Damn the Man!!!

Aite, people of blogsville. I've been so busy that I couldn't write for the blog in the past few weeks, so this week I decided to pull something out of my archives, in case you haven't read my second book. Someone asked me to write about feminism, so I just decided to do parody of one fiery post on feminism that a blogger posted two years ago. If you can guess the blogger, please don't let me know. I don't want to know that you know, lol. Anyway, enjoy.

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“Good day people, as we all know, my name is SheTalks. I welcome you to another episode of ControverShe, the number one TV program highlighting controversial issues and causes of women in our society.

On today’s episode, we have a very special guest with us. She is no stranger to you and I. Her name has been causing ripples in the headlines for the past one year. Her personality rhymes with the title of our program, ControverShe, as she is sure to always be found wherever controversy resides. Her best–selling book, Damn the Man, is everywhere. And the rate at which women of all types are rushing it is faster than a cascaded running prowess of Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake. I think I will term that Yosain Blolt effect. Yeah, so her book sells faster than Yosain can ever think of running in their life.

This makes me to wonder, if women are eating this book, Damn the Man, just like a greedy fat child gobbling up a slice of chocolate cake, can we then assume that this is what they have been waiting for all along? Can we say that they love this woman because she has been able to take the bold step, and voice what other women have wanted to voice all along, but stayed back due to the fear of whatever it is that might have been holding them back? Is this why she is seen to be the saviour of all women?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am sure by now, you already know who I am talking about. Join me as I welcome to the studio, no other lady but Miss Damiete Jamessssssss.”

The camera zooms in to show Miss Damiete James, who was spotting a denim jacket, baggy chinos trousers, with a face cap, that had ‘Damn the Man’ printed on it. She had no jewellery whatsoever on any part of her body.

A thunderous round of applause sounded in the studio. The audience was filled with people carrying placards of ‘Damn the Man’, ‘We love you Damiete’, ‘You are my hero’, ‘You are my goddess’, etc. Some even had Damiete’s name, face or ‘Damn the Man’, tattooed on different parts of their bodies.

SheTalks: Welcome to ControverShe, Miss Damiete James.

DJ: Thanks for inviting me SheTalks. And, please, call me DJ.

SheTalks: Alright DJ. Wow, imagine the show of such love and admiration from the crowd there, DJ. How do you feel when you see people get so excited when your name is mentioned?

DJ: Yes, I am always honoured to see people admiring me, but to be honest, I don’t see what big deal is. People get excited over people like President Obama all the time, and no one makes a big deal out of it. So, I see no reason why anyone should make a big deal out of mine. Is it because I am woman, and he is a man?

The audience’s excitement returns, to the point of being uncontrollable.

SheTalks: (Facing the audience) I know we all love DJ to the point of near-worship, but if we really want to enjoy this episode, we will have to calm down a bit, so we can really hear what she has to say to us. Thank you. (Turning back to DJ) Ooh, you have a point there DJ. But don’t you think it’s because they see you as their hero, the first vocal and unashamed feminist that has been able to penetrate the media, and achieve the enormous amount of things you have?

DJ: (Turning to the crowd) Hi ladies, please, if you feel yourself being overcome with excitement again, just follow my recommendation in Chapter 21 of Damn the Man, I am sure you remember it. (Facing the SheTalks) Yes, I believe that is it. But I am here to tell the women that they can do better than me, and achieve so much more, if only they would get up their butts, do what they have to do, and just ‘Damn the Man’.

Surprisingly, there was no single noise from the crowd. The view of the camera zooming in on the crowd was enough to explain the reason why. Everyone in the crowd had their mouth taped with a ‘Damn the Man’ tape.

SheTalks: Wow DJ, if a pin should drop here at this moment, we would hear it. Just a minute ago, the crowd could not be quietened, but now the whole place is as quiet as a graveyard. What exactly is in Chapter 21 of your book that you just asked them to do?

DJ: Well, in Chapter 21, I explained that many women like to chatter, overly display their emotions, get excited easily by men, thereby spitting meaningless mushy words, engage in useless and idle gossip, be hysteric, which is obviously true, as you saw them demonstrate here a few minutes ago, and some other useless stuff that mostly the non Damiete-trained women do. I explained that if they continued with these kinds of behaviour, they would not gain the respect of men. So what they should do is be emotionally closed like the man, act mature, and stop being excited at the every little sweet-nothing a man tells them, because that is what they are… Nothings! Also, if they feel they cannot suppress this negative emotion of theirs whenever they find themselves in situations that threaten to bring that embarrassing side of them out, they should just tape their mouths with the ‘Damn the Man’ tape, which as you can see in the audience now, is what they have done. It works like magic.

SheTalks: Wow, that is very interesting to hear. (Turning to the audience) Well, our audience and our viewers at home, we would be taking a commercial break now. When we come back, we will be finding out more about our guest, and her thoughts on feminism. Stay tuned to this channel, and don’t go anywhere.

Commercial Plays

Are you a woman who has been affected by the most poisonous hormone ever existing, called oestrogen? Does the second human specie, also known as males, look down on you like a lesser person because you have two things growing on anterior? Were you one of those unfortunate people whose grandmothers told that your whole existence is to please the man, and wait on him by living your life in the kitchen? Do you feel like you might have been brainwashed by a deceitful definition of happiness being something to be found in a man? Well, by now, I am sure you would have been getting restless, just having to listen to those hogwash fairy tales that were sold to you in times past.

