserved my life (and the metal box), till morning, when I was “rescued”. Well, my mum did not see vision about this one. Till today, she doesn’t even know about it. Here’s hoping she doesn’t read this post. Read the full story here.

Next week, I will be starting from part 3.

I’m sure by the time I am done, you will thank God for my life.

P.S: I have an issue with my blog posts. After I put it up, it doesn't appear on people's dashboards and blogrolls till the next day. It started out as a 5-hour delay, and has now increased to 24-hour delay. Has anyone had this issue? Who knows how I can solve it?