Well, do not worry, a solution has come. I am here to let you know that you can just DAMN THE MAN! Find out how to undo the damage done to us by our grandmothers, find out how to live happily, by always being one step ahead of the man, find out how to make it in life without the help of a man, find out how to be a total ‘Damn the Man’ woman, and so much more, all in a copy of Damn the Man: The complete guide to being liberated from the lies our grandmother told us, by Damiete James.

End of commercial break

SheTalks: We welcome our audience and viewers at home back from the short break. If you are just joining us, it is sad to say that you have just missed a part of today’s episode of ControverShe, i.e. our interview with no other person but the author of the best-selling book, Damn the Man, by Damiete James. But nevertheless, we still have a whole lot more for you today (SheTalks turns to face to DJ).

A round of applause resounded from the audience. The Damn the Man tape was still firmly placed on their lips.

DJ: Thank you SheTalks.

SheTalks: So, DJ, what is your definition of feminism?

DJ: Feminism is the name used to describe a movement of people who are feminists or support feminism.

SheTalks: (Rolling her eyeballs, apparently expecting more from DJ) And… Who would you refer to as a feminist?

DJ: A feminist is anyone that is tired of these mistakes of a creature we call men, whether she is a professor, a market woman, a nun, or whoever. There are active and passive feminists. Active ones are the ones that take a vocal stand, and speak loudly about what we believe in, such as me. There are very few of us. And the passive ones are the rest, the ones who are tired of the other human specie and their crap, but too timid to voice it out, for whatever reason best known to them. In my opinion, most educated women in this country are feminists, but just don’t want to admit it, as they don’t want to be seen as chasing men away, or ridiculing their culture and traditions.  They like to have the advantage of being educated, and the benefit that comes along with it, but don’t want to regard themselves as feminists. (Turning to the audience) Well ladies, I have one word for you. As long as you are not going to allow one 65 year-old man marry your 13 year old daughter, as long as you like to buy your own clothes, own your bank account, spend your own money, marry whoever you like, study whatever you like, purchase whatever you like, then lady, you are a feminist! I repeat, YOU ARE A FEMINIST!!!

SheTalks: (Trying to adjust to the risen volume of DJ's voice) Well, that would mean we are all feminists.

DJ: Exactly my point. We are all feminists. What remains now is for us to complete our feminism process by being a proud ‘Damn the Man’ woman. A woman who is not afraid to stand up for her right and get out from under the umbrella of all the loser-men, a woman who is not afraid to stop hiding under the guise of ‘a woman should be submissive’, a woman that is not afraid to say ‘Damn the Man’.

SheTalks: Wow DJ, that is really strong. So apart from reading your book, Damn the Man, what else should women do to become a true ‘Damn the Man’ woman?

DJ: Let me tell you this SheTalks. Do you know that oestrogen is the number one cause of women’s damnation? I therefore recommend that every woman goes to my clinic, the ‘Damn the man’ clinic, which is located everywhere in the country, once a month to extract the oestrogen inside of her. This way, she would be able to get rid of all those hormones on the inside of her, which makes her do all the mushy stuff, and act with unreasonable maternal instinct, like choosing to live in an abusive home, because she wants to protect her children, choosing to love stupid male specie that are not worth loving, working all day for a lazy man to come and eat the fruit of her labour, dressing like a mentally imbalanced person exposing her body parts, just to attract a loser-man, and all other unreasonable things women do because of the oestrogen in them. So, woman, go to a ‘Damn the man’ clinic today, and get rid of that poisonous substance in you called oestrogen. Its existence in your blood is what drives you to do all these crazy stuff, and blame it on another deranged word, called ‘Love’. That is the only way to become a complete ‘Damn the Man’ woman.

SheTalks: (Looking dazed and confused) Thank you for all that DJ, and thanks for being our guest on today’s episode of ControverShe.

DJ: Thank you for having me SheTalks. (Turning to the audience) Alright ladies, I am done. You can remove the ‘Damn the Man’ tapes from your lips, and let the hero-worship continue.

Instantly, the crowd suddenly becomes noisy as everyone lets out their excitement again.

SheTalks: (With a shocked look on her face, and instantly having to raise her voice): Well, I wasn’t expecting that. We are calling it a wrap for this episode. Please, don’t forget to join us same time, same station, next week on your number one program, ControverShe, for another interesting time, and with another interesting and controversial guest. As usual, it promises to be great.

Show ends, commercial plays

Are you a woman who has been affected by the most poisonous hormone ever existing, called oestrogen? Does the second human specie, also known as males, look down on you like a lesser person because you have two things growing on anterior? Were you one of those unfortunate people whose grandmothers told that your whole existence is to please the man, and wait on him by living your life in the kitchen? Do you feel like you might have been brainwashed by a deceitful definition of happiness being something to be found in a man? Well, by now, I am sure you would have been getting restless, just having to listen to those hogwash fairy tales that were sold to you in times past.

Well, do not worry, a solution has come. I am here to let you know that you can just DAMN THE MAN! Find out how to undo the damage done to us by our grandmothers, find out how to live happily, by always being one step ahead of the man, find out how to make it in life without the help of a man, find out how to be a total ‘Damn the Man’ woman, and so much more, all in a copy of Damn the Man: The complete guide to being liberated from the lies our grandmother told us, by Damiete James.